by J. C. Hughes
I couldn't resist it anymore, as I dug my nails into his back, he slid his way over me, his lips tracing my neck. I felt the earth grind against my back as I wrapped my legs around his. He began to enter me, and I gasped lightly.
And then he stopped, I looked up to see that he had been watching me intently. He gently climbed off of me until he was lying beside me. He kissed the top of my head. I didn't have to ask; I knew why he had stopped.
"You know what the worst part about this is?" I whispered.
"What?"
"That this doesn't feel wrong. Even though it is."
He paused for a moment. "Maybe there's a reason." I nestled my face into his chest and breathed in the smell of grass and wind.
***
I was tense the next day. Elliot had noticed the change, and I could tell that it made him uneasy. He shifted uncomfortably as he picked at the Tilapia I had made him. I was staring absently at my plate. He cleared his throat.
“Jen, I’m sorry about last night.”
“Its fine, I’m fine.” My voice sounded mechanical.
“Don’t bullshit me, Jen. You’ve been out of it for weeks. Why won’t you just stay put and actually talk to me?”
“I tried to last night, and you’re always too busy. I don’t feel like I can talk to you anymore. You’re so wrapped up in yourself. There’s no point.” He’d never seen me so emotionless. He began to unravel.
“Where did you go last night?” I didn’t answer him. He asked again, louder.
“Yelling isn’t going to make me talk to you, Elliot. This is what I was talking about. I didn’t go anywhere. I just drove.”
“Jen, you’re the worst liar. You always have been. If there is someone else, please just tell me.” I looked up, my face letting none of the discomposure that I felt show. He looked tired, afraid even. I bet he stayed up all night waiting for me to get back. I softened a little bit.
“Elliot. I can’t do this anymore.” I stood up from the table and disappeared up the stairs.
“Do what, Jen?” His voice sounded strained as he yelled up the stairway. I heard him stomping up the stairs quickly when I didn’t respond. When he walked into the bedroom, I was packing a large suitcase. He rolled his eyes.
“Jen, c’mon. Stop this shit. You’re not actually going to leave. Let’s just save the trips to Ashley’s and work this out here.” I didn’t respond still, and I flinched as he raised his voice, grabbing my wrist. I ripped it away and looked at him fiercely.
“Don’t. Don’t you touch me, don’t you dare. I can’t do this. This charade. You’re never going to want a family. You’re never going to give that to me. You’re never going to change.”
“You knew that about me, Jen. You said it didn’t bother you. I thought we were on the same page!” His voice sounded desperate now. My heart was aching; I focused on pushing my clothes into the suitcase, and zipped it up. I had let it bottle up for far too long to stop.
“I was okay with it. Four years ago. I guess it was stupid of me to think that four years would have changed your mind. That your feelings for me would have been enough to make you want that with me. But it’s obvious to me that you’re not ever going to care about it like I want you to. And I’m not really ever going to not care about it like you want. I’m getting too old to keep wasting my time with someone who doesn’t care enough to want a future with me. Who isn’t afraid of the struggles it might bring, who thinks I'm worth the trouble.” I was fighting off tears as I talked. I couldn’t believe that I was saying this. I couldn’t believe how the more I spoke, the more resolute I felt. I looked at him again. I had never seen him cry before. I turned away, sure that my heart was going to fall out of my chest.
“Jen...don’t. Don’t do this, Jen. I love you. How are you going to just throw four years away like that? Look at me!” I couldn’t bring myself to turn back. I heard the chair he was sitting on scrape behind me, and then he was behind me, wrapping his arms around me.
“Jen, don’t go. We can work this out.” He rested his head on mine, I could feel his chest heaving. Tears started to gush out of my eyes.
“No. We can’t Elliot. I love you, so much. Don’t tell me we can fix this. You can’t fix wanting different things. I’m not going to change for anyone, and I wouldn’t want you to change for me.”
“How can you say you love me and say this, too? Jen I love you, please, Jenny, baby--”
“I’m going to stay with Ashley for a little while,” I interrupted. I did my best to sound sure of myself. I choked back every urge to turn around and make it better. To slap a Band-Aid on it and hope our love would overcome, like I had so many times before. No compromises. Not anymore.
I turned around finally, wiggling out of his embrace.
“I’ll call you. Please don’t call me until then. This is hard enough.” He looked up then, momentarily catching a glimpse of my wet eyes.
“Jen, please--” I turned without another word and walked out the open door. As I started my car, I heard him yelling from the porch.
“If you leave, then you’re no better than your mother, Jen!” I didn’t respond as I sped off, wiping the tears from my eyes.
For every mile that I drove, I didn’t realize how much weight had been on my chest. I breathed deeply, knowing that the words I’d been caging were finally free. I resisted the urge to drive to Luis’ house. I tried not to think about the words which I had been dying to say to him. I tried to not run to him right away, block the image of that loneliness I’d seen in his eyes. The loneliness that wasn’t there the night our exposed bodies touched, almost converging. It started to rain as I turned the stereo on.
I arrived at Ashley’s an hour later, the rain was pouring now, illuminating the only light on in her house. I rang the doorbell, praying that I wasn’t interrupting anything. The rain began to soak through my clothes as I shifted my bag between my hands. The door unlocked and opened recklessly a few seconds later. Ash was nowhere near as careful as I was, having grown up in a much safer hometown, she was accustomed to fearlessly opening the door to strangers. Ash looked surprised and stepped towards me, her gorgeous burgundy nightgown clinging to her taut frame. She had always been very slender, and I had envied that the way she had envied my curves. My hair hung in my eyes when I looked up at her.
“Hey, Jenny. What’s going on, you’re soaking wet! Are you okay? Come on, come inside.” I picked up my bag and walked inside.
“Ash, you need to stop just opening the door in your slip before you know who it is.” I nagged, as I set down my bag. “There are a lot of freaks in this city,” I paused, looking down at the water trail I had made. “Shit, I’m sorry,” I mumbled.
She waved my comment away as she closed the door, locking it.
“What’s going on? Did you and Elliot have a fight? You didn’t cheat on him, did you?”
“No. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. It’s over. I can’t do it anymore…” I trailed off. I heard Joe shout from the stairway.
“Is everything okay, babe? Is that Jenny I hear?”
“Hey, Joe,” I said, suddenly exhausted again. Ash saw my fatigue and led me to the kitchen. “I’ll make us some tea. Joe?” She called out of the kitchen, “could you grab a towel for Jenny? And that big, plush robe in the closet?” She turned back to me and motioned to a kitchen chair. We were both silent as she bustled around the kitchen, taking three cups from the cabinet and preparing loose tea in a strainer. Joe walked in a few minutes later, handing me the towel and robe. I walked into the bathroom beside the kitchen and stripped off my wet clothes. I looked in the mirror. I looked like a drowned cat, but I somehow looked stronger. I stood up straight, cloaking the robe over my naked body. I tied it tightly and walked back into the kitchen. Joe and Ashley had been whispering to each other, stopping when they heard me sit down.
Ashley sat next to me, placing the steaming cup in front of me. She looked concerned, and I felt overwhelming gratitude for the way that she stayed silent u
ntil I was ready to talk. I ran my fingers through my hair.
“I couldn’t do it anymore, Ash. I tried to tell him that I wasn’t going to stay with someone who didn’t want the same things that I did, who didn’t want a family. I’m almost 34, that’s not unreasonable, is it?” I searched her face desperately for confirmation.
“No, it’s not. You can’t help wanting what you want, Jenny. And no one, no matter how much you don’t want to admit it, should get in the way of that.” Joe nodded his approval of this and squeezed her shoulder before exiting for the bedroom.
“I’m sorry that I came so late, I didn’t mean to bother you two, I just didn’t know where else to go.” She shook her head.
“Nonsense. You’re my best friend. You’re never a bother, Jen. Stay here as long as you need to. The guest room is finished, and I can help you get anything you need from your--from the house.” I leaned over and rested my head on the table. She pat my head.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. There’s nothing left to talk about, I guess. You’ve heard it all before. I just need to sleep, I think. Although, he did tell me that if I left, it would mean that I was turning into my mother.”
Ashley suddenly looked enraged.
“That asshole. I can’t believe he stooped that low. I mean, I know the guy’s hurt, but that’s just uncalled for. If anything, you wanting to settle down makes you even less like your mother. What a child.” I let her fume, before pulling her in for a tight hug.
“Thank you, Ash. You’re a lifesaver.”
“Anytime.”
***
I called Nancy the next morning, explaining that Elliot and I had broken up, and I needed a day off to clear my head. To my surprise, she didn’t argue; she would be the one to take care of my lessons for the day. I thanked her in earnest before I hung up and spent the morning unpacking the suitcase I had brought and then relaxing.
Luis’ words were ringing in my head that night when I settled in to go to sleep. “Maybe there’s a reason.”
I sat up, aggravated by my own brain. A reason. Before I knew it, I had gotten my clothes back on and I was in my car, driving to his house. My breath came quickly as I pulled into his driveway, shutting off the engine quickly. I sucked in as I got out of the car and raced to his front door. I knocked. My heart was beating in a way that I didn't recognize; I was exhilarated. I saw a shadow brush past the window and the door opened, revealing Luis' surprised face.
"Jenny? What are you doing here?"
I looked up at him, his beautiful eyes reflecting the porch light that was illuminating me.
"Jenny-" I felt his hands move towards my face, but I moved before he could react. I kissed him passionately, fully.
I felt it, again. That feeling that rose deep in my chest the first time he kissed me, danced with me, held me. I felt it rise until I was sure that it must be staining my cheeks with scarlet conviction. He pulled me inside the doorway, shut the door, and softly pushed me against it.
Our mouths were like two hurricanes meeting, A storm that destroyed everything but us. My mind was quiet, for once, as his lips explored mine. He wrapped his arms around me, enveloping me. My hands trembled as I reached for his shirt, tugging on it until he took it off. Those velvet hands maneuvered around my shoulders, sliding the straps from my arms, my dress falling soundlessly to the ground. I felt his hands gracing the small of my back; I gasped a little.
"Jenny, I--" he began, as my hands reached for his belt, unzipping his pants. I kissed him.
"Please, Luis. Please." My eyes were wide, I prayed that he couldn't see the chaos behind them. He let his pants and his underwear slide onto the floor. He stared into my eyes as he unhooked my bra and slid my panties off slowly. I leaned my bare chest against his, my heart beating wildly as the warmth spread all over my body.
He stopped, suddenly.
"Come with me." He took my hand and started leading me into the hallway. Naked, we both tip-toed through the darkened house, the carpet abrasive against my feet. I didn't know where we were going, but I didn't care.
He turned on the light as we stepped into the bathroom. As he wordlessly turned the shower on, I avoided looking into the mirror. He turned to me after a few moments and held out his hand. I took it, and we both stepped into the hot, steaming water.
I felt it wash over my hair, my eyes, my back, as he held me tightly under the stream. I pulled back a little and looked up at him. Water dripping from his now waving hair, he smiled as he dragged his thumb across the corner of my eye. I realized suddenly that my mascara was probably running, and looked down as I tried hastily to wash it away.
I felt his hands again on my face, raising it to his gaze. He looked at me as if I had never looked more beautiful to him, even right then. With my hair hanging in front of my eyes like seaweed and my eyes stained with black, I smiled helplessly.
He pulled me into him and held me tenderly, running his hands through my hair, my face resting just underneath his chin. We stayed like that until the water became cold.
We stepped out and dried ourselves, and I caught my reflection in the mirror by accident. I quickly looked away from the jittery, wry face staring back at me. His hands rested on my shoulders and I looked up, startled. He was right behind me, staring intently. He ran his hands down my arms, to my curving hips, up around my large breasts, my neck.
"Beautiful Jenny." He breathed. I soundlessly choked back tears. He took my hand again, and we worked our way through the darkness, naked, together.
***
Showcase was only a week away, and the studio was buzzing with excitement. I was in the middle of practice with Luis. I didn’t notice anything in the room but his eyes as we fluidly waltzed around the room. After a few minutes, he smiled at me.
“You’ve improved a lot, Jenny. I can tell it’s from all that practicing. Are you excited for showcase?” He led me through a turn as he spoke. Spinning around and facing him again, I smiled and nodded.
I heard Nancy clear her throat from behind us. We came to a graceful stop, and I turned my attention to her.
“Jenny, I wanted to congratulate you on your improvement. I have decided that I want Luis and yourself to perform a dance together for the event.” I stopped smiling and stared at her.
“Seriously? But Luis is a much better dancer than I am, wouldn’t I just hold him back?”
Nancy frowned. “Jenny. Confidence is the key to dance, and please don't question my judgment. I’ve been watching you two all week, and I’ve never seen you dance so seamlessly with any other dancer. If I’m going to introduce my newest teacher in the best light, I am going to do it by pairing her with the best match.” There was a slight sparkle in her eye as she said this, and I realized that she knew what had happened between Luis and myself.
She was a tough-as-nails, power-driven hard-ass, but she had a very keen knack for perception. Without words she was giving me her blessing, that much I knew.
Chapter 12
“NO!” he yelled out of frustration. I flopped down on the ground in exhaustion. We had been at it for five hours now and I still couldn’t get it right. My feet kept crossing, and each time they did I could see him getting more and more upset. He placed himself in position and looked at me. “Get up Jenny, let’s go again.”
“Maybe we should call it a day.” I suggested taking of my shoes and massaging my now throbbing feet. He stopped and stared at me. Apparently calling it a day was not an option.
“If you’re not up to putting the work in that’s necessary to master this dance, then we should just stop now. There’s no point in me teaching you this dance if you are not willing to put the necessary work in to master it.”
I stared at him in bewilderment. Out of all of the days we spent practicing for showcase, I had never seen Luis act this way. He was always calm and patient with me. He seemed to understand that it would take a while before I would be as good of a dancer as he was, but today he was different. All
day he had yelled at me and criticized my movements.
“We’ve been here for five hours,” I reminded him. “Maybe the reason I keep messing up is because I’m tired and my body hurts. If you allow me to get some rest and go over the dance moves, then I’ll be better tomorrow.”
He chuckled. “You think I became the dancer I am today by resting? Hell no! I spent day in and day out learning and mastering new dances, perfecting every move until they were flawless. I wouldn’t rest until I knew for sure I could do the dance backwards.”
