“Well, maybe you could do something with books? Like a librarian or publishing or being a writer?” Her eyes snapped up when I said the last word. I’d figured they would.
“I don’t know.” She picked at her nails and I could tell she wanted to talk about something else.
“You’ll figure it out. We’ll both figure it out. We don’t have a choice, really. You have to get a job if you want to have money and buy things.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” she said in an odd tone.
“Maybe you could be a Timothy Olyphant expert. I’m sure there’s a need for one,” I said and her face melted into a smile.
I didn’t mean to tell Coen as much as I had, but something seized me and I just couldn’t hold everything in anymore. Now, it was like waking up and seeing the sun shining through the curtains.
I just… I didn’t want to be alone anymore.
It started with saying hello to Lacey when I saw her in the bathroom, and I kept it going by telling Coen a little about my family. I talked more with Lacey and found out that she was hilarious and a little bit crazy. I even made a plan to hang out with her on the weekend and watch movies. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I’d hung out with another girl. It was like I was learning how to be a functioning human being all over again.
I didn’t just open the floodgates and let the whole damn world in again, but a few drops here and there were fine. In fact, once I started, it became easier and easier. Disturbingly easy. I had to keep checking myself to make sure I didn’t do too much.
The nightmares were still strong and persistent, but they started to seem… distant. Not as potent. Still horrifying and I still woke up in a cold sweat sometimes, but it was easier to get back to sleep, or to talk myself down afterwards. I really thought I’d turned a corner.
And then, as life often does, I was knocked flat on my back.
One phone call undid everything that I’d been moving toward. Like I’d been knitting a scarf and someone reached for the yarn and unraveled every stich. And then broke the needles in half.
To be fair, it wasn’t Mr. Howard’s fault. He was the district attorney who’d prosecuted the person (although he didn’t even deserve that title) who murdered my family. Every now and then Mr. Howard would call and check on me and this time, he had some news that his appeal had been filed.
I never answered when Mr. Howard called and he knew that, so he left detailed voicemails for me. I’d been in class when he’d called, so my phone had been off. I hadn’t checked it until I was with Coen, having dinner in his room. Just seeing that I had a missed call from Mr. Howard’s number was enough to send me to a grinding halt. I tried to put my phone away and keep my face passive, but Coen was smarter than that.
“Whoa, you just got really pale. Are you okay? Are you sick?” He reached toward me, totally ignoring our no-touching rule. To be fair, we both violated it on a regular basis.
“N-no,” I said, stuttering. Waves of hot and cold washed up and down my spine and I felt like I was going to throw up. He tried to touch me and I flinched away, putting my hands up for him to stay back. Sensing he shouldn’t try to do anything, he sat back and waited. I closed my eyes and breathed through my nose, willing the feeling to pass.
This always happened when Mr. Howard called. No matter what. And I’d always been alone. It was different, having someone witness what was happening to me.
The waves of nausea slowly passed and my heartrate went back down. Not to normal, it was still fast, but close enough for me to open my eyes and look at him.
“I need to go back to my room. Now.” Coen just gaped at me, but then slammed his mouth shut and nodded.
“I’ll walk you,” he said, getting to his feet and then holding his hand out to help me up. We’d been eating dinner on his floor, a towel spread out to catch the crumbs.
He didn’t say anything as we walked side-by-side back to my room. His phone trilled and he pulled it out of his pocket, frowning before he silenced it and then shoved it away. Must be his mom. I knew she called him a lot. I didn’t know what that was like anymore. I wished, more than anything, that I did.
I knew I needed to say something, to explain, but the words wouldn’t come.
“I’m sorry. This is one of those times when I need to be alone. I’ll talk to you soon.” I had the absurd urge to kiss him on the cheek, but I didn’t. I just turned and walked into my building without another word.
The message from Mr. Howard was brief, but just the cadence of his voice was enough to throw me back into that courtroom. Memories like that aren’t just visual. They have weight, substance. I could feel the wooden bench that had made my back ache. I could smell the polish and the floor wax and the various perfumes and colognes from everyone around me. I could hear the coughs and creaks as people walked the floor. Most of all, I could see him.
I had to dash to the bathroom when the message ended and everything I’d eaten recently came up. Like my stomach was trying to turn itself inside out. I heaved and heaved, not even caring if anyone heard me.
Finally, it seemed as if my stomach exhausted itself and I sat on the floor, my entire body trembling. I blinked the tears out of my eyes and spit a few times to try and clear my mouth of the bitter taste of stomach acid that had come up after my body was done rejecting food.
There was a knock on the stall door.
“Um, are you okay?” It was Lacey. I gripped the toilet paper dispenser and pulled myself to my feet. My head swam for a moment, but then I flushed the toilet and unlocked the door.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Think I have the flu or something.” I pushed past her to the sink to wash my mouth out. I was so wrung out I didn’t even care what I looked like.
“I’d say so, you’re really pale. Do you need some medicine or something?” I spit the water out and wiped my mouth with my hand, avoiding looking at my face in the mirror.
“No, I’m good.” I looked back at her and I could tell she was just trying to be nice. “Thanks, though.”
“Sure. I’m a nursing major so it’s kind of an occupational hazard to want to take care of sick people. Seriously, though, I have, like, a pharmacy in my room. Wow, that sounded bad. But it’s true.” She flipped her hair and smiled. In my previous life, we definitely would have been friends. Maybe even best friends. She was a lot like Lila, my former BFF.
I hadn’t heard from Lila in weeks. Most of my friends had stood by my side, even when I shoved them away. And I’d shoved. So hard. But you can only try so hard to be friends with someone who doesn’t want to be friends anymore. On graduation day, they gave me limp hugs and said we’d talk soon.
We never did. I’d deleted my social media accounts and got a new phone, so that had pretty much ended it.
I gripped the edge of the sink to hold myself up and wondered if I’d have the energy to go back to my room and make some oatmeal and ginger tea to soothe my stomach. It was going to be a while before I was going to be up to eating regular food again.
Lacey was staring at me and I realized I had been looking off into space for a while.
“I’m probably overstepping again, but you look like you could use someone to talk to. And my roommate is blasting country music and it makes me want to puncture my eardrums, so I would appreciate the break.” I knew exactly what she was doing and I wanted to say no. But then my mouth said yes and we were walking back down the hall to my room together.
“Oh my God, this is cute beyond belief!” she said as she looked around the small space. I kept it pretty neat, since I didn’t have a whole lot of things, so I wasn’t worried about her stumbling on a pair of dirty underwear or something.
“It’s not much, but I don’t have to share, so,” I said, closing the door and then slumping in the one and only chair.
“Yeah, I totally get that. I’d give up some square footage if it meant that I didn’t have to live with a country music loving mouth breather.” I almost laughed. Almost. My throat was raw from throwi
ng up and I honestly just wanted to go to sleep, but Lacey was flitting around my room and looking at everything. Seemed like she had some issues with boundaries, which wasn’t surprising.
“Can I get you anything? Some tea or something?” She turned her attention back to me and I thought about rejecting her but I didn’t.
“Um, some tea would be great,” I said, my voice totally raw. I thought she was going to head for the microwave, but she walked right over and put her hand on my forehead. I flinched back.
“Sorry,” she said, wiggling her fingers. “I can be kind of hands on and I forget that not everyone is okay with that.” I just nodded and leaned on my desk.
“Okay, tea, tea,” she said, muttering to herself as she located the microwave, cups and my little boxes of tea.
“Be right back,” she said, flitting out of the room and coming back moments later with the cup full of water.
Within fifteen minutes she had me tucked in bed, sipping ginger tea and was tidying my already-tidy room.
“You don’t have to do that,” I rasped for the tenth time.
“I know. But germs live everywhere and you don’t want to get sick with something else while your immune system is compromised.” I wasn’t going to tell her that getting sick had nothing to do with my immune system.
My phone beeped with a text message. Lacey handed it to me without reading what it said.
Coen. Asking if I was okay. I groaned and Lacey got all concerned again. I had to tell her that it was all good and she finally sat down in my chair, but then kept shifting her position, as if she couldn’t get comfortable. She was a bit like a fluttering bird that could never settle on a perch. It was a little hard to watch, but she was nice, and she was being kind to me, so I didn’t say anything.
“So, who is that cute as hell boy I’ve seen you with?” She raised an eyebrow and gave me a smirk. Oh, boy talk. I was so out of practice being friends with girls.
“Um, he’s a friend.” She made a little snorting noise.
“Yeah, I think he’s a little more than that. You can see it in the way he looks at you.” I looked into my empty cup as if it was going to supply me with the right words to say to that.
“What do you mean?” I didn’t sound convincing at all, and I cringed internally.
“Oh, girl. He’s got it bad. You can practically see the little hearts coming out of his eyes. He’s a human emoji when he looks at you.” My stupid face got red.
“We’re… it’s complicated.” She laughed and it made her sound much younger.
“Isn’t it always? Especially with boys that look like that.” I didn’t respond.
“Fine, fine, I won’t barge into your private business the way I barged into your room.” Good.
“Thank you,” I said and she laughed again. “So, what’s your story?” I didn’t want to talk about me anymore. I needed a distraction from my life in the form of hearing about someone else’s.
“My story? Well, I’m eighteen, an Aquarius, I like long walks in the park…” she trailed off and smiled. “Just kidding. Well, I do like those things, but I’m also a nursing major, which you knew—my mom’s a nurse, my aunts are nurses, literally everyone in my family is a nurse or a paramedic. I should have been the rebel, but I really did want to go into nursing. Even if no one in my family did. I’ve lived in Maine my whole life, I have three sisters and one brother, my parents are still married, I have two nephews, I’m allergic to fabric softener and I have an unhealthy obsession with cheese.” She clapped her hands together and I jumped.
“And I have a tendency to overstay my welcome, laugh too loud and not pick up on social cues.” This time when she smiled, I saw that she had a dimple. She was a frenetic ball of energy, but I couldn’t help but warm to her. Even with all the shit going on in my head, she was a beam of light that had somehow cut through.
“That’s okay. I’m almost completely socially inept and out of practice actually interacting with other people, so I’d say we’re a good match.” She gave me a thumbs up and then took my cup, went to the bathroom, washed it and then brought it back.
“Okay, well, I’ll get out of your hair. I hope you’re feeling better and if you need anything, I’m just down the hall. Just ignore my roommate.” She started to leave, but I told her that she didn’t have to go.
“I mean, you can if you want to, but if you wanted to hang out as well, you can. No pressure or anything.” Yes, I was severely out of practice with social interaction.
“Really? You don’t mind? I should be doing homework, but I already did four hours of studying and my brain is totally fried. I don’t get a whole lot of time to just do nothing.” I slid over on my bed and patted the space next to me. She hopped up next to me and grabbed the remote.
“You want to know the last time I watched a movie? Like… maybe sometime in the summer? Definitely not since school has started. I get an episode of a show every now and then, but a movie is too much time. I don’t even know what’s playing or what’s out or anything.” She sighed and made herself comfortable, as if she’d hung out with me a dozen times.
“You can pick whatever you want,” I said as she turned on the television and flipped around so fast that I couldn’t even tell what was on before she’d moved on. Everything Lacey did seemed frenetic, as if she functioned at a faster pace than any other human I’d ever met.
“Oh, I love this movie,” she said, turning the volume up.
“What is it?” I asked, tentative.
“Never Been Kissed. Although, I always thought the reason that Josie couldn’t get a guy was that she was into girls, but whatever. All I want is a romantic comedy with lesbians, but I guess that’s too much to ask.” Whoa. I had to think for a second and figure out what the hell I was supposed to say to that.
“Um, I like this movie,” I said and Lacey grinned.
“Sorry. I’m not very subtle, am I? Also, I’m not hitting on you either.” I gaped at her and she just laughed at me and then patted my shoulder.
“It’ll be okay. I don’t bite.” She turned back to the movie and my mind swirled. No one had ever been that… open with me about something like that before. Living in Maine, my friend group had been very white, very straight and we’d all had the same views on most things. There wasn’t anything wrong with it, it was just how things happened.
“So, um, you’re…” I didn’t know what the correct term was.
“A lesbian. A girl who kisses girls. Gay. Queer. Whatever.” She shrugged one shoulder and kept her eyes on the screen. “Just don’t call me a dyke. Then I’ll get upset.”
“I wouldn’t. I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what I was apologizing for.
“No prob. I probably should have used some more tact, but when you have to come out, like, all the time, you get tired of making the same old speech, so I’ve been experimenting with different ways.” I still didn’t know what to say and I could feel that my face was totally red. She’d definitely pushed my problems and issues aside for the time being and I guess I had to be grateful to her for that at least.
“You should see your face right now. It’s priceless. Calm down, Ingrid. You’re kinda uptight sometimes, you know that?” I didn’t think I was uptight, but I guess I was next to someone like Lacey who didn’t seem to have a bit of embarrassment in her entire body.
“It’s cool. I mean, love is love, right?” I tried to laugh and she gave me a smile.
“Damn right it is.” We both turned back to the movie and watched as Drew Barrymore tried not to flirt with her teacher and failed.
“This movie is actually kind of creepy, when you think about it. I mean, Drew is twenty-five and this kid is what, seventeen? I mean, I’m no cop, but I’m pretty sure that’s not legal in a bunch of states,” she said.
“Huh,” I said. “I’d never actually thought about that, but you’re totally right. Gross.” She made a face at me and I laughed.
“There we are. I knew you could lighten up.”
It was incredible. Not long before I’d been in the bathroom throwing up and here I was now, laughing with a girl I barely knew. Life was bizarre sometimes.
Even though it was quite late, she stayed with me and watched the whole movie, even getting up to grab a few of my snacks.
“Vegan? Oh, are you vegan?” she asked.
“Yup.”
“Cool, that’s awesome. I’d love to do that, but my first love is cheese, so that’s not going to happen. Unless somehow in the future science perfects an artificial cheese that tastes and acts exactly like regular cheese. Then I’d be fine with being vegan.” It was true that I missed cheese, but the longer I lived without the real thing, the harder it was for me to remember what it tasted like and miss it.
I told her so and she nodded.
“Makes sense.”
In my previous life, my friends had made fun of me being vegan. They’d try to get me to eat pizza or whatever because I guess they thought it was funny. It wasn’t until I got real upset that they cut it out. Lila had never done that, which was one of the reasons I’d been so close with her.
If I was totally honest, I missed her. I missed sleepovers and making pancakes the next morning and pool parties and texting during classes and always having someone who had my back.
I’d cut everyone off because it hurt too much to keep them around. And they hadn’t known how to deal with everything. That I couldn’t blame them for, but it still made it impossible for me to keep them around at the time. I couldn’t stand the way they looked at me. The hushed way they spoke to me. And then there was the fact that they talked about me like I wasn’t standing right next to them. The whole thing was just insult on top of injury and there was only so much I could deal with, so my friends were the first I dropped.
“Well that was fun,” Lacey said, stretching her arms up until her shoulders popped. I winced at the sound. “If you wanna do this again, I’m on board. Or if you wanted to do homework together or something. I study a lot, and you’re welcome anytime. I’m not super good at focusing on most things, but I can study for hours straight with no problem.” I wished I had that ability. I seemed to get distracted unless the subject was riveting, which it often wasn’t. Plus, a lot of my thoughts had been distracted by Coen and it was hard to shake thinking about him, especially when he was sitting right next to me.
Bend Me, Break Me Page 16
