Sami face paled, but she kept her voice level as she rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, my God, Ben! It wasn’t exactly a state secret. I wanted to be more than some photographer’s wife even if he was a moderately successful one. I wanted my own career! I wanted money and fame. I wanted the clothes and the jewels. I wanted it all… all the things you said you wanted to get away from. And you were hella successful if this dilapidated cabin is anything to go by,” she jeered, gesturing around the room at the dirty floors and scarred walls. “Kudo’s on that, Ben!”
“No, Sami. Those are the things you told me you wanted. It was a very convincing story, and you did a bang-up job of selling me that lie. Like a true blue idiot, I bought every word, too,” he replied remorsefully, wincing at his own stupidity. “But it wasn’t the truth and we both know it.”
Sami’s face continued to whiten with every soft word he spoke. “It was!” she argued sharply, her high-pitched voice both desperate and pleading.
“It wasn’t,” Ben continued sadly. “As I said, I know the truth, Samantha. About all of it, baby.”
“You don’t know anything!” Sami spat, taking a step back as she wrapped her arms around herself and swallowed hard.
“But I do know, vixen,” Ben whispered, hating himself for the tears that began to fill her pained eyes. “I know that you and I were insanely happy until a month before we split… so fucking in love that we used to make our friends sick with the way we were all over each other. Especially after I asked you to marry me. Do you remember, babe?” he asked huskily, rising from his own seat at the table to take a step in her direction. “We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. When we weren’t with each other, it would create a physical ache, Sami. Like a phantom limb.”
Closing her eyes, Sami inhaled a shuddery breath. “I remember,” she conceded brokenly.
Nodding, Ben took another step in her direction. “Then, about four weeks before you decided it was over, things changed. You said it was because that’s when you started getting cold feet, but that wasn’t it, was it, Samantha?” he queried gently, witnessing her flinch before she hung her head, her hair falling around her face like a curtain.
“No,” she uttered with a small, negative shake of her blonde head.
“No,” Ben repeated sadly. “I feel like such a fucking ass. How could I have forgotten that you went to see your doctor? Honest to Christ, I don’t know how I forgot. Not when you’d made that appointment for both of us… to begin preparing for the family we both wanted.”
“Ben, please don’t do this,” Sami whimpered, her voice thick and hoarse as she kept her head down.
“I have to do this,” Ben replied softly, his voice agonized. “It’s the only way I know how to do this. We’ve got to tear down the lies between us in order to rebuild our life together, baby. If I could spare you the pain, I would. Just know that I’m here, hurting with you. Take my hand, Sami, and let’s just get through this,” he urged, holding out his hand, palm down as he held his breath and waited to see if she’d take it.
Chapter Eleven
Sami
God, she’d thought she’d experienced the deepest pain the world could throw at her, but reliving the most painful moments in her life as Ben narrated them for her was excruciating. “God, Ben, what are you trying to do to us?” she choked as she saw him hold out his hand to her from the corner of her eye, generously offering her the comfort of his touch. Latching onto it the way a drowning victim would hold onto a life raft, she clutched his palm gratefully as the first teardrop slid down her face.
“I’m trying to save us. I truly am,” Ben shared raggedly, his deep voice jagged and laced with pure sorrow. Taking a deep breath, he continued on. “I forgot you saw the doctor, Sami. I guess in the back of my mind I always assumed everything went fine since you never said otherwise. I realize now how amazingly stupid that was. If I’d known…hell, if I’d even suspected that was why you pulled away from me, I’d have never tolerated it. Back then, I just thought you’d gotten busy with work… stressed about life in general.”
“Oh, I was stressed,” she muttered, sniffling as she lifted her free hand to wipe her nose, her mind still reeling with the knowledge that he appeared to now know all her secrets. Even her biggest one. “So… you know that I’m… that I can’t…” She nearly choked, almost gagging on the words as brutal anguish swamped her. Pulling in a long breath, she quickly forced the words from her mouth. “You know I can’t have any babies then?”
Ben’s fingers tightened around hers, refusing to let go. “I know, vixen. I know, and I hate that you’ve spent three years living with that loss alone… a loss that should have been ours to share and carry together.”
Sami laughed hollowly. “But that’s just it, Ben! It isn’t our loss. It’s mine. Just mine! All freaking mine!” she yelled harshly, the tears coursing faster down her cheeks as he let her hand go to pull her against him, embracing her tightly. “Don’t you see? I let you go so that you could have your chance at a family! I wanted you to have a shot at being happy, Ben!”
“Sami, I was happy. I was with you,” Ben countered as she watched him blink back his own tears and if she hadn’t already been emotionally unraveling, that display of emotion from him would have shattered her.
“No! You don’t understand,” she denied, weeping freely. “I wanted you to have it all! I needed to be able to give you everything, and the only way I knew to do that was to release you. So I tore us apart. I broke us. And for what? Here you are! Still alone. No wife. No babies. J-just you a-a-and Jellybean,” she cried, opening her eyes to find the dog sitting in front of the door, looking at them both with wide, sorrowful eyes.
“Has it occurred to you that the most important variable was missing from that equation? There was no you! When you left me and took my chance at a future with you away, you also took any desire I had to make a family, Sami. Can’t you understand that you are the only woman I’ve ever wanted any of that with? Because more than anything in this entire world, I wanted you. You were the prize, Samantha. A biological child would have been nice, but without you… that dream meant nothing to me. That’s how I felt then. That’s how I feel now. And I promise you, that’s how I’m gonna feel tomorrow. You’re my light. Without you, I’ve just been existing in the shadows of a life I’ve barely been living.”
Heart in her throat, she could only stare at him with wide, hopeful eyes. Could he really be offering her the chance to be them again? To reclaim the life she thought she’d never have again? To spend every day loving and being loved by this incredible man? But could she really risk depriving him of a future child… a little boy or girl with his captivating eyes and killer smile? God knows, she wanted it for herself. Was she really going to rob Ben of his chance at having it, too?
“Vixen?” Ben murmured, brushing the back of his fingers against her jaw until he captured her eyes with his. “Where’d you go in that beautiful mind of yours?” he asked, frowning as he obviously found something in her gaze he didn’t like. “Wherever it was, you need to forget about it. I could tell by the look on your face it was nowhere I want you visiting again. Even if it is only in your mind. This gorgeous face was only ever meant to glow with happiness. It’s my new goal to banish every ghost of the past I see floating in that pretty green gaze. No more shadows, Sami. Only sunshine ahead for us.”
“You can’t just ignore the fact that I can’t give you a family,” she managed to croak. “See, I remember things, too, Ben, and I definitely recall all the dreams you’d share with me while we were in bed at night. You know, the ones about our kids and how you wanted to toss around a football with your son in the backyard and attend little parties with tiaras and tea with your daughter. I haven’t forgotten those moments, Ben. Or the fact that I can’t offer you the chance to have any of that. It’s torture knowing that I can’t be the mother to your kids. Sheer, unadulterated torture,” she wept as his warm hands cupped her face.
“Sami, is that where you
r head’s been for the past three years? Don’t you know that you don’t have to push my baby out of your body to be its mother? Goddammit, when I think about the way you’ve been punishing yourself for something you can’t control, I wanna rip apart the fuckin’ world, but I swear, when I hear you spout nonsense like you can’t be my kids’ momma because you physically can’t carry them in your body, I wanna shake you until your teeth rattle. I’m still so fucking in love with you that my heart physically aches, but at the same time, I’m so mad at you that I wanna wrap my hands around that gorgeous neck and strangle you,” he growled, staring at her with a crazy mixture of pure love and barely suppressed rage. “Do you realize you’ve spent three years punishing us both for absolutely no reason?”
Stricken, Sami gulped as she stood with her body molded to his, her hands clinging to his arms as if he’d disappear at any sec. “No, I haven’t,” she retorted hotly, her damp eyes clearing as she focused on what he was saying. “I was saving you! I sacrificed my own happiness to give you the chance at the future you said you wanted,” she declared self-righteously. “So you’re welcome!” she added haughtily.
“Oh, gee, thanks,” he sneered, matching her tone. “Congratulations! You took away the woman I needed more than air. Can’t you open your ears, woman! I only ever wanted that future with you, Samantha,” Ben bit out forcefully, his hands moving to her arms to give her a little shake.
“I hear you just fine. Maybe you should have your own ears checked, old man! Or have you just not been listening when I said that I can’t give you the children you want? That fact has not changed in the three years we’ve been apart,” Sami yelled, growing more and more angry with every passing moment. Couldn’t this blind asshat see that she’d done everything in her power to clear the path to a happy ending for him? Why couldn’t he get out of his own way and take the opportunity?
Sighing, Ben lifted his eyes to the ceiling and pressed his hands together in prayer. “Lord, grant me patience,” he implored the Lord aloud.
“Screw patience,” Sami replied grouchily, tilting her own head back to look at the ceiling to have her own discussion with the Almighty. “Heavenly Father, please see Your way clear to giving unto me a gun. A great big one with lots and lots of bullets. Amen!”
Ben chuckled. “Now, Samantha, we both know you’d never kill me,” he remarked with a smug degree of certainty that Sami found both arrogant and infuriatingly endearing. “It’s a sin.”
“That may be so, but not one of the ten commandments mentioned if maiming you would be even the tiniest bit sinful, and since Moses isn’t around to ask I wouldn’t press my luck,” she informed him snootily, sticking her nose in the air as she pulled away from his arms and paced to the other side of the room to sit on the edge of the bed. She preferred to think that in the absence of a hard and fast biblical rule, she could afford to roll the theological dice.
“Vixen,” Ben’s rich voice began quietly as she watched him face her across the small room, “There are a lot of things I want you to know right now, but I can see you’re overwhelmed, so I’m going to stick with the most important. First and foremost, I love you. I loved you the day I met you. I loved you the day I foolishly walked out of our apartment three years ago. And I love you right now, standing here as I offer you my heart, body and soul. Second, I don’t care if you can’t bear children. You don’t need to physically give birth to be a mother or have a family, Sami. There are a lot of ways to accomplish that goal. I don’t give a shit how we have our kids,” he informed her tersely.
“But…”
“No,” Ben denied, his face darkening. “Shut it. I’m talking now. You had three years to speak your peace if you wanted and you instead chose to prance around the world and pretend modeling filled the void inside you. Now, this is my time. Understand?”
Oh, how she wanted to argue, but she also recognized that she wanted to hear what he had to say. She needed to know if they had a chance. If there was a way for her to have him and give him the family she knew he wanted. “Okay, Ben,” she consented with a slight nod.
“Good,” he returned briefly. “As I was saying, we can adopt a child. We can investigate surrogacy. We could get you another appointment with a doctor. God knows, we both have enough money to get the very best there is. There have been all kinds of advances in medicine. You never know; maybe there’s something that could help us. Regardless, when we’re ready, we can expand our family in any number of ways. Samantha, you don’t have to give birth to be my kid’s mother just like my kid doesn’t have to come from my sperm in order to be my son or daughter. Life isn’t always that simple, babe!”
Swallowing hard, Sami heard the genuine sincerity in Ben’s speech. She could see the open candor burning in his eyes. These weren’t just words to him; it was who he was at his core. And she’d wasted so much of their time being foolish. She’d made so many impulsive, emotion-fueled decisions that had cost them both so much. Yet, after everything, he still loved her. “You’re right, Ben,” she admitted, her voice cracking as she bit her lip and met his eyes. “I screwed up. I was hurting and scared, and I made a thoroughly irrational decision. I cut you out when I should have pulled you closer and I cost us three years together. All I can say is that I thought I was doing the right thing…. the honorable thing. I thought if I stepped aside, you’d be able to find something and someone better. Somebody that could give you the life you imagined.”
“Sami, you are the life I always imagined, but you have to want it, too,” Ben confided huskily as he stood rooted to his spot across the room. It was becoming obvious to her that as much as he wanted her, these last steps toward reconciliation would need to be taken by her.
Slowly coming back to her feet, Sami walked across the room to Ben on unsteady feet, the rubber soles of her galoshes sticking to the floor. Standing in front of him with ratty hair, swollen eyes, her body swimming in ‘borrowed’ clothes much too big for her thin frame, Sami held her breath as her pulse throbbed in her neck and her heartbeat thumped as quickly as the flap of a hummingbird’s wings. The moment of truth was upon her and she wasn’t sure if she had the courage to take that final leap.
Until she felt his fingers twine around hers, his grip solid and real, anchoring her to the here and the now.
“I want it, Ben,” she whispered shakily, stepping into the shelter of his body and moving to press her lips to his.
“Vixen, I love you more than anything in this world, but there are limits to my restraint. Don’t kiss me unless you’re sure about this… because I won’t go through this pain again. I can’t. So, know that If I put my mouth on yours now, I’m never going to let you go again,” he warned meaningfully, his blue-gray eyes filled with both yearning and desire. “The next time I make you mine again, its forever,” he warned softly.
Her body shivered at the dark promise in his words while memories of their lovemaking skittered through her mind. “Ben…”
Interrupting her by pressing his index finger against her parted lips, Ben grinned down at her. “Before you answer, come somewhere with me?” he requested, nodding toward the door.
Shifting against him, Sami made a small noise of dissent. “Uh, do you remember the great big mommy bear that wanted to eat us?”
Turning to crane his neck toward the grimy window over the table, Ben’s smile widened. “Coast is clear, vixen. The cub and his mom are long gone.”
“Yeah, but how do we know we won’t run into them again?” Sami questioned apprehensively as Ben let her go long enough to kneel next to their discarded bag.
“Well, we don’t,” Ben replied truthfully while she watched his hands quickly sort through the contents of his huge rucksack, finally pulling out a couple of thick terrycloth towels. His eyes twinkled as he held them up for her to see. “But I’d say the risk is worth the reward in this case, wouldn’t you?”
“That depends on if those towels mean what I hope they do” Sami returned, silently praying they did. Looking around
again, she tried to figure out where Ben could possibly be hiding a shower. Unless it was underneath the cabin, she was officially out of guesses.
“Guess you’ll have to come with me to find out,” Ben said as he stood up and snagged her hand, pulling her toward the door. “I promise on my life, I’ll keep you safe. Our destination is just a short walk away,” his confident voice assured her as he opened the front door.
“How short is short?” Sami fretted nervously as she stepped out on the porch behind him and scanned for any sign of wild animals.
“Less than two minutes if we walk and under a minute if we jog,” Ben answered, squeezing her fingers to reassure her. Glancing down at her feet, he couldn’t help his low laugh. “In that footwear, I’d definitely suggest walking, babe.”
Sticking her tongue out at him, she arched one eyebrow. “Or, like a true gentleman, you could tell me to lose the shoes and offer to carry me,” she suggested just to hassle him. Of course, she’d forgotten how Ben never hesitated to pick up a gauntlet when someone threw one at him, and the next second she found her hands filled with their towels and her body swept up in his strong arms, bridal style.
“Your wish is my command, princess,” he announced, curling her body against his chest as he brushed his lips lightly to hers.
“Ben,” she breathed, resting her forehead against his as happiness suffused her and her eyes drifted closed.
“Sami,” he whispered back, his eyes remaining soft on her face, cradling her closer when her head fell into the curve of his neck, her nose rubbing against his collarbone as she inhaled deeply.
“You still smell so good,” she murmured. “For the last three years, every time I smelled pine needles or coffee, I thought of you.”
“Then I bet autumn mornings were a real bitch,” Ben joked gently, kissing her temple as he moved down the steps and headed east, the morning sunlight nearly blinding them both until they reached the entrance to a small trail that led into the forest.
Paradise Found Page 17
