Afraid to Dream

by Tianna Xander

  That's what I was. All I was. Nothing but a conduit to open a gate--any gate--leading anywhere as I'd found out so long ago quite by mistake.

  Four of the men turned themselves into horses with harnesses. Matt quickly attached them to the carts and they shot through to the other side as soon as the gate became stable enough to support travelers.

  The other Cartuoteys fought off the hideous creatures the incubi were in their original form. Their stench was horrible a cross between a pig's sty and rotten chicken. Blood spattered on my cheek as one lunged for me. Before it could touch me, Darius reached out and ripped it to shreds with large, bear-like claws. Still, I stood with my arms splayed holding the gate open, knowing the only way I'd make it through was if Darius carried me and we had to be the last. Bile clogged my throat as Darius and Max fended off the rabid incubi.

  "Go!" Max ordered the others through.

  "Hurry," I cried. My body began to shudder and shake. My whole being was centered on holding the gate open so Darius and Max could jump through when the opportunity presented itself.

  I will not leave you here, courimeo. Do not expect me to give you up so easily. He shifted into a huge dragon once again. Stooping in the low confines of the cavern, he breathed fire on every creature surrounding us.

  Strange blue flames licked up their skin and the long hair on their legs. Forgetting about us, they screamed and danced around the cavern in a futile attempt to extinguish the fires burning their flesh.

  Darius changed back into his human self.

  Max nodded to him in some unspoken agreement and ran through the gate.

  Go. I can't hold this much longer. Sweat poured down my face, my legs shook with the effort to hold myself upright. I was fading fast. I didn't even have the energy to speak aloud. The reinforcements they waited for have arrived. There is no other way out. You must go. Leave me. I'm not worth dying for.

  He shook his head. "I will not leave you. And I don't wish to hurt you, but there is no other way. Forgive me." Suddenly, he rushed forward and tackled me. We flew through the air for a minute before my head hit the hard ground. Intense pain lanced through me before I finally let the growing lethargy overtake me.

  Chapter Twelve

  I woke to the uneven sound of disjointed murmurs, arguing and children's mournful cries. Frowning at the incessant noise, I cracked open one eye and groaned. Bright light stabbed my eye, piercing my brain and I immediately closed it again. I temporarily traded the pain of sight for the dubious comfort of the blessed darkness.

  Still, I heard the murmurs that seemed rather close. There were not only children, but adults nearby. The conversation sounded serious, important. I tried to make sense of it, but my brain wasn't working as it should. The words were in English, but I couldn't quite wrap my brain around them no matter how hard I tried.

  After what seemed like ages, I opened my eyes hoping to see a familiar face. With the disjointed conversation and hushed murmurs, I felt like I was not with friends. The room smelled strongly of sickness and it turned my stomach. Everything was blurry at first and nausea roiled in my belly. My hand moved over my stomach in a futile attempt to settle it. The movement caught the attention of someone who sat close to me. He'd been sitting on a chair next to the bed holding my other hand, but I hadn't noticed it until he stirred.

  "Lily!" A large tanned hand tenderly brushed the hair from my face. It was strange how such a big hand could be so gentle. He smelled so good--like clean washed man and the slightest hint of cologne. His voice sounded strange, like the batteries going dead on a tape player or someone playing a record too slow.

  "Lily, look at me." The warm hand cupped my cheek and a thumb made a soft and slow circuit of my lips. I closed my eyes, enjoying the tingle the action caused. "Please, Lily."

  The catch in the voice startled me. Why was this man sitting over me, holding me as though I was his last vestige of peace in the world?

  "Because you are, Lily." My hand was brought to warm lips then clasped between two larger palms. "You are my only hope for a new life. Come back to me."

  A cool, soft hand touched my brow and, in that same strange slow-motion voice, someone else said, "Her fever is coming down, Darius. There's no need for you to worry. She'll be all right in a day or two with lots of rest." The heavenly cool hand disappeared and I wanted to cry for her to put it back. My vision cleared with every passing moment. The man next to me slowly came into focus. I should know him. He seemed so familiar, but I couldn't place his face.

  "I am in your debt, Natasha." He bowed his head. "You are a healer without equal."

  "Call me Tasha. It's the least I can do." She shrugged. "I didn't ask for this gift, but someone decreed I should have it. I decided to use it to the best of my ability a long time ago." She reached out, patted his shoulder a bit awkwardly and backed off.

  Rage surged through me. How dare she touch him? How dare she smile at him, comfort him? He belonged to me. My servant, my slave--

  "Lily."

  He interrupted my inner tirade. The tumultuous emotions whipping through me fought for precedence. Kindness and gratitude were pushed back, allowing my fury to take the fore. It felt strange, this feeling of antagonism. I felt strange. I felt powerful, anger, greed, lust warred through me. Powerful, yet somehow alien, emotions roared to life, urging me to harm anyone who stood in my way. I looked at the one called Darius and licked my lips. I would kill anyone who attempted to take him from me.

  "Lily."

  The gentle hand cupped my cheek and the turbulent emotions waned for a bit. I looked up into moss-green eyes and felt my heart slow, the anger lessen a bit. My heart expanded, the beat slowed and I was able to breathe a bit easier.

  "This is not you, Lily." He shook his head, his gaze filled with compassion. "It is the dark power you channeled while holding the gate open that is making you think such things." He smiled softly and shook his head. "You are not evil. You never could be, my love. Do not try to make me believe you could ever intentionally harm an innocent."

  The words still sounded strange, though they became more like normal with each passing second. Yet, I didn't really know what was normal. I had no idea what was normal for me or anyone else. The world had turned upside down and shook my memories from my brain. I licked my lips. They were dry and cracked. Pain shot through me at the contact. I tasted blood and wondered whose it was. Could it be mine? Did I want it to be mine? Part of me wanted it to be another's. To taste another's life force on my lips.

  "Come back to me, Lily. Otherwise, I shall follow where you lead."

  The man drew me up onto his lap. I relaxed, feeling safe as he held me and I protected him from the other woman. The woman I would kill if she laid another hand on him.

  He sighed and gathered me closer. "Those are not your thoughts, Lily. You are not a merciless killer. Never that." Warm lips pressed against my temple and I closed my eyes. Sleep, courimeo, everything will be right again when you wake or you shall lead us to the otherworld.

  I drifted away from him then, into a world of monsters and fire breathing dragons. The dragon fought the monsters with me and…he loved me without reserve, without question. Never once did he harm me in any way. He showed his love by giving me those things I needed, like food, clothing, companionship and comfort. He never left me to fight the monsters alone and I loved him for that.

  When the fires raged around me, he found cool water to bathe in. When I was cold, he shared the heat of his body and warmed me. The dragon communicated with me. He spoke to me through my mind. Told me I wasn't like the monsters we killed. I wasn't evil like the power trying to take control over me.

  Don't you see, my love? They are the monsters. You are not. They seek to turn us against each other. To destroy the bond we have. They want you on the other side. They want to keep you with them. An ally tied to another world, one who can open portals at their whim. You are not evil. It is time to reject the tainted power they poured into you while you held the gate open
so the others could escape. How can you be evil when you saved so many innocent children? Remember the children?

  I did remember the kids, but just barely. They were so pitiful looking as they toddled or were carried to the carts that awaited them. Their dirty faces were streaked with tears, their clothes in tattered disarray. Yes I remembered the children. I tried to shake the malevolence off, but the oily red haze of evil still clutched my heart and mind fiercely.

  The dragon nuzzled my cheek before moving away to curl itself into a ball in the corner. It left me alone to think. I knew he would be waiting when I grew tired. As always, he would lift his wing so I could lie down in the crook of his foreleg then he would wrap his large wing around me for warmth. It was how we always spent our nights when we weren't fighting the hideous monsters.

  It seemed as though weeks, perhaps months passed while my dragon and I were stuck in that strange otherworld. I was so tired. I couldn't fight anymore. I could barely stand on my own. My eyes burned with fatigue and all I could think of was finally succumbing to the sweetness of oblivion forever. I approached him, the weariness evident in my every step as I dragged my tired feet. The cave grew darker, the shadows longer as I approached him, knowing I was just too tired to care anymore.

  Rest, courimeo.

  My dragon whispered the soothing words into my mind. It was a powerful temptation. I needed to sleep, to finally catch a break. I wanted nothing more than to stop fighting the incubi and rest. But I was afraid of even that. Rest brought dreams and then the monsters would attack. I wanted to rest, needed to rest, but I was afraid to dream.

  Then stop, Lily. You need not fear. My love for you is deep and, as always, I shall follow where you lead.

  I looked up into those familiar green eyes and knew what I had to do. It needed said. Given the way I felt, I knew I could not allow myself to lead him anywhere. I was headed for a bad place. Hell, perhaps. A good place could certainly never come from the evil I still felt swirling inside me. It was as though any good I may have ever possessed was leeched out of me, stolen from inside of me, never to be found. Shaking my head, I rested my hand on his powerful flank. The green and gold scales shimmered with iridescence beneath my fingers. He was such a beautiful dragon. "No, my love. This time you lead and I will follow." I only wished he could lead me from this place of darkness and death to a place of light and love where we could spend our days merely in each other's company.

  I loved him more than I ever loved any human being. I would spend the rest of my life with him, even knowing I would never again have any type of physical relationship. He was always there for me, protecting me, loving me. How could I do any less for him?

  I woke up on a bed covered with soft, warm blankets. Sunlight streamed through the room through transparent ice-blue curtains. The off-white trim and wainscoting seemed overly bright against the soft mauve walls. A cherry armoire stood in the corner with its doors open to reveal a state-of-the-art TV and surround sound system. A large chair sat next to the bed with a remote control and a glass of water.

  Sitting up, I let the covers fall around my waist and gasped. Yanking the blankets back up to my chin, I scowled. I'd lain in this bed as naked as the day I was born for God only knew how long. Where was I? Better yet, who was I? My mind was cloudy and filled with all sorts of strange visions. The name Natasha floated up from my subconscious. "Natasha." I tried the name out loud and shook my head. Whoever Natasha was, I was fairly certain it wasn't me.

  A knock sounded on the door. I scooted down in the bed, covering myself from toes to chin and waited for my visitor to enter. The door opened slowly and a man with reddish brown hair walked in.

  "I'm glad to see you're awake, Lily." Turning, he looked back out into the hall and shut the door silently. Striding over to the bed, he placed a cool hand on my brow and smiled. "I'm glad to see your fever is finally gone." He pulled the large chair near the bed and leaned closer to whisper, "I had to sneak past Darius's guards. He's been a bit of a tyrant with your care since you went under. He doesn't leave your side very often. Only long enough to feed, I think." The man settled down onto the chair next to the bed. "He doesn't want me to tell you this until you're stronger, but I think you have a right to know."

  Know what and who was Darius? I frowned. My name was Lily? Yech. I looked at the man who had obviously snuck into my room and frowned. "Who are you?"

  He sat back, obviously shocked. "Why…I'm your father, Trent Grubowski. Don't you remember me?"

  I hesitated to admit I didn't remember much of anything. I didn't know this man, or trust him, and the last thing I wanted to do was show my weakness to another. Some strange sense of self preservation kept me from saying anything more for the time being. For some reason I longed to see the expressive green eyes of my dragon. I knew it was impossible. Even in my state, I knew I'd just woken from a horrible dream. Or was it a nightmare? I wondered if, perhaps, this was the nightmare since my dragon obviously didn't exist here. And who the hell was Darius?

  I looked at the man who called himself my father. "What do you want?" My fingers played with a crease in the sheets. I shifted instead of waiting for an answer and blurted, "If you don't mind, I would like to get dressed." I looked around the room for something to wear and spotted a robe draped over a chair in the corner. If only he would leave long enough for me to slip it on.

  "I'll never get back in here if I leave to allow you the time to dress. Darius will find me and stop me from telling you--"

  "Darius has already found you."

  I cringed at the sound of that voice. It was so filled with menace I shuddered to think what this man was in for when he left the room. I hesitated to call him dad. I had no idea who he really was. What if he lied to me? What if he was one of those hideous monsters that could change into any form they wished? No. I would not trust him. Not yet.

  "Tell me what?" I perked up a bit, my curiosity peaked. Keeping the covers tight beneath my arms, I pushed myself into a sitting position. I felt too vulnerable just lying there like some wilted flower. I tried not to look at the handsome man who had just entered my room. Thick black hair stood in spikes on the top of his head, like he'd ran his fingers through it too often. Large hands stayed clenched at his sides as though he wanted to beat the other man to a pulp and didn't dare. His whole body was rigid with anger. I dragged my gaze away from him to give another look at the one who'd named himself my father and wondered. Perhaps he was my dad and this new man, Darius hesitated to harm him in front of me.

  Darius turned and I got a full-on view of his face. Intense moss-green eyes stared back at me. Familiar eyes. Loving eyes. I swallowed thickly and looked down at my lap. How could he have my dragon's eyes?

  Suddenly memories assailed me. Everything in my life came rushing back, taunting me. Haunting me. Happy days as a family together, my father leaving. I spared a glance to the man in the corner. He was my dad, all right. The memories continued. I opened my first portal. My mother had me committed. How I hated her for that. Our relationship had never recovered. It never would recover. How could she just stick me in a mental institution without researching it? They'd done unspeakable things to me there and I'd nearly killed myself when I was released.

  I clenched my hands into fists. I'd never forgiven her for doing that to me. I didn't think I was capable of forgiving her for it. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks at the memory of what Darius and I did together in his house and I couldn't meet his gaze. Somehow, I knew he was the one who had triggered my memory.

  Darius sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Tell her if you must, but at least wait until she's dressed. She's uncomfortable in that bed naked and it puts her at a disadvantage. Let her dress and have something to eat then you may tell her what you wish and I will not stop you."

  I almost protested then my stomach growled. It would have given lie to at least one of my objections so I kept my mouth shut while Daddy nodded and left the room. Darius turned, the soft light of love and caring in
his eyes that had been absent before. I marveled that his eyes were so much like those of my dragon. I almost cried for his loss, even though he was obviously a dream. I'd fallen in love with him. It wasn't a romantic love, but it was a strange all-consuming love that one species can feel for another. My dragon had felt the same for me as well. I knew it because he always breathed easier when I was near.

  "Get dressed." He moved closer to me, placed his hand on my forehead then cupped my cheek. "I would spare you what your father has to say if I could. It is not my right to deny him as we are not fully bonded yet. We will await you downstairs. After you eat he will tell you what plagues him."

  I nodded and my stomach clenched. It must be something horrible that he would insist my father not tell me until I'd recovered. Part of me wanted him to just spill the beans, while another part of me wanted nothing more than to pull the covers over my head and hide from the world. Wasn't losing my dragon enough for one day?

  Darius caught me eyeing the robe dubiously and smiled. "There are clothes for you in the closet. Please wear what you like. Everything in this room belongs to you." He turned and left after that, leaving me to get up and get dressed.

  I eyed the two doors that hadn't been used after he left and speculated that one must be the closet. The other, I hoped, was a bathroom. My hair felt greasy and nasty and, at that moment, I wanted a shower more than I wanted to feel Darius's warm capable hands upon my flesh.

  Sliding from the bed, I rushed to the chair and donned the robe before anyone else could barge in and see me naked. Walking to the door closest to the bed, I hoped it was the closet. I gasped when I opened the door. The large walk-in was full of clothes. I didn't recognize a stitch of it as being mine. Designer styles I'd secretly coveted, but could never afford, practically jumped out at me. Shoes and boots of almost every style and color boggled my mind.

  I walked into the closet and pulled out a slinky, red formfitting dress with spaghetti straps and a pair of knee-high black boots. I rummaged through the dresser and found a plethora of brand new underwear. Grabbing a red thong from the drawer, I carried my treasures to the next door. It had to be a bathroom.