Fight or Flight

by Jamie Canosa

  “I’ve got an idea.” Why, when Jay spoke them, did those become four of the scariest words in the English language?

  “Another one?”

  “Mmhmm. But you’ll like this one.”

  “What kind of idea?” Was ‘this one’ going to put her at risk of a heart attack, too? Because she wasn’t sure she could handle any more of those kinds of ideas today.

  “How would you like a shower?”

  “A shower?” Clearly, she must be hearing things because luxuries like showers only existed in her dreams these days.

  “Uh huh.” The grin on Jay’s face told her he could definitely see the euphoria she was experiencing at the mere mention of the word. “Come on. We need to make a couple stops first.”

  Stop one? The corner payphone, where Jay came away with a quarter. Okay, then. Up next was the line of vending machines outside of a local grocery store and three more quarters. What the heck did quarters have to do with a shower?

  Jay frowned at the change in his hand. “A few more.”

  He wasn’t really talking to her, and he looked like a man on a mission, so Em decided to just stay out of his way. She followed him to a couple more payphones—but both were out of service and had nothing to offer—and then to a convenience store at the end of the block.

  “You stay out here. They don’t really like it when we come inside, but there are some video game machines in back I want to check. Just stay put. I’ll be right back.”

  “Umm . . . okay.”

  Jay looked about as sure of leaving her alone as she was, but in the end he dumped his bag beside her and ducked into the shop. Em watched him for as long as she could until he disappeared behind some shelves. Then, she settled back against the wall to wait. The sun was out in force and the bricks warmed her back. Tipping her face back to enjoy its rays, she shut her eyes and sighed.

  The sound of laughter snapped them open again almost immediately. A group of teenage guys were walking down the sidewalk, pushing and shoving as they went. They were big guys all wearing matching high school football jerseys.

  Sucking up her courage, Em pushed off the wall. What the hell. It couldn’t hurt to ask, right?

  “Hey!” Her abrupt greeting caught their attention a little more effectively than she would have liked. She’d never liked being the center of attention and now she had all of them staring at her . . . and smiling. Okay, this could work. “I um . . . I wanted to grab a soda, and it turns out I’m a little short.” If there was one thing she’d become adept at over the years, it was lying. “Do you think you could lend me a few quarters?”

  She was going to ask for a dollar, but Jay had been specific about them needing quarters for whatever reason.

  “I think I could manage that,” one of the guys offered with a grin, “but what do I get in return? Maybe a kiss?”

  Not likely. Em took a step back. Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea, after all.

  “Don’t listen to him.” Another, slightly shorter guy pushed his way to the front and handed her three quarters. “There ya go.”

  “Thanks.”

  “No problem.” His eyes slid over her ratty outfit and flicked to the two bags at her feet. He got this knowing look that made her squirm, but then just smiled and shoved the others off further down the sidewalk.

  “I was just kidding . . .” She could hear the first guy gripping all the way around the corner as they resumed their playful shoving match. It made her smile. She’d forgotten what it was like to just hang out with friends. She hadn’t really had any in years. It just got too hard to keep lying to everyone all the time.

  “Hey, I didn’t—” Jay gave her a weird look. “What are you smiling at?”

  “This.” She dropped the three quarters into Jay’s hand.

  “How did you . . .?”

  “I asked. Nicely.”

  “Huh.” It looked as though the thought had never even occurred to him. “Okay, then. Let’s go.”

  Luggage in tow, they moved away from the busy center of downtown. The further they went, the more remote it became until one whole side of the street was lined with nothing but trees.

  “Through here.” Jay veered off into the woods, and Em came to an abrupt halt.

  Quarters and now woods? What the hell kind of shower was this? And did she really want to find out?

  “Come on. Trust me.” Jay laughed, getting far too much enjoyment from all of this. “You may need to lift the bag though.”

  Seeing as she had no idea where they were or how to get back to the squat from there without Jay, Em didn’t have much of a choice. She hefted the bag and followed him into the dense underbrush. They must have hiked for a good ten minutes without seeing a single thing. The sounds of the city slipped away as they trudged on, and Em was beginning to wonder just how deep the woods were going when they started to open up. Not into the city again, just small clearings here and there. And was that . . . a tent?

  He’d brought her to a camp ground on the outskirts of the city, and standing in the center was the greatest sight she’d ever seen. A small wooden bath house. Em took a moment just to stop and stare. She could feel Jay’s eyes on her and knew she must look like an idiot, getting so excited over something so mundane, but she didn’t care.

  “Here.” Jay dropped four quarters into her hand. “It’s a pay shower. The park won’t be open much longer with winter coming, so enjoy it while you can.”

  The bathroom was tiny with only two stalls and three showers. Em dragged her bag through the sandy dirt coating the floor to the showers. She checked each stall, not sure of what it was she was looking for until she spotted it. The last stall under the window had a mostly used, travel sized bottle of shampoo lying on the floor. Jackpot!

  Showers were expensive, apparently. Four quarters only bought her about fifteen minutes, but she enjoyed every last second of it, letting the hot water wash the dirt and grime away from her skin and warm her to her bones. Her hair felt about ten pounds lighter when she’d finished washing it, even though it was sopping wet.

  When the water finally snapped off, she sighed. The chill from outside was quickly returning and she needed to get dressed before she got sick, standing there all wet. Rummaging through her new bag she found everything from underwear to hoodies and jeans. The only thing it didn’t have was a towel.

  Only slightly grossed out by the idea, she used her dirty clothes to dry off and then slipped into some of her new found treasures. A pair of leggings underneath the jeans, and two t-shirts under a thick dark blue hoodie. Clean and warm, she’d never felt better.

  ***

  On the way back, Jay had slipped into an alley and returned with a couple of grease stained bags. How people could just throw away so much food, she couldn’t understand, but she wasn’t complaining. Half eaten burgers and cold fries made for the perfect end to a pretty fantastic day. Even Jay was in a rare good mood as he munched on a French fry.

  “So.” He leaned back against the wall beside her, pillowing his hands behind his head. “What’s your name, anyway?”

  “Em.” Her brows drew together in confusion.

  Jay quirked a half-grin and shook his head at her. “Your real name. What does Em stand for?”

  “What’s Jay stand for?” She fully expected him to refuse to answer and drop it, so she was stunned for a moment when he replied almost immediately.

  “Julian. So . . .?”

  “Why don’t you guess?”

  Jay looked contemplative for a minute, like his was making a very difficult decision. “Emily?”

  “No,” she sighed, disappointed with his lack of creativity.

  “Esmerelda?”

  “Really?”

  “What? It’s a name.”

  “Wouldn’t that be Es, not Em?”

  “Whatever, maybe it’s not E-M, Em, maybe it’s just M, like the letter. Mary? Martha? Madison? Monica?” Em shook her head, giggling at his ridiculous guessing game. “Matilda?”
<
br />   Suddenly his eyes lit up and a sly grin crossed his face. “That’s it, isn’t it? Your name’s Matilda. That’s why you won’t tell me.”

  “No,” she cried, laughing out loud now.

  “Well, until you prove otherwise by telling me your real name, I’m calling you Matilda.”

  “Emerson.” Tears were in her eyes and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed so hard. “My name’s Emerson.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Jay

  She was laughing, and damn that smile. Did she even have the slightest idea what it did to him? Probably not. If she could find that kind of delight in a place like this, then her life had been too ugly for someone so beautiful. Making her smile became his new mission in life. She deserved happiness and he wished he could give her more of it.

  “That’s a beautiful name.” She sobered quickly and looked at him, chewing slightly on her lower lip. The sight zinged right through him very time. “Much better than Matilda.”

  “Yeah.” She smiled again and he thanked his lucky stars. The smile was bad enough, but the lip chewing would put him in an early grave. “If you call me that again I may have to hurt you.”

  ***

  A brisk wind had picked up by the time they were getting settled for the night. It whipped through the broken window pane and around the room. That probably meant there was another storm on the way. Jay silently wondered how many more the house could withstand before it collapsed around them. Crossing his fingers, he hoped for at least one more, just like always.

  The papers of their makeshift beds ruffled in the breeze and Jay noticed that Em had practically burrowed her way through the floor. It was time to start stocking up for winter, with more than just clothes.

  “Tomorrow we’re going to get some more blankets,” he assured her and she poked her face out of the one ratty blanket he’d given her.

  All he could see were her eyes, nose, and mouth. She looked so tiny all wrapped up like that. Then again, she was tiny. The clothes she’d picked up fit much better than what she’d been wearing. They clung to her in ways his hadn’t, making it painfully obvious just how thin she was getting. She’d only been with him a little over a week. At this rate, she’d vanish into nothing before long.

  “Where do you get blankets from?” Her sleepy voice banished his dark thoughts and he found himself smiling as he wondered how she’d react when they got there.

  “You’ll see.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Em

  Thousands of windows shimmered in the glow of the morning light, making the building look like some kind of castle from a fairy tale. Em had wasted years hoping on fairy tales. The kind where the princess is being held captive by some foul beast, but then a white knight comes along to free her. She’d waited and waited for her white knight to come, but eventually it had dawned on her that her life was no fairy tale. There were no such things as white knights, she was no princess, and her home was not a castle. And neither was this place.

  “A hospital?”

  “Relax.” Jay shook his head at what he clearly believed to be an overreaction on her part, but Em was having trouble agreeing.

  He wanted to steal. From a hospital. They were both going to hell. “Jay, we can’t steal from sick people!”

  “They have more blankets than they know what to do with in there. They’ll never miss a couple. Besides, if we don’t take them back to the squat, we’ll just end up using them in there instead when we both catch pneumonia.”

  He had a point there. It had gotten so cold last night that Hell was starting to look like a legitimate travel destination. “Okay fine. How do we get them?”

  “Just follow me.”

  No instructions, no explanations, no back-up plans. Just that one command and he was off, striding through the main entrance like he owned the place. It took Em’s feet a moment to catch on, and when they did, she scurried after him.

  He walked down the sterile white hallway with purpose, right past doctors, nurses, and patients, never looking away or breaking eye contact. He even managed to smile and nod at a few. God, he looked so . . . confident. She wondered what that must feel like.

  Em—not so much. She hung her head so that her hair hid her face as she huddled in Jay’s shadow. Right up until he stopped short, bringing her up beside him before her feet could stop her.

  “Stay beside me.” His fingers laced through hers. To keep her from falling behind again, she presumed. “And quit looking so damn guilty. The key to making people believe you belong, is to act like you belong. It’s not rocket science, Em.” They started walking again and Em risked a peek, but at the first sign of another person she couldn’t keep from ducking behind her hair again. “If you look like you know where you’re going, then everyone else will just assume you do, too. They won’t bother you.”

  She felt like she was in some kind of hands-on class and Jay was the instructor. She’d always excelled in class, and that all made perfect sense, except one thing . . . “I don’t know where I’m going.”

  Jay chuckled and gave her hand a squeeze. “I do.”

  He was laughing? Here she was, mere moments from a panic attack, and he was actually laughing. Pushing the limits of her poor battered heart, she took another peek. Jay had positioned her between him and the wall, so she was still partially hidden. The hall was crowded—people coming and going—but everyone seemed to have their own destination in mind. Most brushed by without even looking at them at all. Those that did, Jay would just smile politely at and they’d move along. Some even smiled back. Okay. This wasn’t so bad.

  Straightening her shoulders, Em forced a little more confidence into her stride. It wasn’t much, but Jay noticed and squeezed her hand again in approval.

  The storage closet for the ICU was a non-descript white door tucked into an alcove off of the main hallway. The ease with which Jay located it told her this wasn’t his first visit. Em was slightly surprised to find it wasn’t even locked. She had no idea what she’d expected. Jay to pick the lock, maybe? But when they slipped inside, it made more sense when she noted the most exciting thing the closet held was some plastic tubing and catheters. Besides the blankets, of course, the sight of which made her want to jump up and down.

  “I’ll grab what we need. You keep an eye on the door.”

  Watch the door. She could handle that. No problem. Em’s gaze settled on the doorknob with such intensity, that she half expected it to burn two small holes into the handle. She was so focused on her task that she jumped a mile when Jay reappeared at her side and shoved two pale blue blankets into her arms.

  “What do you want me to do with these?” No way was she just going to stroll back down that hallway carrying stolen merchandise. Uh-uh.

  “Tuck them under your shirt.”

  “What?”

  “Like this.” Without any hesitation at all he pulled the hem of her sweatshirt away from her body and shoved the rolled up blankets underneath.

  Em took one look and nearly died. “Are you kidding me?”

  “What? Now you really look like you belong here.” No joke. She looked like she belonged on the freaking maternity ward, for crying out loud. “I’d do it, but I’d just look ridiculous.”

  Like she didn’t? “Let’s just get this over with.”

  They turned to the door, and in the two seconds her attention had been diverted, she’d failed at her job. It was open an inch and swinging right toward them. Crap! Before her stuttering brain could process what was happening, Jay shoved her back against one of the shelves and planted himself in front of her.

  He was so close that their chests touch, and that was all she could think before his lips were on hers. Soft and warm. The feel of them did something so drastic to her entire body that for a moment, she forgot to freak out. But then it all came rushing in. Lips—other lips—on her. Cold, wet, demanding lips. And hands. And . . . Oh God, no, please not again . . .

  “Hey! What are you
two doing in here?” The horrible memories were shattered but an equally terrifying voice.

  Jay spun around to face the old lady in the bright orange scrubs. “Oh . . . um . . .” He laughed. He laughed and Em had the overwhelming urge to strangle him where he stood. What could possibly be funny about this situation? “You caught us. Sorry, we were just looking for somewhere a little more . . . private.”

  Realization kicked in and Em suddenly decided that strangulation was way too nice of a way for him to go.

  “Well, this is not the place for that.” The nurse’s eyes dropped to Em’s stomach for a moment, and suddenly Em was finding there wasn’t enough oxygen in the small space for all three of them. But when the woman glanced back up, she had a slight smile on her lips. “It’s nice that you two are still together through all of this, but please take it elsewhere?”

  Okay, forget killing Jay. Em just wanted to drop dead where she stood. Feeling like her face may spontaneously combust at any moment, she followed Jay past the nurse and back into the hallway.

  The looks she got there were just as embarrassing. Jay on the other hand, seemed to be finding them quite amusing. He was working so hard not to laugh that he had tears silently streaming down his face. Another backward glance from some middle aged woman, and Jay choked on a laugh. That sent a giggle shooting up Em’s throat and right out of her mouth before she could trap it. Then another. And another. Crap, he was going to make her laugh out loud right there in the middle of a hospital with everyone already staring at her like some kind of teenage delinquent. She was definitely going to have to kill him when this was all over.

  By the time they burst back out the main doors of the building, Em was laughing so hard she could hardly breathe. Jay wasn’t much better off. They paused around the corner to get control of themselves, and Em started to pull their prize out of her shirt, but Jay’s hand on her wrist stopped her.

  “Leave them. It’s safer that way.”