by Abby Green
He looked fierce. ‘We just lost a baby, Nessa. We need to talk about this.’
More pain gripped her. ‘I lost a baby, Luc. Don’t try to pretend you would have ever welcomed the news.’
He stood up, eyes burning. ‘What are you saying? That you would have never told me?’
Nessa was taken aback. ‘I don’t know. I didn’t have to make that decision.’
‘Would you have got rid of it?’
Nessa’s hands automatically went to her belly and the answer was immediate and instinctive. ‘No.’
Luc seemed to relax slightly. He paced away from the bed for a moment, running his hand through his hair. Nessa’s gaze couldn’t help taking in his unconsciously athletic grace, even now.
He turned to face her again. ‘I won’t pretend I wasn’t shocked by the news, and I can’t blame you for thinking I wouldn’t welcome it. I’ve never made any secret of the fact I don’t want to have a family. I never wanted to be a father because my own was absent, so how would I know what to do?
‘But now,’ he said, ‘things are different.’
Nessa’s mouth was suddenly dry and her heart thumped. ‘What do you mean?’
She had no warning for when Luc said in a very determined tone, ‘I think we should get married.’
CHAPTER TEN
NESSA JUST LOOKED at Luc in shock. Finally she asked, ‘Are you sure you didn’t receive a head injury?’
He shook his head. He stood at the end of the bed, hands on the rail. ‘I’m serious, Nessa. We would be having a very different conversation right now if you hadn’t lost the baby.’
Sharp pain lanced her. ‘Do you think it was my fault? I didn’t know... I felt nauseous all last week but I thought it was just—’ She stopped. She’d thought it was due to emotional turmoil. Not pregnancy.
Luc came and sat down near the bed again. ‘No, Nessa. Of course it wasn’t your fault. The doctor said these things happen. But the fact is that we almost had a baby and if you were pregnant there is no way we wouldn’t be getting married. No child of mine will be born out of wedlock. I was born that way and I won’t inflict the same unsure existence on my child.’
Nessa was desperately trying to read Luc, to absorb what he was saying. ‘But I’m not pregnant, so why on earth would you want to marry me?’
As if he couldn’t be contained, Luc got up and paced again. He stopped. ‘Because this experience has made me face up to the fact that I’m not as averse to the thought of family as I thought I was. Having a child, an heir, it’s something I’d always rejected. But I can see the benefits now.’
Nessa shrank back into the pillows. ‘That all sounds very clinical.’
Luc came to the end of the bed again. ‘I would love it to the best of my ability. I would give it a good life, every opportunity. Brothers, sisters. Like your family.’
It. Something in Nessa shrivelled up.
‘What about me?’ she forced herself to ask. ‘Would you love me to the best of your ability?’
He waved a dismissive hand. ‘This isn’t about love—that’s why it would be a success. We’d be going into this with eyes open and no illusions. I still want you, Nessa. And I can offer you a commitment now.’
He went on. ‘We’re a good team. These last few weeks have been a success for both of us professionally. We can expand on that, create an empire.’
‘Just a few days ago you told me the novelty had worn off.’
‘I didn’t want to hurt you.’
‘Well, you did,’ Nessa said bluntly. She felt sick all over again at this evidence of just how far he was willing to go in a bid to achieve his ultimate ambition.
‘As flattered as I am that you would consider me a good choice to be your wife and mother of your children, I’m afraid I can’t accept.’
Luc’s brows snapped together. ‘Why not?’
‘Because I don’t love you.’ Liar.
He didn’t miss a beat. ‘We don’t need love. We have amazing chemistry.’
‘Which you said would fizzle out,’ Nessa pointed out.
A muscle pulsed in Luc’s jaw. ‘I underestimated our attraction. I don’t see it fizzling out any time soon.’
‘But it will,’ Nessa all but wailed. ‘And then what? You take mistresses while our children see their parents grow more distant?’
She shook her head. ‘I won’t do it, Luc. Before my mother died my parents had a blissfully happy marriage. I won’t settle for anything less. I’m very pleased for you that you’ve figured out what you want, but I’m not it. Go and choose one of the women who understand your rules. I’m sure one of them can give you everything you need.’
His words mocked her. This isn’t about love. But it was. For her. And now that she’d broken her own rules and fallen in love, she knew she couldn’t settle for anything less than what her parents had had and what she saw in her sister and brother-in-law’s relationship. True selfless devotion. Trust.
Surely that was worth the fear of losing the one you loved? Even knowing that for a short time?
‘Nessa—’
‘I’m sorry, sir, you’ll have to leave. She needs to rest now. Her blood pressure is going up.’ A nurse had come in and neither of them had noticed.
Suddenly Nessa felt very weary. ‘Luc, just go. And please don’t come back. I can’t give you what you’ve decided you need.’
For a long moment she thought he was going to refuse to leave. He looked as if he was about to pluck her from the bed. But then he lifted his hands up in a gesture of surrender. It was a very un-Luc gesture. ‘I’ll go, for now. But this conversation isn’t over, Nessa.’
Yes, it is, she vowed silently as she watched him walk out.
The nurse came over and fussed around Nessa, checking her stats. She winked at Nessa and said, ‘If you can’t give him what he needs, just send him my way.’
Nessa forced a weak smile and laid her head back on the pillow. It was throbbing with everything Luc had just proposed. Luc had just proposed. But he hadn’t. It wasn’t a real proposal. He’d proposed a business merger. No doubt he saw the benefits of being related in marriage to Sheikh Nadim; it would place Luc in an untouchable place. Finally he would have all the respect and social acceptance he craved. And Nessa would be a side benefit of that. His wife, the jockey, who could be trotted out at social events as a star attraction. For as long as she won those races, of course.
And then bear his children, who he’d suddenly decided would be a convenient vehicle to carry on his name.
In a way she envied Luc—that he could be so coolly calculating and detached. She wanted to be detached. Not in love.
The nurse left the room. Just then Nessa’s phone rang on the bedside table and she picked it up, expecting it to be Paddy. But it was Iseult, calling from Merkazad. She sounded frantic. ‘Ness, what on earth happened? Are you okay?’
Nessa forced it all out of her head and told her sister everything. Everything, except how she’d fallen stupidly in love with Luc Barbier and lost his child.
* * *
It had been a week since Luc had seen Nessa in Paris and he’d since returned to the stables in Ireland.
He’d gone back to the hospital the day after their conversation to find her room empty and ready for the next patient. She’d already left for Ireland, with her brother. He’d since found out that her brother-in-law had arranged a private jet for them to go back to Kildare.
The image of Nessa being taken back into the bosom of her protective family was all too vivid for Luc’s liking. He hadn’t liked the spiking of panic and the feeling of being very, very out of control.
He had to admit now that he’d had it all so very wrong. Paddy hadn’t been a thief, and Nessa hadn’t been an accessory. They were just a close-knit family.
Luc hadn’t pursued her since then because she needed to recuperate, and he knew she also needed time to go over his proposal.
But there was no way that she was refusing his proposal the next time. D
amn the woman anyway. From the very first moment he’d laid eyes on her she’d challenged him, thwarted him and generally behaved in exactly the opposite manner to which he expected. His blood thrummed even now as he looked out over the gallops and expected to see a head of dark red hair glinting in the sunshine.
It was inconceivable that he wouldn’t see her here again, that she would turn him down. The chemistry between them was still as strong as ever. He would seduce her, and convince her to agree to his proposal. The alternative was not an option.
* * *
‘What do you mean she’s not at home?’
Luc glared at Paddy, who gulped. Luc had summoned the young man to his office to ask for directions to the O’Sullivan farm. It was time to bring Nessa back.
‘She’s gone to Merkazad. Iseult needed some help with the new baby. It’s due any day now.’
Luc’s blood pressure was reaching boiling point. ‘But she’s injured!’
Paddy looked sheepish. ‘She said she felt much better already.’
He could imagine that all too well. Her sister said she needed her, and Nessa jumped, without a thought for herself.
Luc made an inarticulate sound and dismissed Paddy. He paced his office, feeling like a caged animal. He needed Nessa now, and she was on the other side of the world.
A cold, clammy sweat broke out on Luc’s brow and he stopped dead as the significance of that sank in. He needed her. When he’d never needed anyone in his life. Not even Pierre Fortin had impacted Luc as hard, and that man had given him a whole new life.
Luc assured himself now that he just needed her for all the myriad reasons he’d told her that day at the hospital. That was all. But the clammy feeling wouldn’t recede.
He went to his drinks cabinet and poured himself a shot of whisky. He felt as if he were unravelling at the seams. He took another shot, but the panic wouldn’t go away.
Eventually Luc went outside to the stables and staff scattered as he approached when they saw the look on his face. Pascal bumped into him and stepped back. ‘Woah, Luc. What’s wrong? Has something happened?’
Luc all but snarled at him and strode off. He went to the stables and saddled up his favourite horse, cantering out of the yard and up into the fields and tracks surrounding his land. He came to a stop only when the horse was lathered in sweat and heaving for breath. Like him.
He slid off the horse and stood by his head, holding the reins. This was the same hill he’d come to when he’d bought this place. He could remember the immense sense of satisfaction to be expanding his empire into one of the world’s most respected racing communities. Finally, he’d thought then, I’ll be seen as one of them. I’ll no longer be tainted by my past.
But as he stood in exactly the same place now, Luc realised his past was no further away than it ever had been. It was still as vivid as ever. He expected to feel frustration or a sense of futility because he knew now he’d never escape it. He waited, but all he did feel, surprisingly, was a measure of peace.
For the first time, Luc could appreciate that his past had made him who he was and there was a curious sense of pride in that.
Yet, this revelation left a hollow ache inside him because he had no one to share it with. He knew now that there was only one person he would want to share it with, and she was gone. A sense of bleakness gripped him.
Nessa had returned to the protection of her home, her family, and Luc had no place there. He had no right to claim her. For a brief moment they could have been together, but it had been taken away and he had no right to that dream with her.
She didn’t love him, and if he had an ounce of humanity left he would not take advantage of their attraction to persuade her otherwise. She deserved someone far better than he would ever be.
The horse moved restlessly beside him, ready to return home, and Luc felt the bitter sting of irony. He wanted to go home too, but the home he wanted to go to didn’t exist, because he’d spent his whole life denying that it could exist, or that he needed it. And now it was too late.
* * *
‘Nessa, if you had told me about the baby I never would have let you come all the way here.’
Nessa’s emotions bubbled up under the sympathetic gaze of her older sister, who was sitting with her in one of Merkazad castle’s beautiful courtyards. They’d just been served afternoon tea, which had remained untouched as Nessa had spilled out the last few weeks’ events under the expert questioning of her concerned sister, who had noticed something was off.
Much as Nessa might have guessed, Iseult had already vowed to pay off Paddy’s debt to Luc Barbier, and Nessa was glad she hadn’t told Iseult before now. She would have been far too worried and insisted on getting involved. At least this way it was all over; whether or not Paddy would let Iseult and Nadim take on the debt was for him to deal with now.
‘It’s fine, Iseult. I’m glad I came. Really.’ She adored her nephew, Kamil, a dark-haired imp of five going on twenty-five, who was as excited about the imminent birth as everyone else.
Iseult reached for her hand now, squeezing it gently. ‘And what about Luc?’
Nessa sighed. ‘What about Luc? He proposed marriage as a business merger, not out of romance or love.’
‘But you do love him?’
Nessa desperately wanted to say no. But in the end she nodded, feeling her heart contract with pain.
Her sister sat back again, placing a hand over her rotund bump that looked ready to pop under her kaftan. Just then Kamil burst into the courtyard, holding his palm tablet and saying excitedly, ‘Look, Auntie Ness, I found you on the Internet!’
He jumped up onto Nessa’s lap and started playing the video of Nessa’s last race. Iseult suddenly realised the significance and reached across, saying, ‘I don’t think Auntie Ness wants to see that one, Kami. Let’s find another.’
But Nessa shot a smile at Iseult even as her heart was thumping. ‘It’s fine. I wouldn’t mind seeing it anyway. I haven’t looked back at it yet.’
The tablet was propped on the table and Kamil squealed with excitement on Nessa’s lap as the race drew to a close and she won.
When Kamil wriggled off her lap to run off again Nessa barely noticed. And she didn’t see the concern on her sister’s face. Her eyes were glued to the screen and the aftermath of the race. She saw the riderless horse and then a flurry of movement, Sur La Mer bucking and then herself disappearing underneath the horses.
She had no memory of the actual incident, so it was like watching someone else.
A blur of movement entered the frame from the right. A man, pushing his way through, throwing people out of his way and shouting. The camera focused on him, zooming in. Nessa realised with a jolt that it was Luc, and that he was being held back by Francois while the medics cleared a space and worked on her.
Francois was saying something indistinct to him and then Luc turned around with a savage look on his face and shouted very clearly, ‘I don’t care about the damn horse, I care about her.’
The video clip stopped then, frozen on Luc’s fierce expression.
Nessa looked warily at Iseult, who arched a brow. ‘That does not look like a man who is driven by ambition to marry a woman he sees only as a business opportunity, now, does it?’
* * *
‘He’s in the gym on the first floor, love. He’s in there for hours in the morning and every evening. It’s like he’s trying to exorcise the devil himself.’
Nessa smiled her thanks at Mrs Owens. Her heart was palpitating—she’d come here straight from Dublin airport. Iseult had insisted she come home, all but bundling her onto the plane herself saying fiercely, ‘You’ll always regret it if you don’t find out for sure, Ness.’
Nessa had known herself that even if Luc did feel something for her, he wouldn’t come after her. He’d been too hurt by his past. He’d never had anyone to depend on. Not really. And anyone he’d felt anything for had died.
It had only dawned on Nessa then that they actuall
y had more in common than she’d ever appreciated. Fear of loss. Grief.
The difference was that she’d had a family around her and he’d had no one.
She stopped outside the door to the gym. It was too late to worry about how she looked in worn jeans and a long-sleeved top. No make-up. Hair up in a loose topknot. Impulsively at the last second, she undid it and her hair fell down around her shoulders.
All she could hear from behind the door was a low and muffled-sounding rhythmic thump thump.
She took a deep breath and opened the door into the vast room. All Nessa saw at first were a hundred complicated-looking machines. But Luc wasn’t on any of those.
He was at the other end of the room punching a heavy bag, dressed in sweats and bare-chested. He was dripping with perspiration, a fierce frown on his face, hair damp. The scar on his back was a jagged line and Nessa’s heart squeezed.
He gave the bag a thump so hard that Nessa felt the reverberations go through her own body. And then he stopped suddenly. She realised that he’d seen her in the mirror.
He turned around, chest heaving and gleaming. Nessa was breathless. She’d never seen him looking so raw. Unconstructed. Suddenly the thought of never being with this man again left her breathless with pain. She couldn’t do it. Even if he didn’t really love her.
He stood with an arrested expression on his face and she walked towards him slowly. As she came closer the expression was replaced with a smooth mask. He pulled off his gloves and picked up a towel, running it roughly over his face and the back of his neck. He pulled on a T-shirt.
‘I thought you were in Merkazad.’
Nessa stopped a few feet away. ‘I was. I came back.’ Brilliant, Nessa. As if that weren’t patently obvious.
He shook his head. ‘Why did you go there? You’d just lost our baby, but you jumped to your sister’s bidding with no thought of the pain it might cause you?’
Our baby. Not it. Nessa’s heart clenched. ‘It wasn’t like that. Iseult didn’t know about the baby, and I thought it would be a good idea to help out.’
‘You were afraid I’d propose again.’ Luc sounded grim.
