“Austin told me about you. I’ll give you a discount” he sighs, flipping the folder around and writing an alternative number on it. I move the few steps towards the table before taking the pen from him and signing on the dotted line.
Not even a half hour later and I’m out the door, the purr of the bike between my thighs and the wind in my hair. Okay, well not in my hair but figuratively speaking if I didn’t have a bloody helmet on. Jock insisted, and I gave the bastard his wish to not kill myself on his car lots drive way. I’d just do it later instead.
My first paycheck was already spent, and I’d be broke for the rest of the month but I didn’t care. I needed out of the bay for a while, Luna would haunt me with her intoxicating scent and the sea just reminded me of her. Funny how that happened. The sky always reminded me of Aurora, the Sea of Luna. There was no escaping the two women who’d managed to wiggle their way into my gut and plant a goddamned seed there, both of them growing and intertwining around my heart. My chest burned with memories of them both, conflicted over what one I should feel precedent over. It killed me how I’d forgotten what Aurora’s voice sounded like, how she smelled although I recall it being sweet. There was a time when I could pick her out of a crowd, know her anywhere. It’s been so long since I’ve heard her voice, 10 years ago technology wasn’t what it is today. Her parents hate me enough to keep sentimental things from me. The last thing they allowed me to do for her was help them with her funeral. They hated that I’d gotten her pregnant, it was all my fault and I believed them. I could never apologize for what I’d done to their daughter. The Walker’s didn’t have to say it to my face, their words would have only confirmed what their eyes were screaming. Luna didn’t deserve the same fate. How would I tell her mother that I’d taken her last living relative from her? Mrs. Perry had been nothing but kind to me this past week, making us food when Luna and I drove up to town to grab stock and supplies, it was then that I’d learned that Luna didn’t know her father. That broke me a little, the guilt that I’d thought of her as a daddy’s girl niggled at me for days. I knew that pain and I wasn’t about to take it from another living soul. If I had any enemies, I wouldn’t even wish this on them. It’s harder than ending it all. The pain, day after day kills you bit by bit. Maybe that’s why I hadn’t done it, it was my own version of self-punishment.
No amount of training or running could make me strong enough to withstand the emotional tolls of life. No matter how many weights I lifted or how many miles I ran I could never outrun the demons of my past. They were glued to us like nasty gremlins, constantly whispering in your ear, reminding you that you fucked up and you’d never ever get over it.
Only, as I rode the blood red Ducati Superbike through town, knowing full well I’ve just blown the next ten years’ paychecks on the damned thing, I feel free. As if the superfast speeds this bike reaches blows all of those gremlins from my skin, giving me something to cling onto other than pain. The shock of realization has me swerving out of the way of on oncoming car. The feeling of the bike purring beneath my palms feels the same as Luna did, the adrenaline, all-consuming feeling of nearly fucking dying has me in bits.
The promenade disappeared in the blink of an eye, taking me to the edge of town right to the cabin and back again. On my third ride, the hum of the engine growing louder as I revved the handlebars, I took my time, taking in the wind blowing against my clothes before I come to a stop outside the bar when I see Gus opening for the day. I wanted so badly to keep going, hoping that I could somehow blow Luna off of my mind, but the old man helped me get this far, I wouldn’t even be in Delia if it wasn’t for him. I didn’t know whether I should be grateful or resentful to him for that.
“Gus!” I holler at the old man as he walks through the front door. I’d pulled the bike to a stop beside the curb, resting it on the footstep.
“Reid?” he chuckles, glancing at the beautiful bike I’m currently straddling.
“You bought a bike?” he smiles so wide he almost blinds me.
“Yes sir” I nod, taking my helmet from my head.
“Damn, she’s nice son” he brushes his hand along her shiny surface.
“Ya know, I used to ride?” his old eyes sparkle with memories.
“No way, really?” I smile at him, wanting so badly to take him for a ride.
“Totally. Those were the days huh?” he glances at me, his face a mask of total pride.
“You enjoy her” he slaps my arm with his arthritic hand.
“Glad you approve” I chuckle before turning the engine on again.
“Oh, and Reid” Gus calls, leaning out of the doorway to the bar.
“Yeah?”
“You need anything, you come to me okay?” his eyes full of wisdom penetrate straight through me and I can only manage a somber nod in return. What it is down here with people seeing right through me? It must be the air in Delia fucking with my head or something. I wrap the helmet around the handlebars by the straps and rev the engine, feeling the beauty vibrate all around me. I suck in a lungful of adrenaline, if today is the day I die then so be it. Delia and Luna are better off without a dark soul like me anyway. I pull out onto the street, dodging cars as I do. This isn’t my first rodeo, I had a bike before I had a car. Well, technically I’ve never actually owned a car, rather borrowed them from unsuspecting patrons whenever I needed them. Living in a city like Bancroft it’s inevitable that you’ll get sucked into the wrong crowds at some point in your life. I head up towards the town, the long, winding road shadowed by trees. It really is beautiful down here in comparison to the dull grey backdrop of Bancroft. It’s peaceful but loud enough that it’s not boring. I round a few bends, getting a feel for the bike and the way I should flex my body around her. That’s the thing with motorbikes, you become a part of it the second your ass hits the seat. You’re a couple, not individuals, you have to work together to get the steering right or it just doesn’t work. The road was dry already, even after yesterday’s downpour making my ride smoother than ever. As I rounded the last bend I had to swerve around a fallen tree branch, but I righted myself just as the sight of a parked car up front had me slowing my girl down. The cream-colored Chevy had me slowing to almost complete stop. There was only one Chevy like that in town and it belonged to the girl I’d all but abandoned last night.
This entire week I hadn’t felt a single hint of the pain that was in my chest right now. Guilt had wracked me like nothing else but pain? No. Luna was my Band-Aid. It was natural that I pulled over, I couldn’t fucking leave her on the side of the road, could I?
Messy blonde curls came into view first as I pulled alongside her, calling to me like bright neon lights in the dark, my own lies blinding me as I slow to a complete stop. The paleness of her usually tanned skin had me dismounting my bike before I even turned the engine off.
“Luna?” I go to her, my arms reaching out to catch her as she falls into me. The assault of her scent on my scenes nearly has me doubling over but I lock my knees and keep her upright.
“Luna are you alright?” I move our bodies, so I can look at her face, searching her for any obvious signs of hurt.
“No” she sniffles, her cute little button nose scrunching up, tears streaming down her face.
“I need to get to the hospital” she swipes the back of her hand across her cheek, catching the stray droplets of water from her eyes.
“Why little dove?” the endearment comes naturally as I grip her arms tightly in my hands.
“Mama” is all she manages to say before her pretty face scrunches up again and she bursts out crying. Folding her into my chest, I wrap my arm around her, pulling her towards her Chevy until she forces herself away from me.
“It won’t work. I broke down” she sniffles again, slicing at my already butchered chest.
“Get on the bike” I nod in the direction of the machine that has the look of confusion painting on her face. I grab the helmet from the handlebars and pull it onto her head, securing it tightly u
nder chin.
It’s probably the first and last time I ride the beast with caution, I want to kill myself not Luna. I had a million questions running through my head, but she seemed to upset to answer any of them. Instead I concentrate on the road ahead. What if someone had picked me up on a bike that night? Would I have gotten the chance to say goodbye? I torture myself, I know I do. It’s the least I deserve.
I pull up outside the emergency room, dropping Luna off with a nod until she turns around inches from the door. Big baby blues search mine and I immediately know what she’s silently asking me.
“I’ll just go and park” I smile softly, and she nods in response. I never want to see that look in her eyes again. Full of fear and the unknowing, I know what that feels like, the splinters digging themselves into your skin, beneath your fingernails is agony.
I park the bike up and jog into the hospital, seeking out the woman who’s destined to make or break me. I’m gathering the latter because I can’t get out of my own damned head.
It’s times like these I wish there was a phone to call a dead person, just one question could change the entire course of my life...One sodding question.
Could I have done anything differently?
Heart Attacks & Leather Jackets
I WAS NUMB. FROM THE second I’d hung up the phone to Mama’s neighbor, the one who called me this morning to tell me she’d been rushed to hospital after they found her unconscious on her living room floor, I couldn’t feel anything. From the tips of my fingers to the ends of my toes, once the fear and panic had dissipated I went into shock.
I’d cried myself to sleep last night after Reid left, he hurt me, but I knew deep down it wasn’t his intention. He needed space and I gave it to him. Early this morning I met Rach at the shop to help her set up for the day and that’s where I left her when I ran to my car.
On today of all days it decided to break down. Never, not once has my gorgeous Chevy failed me, but when she started to stutter on the road up to town I knew it was going to be one of those days where everything and anything was going to work against me.
I’d only just pulled over when the rumble of the bike grew closer. I swiped at my eyes to see who was coming around the bend, the tall, dark trees in my way.
My knight in shining armor came around that kink in the road in the form of an inked bad boy on a ferocious red monster with two wheels. The lightning speed he was doing had the bike roaring beneath him, but as soon as he spotted me he slowed before coming to a complete stop beside me. I wanted to ask so badly about his new bike, but words failed me and I all I could do was sob.
Everything was going wrong suddenly and the one place I needed to be I couldn’t get to.
Somehow, I must have told him what was going on because now I was at the hospital, running through the bleached corridors to find Mama.
“Luna” I hear Cash call out to me from my left, so I turn that way and walk up to a small reception desk.
“Hey, she’ll be alright” he grabs my arm gently, his kind eyes soft and caring.
“What happened?”
“The doctors are with her now, they suspect it was a heart attack”
“What?” I gawp at him, my knees turning to jelly and my legs barley holding me up.
“We don’t know for sure yet, but that’s what all her symptoms suggest. Let’s sit you down while we wait okay?” he leads me to a room just off to the side, guiding me gently with a hand at my back. Not a second later and Reid is stood in the doorway, his large frame taking up most of the space.
“What’s going on?” he looks between me and Cash with questioning eyes. Cash dressed in his Doctor’s scrubs squeezes my hand before he stands and talks to Reid outside. I don’t even try to listen to their hushed tones, I feel like my world has just been ripped from under my feet. I knew that Mama didn’t look right when I visited her the other day. I couldn’t put my finger on it and now all I could think of was what if I’d stayed with her?
Granted I couldn’t have done anything to stop her having a heart attack, but I could have been there for her. I don’t know if she was lying on her goddamned floor all night while I was curled up in a ball crying and wallowing in self-pity over a guy who doesn’t realize the meaning of what he’s become to me in just a few days. It was just sex. With feelings. A lot of fucking feelings, well, on my part at least and what a mistake that had turned out to be.
And the worst part right now? I don’t even have Mama to go and complain about it to. It’s times like these that I really need her famous hot chocolate and shit TV shows.
When I was growing up the only family I had was Mama and Nana. Pops died when I was just a little girl and my father was never in the picture. It was always times like these that I’d wish I wasn’t an only child, that somehow, I’d have someone beside me that knew what was going on or who could at least understand what I was going through.
My Nana helped raise me when Mama went out to work. I’d spend countless hours at her house, helping her bake and playing out in the garden. The old oak tree out back even had a tyre swing that I would spend hours on each day until Mama would drag me home for a bath. I loved her more than anything, she did everything she could for me. I knew that she worked extra hours at the diner in town whenever it was my Birthday or Christmas, but she hid it well.
We never struggled, we had everything we needed and that was always enough.
When I was a teenager she held me when I cried over boys, fought with me when I gave her attitude and then came up to my room with her famous hot chocolate to make everything all better again.
That was my Mama. My best friend. I couldn’t lose her today. I don’t know what I’d do, I just knew deep down it wasn’t her time yet.
When I’m done reminiscing in my own head, I feel Reid pull me into his arms. The warmth of his skin bleeds into mine and I find comfort in his embrace. I was wrong about needing someone to understand what I’m going through right now. I never needed him because he’s already here, next to me, holding me while I cry silent tears and hope my Mama pulls through this. I hadn’t even notice him come back into the room I was so lost in my own head.
I want to talk to him about what happened last night. I don’t want to push him too hard, but how do you make him see that it’s okay to get over it without using those exact words? I know he’ll never get over losing Aurora and the baby, but doesn’t he deserve to be happy? Everyone deserves a second chance at love. It’s human. It’s raw and it hurts but isn’t the end prize always worth all of that?
We still have so much to learn about each other that I don’t want what we have to end. I want to know the secrets behind Reid’s eyes, the ones I know he desperately wants to tell me but is afraid to. I’ll never judge him on his life, he’s a good man deep down he just hides behind his pain and ink.
A slicing pain spreads across my chest as I realize the amount of hurt Reid feels every day. He didn’t just lose one person, he lost his entire life. Everything. When you really think about it, who can live without absolutely nothing? No one?
I get a smidgen of the same pain Reid has, nothing in comparison to the real thing and suddenly I realize that what he needs most in the world is time. Time and a friend. Someone to listen to him, to talk to him and hold him. The things he’s gone without for almost ten years.
Not some emotional girl who he’s slept with a handful of times to pressure him into something he’s clearly not ready for.
I can’t force him to tell me all of his worries, but I can keep pushing him to realize that there are people out there that do care about him. My heart and my head are almost torn in two with the current situation, but I’m just grateful that Reid’s here. I’ll just have to tackle one problem at a time, starting with Mama.
After what felt like an eternity, Cash came back with another doctor and showed us through to her room. I was a ball of nerves as the door opened, showing the vibrant, lively woman I know and love all wrapped up in the bed with wires s
prouting off here, there and everywhere. The faint beep of the monitor beside her rings in my ears. To my surprise she smiles softly at me and I find myself rushing towards her.
“Oh, Mama” I hold her face gently between my hands, brushing a stray lock of hair away with my thumb.
“I was so worried” I search her face for any signs of pain but come up empty.
“I’m okay darling girl” she wraps her fingers around my wrists, pushing me to sit down on the bed beside her with what little strength she has left.
“We’re just going to monitor her for a few days and run some tests” Cash says from beside me, his hands held together in front of him.
“But she should make a full recovery” he smiles softly, glancing between the two of us. It was only then that I realized that Reid hadn’t followed me in. I glance beyond Cash and see him with Austin and Rachel out in the waiting room. Turning my attention back to mama, I pepper her face in kisses until she shoves me off.
“Enough you gremlin!” she laughs, “I’ll be okay” she stares me dead in the eyes and smiles.
“I know Mama” You have to be.
Fireflies & Night Skies
I COULDN’T HANDLE SEEING the pain in Luna’s eyes. It hit too close to home and felt like a stray bullet lodging itself in my heart. It only confirmed my worst fears, I was like a bad omen. If anyone got close to me bad shit would happen to them. It was for this fucking reason I couldn’t allow myself to get close to her.
Delia Bay Page 15
