I THOUGHT I WAS BETTER off quitting than dragging the rest of the world down with me but unbeknown to me I’d already pulled them down, rubbed their faces in all my dirty shit and then left them to deal with me walking away. Again.
I’d seen what the world was, how harsh it could be and I sure as hell never thought I’d be putting myself through it all again. What if in the off chance that something happened to Luna? Or to this baby?
What would I do then?
There’s only so much left of my aching heart, if anything else was to rip it to shreds I’d never survive it. I’d jump off Everest just to make sure I was dead.
In the short time it had been since Charlie and George had visited things had started to settle. The churning in my stomach had eased off, the pain there was only replaced by the nerves of Luna being pregnant. I hadn’t questioned her about the paternity again, it was stupid, selfish notion to begin with and I hoped that one day she could forgive me for even asking.
I was trying my best to keep myself together on the drive up to Bancroft. I had to visit their graves, I knew that even before George and Charlie had told me so. I always believed that going to see a stone with their names delicately carved into it would make it all too real, that it would mean there was no chance of them ever coming back to me, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen now. Ten years later, there was nothing left of them all but memories.
Beautiful, gut-wrenching memories that would haunt me forever, the same ones I would replay every time I got the chance and cherish with all my heart.
Life is too short to dwell on the past, I realize that now but it’s important not to forget too. I learnt a valuable life lesson when I was a teenager, it just took me a while to accept it.
I knew what Luna’s plan was even before she pulled up outside the cemetery. My girl knew that if she told me this was the purpose of this trip that I would have kept putting it off until she dragged me here by my hair. Telling me that she wanted to come to the city under the premise of Christmas shopping was one of the worse lies she could have told. I know Luna likes handmade gifts for Christmas, ones she’s bought at the market or ones she’s spent hours making herself, but I let her have this one. That little dove has put so much energy into me these past few months I owed her this. I owed it to myself and to my past.
It was time to lay it to rest, to relive, to forget, to hurt and to love.
I didn’t need to go to heaven to see Aurora, the baby or my parents. Aurora sent it down for me and Luna opened my eyes to see it. I was already in heaven, I’d never get over the past, but I could live with it. I had enough love around me to know that I’d never go without. Aurora had made sure I knew the highest standards of love, it was just Luna who delivered that love. It was meant to be this way, Aurora was my daybreak, Luna was my forever after, even in the darkest of days she’d always guide me home.
The city was bright today, the rain clouds from this morning having disappeared into the distance leaving a damp smell in the cold air. Luna pulled the car over next to the sidewalk to looming city graveyard just off to the side with its overgrown trees that were lacking a few leaves, the ground strewn in the concoction of colors instead.
The second I round the cab to meet her on the sidewalk her hand is in mine, cold and uncovered by the gloves she’s been wearing non-stop this week.
“Where are your gloves?”
“I don’t need them” she smiles up at me, the woolen grey beanie she has on falling slightly from the back of her head while long blonde locks fall over her shoulders.
The ground around their graves is covered in tiny little snowdrop flowers, their white heads just forming at the top of long green stems.
“They’re flowering early this year” Luna says quietly beside me before she bends to grasp the tiny petals between her delicate fingers.
“They represent hope apparently” she tilts her head up to face me, the sun hitting her face and making her squint in the blinding light. I love how she does that, turns every shitty situation into something better, something I can cope with.
“They were her favorite” I nod in the direction of the plant, the few hundred others scattered around makes me feel slightly better about leaving my girl here.
“Aurora will always be my girl” I bend, kneeling next to Luna and eyeing up the highly polished black headstone.
“But you’ll always be my woman” I glance at the little dove beside me, her wild hair blowing slightly in the wind and that small smile that spreads across her face, the same one she gives you when she thinks you just handed her the entire world has me pulling her under my arm and holding her tightly.
“Your love with Aurora was pure, Reid. But what we have is different, and that’s okay” she rests her head on my chest, the fluffy ball of wool at the end of her hat scratching at my beard.
“Thank you. For making me come here”
“Shall we leave these flowers?” she holds up the bunch of pure white roses that she’d picked up from the flower shop in Delia earlier this morning, always one step ahead of me this one.
“Sure” I take the flowers from her, getting to my feet and untying the elastic that was holding the stems together and separate the bunches. I put a handful into the tiny pot on my parents’ graves, brushing away some fallen leaves as I do before repeating the same on Aurora’s grave.
I hold one perfectly white rose back, inhaling the fresh smell for longer that you usually would before placing it on top of the grave.
“One for my little poppy” I kiss my palm before laying it flat on the grave, the soil damp and cold beneath my skin but I try not to think of that. My babies are all cuddled up together, forever.
“That’s really sweet Reid” Luna tucks herself back into my side, her strength radiating straight into my skin. I don’t know that I would have been able to do this without her, maybe that’s why I couldn’t come here for all these years.
“You have to remember the good times. Aurora will forever be young and beautiful Reid, you just have to let her rest” Luna mumbles into my chest, but I can’t tear my eyes away from seeing their names permanently etched onto stone, the dates of their births and deaths beneath them was too final for me. I hated it. But with Luna by my side I could slowly start to accept it. There was no going back in time, no reshuffling the cards I was dealt, instead I had to play the ones in my hands.
I couldn’t complain, really could I? I’d had my fair share of shit, it was about time I got something good out of life. That something good came in the shape of Luna and the tiny baby that would be in our arms soon enough. I refused to think of the negatives, it would only drive me into a downward spiral I could never afford to fall into. There would be no going back if I ever sunk that low again and I couldn’t do it to Luna.
I’d been dragging my feet for the past ten years, it was time to dust off my boots and become the man I’d promised I’d be to Aurora all of those years ago. Only this time, I’d be the man Luna needed and wanted all the while keeping my first love locked away forever safely in my heart.
Final Goodbye’s & Sparkly Skies
I DIDN’T THINK MY HEART could ache anymore, but the second Reid had placed that pure, white flower on the grave it had squeezed tightly in my chest. Life was cruel, but I had to swallow past my raging hormones and emotions to be strong for him. I hadn’t told him we weren’t Christmas shopping in the city, I knew he wouldn’t have come if I’d mentioned the graveyard.
It was done now. Reid had taken the leap of faith with me holding his hand the whole way and I could tell he felt a little better about it. The graves were somewhere he could come and talk to Aurora and his parents, somewhere he could remember all the times they shared instead of bottling it all up in his head. Granted, he hated the counselling sessions he had been attending begrudgingly over the past few weeks, but it seemed to be helping.
I stepped back on the frost covered grass to give Reid some space, the soil crunching under my feet. I dipped my
chin into the thick woolen scarf wrapped tightly around my neck, hiding my face from the bitter wind chill.
“Thank you” Reid turns on his boot to face me, the faint ghost of a smile dances across his lips. He looked delicious in his new winter clothes that I’d ordered for him, the thick, woolen coat with the upturned collar suited his bad boy look to a T.
“Come on, let’s get you out of the cold” he wraps his one arm over my shoulder and pulls me into the crook of his side before guiding me back towards the car. Glancing over his shoulder one last time, the sad look in his eyes seems less prominent now and doesn’t that just make me proud.
No words were needed after that. Not after he planted a soft kiss to my forehead before opening the passenger door for me, or when he rounded my truck to jump into the driver side.
“You know I only let special people drive my baby, right?” I tsk as he turns the key in the ignition.
“Well, I guess I’m pretty fucking special then” he smirks, the wrinkles around his eyes and mouth deepening as he does.
“You’re beautiful when you smile” I smile back at him, but he just rolls his eyes at me.
“Men” I tut before pulling my seatbelt across myself and settling in for the long drive back to the bay.
I didn’t know what to say, things were finally looking as if they might just be okay.
Yes, I’d had a hectic few months, but I would go through it all again if it meant I ended up here with Reid. The town was busy as we drove through it tonight, the stores up here were all preparing for the Christmas Market that was kicking off tomorrow. I don’t know how I’d managed to convince Reid that I wanted to go to the city to shop for Christmas gifts when I always bought them or made them here. The people of Delia were big on Christmas, it was a time for everyone to gather together and forget about work and other commitments. I had been slowly changing the store front of Moonbeams into the winter wonderland I so badly wanted it to look like but tonight I’d get to finish it up.
Christmas was only a few weeks away and between everything I hadn’t even started to get gifts for people. Usually I’d be prepared months in advance, well before Halloween even but this year the whole months of October and November had just flown by in the blink of an eye.
“Ready for tomorrow?” Reid glances my way, the Christmas tree for the town was having the finishing touches added to it just outside the town hall. The too-big baubles were glowing with the fairy lights draped all around it.
“I think so” I smile softly. “I just need to get the shop ready”
“Well, that’s what I’m here for. Rach has the shit Christmas music ready, the eggnog and the alcohol-free version for you” he smirks, and I roll my eyes. Not that I cared, I’d give up anything for this baby. Even surfing, which I knew would have to come to an end eventually.
Honestly, as much of a shock my pregnancy was, it was a blessing, one that Reid had needed for so long. I was giving my life to give him this, and I’d do it time and time again if I had to.
THE NEXT DAY CAME AND went in a blur of fake snow and Christmas wrapping. The shop was stocked to the brim with organic, alternative gift ideas, some that I’d ordered and some that I’d made. My favorite this year were the hand-knit scarves that came in a variety of colors that I’d managed to find and order from an online store. It was odd living next to the beach at Christmas, but for me, I loved it. The icy sea air mixed with the wall of heat I’d hit in my apartment always made me smile.
“We need to get Christmas trees” I mumble around my spoon after lapping up the delicious melted chocolate from it. Reid had made us a simmering pan of hot chocolate on his stove and I’d relished in the sickly goodness that now coated my belly.
“Plural?” Reid lifts his head from the counter where he’d been resting it on his forearm. The poor man was exhausted from working these pasts few nights, punters in the Christmas spirit had him up till gone three am most mornings.
“Well, yeah” I shrug, dropping my spoon into my cup.
“I need one for the apartment and you need one for here” I glance around the cabin, the warm glow bouncing off the walls from the fire companied with the wall lamps has it feeling cozier than ever. It takes Reid a few seconds to say anything but the smirk he has on his lips when my eyes land back on him and the green twinkle in his eyes that has slowly been coming back to life with each passing day has me raising an eyebrow in his direction. I know Reid by now, if he’s in a good mood he’s usually in the mood to play with me and the man plays well.
“What?”
Inked hands make their way across the kitchen island before wrapping themselves around mine, I flick my eyes between them and the man who’s stolen my soul.
“You practically live here, sell the apartment” his deep voice washes over my body, my skin prickles with heat and my tummy rolls with excitement. The sudden tensing in my lower abdomen has me clutching at it, the horror in Reid’s eyes makes me panic slightly before I burst out laughing.
“It’s kicking” I smile, widely as another thud hits my insides.
“The baby, it’s kicking” I squeal as I round the counter and plant myself in front of him.
“What? Really?” he fails to hide his smile as I drag his large palms to my belly. It takes a second or two, but the second Reid feels that tiny movement deep inside me he smiles the brightest smile I ever did see.
Even through my thin tank top the baby’s movements have Reid’s palms spreading across my skin, eager to feel more. I can do nothing but stand there watching this beautiful man feel one of life’s most precious things right beneath his fingers. The light in his green eyes surges and explodes, it’s almost as if I’m witnessing the life changing moment that I’ve wanted for Reid since I first met him all those months ago.
“I’ll sell the apartment” The words leave my lips without thought, I never needed to think on them anyway. I practically lived here at the cabin and with the baby on the way it made sense obviously. Besides, waking up next to Reid each morning was a blessing, going to sleep beside him every night was something I wanted to do for the rest of time.
“Home is wherever you are” I whisper as I reach up and brush his long locks from his eyes, my thumb brushing down his cheek as he moves his eyes to mine.
“I love you” I smile before reaching up on my toes to brush my lips across his.
Reid moves his hands to my hips, the dip there still slightly visible against my ever-growing waist line. I tilt my head as he deepens the kiss, before his lips part and his tongue darts between them.
Instinctively mine part, making room for him to delve into my mouth and taste all of my secrets. I want to share everything with Reid, all the tiny, little bits of life that seem so meaningless when you’re alone seem so much more important with him around. Even with my hands in his hair and his tongue dancing with mine I still can’t get enough of him.
The low growl that hums from his lips to mine has my hairs standing on edge as the vibrations make their way to my toes.
“Luna, we have to get ready” he mumbles against my lips after pulling his head away slightly but my hands in his hair stop him from getting very far.
“Mm, a few more minutes” I swipe my tongue across his lips once more, silently asking to be let in. Reid doesn’t protest, not that he ever does but I allow myself one last taste of him before pulling away reluctantly.
“Do we have to go?” I lay my forehead against his, the laugh vibrating from him travelling straight to my core.
“Your Mama will string me up by my balls if we’re late” he mumbles making me sigh.
“She wouldn’t. Ma’ loves you” I kiss the tip of his nose quickly before pulling away and heading towards the bedroom.
He’s right after all, we were supposed to be meeting Mama at the Christmas Market up in town before taking her for dinner tonight. I shoved my legs into a pair of jeans, laughing when I could barely do the button up around my growing belly before I shrugged it off and shoved my
feet into my boots. A lot of things would be changing around here soon, especially if I was moving up to the cabin.
I wouldn’t lie and say I was scared, I was fucking terrified but elated at the same time.
Popping & Snowing
DECEMBER WAS BY FAR my favorite month in Delia. Everyone from Town seemed to descend on the bay each evening when people from neighboring towns flocked to the market and they wanted to get away from the craziness of Christmas. The bar was busy, and Moonbeam was almost out of Christmas stock. The snow sweeping the country had cut off a lot of access roads into Delia and Lordell so getting stock was proving difficult for my girl. I didn’t dare tell her that I was marginally grateful because that meant she could spend more time with me than at the shop.
The mixture of sea salt and the spices of Christmas wafted the bay for days on end. The mixture of berries and cinnamon burned my nose every time I opened up the bar. Gus had been slowly lessening his hours down here, instead opting to sit up in his place with his new-found love for the old girl next door. I couldn’t blame him, if I had the choice I’d be doing the exact same thing with my girl, except I had a baby on the way and needed as much cash as I could get. God knows the little blighters drain your bank accounts faster than you can sneeze.
I shoved my hands into the pockets in the new jacket Luna had sneakily bought for me, the wool inside them keeping my hands toasty warm. Who knew the little dove was always right when it came to everything? There was no way my trusty denim jacket would have protected me against these gusts of wind. I hadn’t ridden my bike down to the bar for the past few days, the road conditions weren’t the best and believe it or not I wasn’t exactly on the same self-destruct path as I had been a few months ago.
The cabin was all lit up with the girlish Christmas lights Luna had made me hang up a few weeks ago. The Christmas Tree that had been strapped into the bed of her Chevy and lugged into the cabin by none other than me stood proudly in the window, bright white lights shooting beams off here and there and a bazillion ornaments that were bound to be a choking hazard to the little one once they arrived sat atop the branches.
Delia Bay Page 28
