“Shut up, Adam!” Shannon jerked forward in her chair. “Stop trying to make it seem like Joey was the bad guy. I saw what happened at Dutton’s. And Joey did, too.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, looking from Shannon to Adam and back again. “Since this whole phone call thing came up, you’ve sworn you didn’t know why they were fighting.”
“Please, Maggie. Like you don’t know?” Shannon snorted and sat back in her chair, rocking back and forth with her movement.
“Wait,” I said, “what am I missing? I have to be missing something because I feel like I just slipped into an alternate universe.”
“I’m talking about you two,” Shannon said, pointing to me and then Adam. “The way you were dancing that night. Joey might have been across the yard, but he saw you. And from my perspective, it sure as hell looked like something sketchy was going on.”
“You can’t be serious,” I said. “You were dancing with us.”
“No,” Shannon said. “I definitely wasn’t.”
“Oh, my God,” I said. “I can’t believe this is—”
“Shannon, don’t do this.” Adam’s voice ripped through the air.
I shot up from the couch, staring Shannon right in the eyes, hating her.
“Are you seriously accusing me and Adam of—”
“Look,” Shannon said, “I’m just calling it like I saw it. You two seemed pretty close that night. And since Adam isn’t sharing specifics with us, I’m simply taking a wild guess.”
“Well, you guessed wrong,” I said. “Way wrong.”
“Whatever you say.” Shannon’s lips turned up in a little smile that I wanted to scrape right off her face. In that moment, I might even have scraped her out of my life for good. But angry as I was, it was still Shannon. And with Joey gone and Adam in some kind of crisis, we had to stick together. So I just turned away from her and pressed my lips together.
“This has been real,” Adam said. “But I’m over it.”
“Adam, you still haven’t—”
“You expect me to spill my guts after that?” he asked, tossing a hand toward Shannon. “Don’t count on it.”
He turned and raced up the steps, taking them two at a time, disappearing before I could even begin to grasp what had just happened.
I stood there staring after him, tugging at the sleeves of my sweatshirt, Joey’s favorite baseball hoodie. It was light gray and had deep front pockets that I used to love digging my hands into when Joey was wrapped in its warmth. I’d done it often: waiting in line for the haunted hayride last Halloween, hanging out and sipping hot chocolate after ice-skating in the center of town last Christmas, and walking through the hall between classes when I tucked a note in the soft darkness as we kissed a quick good-bye.
And now, standing in Shannon’s basement, with the last trace of Adam’s energy quickly fading from the space around us, with his anger, Shannon’s accusations, and Joey’s secrets spiraling all around us, I shoved my hands deep into those pockets, feeling like I’d just said good-bye in a whole new way. To Joey, the only boy I had ever loved; to Adam, the guy who’d always been there, but suddenly wasn’t; and to a lifetime of friendship that I never thought would fade.
11
Secrets of My Own
Like Joey, I had secrets of my own. Plans that I’d never shared with him. Questions I’d never admit to. Things that gave me the rush of excitement and daring he probably felt on a daily basis, Joey being Joey and all. Most of them were good secrets. Secrets that, if he’d learned of them, would make Joey break out that lopsided grin that had been spinning my world on its axis for most of my life. And the rest—those secrets Joey might not like so much. But those didn’t matter. Those were mine alone. Dreamy, private thoughts that would never exist outside the safety of my mind.
“Seriously?” Tanna’s eyes widened and a smile spread across her face. She leaned forward, the thick braid that she’d twisted her hair into slapping against my arm as she pulled me into a hug. “You’re gonna be all grown up, Mags.”
Shannon made a sound that was between a snort and a snicker and took a swig from the can of Milwaukee’s Best in her hand. “You’re sure you’re ready?”
I looked over my shoulder, catching a quick glimpse of Joey as he bounded through a crowd of people who were all cheering as Jimmy Dutton kicked his feet up in the air for a keg stand. Joey took the back patio steps of the Duttons’ enormous house two at a time, his hand breezing across the wooden railing. Light spilled out of every window causing Joey to practically glow as he opened the screen door and stepped into the kitchen. I could still feel the kiss he’d planted on my forehead when he ran by, telling me he had to pee and then he’d be back with drinks.
“It’s the little things,” I said, staring through the bay window of the dining room so I could watch Joey stand in line for the bathroom, bouncing from one foot to the other, his baggy tan shorts swaying around his muscular legs. “All the little things make me sure it’s right.”
“For some reason, I’m guessing it’s not very little.” Shannon giggled and pressed her fingers to her lips.
“Shannon!” Tanna smacked her on the arm. “Maggie is confiding a secret of supreme importance. Have some respect.”
Shannon raised her hand to her forehead, pulling her face into a tight mask, and saluted Tanna. “Yes, sir.”
“She might be drunk, but she asked a good question.” Tanna plopped down in the green lawn chair at the base of a large oak tree in Jimmy’s backyard, ignoring the chaos of the party surrounding us. Three topsy-turvy seniors stumbled past in a blur of long arms and legs, rushing through the flickering shadows of the Duttons’ backyard toward the sound of Pete’s guitar, accompanied by a banjo and harmonica as he and two friends played some fast-paced bluegrass song near the fire pit. “You’re sure you’re ready?”
I listened to all the laughter. There was so much of it. Everywhere. I could almost see the looping strands of sound coloring the air around me.
“It’s a good party,” I said.
“I can’t believe it’s Memorial Day weekend. We’re almost seniors.” Shannon propped herself against the oak tree and looked up into the leafy branches.
“Mags,” Tanna said, her eyebrows arched. “You’re ignoring me.”
“No.” I shook my head, looking back through the bay window to find Joey standing right in front of the closed bathroom door. He was knocking on the dark wood and, from his profile, I could tell he was laughing. I knew the sound of his laughter so well, I felt like I could hear it pulsing through the walls of the house, carried by the bright light streaming through the windows. “I’m thinking.”
“If you have to think about it,” Shannon looked right at me, “you’re not ready.”
“That’s not true.” I could hear the defensive tone in my voice and wondered what color it would be if it floated into the air, mixing in with all the happiness surrounding us. I pushed the thought away and looked at Joey again, finding the curve of his neck, where I planned to kiss him first when he returned with a fresh beer in his hand. “Thinking about it means I’m being responsible. And that’s what makes me ready.”
“Nope.” Shannon shook her head. “What makes you ready is feeling that you might explode if you wait one more second to be with him.”
“There is that.” Tanna sighed and straightened the striped skirt she was wearing, tugging it up a tad to show off more of her tanned legs. “But thinking about it is good, too. Preparing. Knowing.”
I laughed then, out loud, the sound rippling into the night and riding the air to far-off places. “I totally know.”
Tanna looked at me and gave me the loudest squee. “This is huge,” she said. “We’ll have to go shopping. You need something sexy to wear.”
My stomach did a little twist. “Sexy?”
Shannon pushed off the tree and walked over as I sank into the chair next to Tanna. “You gotta show Joey that you feel him,” Shannon said as she leaned ag
ainst the back of my chair.
When I looked for him again, Joey was gone. In his place were four girls, giggling and red faced. I imagined that he’d said something to make them all flutter before he closed himself into the bathroom.
“Oh, he’ll know I feel him,” I said. “I’m just not a Victoria’s Secret kind of girl.”
Shannon kneeled down in front of me, draping her arm across my legs. “If you’re planning to lose your virginity to the guy you’ve been dating for almost two years, you need something sexy. He deserves it for being so patient, right?” Shannon’s eyes flickered between me and the bay window. I turned to find Joey exiting the bathroom, tugging up the zipper on his shorts and high-fiving the senior captain of the baseball team as he passed on his way to some deeper part of the house.
Joey’s eyes sizzled with life. I could practically feel their heat.
Tanna kicked me, the heel of her sandal biting into my shin.
“Ouch!” I leaned over and tugged on her braid. “What’d you do that for?”
“We’re discussing the details of your first time, and you can’t focus long enough to commit to a shopping trip?”
“You said his parents are going out of town?” Shannon lifted her eyebrows and took another swig from her drink.
“His parents’ll be gone for an entire week, just after school lets out. I’ve been planning it since I heard.” I giggled at the way my insides went all shiver-shaky at the thought of Joey’s naked body on top of mine. “You wanna go shopping next week, fine. Maybe you’re right.”
“Ladies.” The deep voice came from behind us, and we all turned to face him.
“Adam, where have you been?” Tanna asked. “This party is in, like, full swing. You’re gonna have to do at least five keg stands to catch up.”
Adam chuckled, pushing his bangs away from his eyes with the palm of one hand. “Shan didn’t tell you she saw me earlier?”
“No,” Shannon said, something strange crossing her face. “I forgot.”
“Well, I’ve been in the crowd”—Adam nodded toward the ever-growing circle of people clamoring around the fire pit, most of them bouncing to the beat of the bluegrass—“listening to Pete jam with G and Rusty. They’re rockin’ it out.”
I closed my eyes, tipped my head back on the chair, and focused on the sounds drifting across the backyard. I pictured bright reds and oranges spiraling through the air, a spiking strand of yellow thrown in here and there, all tumbling from the instruments, twisting around the people, and bleeding out to color the night sky. It was one of those moments where everything in my life felt right. I had these awesome friends. And the best boyfriend, ever, to whom I was about to give myself completely. Summer was about to begin, and when it ended I’d run smack into my senior year of high school, which I’d only been thinking of reaching since sixth grade. I felt in sync with everything around me. Even the drunk people stumbling around the yard. But especially Joey.
I plucked my head from the back of the chair and sat up, my brain swimming in all the beer I’d downed. “Where’s Joey?”
“Pee break, remember?” Shannon threw a thumb toward the kitchen door.
I shook my head. “I saw him come out of the bathroom. He should be back with the beer now.” Not that I cared about the beer. I wanted him to swing me out of my seat and dance me, barefoot, across the cool carpet of grass. The music, it was infectious, streaming into my body, and I needed to get up and move to the bucking banjo and taunting harmonica, to the threads of guitar pulling it all together. It was the song, a twangy version of Snoop Dogg’s “Gin and Juice,” that had done it to me.
“I want to dance,” I said with a giggle. I knew I was drunk, but it was a nice heavy feeling, like a warm blanket, and not out of control.
Tanna looked at me with a smile. “Dance?” she asked, placing her beer in the grass. “You want to dance?”
I laughed, nodded my heavy head. And then my hand was in Tanna’s. She pulled me from the chair and swung me around, my hair lifting off my shoulders and dancing right along with me. Shannon joined in, and the three of us sang along to the lyrics like it was our song and no one was there to watch us.
Soon, Adam’s feet were in the mix, his brown sandals kicking up into the air with my bare feet, Tanna’s heels, and Shannon’s flip-flops. We twisted around one another, shouting the words, linking arms, trading places as our voices and happiness flew out into the night.
It was at the very end, when the song slowed down, that I found myself in Adam’s arms. His grasp was tight around my waist, keeping me steady as I belted the lyrics out to the dark night that lay beyond the reach of the fire’s light. I leaned into him, closing my eyes, focusing on nothing but the sounds Pete and the guys were flinging into the air. I breathed Adam in, the scent of him damp and hot, a spice so different from my Joey. But so familiar-good.
As the last notes sounded, I looked up at Adam, tugging a strand of hair from his eyes. He tilted his head down, gave me a wink. And right there, in the Duttons’ backyard, with people dancing all around us, drunk on music and alcohol and summer, I started to wonder…. If I kissed him, eyes closed tight, where would I feel his hands first? If his lips met mine, would it be soft and sweet? Or rushed and insistent?
Then Shan laughed and Tanna bumped into me, pushing me right up against Adam’s chest. The way his eyes flashed when I pressed my hands against him made me wonder if all the stuff rushing around my head had invaded him, too. But then I let it go, tossed out all those questions until they disappeared. Because I had Joey, who was all kinds of amazing.
“I think you need to sit down,” Adam whispered into the loose strands of hair tickling my face.
He squeezed me close as he guided me back toward the chairs. I just breathed. Focused on the in and out. If I focused on all the rest, guilt would come flooding in. And I hadn’t done anything wrong.
“That was …,” I started, but couldn’t find the words to balance the thoughts that were still echoing through my mind.
“Nice,” Adam said.
“Yeah,” I whispered as Adam dropped me into the chair. “Very.”
Adam took a step back, moving me from a pool of darkness to light in the space of one single breath. And that’s when I saw him, staring out at me from the top step of the Duttons’ back deck. His face was in shadow, but I could tell from the stiff slant of his shoulders that something was off.
I waved him over. But he just stood there watching. I wondered how long he’d been there. If he was upset that I’d been dancing with Adam. But Joey wasn’t like that. Never had been.
Then I wondered if my thoughts had been so loud that maybe he’d heard them. If he knew I’d pictured Adam kissing me, and me kissing Adam right back. I wanted to explain. To tell him that it was a simple moment of drunken curiosity. I wanted to assure Joey that I would never, ever do anything to answer the questions that had been spinning around in my mind. But that would have been crazy, spilling all that out into the space between us. So my only choice was to act normal.
“Joey,” I yelled. “C’mere.”
That’s what got him moving. The sound of my voice. He jumped the five steps, pummeling the grass with his feet, and bounded across the yard.
“Here you go.” He handed me a beer and then passed one to Tanna and Shannon, too. “Didn’t know you were here, man,” Joey said to Adam.
“Got here a while ago.” Adam’s voice was tight.
“Mmm.” Joey took a swig from his beer. “It’s a wild one.”
I looked up at both of them. They were standing next to each other, but they were stiff. Awkward. I felt like something was going on, and I hoped it didn’t have anything to do with Joey knowing me so well he could read my thoughts. Then another song started, painting the irritation that drifted between them deep shades of dusty pink, indigo, and green, whisking it away after just a few notes.
Joey began to tap his hand on his knee. And then, without warning, his eyes flashed mischievously, an
d he started to speak. As always, he surprised me.
“I found something in there.” He threw a hand toward the house. “Anyone up for a little excitement?”
“Way to be mysterious.” Shannon hopped up from her spot on the ground, her wavy brown hair flying around her shoulders. “I’m totally in.”
Adam shook his head, looking from Joey to Shannon. “You two,” he said. His lips parted as if he were about to say more, but then he pressed them together, trapping the words.
“Leave it alone,” Joey said, his eyes tight with irritation. “You don’t wanna come along, fine by me. But don’t spoil our fun, dude.”
Adam grunted as Joey and Shannon turned and started toward the house. I squealed and jumped up, tugging Tanna with me. “Wonder if it’s some secret passageway.” I envisioned pressing Joey up against a curved wall, bound to him by total and complete darkness, and showing him with one single kiss how very much he meant to me.
“C’mon, Adam,” Tanna called over her shoulder. “You need a beer, anyway.”
I looked back and caught Adam as he took a few slow steps after us. “Come on!” I shouted, tossing my head toward the house, throwing myself off balance, thinking it was a good thing that Tanna was there to keep me upright.
12
Shaky Fingertips
“You do know it’s summer, right?” Tanna asked from the other end of the line.
I pressed the phone against my cheek and slid off my bed, moving across the room to the mirror above my dresser. “I’m so pale, you can almost see through me.”
“Exactly my point. And that, my friend, calls for a pool day.”
“Tanna, I’m not sure.” Guilt flared through my stomach. I felt like I shouldn’t allow myself to go on doing all the stuff Joey couldn’t. Like I’d be betraying him if I went to Gertie’s Dairy Farm for ice cream or sat around laughing with our friends. But then Dr. Guest’s voice trailed through my mind, a direct quote from our last session, asking me to list the worst things that could happen if I decided to go on living my life. And the worst thing I could come up with was the guilt, which Joey would have hated.
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