‘You know Acacia,’ he began, closing his eyes and breathing in my hair. ‘You really define the term, Giver.’
My breath faltered, freezing in my throat as he swept his hand up higher.
‘Can I trust you, Acacia?’
I was frozen with fear. And when he moved his hand closer, my breath hitched, a scream was on the verge of escaping.
‘Hmm?’ he asked again, running his fingers along my trembling skin.
‘Yes.’ I breathed. ‘Yes, you can trust me.’
‘Because if I think you’re lying to me, Lazarev will not be safe anywhere. And let me tell you that fortress he lives in won’t make a difference.’
Tears stung the back of my eyes making my throat constrict.
‘You can trust me.’ I whispered, choking on a sob. ‘I swear to you.’
‘Oh, I know, and I know you’re in there, Acacia, I know you’re lucid when the Serum wears off, so, make no mistake, I will kill him. Do you understand?’
‘Yes.’ I breathed, squeezing my eyes shut.
‘Yes, what?’
‘Yes, master.’
Satisfied with my answer he released me. Thank God.
I held my breath until he was off the bed and the lingering touch from his hand was gone.
‘Get some rest.’
Then he was gone.
‘Oh my God.’ I whispered pulling my knees to my chest.
I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t let him do this to me. I couldn’t pretend. I couldn’t….
As it had done every other night after he left, the nausea was back. I tripped over the bedsheet, crashing into the floor as I ran for the bathroom. I scrambled on my knees until I reached the toilet bowl.
You have to do this, Ace. Hold yourself together.
After I’d scoured my face with icy water, I reached for the towel and sat down, curling up on the tiles. The tears that had been building for hours finally came, free to fall.
Sleep came swiftly that night and, when I closed my eyes, I imagined Illarion. I imagined the cabin again as I did every night. I imagined his lips on mine and the way he made me feel. I was so happy. So peaceful. One day, when all of this was over. I’d find that happy place once more.
***
Illarion
I woke with a jolt again. My body was covered in a fine sheen of sweat. I looked across at the mess of pillows that were mostly on the floor, and pressed my head into my hands; I’d been thrashing in my sleep again.
Tears came, like they did every morning.
Grief came in all forms. Not like this though.
These dreams, this pain, it wasn’t normal.
Dragging myself from the bed, I groaned as last night’s drinking reminded me of my own mortality. Aurel would be pissed.
I’d retrieved the fine whiskeys I’d been saving for a special occasion, the stash he and Michael didn’t find during their purge. I laughed. Well, this was one hell of an occasion, wasn’t it? I was still alive, guess that was worth celebrating.
A sound outside drew my attention as I pulled my arms through a sweater and decided that I didn’t even care about not having had a shower.
Pulling the door open, I walked past Aurel who sighed and followed me down the hall.
‘You look like hell.’
‘Thanks.’ I muttered, heading straight for the kitchen.
I rummaged around two shelves coming up empty, turning to the tapping sound Aurel was making, and I let out a breath of relief as he tossed a box of Advil over.
‘Did you get any sleep?’
‘After I crashed, yeah, maybe an hour or two.’
He shook his head and sat at the bench.
‘Want to talk?’
‘No.’
‘Illarion.’
‘I know.’ I breathed out, pressed both palms flat to the cool surface of the bench, and dropped my head. ‘I can’t. Not yet.’
‘You’ve bottled everything up, brother, you need to let someone in.’
That same pain that I’d learned came whenever I thought about her, began to thrum inside me, pulsing steadily with the beat of my own heart. It was like her presence was still here, only in some way, she was suffering, just like me. But another feeling, a nagging instinct inside me told me this was something I couldn’t ignore.
‘I see her in my dreams,’ I said, quietly.
Aurel stayed quiet, but he was focused solely on the words I was speaking.
‘She’s not like before, though.’ I rubbed my eyes, quietly sighing. ‘She’s tired and in pain. I don’t know why I’m seeing her like that.’
‘You’re hurting; you’re going to see all sorts of painful things.’
‘Not like this. She changes like time is still going somewhere.’
‘Your mind is torturing you.’
‘I deserve it.’
‘Illarion, no.’ Aurel ran a hand over his jaw. ‘This isn’t on you, it never was.’
‘Why am I seeing her like this?’
‘What are you seeing?’
‘Someone’s with her. He hurts her every night, and she cries, but he never stops. But you know the worst part? She’s calling for me.’
It was my undeniably my own personal hell, signed, sealed and delivered by the devil himself. I dropped my head in my hands and shook it.
Aurel bit down hard and averted his gaze. It had been three months, two weeks and four days since I held her in my arms and watched her die. I’d dreamt about her before but these dreams were new.
‘She tries to fight him but he’s always stronger than her, something is stopping her.’
‘They’re just dreams,’ Aurel whispered.
When I remained silent, he squeezed my shoulder and brought my attention to him.
‘You need to get more sleep, I mean it. You’re torturing yourself.’
Chapter Four
Illarion
Another violent night of dreams kept me up but this time it was different. I didn’t see her the way I usually did. This time, I saw through her eyes. It was dark and she couldn’t see further than an inch from her face and, when she did, all I could see, through her eyes, were papers, and books—a desk. Her was face was pressed down on a desk.
I didn’t need to see the rest to know what was happening to her. Every few seconds or so, I’d feel a jolt of fear rush through her and into me and then she’d squeeze her eyes shut and cry, pleading for me to save her. That’s when I would wake up and scream into the darkness, remembering voices, so many voices around her and nothing would make it better.
I took a bottle of whiskey from the bar and unscrewed the cap, forgetting the glass altogether.
Glancing at the clock, I laughed, it was just before seven in the morning.
‘Illarion.’ Aurel’s voice boomed from down the hall.
Acknowledging him as he approached, I looked up.
‘You have to stop this.’
‘Leave.’
‘I’m not going anywhere.’
‘Drink?’
‘No.’
He reached for the bottle and this time, I didn’t stop him.
‘Why are you even up this early?’
Ignoring me, he shook his head. ‘Come on, you have to eat something.’
‘Not hungry.’
‘I know,’ he said, but he led me toward the kitchen, anyway. ‘Anna’s coming to see you.’
My eyes flicked up to his.
‘She said she was meaning to visit for a while but you kept missing her calls.’
‘I wasn’t missing them.’
‘Yeah, I got that.’ He said sternly. ‘She cares about you, we all do.’
‘I don’t want to see anyone.’
‘Donna’s coming down with her. It’s done.’
I sighed and sat when Aurel motioned to the chair.
‘When are they getting here?’
‘Around six,’ Aurel said, over his shoulder while he cut up some vegetables and dropped them into a pot of water.
&
nbsp; ‘Thank you.’
He stopped and turned briefly.
‘For?’
‘For all of this.’ I swallowed hard, aware of the numbness inside me.
‘You don’t have to thank me for this, man. I’m here, goes without saying.’
‘I haven’t made it easy,’ I whispered.
‘There’s nothing easy about this, I wouldn’t expect any different.’
When I stayed quiet, he turned back to the food and continued chopping. A few minutes later, he added some pasta to another pot and turned back to me. He handed me a bottle of water and took one for himself.
‘Not much of a breakfast food, I’m sorry. But you need something a little more substantial.’
‘Don’t know how well substantial will go down.’
‘Try. That’s all I’m asking. Please.’
He leaned his hip against the bench and watched me for a few moments.
‘I’m falling here,’ I said, finally.
Aurel didn’t say a word, and he didn’t have to. He knew. He saw it when he stayed over; when he heard my screams in the night and when he watched me crawl to my room when I’d drank so much I couldn’t even walk.
‘I’m not sure that I can come back from this.’
‘You will.’
My throat constricted. A tightness in my chest told me it was another onset of unstoppable sobs.
‘Christ, Aurel. How do I do this without her?’
‘One day at a time, brother. I’m here.’
My throat closed up, and I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.
Aurel turned briefly, transferred the pasta to a new pot, and mixed the cooked vegetables in with it adding a white sauce from a jar.
‘Sorry it’s not fresh,’ he said, quietly. ‘I’ll make something better when they get here.’
A pang of guilt shot through me. Having guests over when Ace was gone, just, seemed wrong. I looked away when he placed the plate in front of me and sat down.
‘Eat,’ he ordered.
Taking one bite at a time, I forced the food down. My stomach protested each mouthful, but I kept pushing through.
When I was done, he collected the plate and handed me a coffee.
‘Take a shower, get changed, and come back down. We’ll watch a movie or something, maybe go out on the boat.’
‘I don’t think I want to do any of those things.’
‘Then we’ll just sit in the courtyard. You need it. I’ll wait for you.’
Sighing, I got up.
‘It’ll be a good night.’
It still felt wrong, but I nodded. I’d promised Ace that I’d try.
***
After surviving five long hours sitting in the sun in silence with Aurel, I’d managed to break away long enough to retreat to my room where I stayed for another five or six hours, I’d lost count, before I needed to get ready for dinner.
Pulling my hair up, I smoothed down my grey t-shirt and pulled on a pair of dark boots.
This was a mistake. I shouldn’t be going down there.
Anticipating my apprehension and probability to cancel on him, Aurel came up to my room and knocked loudly on the door until I finally opened it.
‘You weren’t thinking of bailing, were you?’
His eyes narrowed when I let out a long breath and looked up at him.
‘Get your ass down there,’ he said sternly, and jerked his head motioning toward the stairs.
‘I’m going,’ I muttered back.
He grabbed my forearm and stopped me.
‘No one is expecting you to host a party. They know what you’ve been through, just be there. That’s all I’m asking.’
‘I’ll be there,’ I agreed.
We walked down the remainder of the staircase in silence, each step was agony.
Aurel stepped ahead of me and squeezed my shoulder gently before pushing the door to my lounge open.
The ashy smell of crackling fire drifted through the room once again making my chest tighten. Ace loved sitting here, by the fire, watching me work.
Donna and Anna were seated on the couch, talking quietly and when we approached, they stood.
Both women looked across at us, sadness and apprehension coursed through them filling the air. It felt so dense.
‘Thanks for coming,’ I said, trying to diffuse as much tension as I could.
When I forced a smile, Anna let out a nervous breath and moved toward me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and promptly retreated.
‘I’m so happy to see you.’
Happy. I flinched inwardly. Happy isn’t the adjective I’d have used in this scenario. But I smiled and hugged Donna when she stepped up to me.
Aurel shifted beside me, his whole body buzzing with emotions. He was anxious, but he was happy that I came down, he was happy that I was making an effort, and me? I was coping—floating through this experience like I was viewing it as an outsider, counting down the minutes until they left and I could go back to my room.
‘Drink?’ I said, happy with my suggestion.
Aurel shot me a warning look but, when Anna eagerly agreed, he dropped whatever he was about to say.
Anna’s nerves were flashing all over the place making my insides tighten. I rushed out of the room and found myself gasping for air in the bar. I clutched the bottle like a lifeline and when I finally steadied my breathing, I returned.
‘I have wine and scotch,’ I said, dryly.
Aurel took the scotch from me and placed it away from us. Smart move.
Leaving me with the wine, I set down four glasses and poured us each a drink.
Aurel and Donna moved to the sofa and began catching up on what he’d missed since he left the Agency while Anna and I sat at the far end of the room, looking out over the garden.
When Aurel served dinner, we ate quietly, straining to keep the conversation light. Tension riled me up, but I kept whatever composure I could.
Anna and I moved back to the far room and sat. She stayed quiet while I drank. Then she left momentarily and returned with the scotch.
‘Donna has to work in the morning, she told me to say bye to you.’
I nodded and turned back to the sky.
Anna poured two glasses and handed me one, her fingertips brushed across my hand, making me flinch.
‘I’m sorry.’ She laughed nervously. ‘I must be all static.’
Shaking my head, I looked down at my hand. That wasn’t it but I went with it.
‘I didn’t get a chance to speak to you at the funeral.’
‘It was a crazy day.’ I breathed.
She nodded and took a drink from her glass.
‘She was an incredible woman, Illarion.’
‘She was.’ I blinked back the haze coating my eyes and looked down at the glass. How many have I had?
A gentle hand drew my attention behind me, Aurel knelt and squeezed my shoulder.
‘You doing alright?’
‘Yeah.’ I held up my glass. ‘I’m alright.’
‘Good.’ He smiled and hugged Anna. ‘I’m off to bed, make sure he gets some sleep.’
‘Will do.’ She smiled and turned back to me.
When Aurel left, I took the bottle of scotch and poured some more, much more than one would normally pour. Anna frowned and reached over for the bottle. When her hand cupped over mine, I froze.
‘You’ve had a few,’ she whispered, swaying.
‘So have you.’
‘Come on.’ She tugged until I let go.
As she leaned over me to put the bottle down, I caught the scent of citrus and coconut. I breathed in deeply and stopped when she moved back and grazed my arm with hers.
‘Aurel said you weren’t looking after yourself.’
I didn’t even know what to say.
‘You have to try,’ she whispered.
We sat too closely. Her arm was touching mine and the fire in the background made the room double in temperature. Anna took off the light sweater she
was wearing and my eyes darted away.
Sucking in a sharp breath, I shot up and rushed outside onto the balcony. The sky had opened up and the cold stinging of the rain that rapidly drenched me was a welcome relief.
Anna called to me over the howling wind but I ignored her. I wrapped my hands around the rail and looked up at the sky. I was breaking and there was no coming back from it.
When lightning cracked, splitting the sky in two, Anna rushed outside and wrapped her arm around me, urging me to come inside.
Reluctantly, I followed her and when I finally inhaled, after holding my breath for so long, I broke, and I dropped to my knees. My wet hair clung to my face, hiding the burning tears that fell in quick succession.
She gripped my face in her hands but I didn’t hear a word she was saying. It was so loud in my head, so much noise, so many thoughts crashing and colliding and then, as she wrapped a soft towel around my shoulders, I brought my hands to her cheeks and I kissed her.
For a moment, she was frozen. Pain, acceptance, and hope flared through her all at once and then her hands were in my hair and her lips were over mine. I moved quickly after that, pulling off her wet dress and she moved even quicker pulling off my wet shirt. I picked her up and in one fluid motion eased her down on the soft rug beside the fireplace. I watched her through hooded eyes as I worked the wrapper.
She bit down on her lip when I moved toward her and lowered myself over her body. The fire roared as her breathless gasps were lost in the raging thoughts flashing through my mind.
I gripped her hips as I moved, faster and harder, letting every emotion disappear, letting every thought grow silent as all I focused on was the way she cried out when I moved with her, the way she dug her nails into my back when I dipped my lips to her pulse.
As a tremor rolled through both of us, I pressed my cheek against hers and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to feel anything, I didn’t want to hear her wavering voice as my name became a plea on her lips.
Crying out, she gripped my arms as spasms rocked her body and I held her. My fingers brushed across her cheek and before another word could pass, I quietly got up, collected her clothes, and handed them to her.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I whispered.
I couldn’t, oh God, I couldn’t be here. Not like this. Not after what I’d just done. I ignored the way she pleaded with me to stay and I walked. I walked without a single shred of dignity left. I was broken.
King of Hart Page 5
