‘Eh, what’s that?’ said Granny. ‘You’ll have to speak up, dear. I’m deaf as a post without me hearing aid.’
‘Would you like some toffee, Granny?’ squeaked the wolf, creeping towards the bed.
‘Toffee?’ replied Granny. ‘Don’t be silly, girl! You know it gets stuck in me dentures.’
The wolf grinned and leaned over the bed.
‘Gracious, girl!’ said Granny, ‘your breath smells of bus conductors! But you’ve certainly got a grand set of teeth!’
‘All the better to eat you with,’ growled the wolf.
‘Oh no!’ said Granny Riding Hood. ‘Not you again!’
Chapter Seven
Silver Bullets
‘Begging your pardon, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop. ‘We’ve carried out your orders.’
‘Good man, Snoop,’ said Inspector Plonker, who was peering down the barrel of a large, black revolver. ‘Every old lady in the city locked up in the cells, eh?’
‘Yes, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop, looking nervously at the gun. ‘They were none too pleased about it either. Most of ’em were on their way to bingo.’
‘Never mind bingo, Snoop,’ said the inspector. ‘The safety of the city is more important than bingo! One of those old ladies is the Wolfgran, and I’m going to keep ’em all here ’till I find out which one.’
‘Yes, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop, standing to attention and clicking his heels together.
‘By the way,’ continued Inspector Plonker, ‘did you get any of ’em to talk yet?’
Sergeant Snoop looked embarrassed. ‘Only about their waterworks, sir.’
‘Their what?’ exclaimed the Inspector.
‘You know, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop, blushing bright red, ‘their plumbing.’
‘What do they think we are, Snoop, sanitary inspectors?’
‘Operations, sir,’ stammered Sergeant Snoop. ‘You know, tubes in their …’
‘Yes, yes, that will do, Snoop,’ said the Inspector hastily. ‘By the way, you know that silver trophy in the canteen?’
‘The trophy I won in the station ping-pong tournament, sir?’
‘That’s the one,’ said the Inspector. ‘Have it melted down immediately. I’ll need some silver bullets for this gun.’
‘Yes, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop, gloomily.
‘Don’t sulk, Snoop,’ said the Inspector sternly. ‘The safety of the city is more important than ping-pong!’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Oh, and Snoop?’
‘Sir?’
‘The minute one of ’em swallows you, come and let me know!’
Chapter Eight
Bedpanned!
The Girl Guide in the red hood crept into Granny Riding Hood’s room in the Happy-ever-after Home. She peered suspiciously at the figure snoring loudly in the bed. It certainly looked like her grandmother (for, of course, the Girl Guide was none other than Little Red Riding Hood). At any rate the creature was wearing her granny’s nightcap and nightdress, but she thought she’d better make sure.
‘Grandmother?’ she whispered softly.
The wolf (who had been sleeping off a bout of indigestion) woke at once and opened his glowing red eyes. ‘Why, granddaughter,’ he said in a shrill, quavery voice, ‘how lovely to see you. Come over and give me a kiss. I hope you’ve brought me some toffee!’
‘Oh, Granny,’ said Little Red Riding Hood, ‘I’m so glad you’re safe. The wolf is in the city, hunting for you. I tried to tell the police, but they just wouldn’t listen!’
‘Never mind that now, dearie,’ quavered the wolf. ‘You just come over here and give your old granny a hug.’
Little Red Riding Hood moved towards the bed.
The wolf reached out for her. He narrowed his eyes, bared his teeth and was just starting to drool when Little Red Riding Hood hit him over the head with the bedpan.
‘But how did you know?’ asked a shocked Nurse Cotton, who had come rushing down the corridor to Granny’s room when Little Red Riding Hood pressed the buzzer. ‘It’s such a marvellous disguise! In fact, the only person who saw through it was The Old Boy Who Cried Wolf.’
Little Red Riding Hood looked over at the wolf, who was lying unconscious in the bed. ‘It was quite simple really,’ she replied. ‘My Granny is blind as a bat without her spectacles, deaf as a post without her hearing aid, and can’t eat toffee because of her false teeth. As you can see, her hearing aid and spectacles are still on the bedside table. Yet, the wolf heardmewhen I whispered, recognised me as soon as he opened his eyes – even though I was standing by the door – and the first thing he asked me for was toffee.’
‘Brilliant!’ said Nurse Cotton admiringly.
‘Besides,’ continued Little Red Riding Hood, ‘I know for a fact that Granny doesn’t have one of those!’ And she pointed to the end of the bed where, sticking out from underneath the covers, was the wolf’s long, shaggy tail!
‘But what has happened to your granny?’ asked Nurse Cotton.
‘Oh, he’s swallowed her, I expect,’ said Little Red Riding Hood cheerfully.
‘Oh my, how awful!’ exclaimed the nurse.
‘He’s swallowed your matron too, I should think,’ Little Red Riding Hood went on, ‘and he swallowed Group Captain Frobisher, a ticket inspector, and ever so many policemen!’
‘But what can we do?’ wailed Nurse Cotton in despair.
‘You forget that he’s a fairy-tale wolf,’ said Little Red Riding Hood. ‘They’re all quite safe. All you have to do is cut him open and out they’ll pop.’
‘Cut him open?’ Nurse Cotton shrieked in horror.
‘Don’t worry,’ grinned Little Red Riding Hood, ‘he’s used to it. Have you got a scissors?’
Chapter Nine
‘Freeze!’
‘Excuse me, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop.
‘What is it now, Snoop?’ said Chief Inspector Plonker, who was busily loading his revolver with silver bullets. ‘They can’t all want to go again. They’ve only just been.’
‘It’s not that, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop, looking at the bullets and thinking sadly of his ping-pong trophy. ‘PC Pimple’s on the radio.’
‘PC Pimple?’ exclaimed the Inspector. ‘I thought he’d been swallowed!’
‘It seems he’s been regurgitated, sir.’
‘Can’t say I’m surprised,’ said Inspector Plonker. ‘I could never stomach the fellow myself. What does he want?’
‘He says they’ve captured the Wolfgran, sir,’ said sergeant Snoop. ‘She’s at the Happy-ever-after Home, apparently.’
‘Right,’ said the Inspector, leaping to his feet and shoving the loaded revolver into his pocket. ‘Come on, Snoop, duty calls!’
‘I’m not staying in this place another minute,’ said Granny Riding Hood, hurrying down the steps of the Happy-ever-after Home, hand-in-hand with her granddaughter. ‘I’ll be safer in me cottage. And at least I won’t have that matron trying to poison me with medicine every night.’
‘Freeze!’ yelled Inspector Plonker, leaping out of the darkness brandishing his revolver. ‘Not you, you idiots!’ he added, as PCs Pimple, Bloggs, Purvis, Wilks, Perkins and Briggs (who had been on their way back to the station for a refreshing cup of tea) all sprang to attention with their hands up.
‘What’s that man saying, dear?’ said Granny to Little Red Riding Hood.
‘I think he wants you to freeze, Grandma,’ Little Red Riding Hood replied.
‘Oh, he does, does he?’ said Granny. ‘Well, he needn’t think I’m taking off me nice warm coat in this weather!’
‘Silence, you fiendish … er … fiend!’ screamed Inspector Plonker. ‘Another word out of you and I’ll drill you full of lead … er … I mean, silver!’
‘How dare you speak to this nice old lady like that!’ cried Group Captain Frobisher, who had just come through the door with Matron and the ticket inspector. ‘It’s easy to see you were never a Girl Guide.’
‘This nice old lady, as
you call her, is a werewolf,’ said Inspector Plonker. ‘Now stand back while I blast her!’
‘You will do no such thing,’ said Matron sternly. ‘This lady is a resident of mine and I will not have my residents massacred on the premises by deranged policemen. It gives the home a bad name.’
‘You’re telling me this isn’t the Wolfgran?’ said Inspector Plonker.
‘The creature to whom you refer,’ replied Matron coldly, ‘is at present in the room at the end of the corridor. He is recovering from a serious operation performed by this remarkable little girl.’
‘Good show, Riding Hood,’ said Group Captain Frobisher. ‘I’ll see you get your first-aid badge for this.’
‘He tried to use a stolen bus pass, you know,’ said the ticket inspector. ‘That’s a criminal offence, that is!’
‘Right,’ said Inspector Plonker. ‘Follow me, Snoop!’
He rushed down the corridor, with Sergeant Snoop and Little Red Riding Hood hard on his heels, and burst into Granny Riding Hood’s room. But the rumpled bed was empty, and the curtains were flapping in a breeze that blew through the open window.
‘Escaped!’ said Chief Inspector Plonker. ‘This kind of thing never happens on The Hex Files.’
‘He must have sneaked out the window while we were outside,’ said Little Red Riding Hood. ‘He’ll be back in the forest by now.’
‘Nonsense,’ said Inspector Plonker grimly. ‘As far as I’m concerned, the Wolfgran is still at large in this city, and I will hunt her down if it takes the rest of my life! Right, Snoop?’
‘Yes, sir,’ said Sergeant Snoop, rolling his eyes up to heaven.
Chapter Ten
Scary Old Ladies
Thanks to Chief Inspector Plonker, who held a press conference on the steps of the Happy-ever-after Home that very night, the people of the city were soon convinced that a werewolf, disguised as a harmless old lady, was on the loose in their midst.
As a result, old ladies found that people were a lot more willing to give up their seats to them on buses, and nobody ever objected when they skipped the queue in supermarkets, or spent half an hour counting their pensions at crowded post-office counters. Of course, people also stopped helping them across busy roads. But, since every car, bus, bicycle and lorry immediately screeched to a halt, or sped off in the opposite direction, if an old lady so much as appeared on the pavement, they found they didn’t need that kind of help any more.
As for Granny Riding Hood, she returned to the forest and managed to buy her cottage back from the Three Little Pigs. The wolf had decided that dressing up as a little old lady was far too dangerous, so she didn’t have to worry about him any more. However, as the Three Little Pigs had small brains and short memories, they immediately spent all their money on straw, used it to build an enormous block of flats and invited all their relatives to come and live with them.
So, in the end, the wolf was never short of something to eat, and he soon found that pork was much easier on the digestion than policemen.
The Wolfgran:
Who’s Who
Granny Riding Hood
Granny Riding Hood, as we all know, lived happily in her little cottage in the forest until the day the wolf showed up on her doorstep, pretending to be her granddaughter. Nobody is really sure what happened after that. Granny always said that the wolf was so hungry he swallowed her whole, without even chewing. But, as she also said his stomach was full of old clothes and mothballs, it’s possible that he just stuffed her into the wardrobe instead. (Old ladies often get confused about that kind of thing!)
Little Red Riding Hood
What we do know for sure is that, once he had disposed of Granny, the wolf put on her nightie and hopped into her bed to wait for Little Red Riding Hood, who arrived soon afterwards. It must have been pretty dark in that cottage because, at first, Little Red Riding Hood actually thought that the huge hairy beast growling at her from the bed really was her grandmother. In fact she didn’t start getting suspicious until the wolf tried to eat her, and even then she thought it was only Granny having one of her funny turns. Luckily a passing woodcutter, who saw her desperately trying to persuade the slavering wolf to go back to bed and finish his Ovaltine, came rushing to the rescue.
The Wolf
Now, have you ever wondered how anybody could mistake a wolf for their granny, granddaughter or indeed any other member of the family? Of course, as we’ve already said, old ladies sometimes get confused, but even Granny must have known the difference between a little girl and a big, ferocious animal. As for Little Red Riding Hood, if you were out walking all alone along a dark forest path and a wolf came slinking out of the shadows and asked where you were going, would you tell him? I didn’t think so! So why weren’t Granny and Little Red Riding Hood more cautious when it came to wolves?
The Old Boy Who Cried Wolf
Well, it was all the fault of The Old Boy Who Cried Wolf. He was a practical joker, who only knew one joke. He spent all his time trying to convince people that there was a wolf about. When he wasn’t yelling ‘Wolf! Wolf! Run for your lives!’ and then laughing his head off as everybody started climbing trees and hiding under beds, he was howling like a wolf outside people’s windows and growling like a wolf outside their doors. In the end, everybody got so sick of him and his tricks that they gave up believing there were any real wolves in the forest at all. This meant that when the wolf actually did come calling, people just laughed and said things like, ‘Oh yeah, very funny! You don’t think I’m going to fall for that one again, do you?’ Sometimes they even said, ‘Take that silly mask off, for goodness’ sake!’ and started pulling his ears! The wolf found this a bit odd, but, as it made his dinners much easier to come by, he wasn’t complaining!
The Three Little Pigs
In fact, the only people in the forest who seemed to take the wolf at all seriously were the Three Little Pigs. The Three Little Pigs were building contractors and, whenever one of the houses they built was blown down by the wind (which seemed to happen pretty often), they always blamed the wolf. ‘That old rogue,’ they would say, shaking their heads as they looked at the ruins, ‘He’s been out huffing and puffing again!’ When a customer suggested that maybe the houses blew down because they were only built of sticks and straw, the three pigs would take out their calculators and say, ‘Oh, you wanted a wolf-proof house did you? You should have said. Well, now, that’ll cost extra, you know!’ They would then charge the poor customer twice as much as before for the proper house of bricks that they should have built in the first place!
So it seems that the wolf is the cause of all the trouble in the forest, mainly because he is always trying to eat somebody! But he has a pretty hard time trying to get a decent meal. He may well have swallowed Granny, but he certainly didn’t have time to digest her (Ugh!). He never got his paws on Little Red Riding Hood or the Three Little Pigs and, if you believe the stories, some really horrible things happened to him while he was after them. (I don’t want to go into all that here, but just imagine how you’d feel if somebody sewed a lot of rocks into your stomach and dropped you down a well! Or how would you like falling down a chimney into a cauldron of boiling soup?) Despite everything, it seems that the old villain is still on the prowl and, let’s face it, by now he must be pretty cross and very, very hungry indeed!
About the Author
Finbar O’Connor is a graduate of Trinity College and King’s Inns, Dublin. Having spent years working as a librarian in his native Drumcondra, he is now a practising barrister. He is the author of Wolfgran Returns!, the sequel to Wolfgran. He has also published songs, stories and poetry. He lives in Drumcondra with his wife and two daughters.
Copyright
This eBook edition first published 2012 by The O’Brien Press Ltd,
12 Terenure Road East, Rathgar, Dublin 6, Ireland
Tel: +353 1 4923333; Fax: +353 1 4922777
E-mail: [email protected]
Website: www.obrien.ie
First published 2001
eBook ISBN: 978–1–84717–496–3
Copyright for text © Finbar O’Connor
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© The O’Brien Press Ltd.
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British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
O’Connor, Finbar
Wolfgran. - (Red flag ; 8)
1.Children’s stories
I.Title II.Fagan, Martin
823.9’14[J]
The O’Brien Press receives assistance from
Illustrations: Martin Fagan
Typesetting and layout: The O’Brien Press Ltd
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