by Adair Rymer
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Taping Rock's handgun to the frame behind the driver's side wheel well,” he grunted. I'm sure after getting beaten up by a school bus, that wasn't the most comfortable position to be in at the moment.
“I take it that's the rainy day gun?”
“In a man to man fight, the winner is he who has one more round in his magazine.” He put up a hand and I helped him stand. “Hop in, we gotta go.”
We didn't talk much, with all the adrenaline wearing off it was hard to keep my eyes open. It was worried, restless sleep most of the way there. The speed bump of the parking garage woke me fully. “Where are we?” I yawned.
“Santa Fe.” Remy looked exhausted. He backed us into a parking space in an emptier part of the garage. Then he reclined the seat all the way back and covered his eyes with the crook of his elbow
“Are we ok to stay in this car? Shouldn't we abandon it somewhere?” It was a stolen car after all, even if it was the officer's civilian car.
He lowered his arm to look at me.
“They have at least a half a dozen bodies to sort out and bag up. Maybe the owner of this car is in one of those bags.” Remy saw the concern on my face. “Either way, LVPD has a lot more going on than a car jacking, we should be good for a little while.”
The image of the Vasquez family in their gaudy Christmas sweaters came to mind. The thought of them being robbed of their husband and father struck me in a very painful way. I know it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help but feel for them. Everything that happened lately seemed to have these rippling repercussions like a stone dropped into a still pond. We had no say as to when the stone would drop and who would be affected by the waves.
Did the man I killed have a family? Did he have children and pets in ugly sweaters? Probably not, and if the kill teams were as bad as Remy says then he definitely deserved what happened. I guess it just reminded me how sudden and unapologetic the end comes. It just happens.
Then you're gone.
“Did you know that man. The one that I...”
“Yeah,” Remy interjected, seeing that I was having trouble saying it out loud. If I said it, would it make what I did feel more real? “His name was Rocks. I can't remember his civilian name.”
“Who are these men that are coming after you— us?”
Remy frowned. Those gears inside him no doubt ran through the connotations of the word Us in this situation. “Criminals and ex-criminals, mostly. They're the most loyal members in each chapter. Men that we pay a lot of money to do things that need to get done in a very violent way. Hitmen, arsonists and the like.”
“You said that you used to be involved with these guys?”
“I led one of the teams a while ago until Maria convinced me to stop.” That woman again. Who was she? He continued. “We were mostly demolitions. If another club stepped up and needed to be dropped a peg, they were sent us. We'd pop a weapons cache or clubhouse, whatever it took to send a message. We killed when we had to but that wasn't the main goal. Lorenzo's team... that's a different story all together.
“Is that the team Rocks was in?
“Yeah. Lorenzo and his guys specialize in murder. We never really got along. We did it because we had to. Those sadistic fucks reveled in it.”
“Oh...” If a man like Remy is wary of guys like these, then they really must be bad news. “Do you have a plan?”
“My plan is to put you on a plane back home tonight.”
“No,” I said reflexively.
“This isn't a game, Star. They will kill you. And I promise that it'll be an ugly death. This is serious, you can't be around for this. Maybe after it all shakes out we can—”
I hit him. I punched him in the shoulder. Then I hit him again. My blows were almost completely ineffectual and he grabbed my wrists eventually, forcing them down. “No! You don't get to just get rid of me!” I started crying but stifled it. I needed to be strong.
“Listen.” He spoke with hard edges. “I have a plan but a lot of people are going to die. When you get inundated with this kind of violence it doesn't just wash off. It becomes you. You can't walk this dark path with me without paying for it. If you survive somehow, it'll corrode your soul.”
I turned away.
“Look at me.” Remy shook me, forcing my gaze to meet his. “You need to understand.
“The way I see it,” I spat defiantly. “I've already killed one of them and if I need to I can do it again!”
“It's not just them, goddammit!” I shrank a little at his raised tone. After a moment the anger dissipated and a sadness crept into his voice. “I don't want you to see the kind of man I truly am. I... care about you, Star. These hands—” Remy let me go and held up his strong, calloused palms. “—have taken everything from people. Most of them deserved it, but I'm sure some didn't. All those people. That's all on me. Now I have to use them to protect you and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that they wont be fast enough. That indirectly, they'll take the life from you too. I can live with a lot of things but that's just not one of them.” Remy struggled to get the words out.
“Remy, I know what you are. I've seen you. What you're capable of. Jesus, what you did to Rio...” Remy grimaced and pulled away but I caught his hands and pressed them to my chest. “—was necessary. I want you, Remy. Scars, dirt, blood, tattoos and grease. I want all of you.”
“Star...” He looked back at me with softened features.
“You are the reason I’m alive. I owe you everything. You saved me.”
“Star, I had my guys search the back of the garage when I saw that fuck with you. I didn't save shit. I dragged you into all this.”
“When I said you saved me... I meant that you saved me, not just from the bikers, but from my old life.”
“What?” The confusion in him was apparent.
“I was sent out to live with my aunt and uncle, not just because of college, but also just to get me away from New Hampshire. There was a professor at my old school. Professor Jonathan Jackson. He was handsome and smart and kind.
“I would stay after class to talk with him. Eventually he invited me to a bar and we kissed. We started actually seeing each other. He was adamant on keeping it quiet because he was my teacher and could get in trouble.
“One night I texted him, he said he was feeling under the weather and wanted to cancel on a movie we'd made plans to go check out. I picked up some soup and went by his house just to make sure he was OK. Before I walked in, I heard noises and peeked through his door window. Jonathan was fucking a classmate of mine on his couch. It all started clicking. The excessive secrecy, even at his home, the occasional evasiveness, his weird after school tutoring sessions.”
This happened awhile ago, but my face got hot and my stomach turned like it did then, right before the fire. It felt like I was tearing fresh stitches open. It was so difficult to say this out loud, to face it so nakedly. “I was so blinded by rage that I hurt him the only way I could think of.”
“You kill him?” Remy's eyes opened a little wider in suspicion.
“No! Jesus, Remy... I didn't kill him!” I reflexively glanced at him in disbelief. Nothing in his expression showed any embarrassment at such an extreme assumption. Remy just patiently waited for me to resume the story. I swallowed hard and continued. My throat was sandpaper. “He had this beautiful, cherry-red Mustang. He loved that car. I would come over just to help him wash and wax it sometimes.
“I was just going to key the side of it but when looking inside, I started thinking about all the other girls he probably fucked on those black leather seats. I pried open his gas tank and lit a rag on fire. He rushed to the window when the real love of his life exploded. He saw me there in the street looking back at him while the rest of his neighbors watched the blaze. He knew it was me that did it.
“There was a trial. He told everyone that I was a crazy stalker. That I was mentally ill. Being that I had no history of any of that shit and there were no w
itnesses to actually see me do it or any other evidence, the charges were eventually dropped. My parents took it the hardest. The local media had a field day with us. 'Scorned student exacts revenge on adulterous teacher.' Guilty until proven innocent. No one looked at me or my family the same after that.
“In the end he really fucked himself over the worst. By going public with it, the university found out that Jonathan was sleeping with his students and he was let go from his job. I think he got off on it, you know? The power. He had all these girls swooning over him. I heard he even approached some of the girls that were failing his class and offered to bring their grades up for sexual favors. A real topnotch scumbag.” God, I felt so dumb that I let Jonathan hurt me so badly. I had to look away.
Remy did bad things because he needed to, or because he felt they were right or necessary. I was manipulated like a fool and just lashed out blindly. In truth, I just got lucky. I could've easily been caught. I'm still glad I burned his car—his baby. I really am. He deserved so much more.
“I have my own demons, Remy.” My upturned, watery eyes met his briefly before turning away again. He listened keenly, his dark gaze hinted at compassion. “I've always had this venomous capacity in me. I went to therapy for awhile and was able to force it all down, but I've always felt it there. This shadow-self, boiling just beneath the surface. But it's not a shadow. It's the real me! The vacant, shallow college girl is the mask. And I don't want it anymore.”
“Arson, huh? You probably would've been in my team.” Remy cracked a thin smile.
“You fucking asshole. It's not funny!” I wiped my eyes and nose.
“I know, Star, and that's a hell of a thing. That guy sounds like a real piece of work.” He put a hand on the side of my face and wiped a tear I had missed with his thumb. Then he lifted my chin to see me better. “You sure that this is what you really want? That mask will keep you safe. Once you're in this, it's damn near impossible to get back out. We're talking about the rest of your life. You might get hauled off to jail or worse. Once you get a rap sheet, legitimate jobs will be hard to come by.”
“We're sitting in a cop car that I stole.” I flashed him a smile that faded just as quick. I was still scared that he would make me leave. “I'm not fit for that world anymore. Please don't make me go back to it. Please, Remy.”
Remy leaned back to clear his head. He ran a hand over his face and hair then reached in his back pocket for his box of cigarettes. They must've fallen out in the fight with Rocks. “Ok,” he sighed with resignation. “But you do what I say when I say. Hesitation of any kind could get you killed. You hear me?”
“Yes! Yes, I hear you.” Oh thank God! I don't know what I would've done if he had said “No.”
I threw myself at him awkwardly. My pants snagged on the E-brake and I hit my ribs on the center console. There wasn't much room in the front seats of that car. Next one I stole, I'd have to remedy that. He caught me in those great arms and we fell into his fully reclined seat. I curled myself onto him as comfortably as possible. Warm and safe in his embrace, I wondered if I'd made a mistake by choosing this life with him.
I thought about all the meaningless things I'd left behind and my resolve solidified. This is where I needed to be, not on a shelf somewhere as a porcelain doll, waiting to be discarded or forgotten. In a weird way I felt like I had a future now. Granted, it was probably going to be a short and bloody future but fuck, it was mine!
“So what's next, Clyde?” I couldn't resist. I looked up to see him raise an eyebrow in a skeptical but otherwise playful expression.
“Sleep is next, Bonnie.” He shifted, pulling me into more of a small spoon position. “You have to be rested for the strip club later.”
“The what?”
He didn't say anything. I probably could've pressed him for some answers but was as exhausted as he was, and within a few minutes we were both asleep.
The doors in my dream slammed in rapid succession. Only half of them opened enough to even shut anymore. The figure at the end of the hall awaited my arrival again as I approached at ungodly speeds.
“C'mon,” Remy whispered softly into my ear. “It's time to go.”
My eyes were greeted with the blue hues of early evening twilight that flooded through the spacious, concrete walls of the parking garage. Flickering streetlights turned on for the night and scattered uneven shadows around long corners. I had a nasty cramp in my thigh from hours worth of pressure against the arm rest.
“Go where? How long were we out for?” I grumbled and rolled back onto my seat and stretched. I always had trouble waking up, no matter what time of day it was. Remy started up the car. The little digital clock in the dashboard lit up. “Seven-thirty” it read. “Where are we going?” I repeated, more coherently this time.
“To get you some lingerie.”
“Lingerie?” He had mentioned a strip club right before we passed out. “I'm going to be dancing tonight, aren't I?”
“Yes. Are you cool with that?” He was gauging my response to see if I was already backing out.
“Ok,” I replied without hesitation. I wanted to ask him all of the obvious questions but after fighting so hard to prove to him that I was worthy enough, I decided to bite my tongue. At least for now. I might be able to piece it together or nudge him into telling me. “But I'm going to need some coffee first.” There was something else eating at me though. What he said about the men fighting and the victor being the one with the last bullet. “Remy,” I asked. “Was that a quote from someone earlier?”
“Erwin Rommel. German commander in the second world war.” He yawned.
“German? So he was a Nazi. Why were you quoting a bad guy?”
“Rommel plotted to assassinate Hitler.” He looked at me intently, all the sleep brushed from his eyes. “Star, anyone on the losing end of a war is a bad guy.”
“Is that what your planning on doing? Starting a war?” I asked, trying to decode the meaning behind Remy's history lesson. I felt like I was piecing a larger story together.
“Yes.”
“The Lobos were at your motel before the cops were. We're in their territory, aren’t we? The strip club we're going to is owned by them too, isn't it? Just like the convenience store.”
“How did you know all that?” Remy was surprised but impressed.
“I heard the cops in Vegas talking about it and pieced the rest together.” I shrugged. “So what's your plan here? Why're you stirring up the bees' nest?”
“If I can convince the Lobos that the Veins are gearing up for war, and that I'm being hunted by them, they'll have reason to believe I need their protection. Then I'll just have to convince them of my value.” Remy drove us around the parking garage until we found another beat up shit box.
He got out to switch the plates again.
“How are you going to do that?” I scanned the area to make sure no one was coming.
“All I need is one more bargaining chip.”
“Ah.” And that's where I came in to all of this. “That's why we're headed to the strip club.” Remy finished screwing on the new plate and we took off. It didn't seem like he was going to offer anything else up, so I just had to ask him. I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. “You're asking me to become a stripper. It'd be crazy if I didn't at least ask you why.”
“You getting cold feet already?” He raised a skeptical eyebrow at me.
“No! I'm just... I'm a little nervous and I don't want to screw anything up. I've never done something like this before.”
“What's left of Lorenzo's team is out looking for me. They're going to find me at Teasers. When they do, you're going to be my eyes and ears. You'll let me know where they are and how many are there, then you're going to have to distract them. I need to get Lorenzo alone. But most importantly, I'll need you to give me this when I ask for it.” Remy tapped the handle of his pistol. “They don't search strippers.”
“Oh.” I smiled. I kinda felt like a spy on a secret mission
. “I take it Lorenzo has the chip you need?
“No. Lorenzo is the chip. The Lobos hate the Veins but Bones, the current President of the club, especially hates Lorenzo. If I can deliver Lorenzo, I'll have proved that I'm trustworthy.”
“Why don't we just run away, maybe go to Canada? Why do all this?”
“The Steel Veins used to be a brotherhood I loved more than anything else in this world. We protected the community and each other. All the violence was justified. We had a purpose. A code. They were my family.”
“So why fight them? Let's just leave!” The concept of that kind of family was hard to wrap my head around.
“Any beloved relative of yours ever get cancer?”
“Yeah, my Grandpa Bob.”
“You brought him to the hospital and got him treatment, right?”
I blinked. “Yes, of course!”
“Deadeye's gone soft over the years and allowed low men like Lorenzo and even his shitty kid, Rio, into the club. These men are the cancer that's killing the greatness of the Steel Veins. I'm going to be the scalpel and radiation. I'm going to use the Lobos' resources to cut off the dead limbs in the Veins and then destroy the Lobos from the inside.”
“Will the Veins accept you back if you pull this off? You did kill Deadeye's son.”
“I don't know. Rommel was eventually linked to the conspiracy against Hitler. He allowed himself to be executed for high treason so that his family and staff may live.” He'd obviously thought about this for a long time. “If the scalpel is discarded after the cancer is removed, then so be it.”
“What about me?” I asked weakly. That glorious moment when he defied his whole club felt tarnished now. Had he said 'Nay' because he chose me over them, or had he done it because he chose the old Steel Veins over the new? The way Remy described it did make it sound like a better club. More honorable. I could recognize how noble it was, regardless, but a part of me still felt betrayed. I selfishly wanted that moment all to myself.
He saw the budding sadness weigh heavily on my features and raised my chin. Then he kissed me. His lips were full to bursting with passion, born not of lusty attraction but of something infinitely deeper. The way his mouth worked and his hands held me... In his embrace, I truly understood how much he cared for me. It didn't have to be me or the Veins. It could be both. I think I had a new favorite moment.
