by Meg Cabot
Contents
Dedication
THE NEW YORK JOURNAL
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Books by Meg Cabot
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
For Benjamin
THE NEW YORK JOURNAL
New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper
Kathleen A. Mackenzie
Personnel Representative
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6891
Ida D. Lopez
Craft Food Services
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
Dear Mrs. Lopez:
Last week, we met to address your continuing job-performance problems related to the giving out of dissemination of serving of items from the dessert cart you operate in the newspaper’s senior staff dining room. These problems have persisted despite repeated counseling sessions with me my boss Amy Jenkins supervisors as well as staff training programs. Specifically, your refusal to give disseminate serve dessert to certain members of the senior staff has resulted in several written complaints from administrators at this establishment paper company.
Mrs. Lopez, your refusal to serve dessert to certain members of the paper’s staff is disruptive to food service operations, and the explanations that you have provided for your behavior are not satisfactory wholly believable inexplicable acceptable. This letter is being issued as a written warning with the expectation that there will be an immediate and sustained improvement in your work attitude food service dissemination job performance. Failure to comply will result in further disciplinary action.
On a more personal note, Mrs. Lopez, please stop refusing to give senior staff members dessert, even if you feel, as you explained to me last week, that they don’t “deserve it.” Which members of the paper’s staff do or do not deserve dessert is not your decision to make! And I would hate to see you asked to leave the food craft services department over something so silly! I would really miss you—and your chocolate chip cookies!
Damn it.
From the Desk of
Kate Mackenzie
* * *
To do:
Laundry!!!!!!!!!
Finish disciplinary warning letter to Ida Lopez.
Pick up prescriptions—Allegra, Imitrex, Levlen.
Get new Almay pressed powder compact.
Find new apartment.
Find new boyfriend.
Get better job.
Get married.
Have successful career.
Have children/grandchildren/big retirement party.
Die in sleep at age 100.
Pick up dry cleaning!!!!!!!!!
Kathleen A. Mackenzie
Personnel Representative, LZ
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6891
[email protected]
Sleaterkinneyfan: What are you doing?
Katydid: WORKING. Stop IM-ing me, you know the T.O.D. doesn’t like it when we IM during office hours.
Sleaterkinneyfan: The T.O.D. can bite me. And you are not working. I can see your desk from here. You’re making another one of those To Do lists, aren’t you?
Katydid: It may look like I’m making a To Do list, but really I am reflecting on the series of failures and bad judgment calls that have made up my life.
Sleaterkinneyfan: Oh my God, you are twenty-five years old. You have not even had a life yet.
Katydid: Then why am I in such mental and emotional anguish?
Sleaterkinneyfan: Because you stayed up too late last night watching Charmed reruns. Don’t try to deny it, I heard you salivating over Cole.
Katydid: Oh my God, I’m so sorry!!!!!!!! Did I keep you and Craig awake?
Sleaterkinneyfan: Please. Craig would sleep through a nuclear blast. And I only heard you because I got up to use the bathroom. These hormones make me have to go every five minutes.
Katydid: I am so, so sorry. I swear I will be off your couch and out of your place just as soon as I get a line on a studio I can afford. Paula’s taking me to look at one tomorrow night in Hoboken. $1100/month, third-floor walk-up.
Sleaterkinneyfan: Would you stop? I told you, we like having you stay with us.
Katydid: Jen, you and Craig are trying to have a BABY. You do not need an old college roommate sacking out on your living room couch while you are trying to procreate. You did enough just getting me this job in the first place.
Sleaterkinneyfan: You more than earn your keep with all the cleaning you do. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. Craig even pointed out this morning that you had dusted the top of the refrigerator. Obsessive much, by the way? Who even looks at the top of the refrigerator?
Katydid: Well, Craig, OBVIOUSLY.
Sleaterkinneyfan: Whatever. You can’t afford $1100/month on your salary. I know how much you make, remember?
Katydid: It’s the cheapest place Paula’s found me so far. That isn’t on the same block as a methadone clinic.
Sleaterkinneyfan: I don’t understand why YOU are the one who had to move out. Why didn’t you kick HIM out?
Katydid: I can’t stay in that apartment. Not with the memories of all the happy times Dale and I shared.
Sleaterkinneyfan: Oh, you mean like all those times you came home from work to find that, like, one of his bandmates had mistaken the closet for the bathroom and peed on your suede boots?
Katydid: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BRING THAT UP AT WORK? You know it always makes me want to cry. I really loved those boots. They were perfect Coach knockoffs.
Sleaterkinneyfan: You should have thrown his stuff out onto the fire escape and changed the locks. “I don’t know if I can marry you after all, I have to take things one day at a time.” I mean, what kind of thing is that for a guy to say?????
Katydid: Um, the kind of thing an ex-pothead who is about to land a million-dollar recording contract would say to the girl he has dated since high school. I mean, come on, Jen. Dale can get anyone now. Why would he stay with his girlfriend from high school?
Sleaterkinneyfan: Oh my God, I swear if it weren’t for the T.O.D. watching me like a hawk for any excuse to can my ass, I’d come over there and slap you. You are the best thing that ever happened to Dale, recording contract or no recording contract, and if he doesn’t know it, he isn’t worth it. Do you understand me, Katie? HE ISN’T WORTH IT.
Katydid: Yes, but then what does that say about ME? I’m the one who went out with him for ten years, after all. TEN YEARS. With a guy who isn’t sure now that he wants to marry me after all. I mean, what does that tell you about my ability to read people? Seriously, Jen, I probably shouldn’t even be allowed to work here. How can I presume to tell my employers who they should and should not hire when I am obviously such a heinous judge of character?
Sleaterkinneyfan: Katie, you are not a heinous judge of character. Your problem is that you—
AmyJenkinsDir: logged on
AmyJenkinsDir: Pardon me for interrupting, ladies, but is there or is there not a departmental ban on Instant Messaging during office hours? Ms. Sadler, please get me the blue form on the new hire in Arts. Miss Mackenzie, I need to see you in my office right away.
Sleaterkinneyfan: logged off
Katydid: logged off
AmyJenkinsDir: logged off
Sleaterkinneyfan: logged on
Katydid: logged on
Sleaterkinneyfan: THE TYRANNICAL OFFICE DESPOT MUST DIE
Katydid: Her home life
must be very unsatisfactory.
Sleaterkinneyfan: logged off
Katydid: logged off
* * *
30’s East Rent Stabilized
A Steal! Studio $1100. No
Fee. Call Ron 718-555-7757
* * *
Yo! It’s Ron. Leave a message.
(Tone)
Um, hi, Ron? Hi, this is Kate, Kate Mackenzie. I’m calling about the apartment. The rent-stabilized studio in the East Thirties? Yeah. Please give me a call about it. I can come to look at it any time. Really. Like in five minutes, if you want. Just, you know. Call me. I’ll be at 212-555-6891 until five, then you can reach me at 212-555-1324. And thanks. Call anytime. Really.
If you sprinkle
When you tinkle
Be a sweetie,
Wipe the seatie!
This message brought to you by
The Human Resources Division of the New York Journal
THE NEW YORK JOURNAL
New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper
Features Division
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
Human Resources Division
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
We, the undersigned, of the Features Department of the New York Journal, are hereby returning this sign, found in the restrooms on our division’s floor. While we realize that this sign is the Human Resources Division’s humorous way of dealing with the complaints of untidiness in the restrooms at 216 W. 57th Street, we find the sign offensive for the following reasons:
We in the Features Department do not “tinkle.” We urinate.
We in the Features Department do not refer to ourselves, or anyone else, as “sweetie.” (exception: Dolly Vargas has on occasion referred to people as sweeties, but not in reference to their hygienic practices)
We in the Features Department do not refer to toilet seats as “seaties.”
A more appropriate step toward maintaining an appropriate standard of cleanliness in our restrooms might be more frequent spot checks by the custodial staff.
Please do not hang signs like these in our restrooms EVER again.
Sincerely,
George Sanchez
Melissa Fuller-Trent
Nadine Wilcock-Salerno
Dolly Vargas
* * *
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Amy’s Toilet Signs
Oh, my God, the Features Dept. returned those signs the T.O.D. made housekeeping hang in all the toilet stalls! Too funny! Want to be there when I tell her? Amy, I mean.
Kate
* * *
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Amy’s Toilet Signs
OF COURSE I want to be there. You know how disappointed she’ll be when she finds out. She says she hung signs like this all through her sorority house, and that the girls loved them. This is gonna be so good. . . .
New York Journal Employee Incident Report
Name/Title of Reporter:
Carl Hopkins, Security Officer
Date/Time of Incident:
Wednesday, 1:30 p.m.
Place of Incident:
NY Journal Senior Staff Dining Room
Persons Involved in Incident:
Stuart Hertzog, legal counsel to the NY Journal, 35
Ida Lopez, Craft Food Services dessert cart operator, NY Journal, 64
Nature of Incident:
S. Hertzog asked I. Lopez for more pie.
I. Lopez said No more pie.
S. Hertzog said But I see the pie right there, give me some.
I. Lopez said No more pie for you.
S. Hertzog said Why not?
I. Lopez said You know good and well why.
S. Hertzog summoned Security.
Security gave him pie.
Follow-up:
Incident recorded, sent to A. Jenkins in Human Resources.
* * *
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Amy Jenkins
Re: Ida Lopez
Kate—
Thanks for your input re: Be a Sweetie/Wipe the Seatie. However, as I’m sure you’ve seen by now, we have a more pressing concern than the Features Department’s objections to my lavatory signs.
We’ve had another complaint about Ida Lopez, the dessert-cart operator in the senior-staff dining room. It appears the situation is getting worse. Today she categorically refused to give Stuart Hertzog, of Hertzog Webster and Doyle, the paper’s legal counsel, a piece of key lime pie. As you know, desserts in the senior-staff dining room are supposed to be unlimited. When questioned as to her reason behind refusing pie to Mr. Hertzog, Ms. Lopez replied, “He knows good and well.”
Mr. Hertzog, of course, hasn’t got the slightest idea what she is talking about. He has never set eyes on the woman before today.
As Ms. Lopez is currently on disciplinary probation from her last, similar violation, I believe we can begin moving forward with termination paperwork. Therefore, please discontinue work on her disciplinary warning letter for last week’s infraction and begin termination proceedings. Ms. Lopez should be informed no later than today at five o’clock that her services will no longer be required here at the Journal. Please see that Security escorts her to her locker and that she cleans it out thoroughly. Security is not to allow her out of their sight until her keys and employee ID have been confiscated, and she has left the building.
I have been informed by Food Craft Services management that Ida Lopez is inexplicably popular with junior members of the staff. Therefore it would be best if this case were not discussed outside the confines of the department. Please remember that personnel matters are confidential.
I will expect Ms. Lopez’s termination paperwork on my desk no later than 3 p.m. today.
Amy
Amy Denise Jenkins
Director
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6890
[email protected]
This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.
* * *
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Tim Grabowksi
Re: Ida Lopez
Hey, Katie, Ida’s one of yours, right? If so, you’ve got to do whatever you can to get this pie thing with Hertzog straightened out. Ida is the lifeblood of the NY Journal. Without her and her dessert cart, I for one will not be able to go on. And I think I speak for a lot of people here when I say if there’s anybody who does not deserve pie, it is Stu Hertzog.
Counting on you, as the only human in Human Resources (not including Jen, of course) to Do the Right Thing—
T.
* * *
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Nadine Wilcock-Salerno
Re: Ida Lopez
Say it isn’t so! The rumor mill has it that Amy Jenkins is asking for the head of our best baker on a silver platter. DON’T GIVE IT TO HER!!!!!!!! WE NEED IDA’S CARROT CAKE! If possible, hooked into an IV and attached to my arm.
I mean it, Kate, don’t let them fire her.
* * *
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Melissa Fuller-Trent
Re: Ida Lopez
Dear Kate,
I was in the senior staff room today when Ida Lopez refused to serve pie to Stuart Hertzog, the paper’s legal counsel. All I can say is, Mr. Hertzog really was unforgivably rude to Mrs. Lopez, even before she refused to serve him—I mean, he acted like he had some kind of inalienable right to pie—and if you need me to make a sworn statement to that effect or anything, I would be willing to. Only please don’t let them fire Mrs. Lopez . . . her chocolate chip cookies are out of this world.
Sincerely,
Mel Fuller-Trent
Features
The NY Journal
* * *
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: George Sanchez
Re: Cookie Lady
Don’t fire her.
I mean it. Her gingersnaps are the only thing that keep me sane around here. Besides Mountain Dew.
George Sanchez
Managing Editor
The NY Journal
* * *
