Perry felt a cold dread creeping over him and a stab of rage. There was always a threat hanging over him; everything he had struggled to create for himself could be swept away in an instant. He told himself that a stranger called Mrs. Dillingham couldn’t hurt him, but he felt the fragile structure of his life being shaken.
“I know roughly,” he said with deadly calm. “It’s a boy that a guy uses for sex. I guess you’re mine.”
“Yes. I wanted to tell her so. I’m proud of being your lover, your catamite, if that’s what I am. She tried to have us put at another table, but there aren’t any, thank God. I want to stay where I am, close to you. She warned me not to get too friendly with you.”
“She’s a bit late,” Perry said with icy satisfaction while rage boiled up in him. He’d kill the damn woman. How dare she make a scene with the ship’s staff about passengers who had as much right to be here as she had? How many others were talking about Billy and his catamite? The threat was there — vague, shapeless but real, capable of exposing him as an outcast. A male whore. An unmentionable. Rage seethed in him. His grip tightened on the boy’s arms. He wasn’t a threat. Timmy belonged to him. Timmy’s eyes pleaded with him again. The devotion in them calmed his rage.
“Please. I had to tell you so you’d understand if I act sort of peculiar. I’ll have to nod at you sort of as if I hardly know you. I mustn’t meet Mr. Vernon. Please don’t pay any attention to her. I belong to you. Nothing can change that even if you don’t want me.”
“I do, baby. I adore you. There. I’ve never said that to anybody. I want to put my arms around you and kiss you for an hour. Meet me on the deck after lunch. I’ll wait near where we were last night, okay? Let’s go have lunch. I can’t wait for you to nod at me as if you hardly knew me.”
“You go first. You’re so wonderful.”
Perry joined Billy, wondering if this was really the way it felt to be in love. It was certainly different. He couldn’t stop thinking about the boy, the way it felt to have him close and look at him. When they were together, nothing could threaten him; Timmy was uniquely his own. His sweetness was a deep, warm comfort that he wanted with him always, something no one else had ever offered him.
“Did you speak to Elsa when you came in?” Billy asked.
“No. I guess I didn’t see her.”
“You have wonderfully selective vision. I fixed up a bridge game with her for tomorrow afternoon if that’s all right with you.”
“Fine.” He supposed he’d have to take a break every now and then from making love with Timmy. “I could kill you for telling her I was a good player. I’ll probably do everything wrong.”
“I doubt it. The baroness knows what she’s talking about when she says you’re good. Elsa’s a fiend, but she’s not as good as she thinks she is. That about sums up Elsa.”
Timmy came in and sat a few feet away from him. They nodded distantly, but Perry took advantage of having his mother’s back to him to wink at Timmy. He saw him struggling to keep his expression fixed. He thought of the boy’s blushes at dinner last night. A lot had happened since then.
At Billy’s urging, Perry ordered the smoked salmon and made a feast of it. “Now I’m going to be paralyzed trying to decide between the caviar and the smoked salmon,” Perry said.
Billy beamed. “Have lots of both. They’re both expensive. Wake me up if I doze off. I hope by tomorrow I’ll be able to keep my eyes open for a bridge game. When am I going to meet the shipboard romance?”
“I’ll explain later. That’s his mother. You’ve hit a snag with her.”
“Trying to protect his virtue, is she? Poor misguided woman, with you on the loose.”
“He said something of the same sort. She hasn’t noticed yet that he’s tossed his virtue overboard.”
Perry was glad he could talk about it lightly. The rage still trembled in him, but at least Billy didn’t seem upset. May be it happened often. Perry had the impression that Billy wasn’t accepted everywhere. Not even money was enough — a sobering thought.
When Timmy offered an arm to his mother and left without a glance at him, Perry leaned across the table. “Now I can explain. His mother’s forbidden him to meet you because of talk about boys. She hasn’t got a very high opinion of me either. He’s furious with her, but he isn’t in a hurry for her to know that he’s the same way.”
“Of course not. It’s something one avoids as long as possible. It takes time to adjust to it. Most people never do, particularly in the States.”
“Would you mind meeting him even if he doesn’t speak to you in public?”
Billy studied him for some seconds, looking baffled at first, and then his expression softened with delight and pride. Perry thought he even detected a gleam of love in his eyes. “What a remarkable young man you are. A real gentleman. Such tact and kindness. Of course I’d love to meet him. We can’t blame him for his mother. No more than we can really blame her, no matter how foolish she is for thinking she can protect her boy.” Billy sighed and smiled. “I’m still stunned by my shrewd instinct about you. Thank you, dearest boy.”
Perry was touched. It felt good to do the right thing when it was appreciated. “That’s wonderful. I’d like to bring him by for a drink in your cabin before dinner. He thinks he’s fallen head over heels in love with me. I must say it’s a very pleasant feeling. I haven’t gone into any big explanations about us. There hasn’t been time even if I thought there was any need to. He assumes I have my own money. I guess that’s sort of dishonest, but for the rest he can draw his own conclusions. Okay?”
“That’s exactly the way I would want it. I’m in good hands, my dearest boy. I’ve never been so happy. You make living together seem so easy.”
“I think it is. Coffee?”
He wanted to go up on deck. He’d never felt so deprived by being without somebody he wanted. He wanted Timothy even more now that Mrs. Dillingham threatened to keep them apart. To do so, she’d literally have to lock up her son.
Catamite. He could imagine the elegant woman hissing the ugly word into his face. Whore. God deliver him from mothers intent on protecting their sons. He thought of Mrs. Costigan, and his cheeks burned with shame again. “Scum,” she’d spat. “Nothing but a whore.” Mrs. Costigan’s voice still rang in his ears.
When Perry brought the boy to Billy’s suite that evening, Billy was charming to the boy, and Timmy responded sweetly. He told Billy that he’d fallen madly in love, and Billy smiled benignly.
“There’s no earthly reason for being young unless you are in love,” Billy said. “You couldn’t do better than Perry. He’s the most delightful young man I know.”
“We’re thinking of going down to third class tonight,” Timmy said. “Do you want to go?”
“Thank you for suggesting it. I’ve been known to stray among the lower classes, but I think not tonight. You two naughty children go along and enjoy yourselves. I’m having a rest cure, although I haven’t done anything to rest from.”
The hour passed agreeably. “I’ll feel awful pretending I don’t know you,” Timmy said to Billy when it was time to dress for dinner with his mother. “Please forgive me.”
“Don’t worry about it. When your mother learns about you, she’ll undoubtedly have second thoughts about homosexuality.”
“I hope she never finds out.”
“You might mind less as time goes by. It’s a frightful strain leading a double life.”
“I guess you’re right. This is the first time I’ve had anything much to hide —just crushes at school. I thought they might turn out to be like everybody else’s crushes — you know, just go away.”
“It takes only one love affair to be sure. Your mother will find out that it isn’t something she can prevent. I have a child myself, not much younger than you are. People have the right to be happy if they’re not doing anybody any harm.”
They both looked at Perry. “It’s time for a dutiful son to go make his mother happy,” he said. “I’ll be right back,
Billy. I’m all clean. I just have to change.”
Perry dressed and returned to Billy, who had changed and was waiting for drinks.
“My word, how handsome you are,” Billy exclaimed in greeting. “Your boyfriend will swoon when he sees you. He’s a sweet young thing. I love the way he looks at you. He’s quite mad about you. He’d better be careful if he doesn’t want his mother to know.”
“He’s doing his best to convert me to homosexuality.”
“He’s beautiful enough to succeed. We were invited to have our meals at the captain’s table. I refused. There’s nothing more deadly. Have you looked at the passenger list? I don’t know a soul aboard but Elsa and Dickie.”
“And Timothy Dillingham if he’s there. I haven’t had a chance to really look.”
“Our faithful George insists that ‘Claire Smith’ is really Joan Crawford. She’d better put in an appearance soon while there’s still a chance to save you for the opposite sex. Shall we have a drink in the bar before dinner?”
“Whenever you say.”
He and Billy fell in with Elsa Maxwell and her companion, Dickie Gordon, as they were all leaving the dining room, and they went together to the grand ballroom, where they found a table beside the floor. The orchestra was playing a Noel Coward song. If they were crossing the Atlantic Ocean, nobody could feel it here. Perry had to remind himself that he was on a boat.
He looked around for Timmy and spotted him on the other side of the room. They were together. A warm glow of contentment seemed to suffuse his whole being. The world was a wonderful place.
“They’ll probably have English music-hall entertainers,” Elsa said. “They’re usually ghastly, but we won’t stay long anyway.”
“I’m not going to be up late, not if I expect to stay awake for our bridge game tomorrow,” Billy said. “I’ve gone into my transatlantic hibernation.”
“Billy told you we’re counting on you, Mr. Langham?”
“Yes. That’s fine with me, but he told you I was a good player too. I don’t know where he got that idea. You’ll have to make the best of me. What are we going to drink?” He figured that since Billy was going to pay for it anyway, he might as well get the credit for offering.
A waiter arrived to take their order. They all turned down Perry’s suggestion of champagne and had brandy instead. There were only a few couples on the dance floor, so he didn’t feel that it was necessary to ask the ladies to dance. He’d look pretty silly pushing tubby Miss Maxwell around.
He took a peek at his watch when the brandy was served. Almost 10:30. He should be able to escape in time for his date with Timmy.
Elsa Maxwell talked, dropping names like rain from an umbrella. She was in charge of everything. Perry was impressed but restless. He noticed people glancing at her and enjoyed feeling like a member of an elite inner circle, but he wanted to be with Timmy.
As soon as Miss Maxwell picked up her purse and showed signs of being ready to go, Perry signaled to the waiter and signed for the drinks. They all told each other they were looking forward to the bridge game as they parted. Perry glanced across the room and saw that Timmy had left, and then he walked with Billy to his door.
“You have a date with your sweet blond?” Billy asked. “I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourselves.” He looked serenely approving as he smiled a good night and let himself in.
Perry and Timmy didn’t stay long in third class. Their eagerness for each other made everything else seem dull. Perry was discovering that in Timmy’s case, at least, a refined background didn’t change anything much. Desire was desire.
Perry was disarmed by the boy’s passion. Timothy was incapable of judging him coldly. Even if Perry were to admit that Timmy’s mother was right about him, Timmy would find excuses for him. He had won the boy’s unquestioning devotion. Timmy gave himself over to his worship of coveted flesh with a long, moaning sigh. Perry’s possession of him had just begun.
At dawn the two lovers made a date for 5:30 that afternoon, giving Perry time for the bridge game.
Perry drew Elsa as a partner, and they won fifteen dollars, which they shared. After every hand she told him all the things he’d done wrong or, when he was dummy, all the mistakes he’d made in bidding, but Perry didn’t let it worry him. It seemed to him that winning was at least as important as doing everything right.
By the third day at sea, he felt as if it were going to go on forever. The sea stretched out vast and featureless around them. The world was a big place.
He put money in the ship’s pool, betting on the mileage they covered every day. He didn’t win, but it was the only way of knowing they were going anywhere, although he couldn’t be sure that they weren’t going around in circles.
There was a boat drill, with passengers lining up on deck with funny-looking life preservers around their necks. It was difficult to imagine a disaster at sea on this enormous, stable ship.
They played bridge again, and Perry and Miss Maxwell continued to win, to Billy’s snappish annoyance. The four of them sat together for horse racing in the ballroom, and Billy won quite handsomely, which put him in a better humor.
Perry and Timmy managed to sit through a couple of movies together without taking each other’s pants off. Countless blissful hours were spent in bed, where Timmy grew more abandonedly enslaved by Perry’s body.
Perry sampled every expensive novelty on the menu, then started in again on his favorites. If this was eternity, it wasn’t a disagreeable fate.
Unbelievably, it came to an end. A ship’s concert was scheduled for the last night; Perry asked Billy if he would mind skipping it.
“You know more about shipboard romances than I do, Billy, but I don’t want to be washed overboard by a flood of tears,” he explained. “Timothy will probably want to spend our last time alone together.”
“Of course, my dearest boy. You’ve handled the affair perfectly. I haven’t felt for an instant that storms of passion were about to break over me. He’s debarking at Cherbourg, isn’t he? That’ll give you time to dry off before we get to Southampton.”
Perry didn’t want to joke about it. He was feeling a little tearful himself. Timmy remained remarkably cheerful until they were in bed together that afternoon. Then they both broke down and sobbed.
They didn’t waste any of their last hours together on sleep. They were as insatiable as they claimed to be and ignored the hour.
The fading dark and the increased activity on deck told them that the time was approaching for Timmy to join his mother for debarkation. They were so dazed with sex and sleeplessness that they hardly felt the wrench of parting.
They dressed together, Perry for another day on board, and stood at the door, gripping each other’s hands and feasting their mouths on each other once more.
When Perry let them out, it was like an ordinary interruption in their day’s routine together. He ran his hand through Timmy’s golden hair for the last time and gave him a little parting push toward his cabin. The excitement of arrival was beginning to crowd all other thoughts from Perry’s befuddled brain.
When he stepped out on deck, he thought they were still surrounded by the limitless sea. Slowly, however, in the gray early morning light he began to make out dim shapes of land. His heart gave a leap. They had crossed the Atlantic. This was Europe. He was here!
He made a circuit of the deck, taking it all in, while the sky brightened rapidly. He missed Timmy’s being there to share the thrill of it, but it was about time for him to get used to being on his own again.
A life in which Timmy would be a permanent feature had its appeal, but everything about the idea of settling down with a male lover was so far-fetched that he couldn’t take it seriously. Missing Timmy might hurt for a few days, but Perry would get over it.
They were in quite close to land as the sun rose over it, smooth green hills and cliffs unlike any land he’d ever seen, indefinably foreign-looking. France. He would be back to really see it in a week. They were gliding
toward a big port, very neat and tidy-looking compared to the sprawling industrial chaos of New York.
He saw passengers gathering to debark and avoided the area. He didn’t want to subject either of them to the strain of seeing each other again in front of Mrs. Dillingham.
Officials conferred together, speaking French. He was amazed to hear people speaking a foreign language as if it were the natural thing to do and realized for the first time that he had left home. He was going to be a foreigner now.
He watched the great ship being tied up and the gangplank hauled into place. He saw a golden head swallowed up by the debarking crowd and wanted him back. He felt frighteningly alone as he listened to the babble of French around him and despaired of ever mastering the incomprehensible sounds.
When he saw preparations being made for departure, he went in and found Billy waiting in the sitting room with a drink for him. He was a comforting presence.
“We’re here, Billy. I’ve been up since dawn getting us in and out of port safely. It’s all so exciting.”
“You make it so, dearest boy. You must need that drink.”
“God yes. This one and another. I’m feeling slightly delicate.”
“Are you going to miss that sweet boy?”
“Yes.” He looked at Billy soberly, not wanting it to be turned into a joke. “I’ve always had things with guys, of course, but never anything like that. I guess I’m a little more queer than I thought, you’ll be pleased to hear.”
“I’m delighted. There will be others. I have a tendency to forget how young you are. All your adult experience is just beginning. I’ll be fascinated to watch you develop.” Billy drew a small sheaf of bank notes from his pocket and held it out. “Those are pounds. I thought you might need a little time to get used to them. That’s enough for your cabin stewards. You can leave the envelopes for them. I’ll take care of the men in the dining room for both of us if you wish. We’ll be in soon after lunch. We should be in London by tea time, as the English insist on calling it. I loathe tea. It interferes with a civilized drink.”
“You might as well tell me we’ll be on the moon by tea time, Billy. London. My God. When I was working as a travel agent, London was the place where I wanted to go most.”
The Good Life Page 15
