by Jill Shalvis
Ben let out a rough, disbelieving sound, then cupped the back of her head, gently holding her still as he shifted his mouth toward hers.
Move, Rachel told herself, and she did—closer, matching up their lips. It was unfathomable, unthinkable. He had no business touching her, and she had no business wanting him to, but she did. Oh, how she did.
The first light touch of lip to lip dissolved her bones, and all the pain with it. Needing the balance, she put out her right hand, gripping his chest. Beneath his shirt, his heart thumped steadily. A bit dazed now, she simply stared up at him.
With a soft murmur of her name, he changed the angle of her head and connected again. His mouth was warm, firm, giving, so beautifully giving that her eyes drifted shut and she lost her ability to put words together, to do anything but feel.
His tongue lightly stroked her lips. Struck by a familiarity and strangeness all at once, she moaned, then again when a slow, deep thrust of his tongue liquefied her. She fisted her fingers in his shirt, holding him close, making him groan deep in his throat.
The sound was raw, staggeringly sensual, but then he was pulling back, letting out a slow breath.
She did the same, but it didn’t change the fact she could still taste him and wanted, needed, more.
But that had never been their problem, the wanting.
“Your bedroom,” he said a little roughly.
“The next room down.”
He moved behind her, gripped her chair. Once inside, he stopped. There was a picture hanging on the wall, an eight-by-ten from two years before, of Emily wearing a sundress, beaming from ear to ear, holding up her elementary school diploma. Her eyes sparkled with such joy, such life, it hurt to even look at her, but Rachel looked anyway, just as she sensed Ben looking.
Did he see it? The resemblance, not so much physical, though that was there, too, but the very essence? The soul? It must have been like looking in a mirror.
God knows their daughter hadn’t gotten her sense of adventure and spirit from Rachel. Before Ben, she’d had nothing like that until he’d come along and had shared his. He’d done more than share: he’d somehow gotten so close, he’d breathed his very being into her, bringing her to life during the time they’d had together.
But Emily…she’d been full of life from day one.
“She’s beautiful,” Ben said quietly. “Like you.”
“Ben—”
“Let’s get you into bed.”
For a moment she thought he’d said “let’s get into bed,” and her heart jerked. Yes.
No.
But when he came to stand in front of her, his face was grim, so obviously her brain was messing with her again. “Don’t try to move,” he said. “I’ll lift you.”
She stopped breathing, realizing just that very second what his being here really meant. He was going to have to help her, look at her.
Touch her.
Before the panic fully gripped her, he moved, not toward her, but to her dresser, where he randomly opened one of her drawers. Shaking his head at the rows of socks, he closed it and opened another.
“What are you looking for?”
He lifted a loose, flowing silky camisole and matching bottoms, and his eyebrows at the same time. “Wow.”
The two pieces were the palest of blue, softer than baby’s breath, and her favorite thing to sleep in. And yet dangling from his long fingers, the innocent pj’s suddenly seemed like the sexiest things she’d ever seen.
She was not putting them on.
“You used to wear buttoned-up-to-the-chin flannel to bed, remember?”
“I was a kid.”
Something flickered in his eyes. “Not so much.”
Before she could come up with something to say to that, he’d tossed the pj’s on his shoulder and started toward her.
In spite of the exhaustion, the pain, she managed to shake her head. “I am not putting that on for you.”
He turned down her bed and laughed, a low, husky sound that grated at every hormone in her entire body. “You’re right about that. You’re putting it on for you.”
“Ben.”
“Rachel,” he mimicked, then in opposition to his easygoing toughness, he slid his arms around her, making her breath back up in her throat, making every single thought dance right out of her head.
“Easy now,” he murmured. “It’s loose and stretchy, so it should go on easily.” And gently, so gently she felt like she was being lifted by air, he rose with her in his arms. “Okay?” His eyes roamed her features, his mouth tight in concern.
A concern she didn’t want. “Put me down.”
He did, on the bed, and a myriad of things hit her at once. Pain from the jarring, no matter how careful he’d been. Comfort from the feel of her own bed after so many weeks. And sheer overwhelming devastation from the feel of his hands on her.
Then he reached for the buttons on her short-sleeved blouse. She let out a sound that make his gaze jerk up to hers.
“You can’t undress yourself,” he said reasonably.
“I’ll— I’ll sleep in my clothes.”
“Oh, that’ll be comfortable.” He looked into her stubborn face and sighed, stroking a light finger over her cheekbone. “You’re wearing your exhaustion like a coat. Just let me help you.”
She opened her mouth and he put his finger to it. “There was a time you let me help you with anything. Remember?”
She didn’t want to remember, but somehow his touch, like his kiss, insinuated itself past her bone deep weariness and pain, and struck her like a bolt of awareness lightning. “Get Emily. She’ll help me.”
Slowly Ben shook his head and removed the bunny slippers Emily had put on her feet at the hospital. “She’s making you dinner. Mac and cheese. She’s under the impression you’re going to bounce right back now that you’re home. Bringing her up here now, when you look half a breath away from death, would only scare her.”
She closed her eyes when his fingers brushed over her buttons again, squeezed them tighter as he pulled the blouse open and gently off her shoulders, past the cast on her arm, taking such slow, aching, tender care with her broken body she felt her eyes burn.
No. No falling apart until you’re alone.
He unhooked her bra and slid it off before pulling the stretchy, laced pj’s top over her head, very tenderly guiding her casted arm through the wide armhole. The material tugged at her nipples, and a shocking bolt of desire streaked through her.
Her eyes flew open, met his. Once upon a time he’d caused that reaction, in quite different circumstances. Did he remember? Judging from the strain in his face, the slight tremble to his hands as he dragged her loose pants down her legs, hardly shifting her casted leg at all, he did remember.
Determined to feel nothing as he pulled on her pj’s bottoms, then covered her up with the comforter on her bed, she concentrated on breathing, concentrated on not going down memory lane every single time she so much as glanced at him.
He moved off the bed and opened her bedroom window, letting in some of the early evening breeze. And unbidden, another memory hit her. Him crossing her bedroom just like he was now, his tall, lanky form turning to shoot her a crooked grin as he eased open her window and swung a leg over the sill at the crack of dawn, preparing to leave after a long, forbidden night of touching, kissing, talking, loving.
Now, Ben’s mouth curved wryly with the same memory. “I guess this time I can use the door instead of nearly killing myself climbing down the trellis. Remember?”
Her body shuddered. It was damn hard to feel nothing, to refuse to go down memory lane with him saying “Remember?” in that sexy voice every two minutes. “Tell me again why you have to do this, Ben. Why you have to stay.”
He turned away. “Do you really think that little of me, that you believe I wouldn’t?”
“I think you’re crazy if you expect me to fall for the reasoning that you want to be here, in South Village, tied to one house, one spot, when
everything within you yearns to be on the move.”
He moved to the door. “Well, then, call me crazy.”
“But why? You can’t want to be here.”
“This has nothing to do with what I want.” He glanced at her over his shoulder. “Just get better. Get better and it’ll be over before you know it. Then you can go back to your safe, sterile life and forget I bothered you for one moment of it.”
The door shut behind him, and before she could obsess, sleep took over her battered body, releasing her from thinking, aching, wondering.
But not from dreaming.
TWO MONTHS BEFORE high school graduation, National Geographic contacted Ben. They wanted him to intern with one of their photographers for the summer in Venezuela. If that worked out, he’d have an assignment waiting for him in the fall in South Africa.
“Come with me,” he said to Rachel.
They sat in their hidden-away spot in the botanical gardens behind city hall, their common meeting place, halfway between their respective houses.
Rachel lifted her gaze off the letter in his hands and stared at him. He was more animated than she’d ever seen him, even in the throes of passion, and she knew why. He’d been waiting his entire life to leave this town, and now he had a chance.
But she’d been waiting her entire life to stay in one place longer than it took to order and cancel cable service. She’d moved once a year for as long as she could remember, and she was weary, so damn weary.
She loved South Village; loved the joyous crowds, the urban streets, the sights, the smells, everything. This town was her life, her heart. She loved it here and didn’t want to leave, not even for Ben. If she left, her life with him would be no different than it was now—just a blur of moving, moving, moving, when all she wanted was a home.
“Rach?”
“I want to stay.”
“No, we have to go. There’s nothing for me here, you know that.”
Actually, she’d only guessed, as he never told her about his family. It was the one thing he’d always refused to discuss.
“It’s my future,” he said hoarsely, telling her only how much this meant to him, but not why.
Oh, God, letting him go, watching him walk away, would be like ripping out a part of her, the best part. “I can’t.” Her heart got stuck in her throat because she knew. He was destined to go.
And she was destined to stay.
“You’ll come,” he said confidently. But they didn’t speak of it again because shortly after that Rachel caught the flu—a nasty bug that dragged on and on, weakening her, tiring her.
After watching her throwing up every afternoon at four o’clock on the dot for a week running, Ben took her to a clinic. “Does she need antibiotics?” he demanded of the doctor, squeezing her hand as they waited for an answer.
“Nope.” The doctor shook his head. “What you’re cooking isn’t contagious. It’s a baby.”
CHAPTER SIX
THE PHONE WOKE Melanie Wellers at what felt like the crack of dawn. Opening her eyes, she stretched lazily…and came in contact with a warm, hard, undeniably male body.
Oh, yeah, nice way to wake up.
Those male arms tightened on her, and a low growl sounded in her ear. “Mmm, you feel good.”
Yes, yes she did. She always felt good with a nice warm body to strain against.
Jason, no, Justin…yes, Justin, she remembered with a fond sigh, had so gallantly offered her a ride home from the bar last night where she’d gone after work in need of a stiff drink.
Her boss had been a son of a bitch all day, she had bills coming out the wazoo and she hadn’t gotten the raise she’d counted on. And yet Jason—damn it, Justin—had promised to make it all go away for a night.
Lord almighty, he’d kept his word.
The phone kept ringing, and it started to grate on her nerves. “Gotta get that, sugar,” she said, slapping his bare ass playfully as she stretched across him for the cordless on the nightstand.
Then she caught sight of the time. Ah, shit! Late for work, again.
Can you see me now, Dad? With a sardonic twist of her mouth, she glanced heavenward. Or maybe she should be looking down toward hell, as that was a far more likely place for her father to have ended up. Late for work, Dad, and proud of it. Roll in your grave over that one.
Hoping it wasn’t her boss, she grabbed the phone.
“Aunt Mel?”
A smile broke out onto her face, and only part of it was relief. “Hiya, Emmie, baby.”
“Are you busy?”
Mel glanced at the extremely gorgeous, extremely naked man in her bed. He rolled over and shot her a come-get-me smile, making her laugh. “A little. What’s up? How’s your mom?”
“That’s what I wanted to tell you, she’s good. She’s great. So great you don’t need to take any time off this weekend to come down here, we’ll be fine.”
Mel’s relief became tinged with something a little sour. She was the older sister and, stupid as it was, she had this bone deep need to be needed by Rachel.
Rarely happened.
Still, for weeks she hadn’t taken a spare breath, going back and forth from Santa Barbara to South Village, and not only had it crimped her social life, she really needed to rack up some extra hours at work. “Are you sure?”
“Positive. Mom says do what you have to do, we’re fine.”
“You got a nurse, right?”
“Things are really, really fine. So, uh, we’ll just see you next weekend. Or the weekend after.”
“Next weekend for sure…” Melanie narrowed her eyes and paused. As the Queen of Liars, Cheaters and Manipulators, she could smell a con a thousand miles away. “You didn’t say, Em. Did you hire a nurse?”
“Yeah, it’s, um, working out just great. Really great.”
Apparently tired of waiting, Justin ran two hands up Mel’s legs, slow and lazylike, toying with what he found between them.
Melanie’s eyes crossed with lust. Did she really want to grill her niece when she had this gorgeous man ready and willing to worship her body?
Then that gorgeous man slid a finger into her. “Okay, then,” she managed to say. “I’ll call you in a few days to check up on you. Bye, sweetie—”
Justin disconnected for her and tackled her flat to her back, holding her still while he smiled wickedly into her face.
“What are you going to do with me now?” she asked a little breathlessly.
“This.” Then he put his mouth where his fingers had been, scattering her thoughts like the wind.
BEN HAD GOTTEN her pregnant. Seventeen years old, the world finally, finally, at his fingertips, and he’d really screwed up this time. He reached for Rachel’s hand and found her fingers icy. “It’s going to be okay.”
Choking out a laugh, she pulled her hand free. “Really? How is that Ben? I’m having a baby, for God’s sake.”
Yeah. A baby. His stomach rolled, but that could have been hunger given he hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Nothing new in that. He’d planned never to be hungry again on the other side of the planet.
With Rachel at his side.
Looking at her in the moonlight, with her long hair and haunting eyes, his heart constricted. God, he loved her. Ridiculously so. Who’d have thought the no-good, black-hearted nobody had it in him to feel this way, as though he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t do anything if she wasn’t in his world?
And they’d made a baby. By accident not design, they’d come together and created a life, a perfect little life, and suddenly his panic turned to something much lighter, something much closer to…joy. “Marry me.”
“Ben—”
“Look, I love you, that’ll never change. And we’d have gotten married eventually, we’ll just move the plans up a bit.”
“But…where will we live?”
“Well, we’ll start out in South America, but—”
“Ben.”
“We’ll have to hit Africa in the fall, and then�
�”
“Ben.”
He was losing her, he could hear it in her voice, so he kept talking, fast as he could. “And then we’ll go to Ireland, because—”
She grabbed his hands, brought them to her heart. Her eyes were huge and wet, her voice so low he had to lean close to hear her. “Ben, listen to me. You love me, and that’s my own miracle, believe me, but I can’t. I can’t become Mrs. Asher.”
“So don’t change your name,” he said deliberately misunderstanding her. “I don’t care, Rach, I just want you.”
She let out another choked sound, this one a sob. “I can’t…I can’t give you what you want. We’re too different.”
“Different doesn’t matter.” He was going to have to talk her into wanting him. His stomach rolled and pitched again. No one had ever just wanted him, no questions asked. “Look, I’m going. You’re coming with me. We love each other—”
“No! God, you don’t get it!” Her face twisted. “I…don’t love you. Okay? I don’t love you.”
He couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.
“I’m sorry.” Drawing in a deep breath, she stood. Her eyes were still wet but inscrutable now, hiding herself from him. She was good at that. “I won’t see you again before you go.”
With the words I don’t love you echoing in his head like a bad refrain, he could just stare at her.
“Goodbye, Ben.”
“Rach—”
“Go. Please,” she whispered brokenly. “Just go.”
It was a hauntingly familiar request for him. She didn’t love him and she wanted him to go. Fine. He wouldn’t beg. “Goodbye, Rachel,” he said, but she’d already walked away, vanishing into the night.
In hell with the memories, Ben woke up with a gasp. He lay in a white bed with white fluffy pillows, sweat streaking his body, air chopping in and out of his lungs as if he’d been running a marathon.
Nope, not hell, but close enough. The walls seemed to close in on him, strangle him.
How fast could he get out of town? Out of the country? Asia should be far enough for today. Surely he could get to Asia. With a vicious oath, he scrubbed his hands over his face, just as someone leaped onto the mattress at his side. Battle-ready, he whipped around.
