by Joachim Jean
“Take care of yourself and this wonderful lady.”
Eliza hugged her and Weeks, too. Danny shook Jonathan’s hand, then they headed home.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The only obstacle left to getting married was surviving the bachelor parties. Danny’s Kiwanis pals planned his and Jonesy planned one for Eliza. Danny’s happened first.
Danny’s party was scheduled for Friday two weeks before the wedding on the third week in May after final grades were handed in.
The women were told the Kiwanis Hall had been selected as the spot for the men to gather but it seemed some of the men had other plans. Five carloads of men met in the Kiwanis parking lot and kidnapped Danny and Mac. They drove caravan-style out to The Wet Tee Shirt where they took over the entire place for the evening.
The men piled out of cars and scurried like roaches into the strip club before anyone could see who went into the seedy, topless bar. Harry Lawson, Wes Carter and Al Peters were there. So was Sandy Benson, who stayed in the background. Danny and Mac had their blindfolds taken off and as their eyes adjust to the darkness of the bar drinks were slapped down on the small table in front of them. Loud music played, bottles of scotch, bourbon and vodka were open on the bar. Cheap hot hors d’oeuvres were steaming in metal pans on a table next to the bar. There were two bartenders mixing drinks for those who wanted to bother with mixers. Four buxom girls, two blondes, one brunette and the redhead Danny met, came out fully clothed, prepared to do a striptease on the small stage.
“Ever been here before?” Danny asked Mac.
“I used to come Fridays after I got divorced,” Mac admitted, taking a sip of his scotch.
“I thought this would be your first time.” Danny raised his eyebrows in surprise.
“I’m not the goody-goody you think I am. By the way, Callie doesn’t know about that, so let’s keep it that way.”
“Sure, sure. No problem. Here’s to women!” Danny raised his glass, watching the girls take their clothes off.
“I’ve seen better,” Mac commented, starting on his second drink.
“Yeah? Where?” asked Wes Carter.
“At home,” Mac let slip, grimacing instantly with regret.
“Whoa…‘Saint Callie’…from Mac, guys!” Danny said, pointing to his best man.
Danny repeated what Mac said to the guys close by.
Mac turned red.
“Shut up, Danny,” Mac growled, a frown creasing his forehead.
“You said it, buddy, not me. And you would know.”
“Yeah? My wife’s got a bigger ass than anyone here, including you guys,” Al Peters said, pouring himself another drink.
As the drinking continued the Kiwanians got bolder and bolder, some even went up on the stage to bounce their big bellies and dance next to the girls. No one got overly familiar with the girls, but the conversations got raunchier and raunchier. David Cohen sat in the back, reciting dirty limericks with Elvin Maynard, a professor of Shakespeare. Wes Carter hollered for the guys to “take it off”. Mac and Danny sat in the middle of it all.
“You’re banging’ the mother and my Tanner is bangin’ the daughter,” Harry Lawson said to Danny before filling his glass for the fourth time.
“Hey, you shouldn’t say I’m bangin’ Eliza. Not bangin’ when you’re getting married, buddy. She’s going to be my wife…Tanner is sleeping with Sally?”
“Started last summer. They reconnected this week. They’re giving the backseat of my new car a work out.”
Danny went to hit him, but missed.
“Don’t talk about Sally…she’s going to be my step-daughter.” Danny took another swing, but Mac caught his arm in time before he connected with Harry.
“You fixed ‘em up, Danny. No offense, buddy, no offense meant,” Lawson said, backing away.
“Okay, okay. What about Chase and Kaitlyn?” Danny asked, grabbing Harry by his lapels and pulling him closer
“Nah, nothing. Chase is too immature.”
“Does Eliza know about Sally? Does Kaitlyn know about Sally and Tanner?”
“Kaitlyn knows. I doubt Eliza knows.”
“How do you know?”
“I’m missing some condoms. Couldn’t be Chase.”
“Still using condoms?”
“Sometimes…if you want to do it in a different place or something. Mavis can be pretty creative.”
“Awesome, Harry. I thought sex stopped by your age.”
“Screw you, Danny.” Harry laughed.
Finally the music stopped and the girls came out into the audience. They had a couple of drinks with some of the men. The redhead had a drink with Danny.
“Now we’re going to have a male topless contest,” the brunette announced.
“The guy with the best chest gets a free lap dance,” the bigger blonde said.
A couple of skinny guys came forward and one heavyset man, Bull Thomas. But the girls weren’t satisfied.
“Where is the groom? He has to compete in this contest,” the redhead said.
The men all shouted Danny’s name and pushed him forward.
“You,” she said. “Come on, cutie, take it off.”
Danny was drunk and couldn’t handle the buttons, so the redhead unbuttoned his shirt, and threw it in the audience. The guys cheered. The girls admired all the half-naked men. Then the brunette spied someone in the audience.
“Wait! Wait. We have a contender who isn’t up here yet. Mac Caldwell, I see you there.”
Danny looked at Mac, surprised.
“No, no, not me.”
“Come on, Mac. The shirt…the shirt…take it off.”
The men all started hollering and they pushed Mac up on the stage. Danny laughed so hard he cried.
The brunette took his shirt off and threw it into the crowd, Mac was too drunk to stop her.
“More comfortable?”
“Any more candidates?” she asked, looking around. “No? All right. The ladies are the judges here.”
They examined each man and made all sorts of lewd comments about their bodies below as well as above the waist. The contestants were so drunk it was all they could do to stand up and keep staring at the women’s naked breasts.
“It’s a tie! We are awarding two lap dances tonight, one to the groom, Danny Maine,” said the redhead.
“And one to Mac Caldwell,” said the brunette, with a wink to the redhead.
The men cheered. The two blondes began to dance again and all the men were watching their breasts bob up and down and their behinds bump and grind, cheering them on and putting ten dollar bills in their G-strings.
The brunette took Mac into the back room first.
“Hey, Mac, long time, no see,” she said, pushing him into a chair.
“Yah,” he said, trying to focus his eyes in the darkened room.
“Where you been?”
“I’m happily married now, Deena.”
“Too bad…if you change your mind, you can always come back here, married or not. I’ll be waiting for you.” She climbed into his lap, clicked on a small CD player and began her dance. Deena ran her hands up his chest and ground her hips into his groin. She put his hands on her breasts and gyrated away until she got a reaction. She touched his crotch.
“Excuse me, Deena.” He tried to get up.
“Wait, there’s more…”
He pushed her aside and made a dash for the bathroom, where he threw up three times.
Deena made a face and left. Mac cleaned himself up and returned to the big room again. As soon as the guys saw him come out of the back room, they cheered. Mac had no idea why.
“The groom is next!” the redhead declared and pulled Danny into the back.
Danny was hanging on to Mac and dragged him with them to the back room.
“Your buddies have bought a special wedding present for you,” the redhead said.
“Yeah, what?” Danny hung onto a chair and leaned against Mac, trying to stand up.
“Me, baby! Come here. We’ll start with a lap dance, and then you can have whatever you want.”
“No, no. I’d better not.” He knew exactly what she meant.
“Come on, sugar, I’m bought and paid for.”
“I’m getting married. I can’t have sex anymore. No sex.”
“No sex? Who are you marrying?
“I meant no sex with you. Lots of sex with her.”
“TMI,” Mac muttered.
“Only one night, baby, no harm, eh? Sit back and have fun, you’re in good hands with me.”
She pushed him into the back room and slammed the door shut. Mac was left in the hall, leaning against the wall for support. After a couple of minutes he heard Danny’s voice saying “no, no”, so he pulled himself upright and opened the door.
The redhead was on Danny’s lap and his hands were on her breasts. His belt was unbuckled and his pants were unzipped. He sat back in the chair protesting mildly. The redhead climbed off his lap and turned to Mac.
“What do you want?” she asked Mac.
“He can’t do this. Danny, get dressed,” Mac said, still drunk but able to walk.
Danny tried but he couldn’t find his zipper.
“Aw, come on. I don’t want to refund the money.”
Mac reached into his pocket and peeled off one hundred dollars and handed the bills to her.
“Zip him up,” Mac said to the redhead. “Fasten the belt and you can go.”
When Danny was zipped and fastened the redhead left the room and Mac took his bare arm and pulled him back into the party, stopping in the bathroom first so Danny could throw up.
The men cheered as Danny returned to the main room. They all thought he had sex with the redhead. Danny tried to deny anything happened, but the guys didn’t believe him.
“Yeah, Danny. You didn’t screw her like you didn’t shoot that whack job,” Wes Carter said.
“I didn’t, I didn’t. I almost did, but Mac stopped us.”
“She’s too good for you,” Sandy Benson said, bending over his sixth drink.
“Who, the redhead?” Wes said.
“Eliza Baines,” Sandy said.
“At least I never left her stranded in a parking lot,” Danny shot back.
“Screw you, Maine.”
He looked at Sandy, who had his arms around Danny’s girl, who wanted to screw her, and Danny went crazy. Like a match to gasoline, he blew, lunging at Sandy. Danny got him around the neck and started choking him. Sandy threw a fist at Danny’s temple, forcing him to let go and Sandy began to run. But Danny shook off the blow and went after him with Mac and the rest of the guys from the party chasing him.
Before long a brawl broke out in the parking lot with men punching each other, ducking and falling down, too drunk to have any idea why they were fighting. Dave Williams came by with a couple of squad cars and broke the melee up. Several men were bleeding, including Danny and Mac and were taken to the hospital.
Dave called Callie and Eliza to come pick up their men.
“Since they didn’t destroy any property because the fight took place outside, I’m not going to file any drunk and disorderly charges on Mac and Danny,” Dave said at the hospital. “Take ‘em home.”
Eliza and Callie thanked him. Danny had a cut over his eye, a bruise on his cheek, a cut on his forearm and blood smeared on his chest. Mac had a split lip, a cut that got stitched up on his upper arm, a big bruise on his cheek and blood on his chest too. Both men were bare-chested.
“Where is your shirt, Mac?” Callie asked.
‘What happens at the Kiwanis stays at the Kiwanis,” Mac said, still drunk.
“Danny, where is your shirt?” Eliza asked.
“I don’t know, but what Mac said goes for me, too,” he said, also still drunk.
Callie went over to Dave Williams.
“Where did you pick them up, Dave?”
“At The Wet Tee Shirt.”
“What?”
“Didn’t you know?”
“I didn’t know they were there. If I had known…” she said, her face clouded with anger.
“What were you doing at The Wet Tee Shirt, Danny?”
“What happens at The Wet Tee Shirt stays at The Wet Tee Shirt,” he said, laughing.
“Mac Caldwell, what happened there?” Callie asked anger in her voice.
“What Danny said. I don’t remember.”
“We’ll have to work on reviving your memory,” Callie said in a tight voice.
“Who were you fighting with?”
“I beat the crap out of Sandy Benson,” Danny said with pride.
“Yeah, you messed him up,” Mac said.
“Why?”
“Cause he danced with you, and wanted to screw you.”
Eliza snorted. “That’s ridiculous.”
“He asked for it,” Danny replied.
“Danny, did you have sex with anyone at The Wet Tee Shirt?”
“I don’t think so. Did I, Mac?”
“Did you what?”
“Did I have sex with anyone tonight?”
“I don’t know what you did before the party,” Mac said, laughing.
“At the Wet Tee Shirt. Did I have sex with anyone at The Wet Tee Shirt?”
“No.”
“Okay. Thanks. No, Eliza. I didn’t have sex with anyone there.”
“What about you, Mac?”
“What about me?”
“Did you have sex with anyone tonight?”
“Callie,” Mac said, laughing.
“Mac Caldwell, you know what I mean. Did you have sex with anyone at The Wet Tee Shirt?”
“Why would I? I wasn’t the groom.”
Both women looked at Danny, who giggled to himself.
“Why don’t you have a shirt on, Mac?”
“I don’t remember. Some kind of contest or something. Someone took my shirt and threw it somewhere.”
“Who? Who did that?”
“One of the girls, maybe.”
“What girls?”
“The strippers at The Wet Tee Shirt, who do you, think?”
“How many were there?”
“Name, rank and serial number, Mac.”
“What?”
“That’s all you’re supposed to say when you’ve been captured by the enemy.”
Mac looked up at Callie and smiled.
“How many, Mac?” Callie pressed.
“Name, rank and serial number, Callie,”
Danny cracked up and fell out of his chair onto the floor.
“No, no, Mac. Give her your name, rank and serial number, you don’t say name, rank and serial number.”
“But I don’t have a rank and serial number.”
“You’re a dean, that’s your rank, and you have a social security number.”
“I don’t remember my social security number.”
“You two are hopeless,” Callie said.
“They’re drunk. Perhaps we can get more out of them in the morning.”
They each took their man and headed to the parking lot.
“A night to remember, man,” Danny said.
“I wish I could remember,” Mac said.
“Me, too. Great party.”
“This party will live in history.”
“With you two and the police department, too,” Callie said.
* * * *
Mac and Danny were hung over the next day. Callie behaved coolly to Mac as she suspected he withheld information about the party. Eliza questioned Danny four more times trying to get to the truth about the bachelor party.
In the afternoon Mac and Callie went over to Eliza and Danny’s house. While the children were playing “dog hunt” trying to find Rocky and Blue, Mac and Danny went down to the basement to play pool. They talked privately, comparing what they remembered, getting their stories straight.
While the guys were trading facts, the women were planning their own strategy. Callie followed Eliza into the bedroom, anxious to get
her friend alone to find out if she had learned anything more about the bachelor party.
“Let’s go in the bedroom, I need to lie down,” Eliza said.
“Are you sick?”
“Just a little tired and kind of queasy.” Callie pulled up a chair to the bed and put her feet up. Kitty came in and climbed into her mother’s lap. Callie stroked her hair as the child drifted off to sleep.
“What did our men do at the party?”
“I don’t know what to think. Them coming home without shirts and strippers being there. Callie, do you think it’s infidelity if Danny had a quickie with a stripper when he was too drunk to remember?”
“I don’t know. Don’t you have to remember to be unfaithful?” she asked, laughing.
Eliza started to laugh, too, and then she got up and went into the bathroom and threw up.
“What did you eat today?”
“Only the usual stuff.” Her face paled to a ghostly white.
“Maybe you should go to the doctor, Lize.”
“I have an appointment Monday. Please don’t tell Danny. I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“I’m going to ask Mac point blank what went on. He has a hard time lying to me. There is something he’s keeping from me, I’m sure. I have an intuition about him. I can ferret out what he doesn’t want to tell me.”
Callie put the sleeping Kitty on the bed next to Eliza and tiptoed down to the basement, hoping to overhear some information about the bachelor party. She leaped down the last steps, scaring the two men. Jason hung around with the men down there, too.
“Good one, Mom. You got ‘em,” Jason said.
“Callie!” Mac yelled his face pale.
“Trying to scare you first for a change.”
“And trying to listen in, aren’t you, you little schemer,” Danny said.
“Ah, you know me too well!” she replied. “Kitty and Eliza are napping.”
In an hour, Callie and Mac went home to dinner and to get the kids ready for bed. Eliza and Danny stretched out on the sofa after he made tea for her.
“Have a drink, Professor?”
“No, no, I’ve had enough to last me a year.” He made a face at the thought of liquor.
“So while we’re here and you’re sober, what actually happened last night?”
