by Lux Zakari
@ 2013-01-12 15:16:11
Venora Baby 3.0!
E.Y.: I’m sure you’ve heard by now that James Venora and Greer have completed another successful impregnation and are going to have Kid Number Three.
CLAUDIA: I did hear. My first reaction was that Greer’s actually in love with her OB-GYN, and she keeps getting pregnant so she can go back and see him. I refuse to believe it’s because she actually likes that clown she’s married to.
E.Y.: People are all over this nonsense, like it isn’t the same ol’ song and dance. There’s nothing really to say about it, aside from, “Oh, another one.” We didn’t actually expect them to stop crankin’ ‘em out, did we? Especially since they reunited and seem more obsessed with each other than they were when they first met. I’m not surprised at all. There’s even some video of James and Greer on People’s website, talking about their new bundle of doom that’s on the way. I haven’t seen it yet, but according to comments in the Venora community, James has never looked happier. And someone was even like, “I never knew Greer was so cute and funny!” Funny? I need to know what was said. I need a transcript.
CLAUDIA: I want to know what she did that was so hilarious. I hope the video shows her yukkin’ it up, giving James the ol’ elbow in the rib, and wearing a clown wig. Maybe she throws a banana cream pie in his face, or gets all flustered when she’s working in a chocolate factory so she starts gobbling up the candies and hiding them under her hat. This is not what we’re going to see in the People video.
E.Y.: I love picturing Greer as a total cut-up, like tip-toeing up behind people with her knees real high and cracking open cans of peanut brittle with snakes popping out. Or she places buckets of water atop James’ dressing room door so when he opens it, he gets soaked, and Greer jumps out of her hiding spot and goes “Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!” And James is fooled every time but Greer just sprays seltzer water on him and cackles as she runs away.
CLAUDIA: And while Greer is dropping watermelons off the roof like David Letterman, James is going to write some sickening song about the kid in the vein of Scott Stapp. You know it’s going to happen, and you know it’s going to be a piano ballad.
E.Y.: Is it wrong that part of me is sort of looking forward to that? I never thought the day would come where I would willingly subject myself to a James Venora piano ballad, but his current stuff is turning me multiply orgasmic. The first time I heard it, I nearly zoomed through the roof, saw God, et cetera. And the cover of the new album! Who knew Greer had it in her to create something so awesome? I’m stunned.
CLAUDIA: And I’m stunned by how well the album is doing with barely any promotion on James’ part. His attention is actually on signing bands with Venora Records and writing that new single with the guy from The Verdict.
E.Y.: And everyone else’s attention is on James. People even care about his crusade to fight drugs now! I’m downright giddy about all this!
CLAUDIA: If he keeps this up, we’ll have nothing left to make fun of him about.
E.Y.: We’ll have to start a new blog, one about Wade Venora and how it’s high time he does something with his life.
CLAUDIA: Har. Let’s not and say we did.
E.Y.: Let’s go back to the era when people actually used that phrase.
CLAUDIA: Let’s talk about you, your second favorite topic after James Venora. Are you disappointed that there’s no true return to single, cool, and fine, that this story isn’t ending with James signing the divorce papers then crowd-surfing with the help of his horny fan base?
E.Y.: No way, I’m over it. It’s good to see him happy. I’m proud of him for becoming a person who can be proud of himself. This is the true, new era James needs to indulge in, one where he’s married, cool, and fine. Set the trend, James! If anyone can do it, it’s you.
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About Lux Zakari
www.luxzakari.com
When Lux Zakari was thirteen, she had so many BOP posters on her bedroom walls that she had to change her clothes in the bathroom because there were too many eyes on her. Now she’s arguably grownup and works as an editor/librarian somewhere in the Mid-Atlantic, but she’ll always have a soft spot in her heart for bubblegum pop music made by cute boys.
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More from Lux Zakari
Coercion, 2010
Finale, 2011
Secretly More, 2011
Wild Arcana, 2012
