by Sophie Lee
A large rectangular shed stood nestled right in the V of the valley, with Runcible Flights of Fancy written on its corrugated wall. A picture of an orange balloon and a bird in flight kept the inscription company. ‘This is Dad’s hangar. This is where he keeps the balloon!’ said Cheesy, panting for breath.
Edie caught up to her. ‘Keep quiet, Cheesy. You don’t want to give your dad a shock if he’s in the middle of something.’
‘Duly noted,’ said Cheesy, pausing to de-fog her glasses.
Realising how close they were to the entrance, the girls and Mister crept stealthily towards it. They could hear sounds coming from inside, as if birds or bats were fluttering about, but when they neared the doorway they could see no movement at all. The place was dimly lit and seemed to be empty except for Hogmanay’s orange car and its trailer, a wicker hot-air balloon basket and an enormous plastic bag with KEEP OFF written on the side.
‘That’s the bag he brought out of the basement,’ whispered Cheesy.
‘I think your dad might be—’ began Edie, but before she could finish telling Cheesy her theory, an undignified scuffle took place behind the car.
‘Oof!’ said a voice that sounded exactly like Hogmanay’s.
‘Eeearghh,’ replied a voice that sounded just like the Blank Marauder’s.
‘Ye cannae stop me,’ said the first voice. ‘D’ye nae ken that it’s for the town I’m doin’ this?’
‘I don’t care. I want an explanation! You made up some cock and bull story about Doctor Stuart being in danger. I asked you to lock up the veterinary clinic while I went to find her, not help yourself to the supplies. That’s Arabella Stuart you’re messing with, you idiot!’ said the second voice.
The two men came running into view.
‘Back off, ye Sassenach,’ said Hogmanay, pulling a spray can from under the balloon company’s orange overalls, which he had apparently pulled over his orange pleather jumpsuit. ‘For the town’s good, I told ye!’ With this he sprayed the contents of the can in the direction of the Marauder, who slumped slowly to the floor.
‘Ye’ll come around in ten minutes, ye big wally!’ said Hogmanay, patting the supine Marauder on the head. ‘It’s only woodworm repellent.’ Hogmanay dragged a small wooden box with airholes into the open. A gurgle came from the box as he retreated into the shadows.
Edie turned to her gobsmacked companion. ‘What on earth has he done now?’
‘I told you he’d gone bonkers,’ said Cheesy.
The girls stayed outside in the dark, crouching down out of sight, but after a while they became more uncomfortable and less cautious. Edie tapped on her detective kit and pointed towards the trailer, a signal for them to move, so they crept as noiselessly as possible in that direction. The Blank Marauder was sleeping peacefully under the effect of the woodworm repellent and was making gentle humming noises. When they got close to the trailer Edie pulled out her torch, but before she had a chance to take a look inside the enormous plastic bag, the sound of Hogmanay’s footsteps echoed in the hangar.
‘The basket,’ Edie whispered, ‘quick, let’s hide in the basket.’
The girls scrambled in as fast as they could. Mister resisted.
‘Get in!’ Edie hissed. ‘What’s wrong with you?’
Eventually, fearing for his safety, she grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down onto a cushion which read Home, sweet home. There wasn’t much room for all three of them, but it would have to do.
Edie looked around her. There was an esky, which on further inspection was found to be brimming with supplies: everything from cellophane-wrapped goodies and lowfat energy bars to salt-renewing beverages. There were maps detailing a proposed air route, a first-aid kit and some large bottles of water lying to one side. When Edie spied a khaki tarpaulin next to the esky, she pulled it over the top of them. Hogmanay was so close she could hear him grunt. Then something heavy and box-shaped landed right on top of her. Sounds of heavy breathing came from inside it.
‘What’s wrong with your dog, Sparks?’ whispered Cheesy in her ear. ‘He won’t stop snuffling.’
‘I don’t want to alarm you,’ Edie replied, ‘but someone else just landed in the basket.’
Hogmanay’s Bold Experiment
The three adventurers lay very still as a car door was opened and closed, and then a motor started. With a lurch and one or two bumps the car began to move, towing the trailer behind it. The trailer, the big plastic bag, the wicker balloon basket and the basket’s occupants were being taken out of the hangar and up the steep hill. One thing seemed certain: there was no turning back. The girls clung to each other for support and the crate with the heavy-breathing creature inside it was now in danger of squashing Mister.
‘Here, boy, get away from that,’ whispered Edie.
‘What have we done?’ Cheesy said over and over.
‘Please, Cheesy, you’ve got to try to calm down,’ said Edie. ‘He’s your dad, after all. Let’s just stay rational and find a way to explain everything to him. I know—we’re studying balloon baskets and part of our project is to see how large they are and whether they are fit for pets.’
But Cheesy wasn’t listening. ‘It doesn’t make sense,’ she said. ‘Dad must have repaired the balloon. I bet that’s what’s in the plastic bag. But if he thinks he’ll be flying at forty thousand feet, which, according to The Whiz-kids’ Encyclopaedia would be the record-breaking height requirement, surely he’d need more than a tarpaulin and a pair of orange overalls to keep him warm. Isn’t it freezing up there in outer space?’
‘Well, it’s a good job we’ll be there to make him see sense,’ said Edie, now glad of her woolly knickers.
‘I’m scared,’ said Cheesy, shivering. ‘What if Dad gets really, really angry? He’s not himself, you know.’
‘Shh,’ said Edie bravely. ‘We’ll be fine.’
She jiggled the crate with her left foot and whatever was inside it squeaked. The girls peeped over the top of the tarpaulin. They were now on higher ground and travelling along a tree-shaded country road. As the sun began to set they stopped at a farm gate on which there was a notice stating that beyond it lay the Runcible Refuge for Distressed Dromedaries, adding that if anyone wanted to come in they needed a permit. Hogmanay got out of the car, took a key from his pocket and unlocked the gate.
‘That’s the key. The missing key!’ whispered Edie, ticking it off her list. At least she had tracked down one of Doctor Stuart’s missing items. ‘And we’ve come to the RRFDD. But I’m confused. What’s the RRFD?’
When Hogmanay came back from the gate and climbed into the driver’s seat, his passengers dived back under the tarpaulin. After a bone-jarring ride along a rutted track, the trailer stopped. The girls poked their heads up and saw they were in the middle of a flat green field populated by fuzzy white shapes on legs. Edie thought they must be giant dogs with shrunken heads.
‘Alpacas,’ said Cheesy, always glad to display any superior knowledge she happened to have.
‘Hold on. Strictly speaking they’re not dromedaries, are they?’ said Edie.
‘They’re American cousins of dromedaries, with similar toes,’ said Cheesy.
Edie felt her Worries rising. Even though she’d asked Cheesy to keep calm, the fact that they’d got into the balloon basket, uninvited, was going to have consequences. She took a few deep breaths to drive the Worries back down.
Hogmanay undid the back of the trailer and manhandled the big plastic bag onto the grass. Edie was frozen with fear. Had they dared to look out of the basket they would have seen an auburn-bearded Scotsman in orange overalls humming to country music on his car radio while preparing a balloon for take-off before an inquisitive audience of not-very-distressed-looking alpacas.
‘Shoo, ye big gits,’ said Hogmanay, causing the animals to bleat and skitter about. Mister gave a raspy bark, but Hogmanay seemed too preoccupied to hear it.
‘Shh, boy,’ whispered Edie. ‘I know they don’t look it, but they�
�re distressed animals. Remember what the sign said?’
‘I don’t care much for them either,’ said Cheesy, and patted Mister’s ears.
Now they were back in daylight Edie was able to see through a crack in the wicker balloon basket. (She fleetingly hoped that the woodworms had not been gnawing at it.) Hogmanay was close enough for her to hear his ragged breathing as he completed his many tasks. He lugged tanks and canisters of all shapes and sizes out of the car, then released the contents of the plastic bag onto the grass. Cheesy had been right; Edie couldn’t see it clearly, but she could tell it was the repaired balloon envelope. Hogmanay began to inflate the giant mass of polyurethane. The WHOOSH of the flame igniting scattered the alpacas in all directions like hooved dandelions. Mister flattened his ears, disappeared back under the tarpaulin and lay between the girls. Edie and Cheesy kept very still, even though they knew it was pointless because any second now they’d be discovered and the jig would be up.
‘Here we are then,’ they heard Hogmanay say as he lowered the basket from the trailer with a pulley. Cheesy’s elbow was in Edie’s back and Mister Pants, squashed between them, blew his hot breath in Edie’s face.
‘This is heavier than I remember,’ Hogmanay muttered as he moved the basket onto the field. ‘Let me see . . .’
Just then a car screeched to a halt close by and Hogmanay left off inspecting the basket. ‘You took your time! I thought you’d never make it!’ he called to someone.
‘There’s a curfew, or hadn’t you heard?’ said a husky female voice. ‘I’ve come straight from the Town Meeting where the Mayor’s declared a lockdown. I’ll have you know I’m risking my job at The Daily Bugle by being here, so this had better be good. Whoops! Are these baby camels friendly?’
‘What on earth is going on?’ whispered Cheesy.
‘Has your dad invited the newspaper?’ Edie asked.
‘You should get a snap of me as I launch,’ Hogmanay was saying. ‘How about I get it all ready to go then pose like this? Believe me, Trudy Truelove, you’ll be running the headline: Runcible Scot Finds Fever Cure and Breaks World Record.’
‘I’m surprised you didn’t suggest Hogmanay Saves the World,’ said the journalist.
‘Even better,’ said Hogmanay, missing her sarcasm completely.
Firing on All Cylinders
Edie felt her Worries rising fast and, worse, they were turning into Angry Worries. It was surely her father’s discovery of a Fever cure that good old light-fingered Hogmanay was trying to pass off as his own. However bad the crisis was, it wasn’t enough to justify nicking from a friend, or spraying another friend with woodworm repellent. Edie began to scratch at the itchy spots that had appeared on her arms and legs. She felt clammy and feverish and fervently wished that everything in Runcible could once again be on an even keel, which Edie understood to be a mariner’s way of saying that all was shipshape and that none of the sailors below deck had scurvy.
Her ears were filled with the noise of the flame produced by the oxygen and propane, and she wondered if this was what ‘firing on all cylinders’ meant. As she mentally ticked oxygen and propane off Doctor Stuart’s list, she concluded that flying a balloon was hardly a serene experience, a sentiment with which the alpacas seemed in complete agreement.
‘Ye won’t regret giving me coverage. I think my story isn’t just good value,’ Hogmanay was telling Trudy Truelove, ‘it’s triple value! First, it’s a story of one man’s determination to go to undreamedof heights in his balloon; second, it’s the story of how one man conquered the fear of a Fever Dog and put an end to a dangerous disease. Finally, it’s a heartwarming story of practical initiative and recycled goods. Behold! My new-look balloon!’
With a great woomph! the balloon was completely filled with hot air and puffed itself up to its full size. Edie looked above her at the dramatic sight and it became clear what recycled goods Hogmanay had been referring to. He had restored the once mangled balloon by stitching onto its torn fabric hundreds of the pleather jumpsuits which the Blank Marauder had claimed were in mint condition. With its brave patches of blue, orange, green, pink, magenta and nearly every other colour of the rainbow, the balloon now looked like a jumbo-sized patchwork quilt. But the girls had little time to admire the effect, because just then another van screeched to a halt near the launch site. On its door were the words Runcible Veterinary Clinic and Animal Hospital. The door opened and a very angry Doctor Arabella Stuart stepped out. The Mayor got out too. Then the two policemen who had accompanied the Mayor to the Town Meeting pulled to a stop in their police car, lights flashing. Edie observed their matching navy pleather jumpsuits through the gap in the wickerwork.
They all marched towards the balloon.
The Fever Dog
‘I have some key research into curing the Fever,’ announced Hogmanay to the assembled crowd. ‘Put simply, the answer is elevation.’ Hogmanay was holding aloft a page of Michaelmas Sparks’s distinctive purple notepaper, scrawled all over with Michaelmas’s handwriting. Edie squinted at it through the crack in the wicker. It included the diagram of Mister’s doggy-lifter.
‘He’s definitely taken my dad’s notes!’ she said. ‘But that’s not the cure. Those are blueprints for one of Dad’s inventions, Mister Pants’s dumb-waiter doggy-lifter.’
Mister Pants snorted.
‘It seems,’ Hogmanay continued, ‘according to this new research, that if anyone infected by or carrying the Fever is subjected to low air pressure, the symptoms disappear and the Fever with them. So at last, a cure! Now, one way of doing this is to elevate the patient, or, in the present case, the carrier of the disease, to a very great height, where the air is thinner and, as a result, the air pressure is very much lower.’
Hogmanay Chompster reached into the balloon basket, missing the stowaways by a hair’s breadth (which is, roughly speaking, about one-tenth of a millimetre). He grabbed the wooden box and tipped its contents into his ample hands. A small white puppy tumbled out and began to yap.
‘RRFD,’ whispered Edie. ‘Of course. Runcible River Fever Dog.’
‘That’s the Fever Dog?’ said Cheesy, peeping through the wicker crack. She stifled a giggle. ‘But it’s just a little puppy.’
‘This is the biggest load of rubbish I’ve ever heard!’ said Arabella Stuart, who strode over to the balloon and eyeballed Hogmanay.
‘Now, Miss—’ Hogmanay began, but Arabella shut him down.
‘It’s Doctor Stuart, if you please, and I’m a vet, and I help Doctor Dogwatch to care for sick camels and their relatives in this refuge, which you’ve illegally entered after stealing one of my keys.’
‘What’s more,’ interjected Trudy Truelove, ‘you’ve stolen my dog Snuffles.’
‘I’ve nae stolen your dog,’ Hogmanay protested. ‘I found him by the river bank! His eyes were red and bug-like and his fur was—’
‘White and fluffy? This is my dog. I took him with me when I was doing some . . . investigative journalism by the river bank. He’s been missing ever since.’
‘Nae, nae,’ said Hogmanay, ‘he’s a Fever carrier all right. I found him eating a flan in the bulrushes, just like Moses. There’s no goin’ back. I’ve got to save Runcible from him!’
‘Check his name tag then give him back to me at once!’ said Trudy, bracelets jangling as she held out her arms for the anxious puppy.
‘Nae,’ bellowed Hogmanay.
Doctor Stuart turned to the policemen. ‘Officers,’ she said, ‘won’t you do something? Arrest this man! He’s stolen my key, and probably my blowtorch, propane, oxygen and surgical thread. He’s also stolen a journalist’s dog. He’s about to take off in a patched-up wreck of a balloon that would never pass a safety inspection and, worst of all, he’s trespassing on the land of these animals.’
The alpacas spat in agreement. One of the policemen wrote all this down in his notebook, conferred with the other officer, then approached Hogmanay with his arms outstretched in a calming gesture.
‘Sir, you’ll need to come with us. I must ask you to surrender all stolen goods at once. You can start by returning that dog to Miss Truelove, or I shall arrest you for theft.’
When he heard this, Hogmanay jumped into the balloon basket with Snuffles under one arm, and in a split second had thrown out some ballast bags, unhooked the guy ropes and turned up the burner, squashing the stowaways in his basket. The balloon, with its three human and two animal passengers, slowly ascended into the wide blue sky, scattering alpacas in its wake.
‘At any rate,’ said the second policeman, his voice fading as the balloon ascended, ‘we can forget about the trespass bit. He’s gone.’
Things Alpacas Will Not Eat
‘Er, hello, Daddy, were you expecting us?’ said Cheesy nervously, poking her head out from under the tarpaulin.
‘Hello, Mr Chompster,’ said Edie, emerging from its opposite end. ‘Would you mind moving your foot? You’re standing on my dog.’
‘Snort,’ said Mister.
‘Snuffle,’ said Snuffles.
Hogmanay gaped at his three stowaways in shock and disbelief.
‘Charisma, Edie, wee doggy . . .’ he began, then he sucked in a great breath. ‘Ye shouldnae hae come here,’ he growled. ‘D’ye nae ken? I’ve a Fever to cure. I’ve a wee record to break! I’ll bally well box your flamin’ . . .’ As he trailed off his face became a purplish-red, a bit like Cheesy’s when she was mid-tantrum.
