These was a knock on my door and I looked up to see the man in question, my dad. He had a big smile.
“So, today’s the day? Are you sure you’re ready? It’s only been 2 weeks. You don’t need to hurry. I want you better more than I want you out of here, you know. As much as I miss you at home, I’m surviving. I haven’t burned the house down yet and I’m not starving.”
See. Putting off his own happiness his whole life to make sure I am okay. It’s time to move forward. I nodded at him.
“I’m so ready. I got the nurse to get me a newspaper yesterday and I went through the classifieds looking for a condo to rent. I highlighted the ones I’m interested in. Tomorrow I’m gonna go look at them. I love you dad, but it’s time for me to grow up and move out. I am going to focus on me now. I’m gonna be happy for me for the first time. Gonna do what makes me me. Find out who I really am. I’m more than just your daughter, your mechanic, Brock’s girlfriend, even the pinup. I need to find out what makes me happy.”
“As sad as I am to let you go, I’m really happy for you Teagan. You’ve made a lot of progress this week and I’m so proud. You know you are always welcome to stay at the house, but I’m glad you’re gonna do what you want to for once. Don’t think I don’t know you’ve given up dreams to take care of me. Doesn’t mean I won’t be worrying my ass off all day every day. Shit this is gonna be hard.”
I smiled. Of course he knew, he’s a smart man.
“I have a lot of money saved so I’ve got some time to figure it out. I won’t be coming back to work for you though dad, I hope that’s okay?”
His smile dropped a little.
“Its fine sweetheart. Do what you want, find a job you like, doing something that makes you happy. But I will keep a job open for you at all times; you’re always welcome to come back to the shop.”
“I know dad and I appreciate that. I just don’t think I could work there anymore with Brock working there too. I know Summer made up a lot of what she said that night, Dr. Munroe helped me to see that she played right into my insecurities. However, if I’m that easy to hurt, something needs to be done. The fact I was so fast to believe her, in fact, I think in my head, I wanted someone to say all that because I really didn’t feel worthy of Brock as it was. I just couldn’t rationalize why he would be with me. I forgive him for his part in my high school debacle, but I’m not ready to go back there. I’m not strong enough. I’m afraid if he were to apologize and beg for me back, I would go and I would find myself right back where I was. Relying on him for my happiness.”
Because, as much as I forgive him for his past, I still hate him for his present. I hate that he didn’t tell me. I hate that I am so weak that he couldn’t tell me because he knew what would happen. What did happen.
My dad smiled big, “Baby, it makes me so happy to hear all this from you. I’ve been so scared for you for so long. You’ve been so fragile, I’ve felt like anything could shatter you at any time. As much as I dislike Brock for this, I love the fact that you are coming out stronger. Plus- he’s an amazing mechanic and I don’t want to have to get rid of him when you can’t work together.”
He smirked. He would get rid of him in a flash if it made me happy, but I’m not putting that on him.
The nurse showed up with my discharge papers, making sure I had appointments for therapy set up already with my doctor outside the hospital. I may not need to stay here any longer, but that didn’t mean I was done with therapy. I still have a long way to go.
I took my papers with a smile and grabbed my small bag of belongings.
“Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”
My dad smiled and I giggled. I was happy. I was going to be okay. Maybe not right away, but eventually, this time, I was going to be okay.
Brock
Two weeks. It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen or heard from Teagan. Two weeks of hell. Her dad and I have managed to work out some kind of truce where we both don’t acknowledge the other exists. I go to work, work hard, and come home every night to an empty house. For a while I couldn’t bring myself to wash the sheets because they smelled like her. When the scent was gone, I couldn’t wash them because of the memories. I had to wash them eventually, but I was a mess when I did. I felt like a girl, getting teary eyed and emotional over my sheets. Who the fuck was I?
One day last week, when I was forced out of sheer necessity to leave the house for food, I ran into Meghan at the grocery store. I knew I looked like hell, but seeing it on her face was a bit of a shock too. She ran over and gave me a hug. I wasn’t expecting that. I expected her to hate me as well.
“Oh Brock, I’m so sorry. I wish I had known so I could help you figure out how to tell her without breaking her. I don’t, for one second, believe what Summer said. I don’t think, in her heart, Teagan does either. She’s just always been so fragile and Summer knew exactly what buttons to push to cause her to break. I fucking hate that bitch. Justin and I are here for you, you know. I know you love her, that you never meant to hurt her. Even her dad knows, he’s just so angry about the whole situation he can’t see straight. He’ll get over it. She’s getting better, you know. Slowly.”
I took a deep breath. I couldn’t believe Meghan was still on my side. Well, both our sides. It gave me hope that someday, somehow, I could make this better. I could get Teagan back and tell her I loved her. I needed her.
Since that day at the grocery store, Meghan has been calling to keep me updated on Teagan’s progress. She has even invited me over a few times for dinner with her and Justin. They moved in together sometime recently and seem to be doing really well. I like Justin, he’s a cool guy. Since Teagan’s gone, Meghan and Justin are my only friends. I work, hang out with them, and work on the house.
The house is definitely benefiting from all this free time and energy. I ripped up the carpet from the entire house to find amazing hardwood under it. I’ve been sanding and refinishing it, working on it every night. Got nothing else to do. If I don’t do something, I sit and think about Teagan and that hurts. So, to avoid pain, I focus on the house. It’s starting to look pretty good. I can’t wait to show Teagan.
And there it is. My world, everything I do, still involves her. She’s in every decision I make. Will Teagan like this color? What would Teagan think of this tile? I want her back in my life so much I can’t even think about not having her. This house, I’m finishing it for her. For us. Because I just can’t live in a world where Teagan isn’t with me, where our future isn’t together.
Someday, when this passes and we are together again, she’s gonna live in this house. It’s our house. So I work on it for her.
I’m pitiful.
*****
When I got to work this morning, the mood in the shop was lighter than it had been for a while. I grabbed a work order and went to work, focusing on getting the job done well and not pissing my boss off more.
“Brock, my office for a moment please.” Jonathan yelled across the bay.
Shit, this couldn’t be good. Maybe he had just had enough of me, of seeing the cause of all his pain every day. I straightened from working on the engine and quickly wiped the grime off my hands before heading into his office. He shut the door as soon as I was in and motioned for me to sit. I did, trying to fight the urge to panic and run.
“I know it hasn’t been easy, working here with me these last two weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still angry as fuck at you. But, in the interest of the shop, and ultimately my daughter, I’m working on this.”
Wait, did this mean Teagan wasn’t mad at me? If he was trying to get along with me in the interest of his daughter…He continued.
“Teagan isn’t coming back to the shop. She isn’t actually coming back at all. She was released yesterday afternoon and spent today apartment hunting. She apparently found something she loves and will be moving in imm
ediately, as the place has been empty for some time. I just felt you should know that she is better and moving on. I want you to be able to move on as well. I’m working on it. She doesn’t hold any bad feelings for you, and she wishes you the best. So, that’s that. Thanks for all your hard work lately, you really are the best in the shop. I would’ve hated to have to fire you.” He ended on a small laugh.
I didn’t see anything to laugh at. I felt like the room was closing in on me, like the floor had just been yanked out from under me. Everything I had been doing, all the work on the house, all the work here at the shop, all of it was with the ultimate goal of getting Teagan back, and now to hear she was just gone? It wasn’t like she was just getting another job, she wasn’t coming back at all.
“Where is she? Where did she move? I need to see her. I need to explain, make things right again. I love her Jonathan.” I was begging, pleading with the man to help me out. I couldn’t let her go. I needed her. She was my future. She brought me back to life, taught me how to enjoy living again outside of jail. She accepted me, messed up past and all. I fucked up, I needed to make this right. I had too.
Jonathan stood and patted me on the shoulder, “Brock, she is finally healing, doing so much better than any of us ever hoped. Please leave it be. Leave her alone and let her move on. She’s spent so many years living with those rumors and the emotions tied to them hanging over her, making the decisions for her. It’s time for her to move on, move forward, focus on herself for once. She deserves to be happy. Let it go Brock.” With that, he left me sitting, stunned, in his office.
How could she move forward and be happy without me? I couldn’t without her. She was it for me, it wasn’t fair.
I left the office in a fog, returning to the car and finishing the job I had been working on, though truth be told, I don’t know if the job I did was any good. I wasn’t there, mentally. I was focused on finding some way to get to Teagan. I couldn’t just move on. There was no “forward” for me without her in it.
*****
I was wandering the streets of Lodo (Lower Downtown), aimlessly, trying to think of where Teagan might want to move when I saw a familiar face. Justin was standing on the corner questioning a teenager about something. Interesting. I knew he was with the Denver police force but had never actually seen him in work mode. He was always joking and laughing with Meghan, it didn’t fit the image of the stern man on the corner yelling at the youth.
After standing and watching the interaction for a while, I headed over to see him when he let the teen go, apparently with a stern warning. Justin was a good guy.
“Hey man, imagine seeing you down here! What are you up to in Lodo?” he asked when he saw me approach.
“Naw man, I’ve been wandering around town, aimlessly, hoping to stumble on Teagan, kinda like I stumbled on you. I have to find her man, I have to explain. I need to get her back.”
Yep, I was that whiny ass guy that all the friends made fun of behind his back. I would willingly give up my man card if Teagan would just walk around the corner right now. Justin just shook his head and gave me a look that said I was pitiful and he was sorry for me.
“Dude, you know I can’t tell you, Meghan would have my balls, and I kinda like them just where they are. Besides, this is a good thing for her. Teagan’s doing well, stronger than I’ve ever seen her. Meghan said she’s still going to therapy, but she is actually making progress this time. No new personality in the mix, just her. The real her. One none of us have really seen since you demolished her in high school.” He shook his head in shame and disbelief at me. It stung. “Yeah, that was harsh, but man, why? Why would you start rumors like that about someone, and not tell them about it when you start dating them years later? I mean, you could have avoided this whole thing had you been upfront about it. She would’ve been upset, but she loved you so she would’ve found a way to work with it. That’s just who she is.”
I knew this, I didn’t need people to keep reminding me what an absolute fuckup I was. Seriously, I got it.
“I get it man, I do. She’s doing well, and as much as it hurts me that she is doing so well without me, I’m not. I’m barely surviving here. I need to at least talk to her. Please. Man to man, help me out here.” Again with the begging.
Justin just shook his head, “Can’t man. But maybe in time, who knows? Listen, Meghan and I are going to have a get together at the house this weekend, you should come. Get out of your house and stop moping around. Meet some new friends, hell, maybe a new girl? You don’t need to love her, but fuck, getting laid never hurt anyone.” He winked.
I sighed. This wasn’t going anywhere and as much as I hated the idea of moving on, hanging out with friends was probably a good idea. I wasn’t going to stop looking for her, but I was going to do my best at being happy in the meantime.
“Okay, you’re right. Hanging with you and Meghan would be nice, thank you. But please, don’t try and set me up with anyone, okay? I’m not ready. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready.”
He nodded, understanding showing in his eyes.
“I’ve gotta get back out there, so, Saturday night, seven-ish? Bring beer.”
He turned and walked down the street, presumably headed to his squad car and back out to bust another misbehaving teen. I could do this. I wasn’t ready to move on, but I needed something other than the house to keep me busy until I found a way to get to Teagan. Besides, maybe someone at the party knew where she was and wouldn’t be as locked down with the information. Hell, drunk people liked to blab, maybe this would be worth more than just some friend time.
I meandered back down the streets, finding my truck with the meter just about to run out of time. Getting in, I headed home to work on finding a way to move forward. If Teagan could do this, I could too. If only I could believe the words I was so easily telling myself.
Chapter Thirteen
Teagan
I loved my new place. Evergreen was a small mountain town not too far from Denver, so I could easily visit my dad and Meghan on a regular basis. I was slowly making the place mine, finding eclectic items and furniture to fill my space that was uniquely me. I had this mountain chic thing going on. Retro and funky but still rustic and feminine. Nothing matched, yet it worked together perfectly.
My favorite piece was a huge, Beatle-kill wood bed that I had found at a local shop. It was a one of a kind piece. Beatle kill wood was all over Denver, due to the massive infestation we’d been dealing with for years. The wood takes on this greenish hue and is really pretty. The bed should have looked heavy and chunky, but somehow, it didn’t. The slender beams were carved to make them look almost fragile. I had found a cute comforter set on sale at a bedding store and it pulled the green from the wood out more, accentuating it. I loved it. It was perfect for me.
I sat at a local coffee shop, flipping through the classifieds, looking for jobs at local car repair shops but none of them seemed to call to me. I didn’t want to do everyday car work. That didn’t sound fun to me at all. Going to work every day to change people’s oil and rotate tires was not what I wanted to do with my life.
I thought of Phoebe, sitting in front of my dad’s shop. That’s what I want to do. I wanted to restore old cars. Problem is, restoration shops are few in the front range area. My dad’s shop is one of maybe three, and his is the best. The other two were nowhere near Evergreen.
I stood and got a refill of coffee to go and headed out of the shop. The great thing about small towns was the ability to walk everywhere. Turning the corner to walk home, thinking about this restoration problem, I looked up and saw a for sale sign at a closed gas station.
It was like lightning struck me. I could open my own shop. I had the money, having never really paid bills. I was good, I knew people in the business and could get them to come work for me. I could even get clients from my past work at dad’s shop.
&
nbsp; For the first time in years, I felt joy. I practically flew over to the sale sign to get the phone number and call the agent. She was willing to meet with me now, seeing as I was already here. I was practically bouncing while I waited for her to arrive. My dad would be so proud. Shit. Dad. I needed to tell him my idea, he would want to help.
Since I had the time, I called him at the shop while I was waiting.
“Dad!! I figured it out! I’m gonna open my own restoration shop here in Evergreen! I found a place walking home today and the idea just came to me. I don’t want to work on cars, changing oil for someone every day. I want to work on cars, rebuild them from the frame up. I want to make them beautiful again. And I can! I can do this. What do you think?”
Silence. Well, that wasn’t what I was expecting.
“Dad?”
I heard him move and a door shut. Shit. He didn’t think I could do this. Or, maybe he was worried I would take his business. Why hadn’t I thought of that? I mean, my shop would be in direct competition with his. Maybe this wasn’t the right plan.
“Teagan, I think this is a great idea, but you don’t just go jumping in to starting a new business. I get that you’re excited and stuff, and yes, it’s a great idea and you certainly could do this. But you need to do some research first, find out if there is a market in Evergreen for this. There aren’t a ton of people in that town, which means you would have to rely on people driving up from Denver to see you. How would you draw them in? Do some market research first, meet with a local town planner, hell, take me to see the places. I’m not saying don’t do this. I’m just saying don’t do anything yet.”
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