What is he doing to you?
I’ll never forgive myself.
Illarion
My eyes wandered from letter to letter, dozens of them, all telling me how much he was suffering because he was seeing everything through my eyes.
Christ. I couldn’t even hide it; how could I ever face him? How could I look into his eyes if I ever got out of here? I shook my head and picked up the next.
Second of May
Aurel came by again, this time he drank with me. He says that when he looks at me he sees the pain in my eyes and it’s as bad as seeing you die. I guess I am dying. The dreams have been happening every night.
I’m tired. Anna sees it, she refused to leave, so she stayed the night.
I don’t think there’s any strength left in me, not enough to get through the night and face the day. The dreams are terrifying but my life without you is a living nightmare.
I don’t know which is worse.
I feel your strength depleting, you’re giving up.
Aurel is worried about me. He doesn’t leave my house anymore. He stays with me until I’m asleep and when the nightmares wake me he’s by my side again. He knows Anna’s here, he doesn’t say anything, but he knows my mind is a mess.
Last night I saw you begging, pleading to end it. Your eyes are as dull as the day I watched you die in my arms.
He’s hurting you so much and it never ends… Why is this happening?
Illarion.
Silent tears wet my cheeks as they fell. I wasn’t giving up. I just wasn’t letting myself feel anything anymore. Maybe I was giving up then? Maybe that’s what this was?
I dragged myself out of the bed and put the letters away. I couldn’t be late for dinner.
***
Daniel came every night like he said he would before dinner and before the Serum.
It was the only way I could block everything out from my conscious memory. I didn’t care what was actually getting stored in my head. Coping was all that mattered.
Pretending that I was under the Serum’s effects wasn’t hard anymore, my body was slowly shutting down and I made my eyes glaze over just like he wanted. The drugs were taking a toll, and when Dalca sat down, I looked past his face, to a spot on the wall.
‘Daniel, the Serum.’
It took a lot more energy now; I groggily lifted my head and held out my arm, my head lolled to the side catching a glimpse of the skin inside my elbow. God. It was horrible. The skin there was black and blue, dozens of puncture marks stared back at me. How had I never noticed this before?
‘This is two months, father, this is the dose that killed the others.’
He hesitated for a moment before his father spoke up.
‘She’s not like the others. Do it.’
Fifty-two percent. I could do this.
Daniel knelt beside me and pressed the needle into my skin.
‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, pulling back.
***
My master stood beside me with a glass of scotch, twirling it in his hand.
He didn’t ask me to work tonight, instead we just sat in his library by the fire, talking.
‘Do you remember your last Operation in Iraq?’
‘Yes, master.’
‘Tell me, Acacia, do you regret leaving?’
‘No.’ I answered, keeping my eyes on the flames. ‘It was the right choice.’
‘How so?’
He reached over and swept my hair behind my ears.
‘I was done with all the death.’
We remained quiet for a moment, immersed in the raw power of nature seemingly harnessed and contained in such a simple manner.
‘Do you know why I’m doing what I am?’
Turning my face to his, I shook my head slowly. Everything was so difficult to do.
‘We’ve lived like rats, hiding in sewers for far too long. There was once a time when Solaris and Aaryon ruled over our kind and the non-Sensitives. Somewhere along the line we lost that, maybe they stopped caring or maybe we became complacent.’
‘Do you think that it will make a difference?’
He mused for a moment and then turned to me, cupping his hand over my cheek.
‘I think if we work together. We will make a difference.’
Letting that thought embed itself into my mind, we settled into a comfortable night.
As we drank and talked and I drifted off to sleep. He carried me up to bed and the rest of the night turned into a blur. Before I knew it, morning had come.
***
I raised my arms and inspected the damage, I’d been scratching again. My skin had scabbed up where I’d been ripping the flesh apart, and bruises had formed everywhere else.
Pulling the covers off my body, I walked over to the shower and climbed in before the water was even warm.
If I died right now, it wouldn’t be so bad. I wasn’t as depressed as I had been. Daniel was nice, the drugs were helping. Illarion’s letters kept me company.
Slowly, I reached for the shampoo and somehow lost my balance, a clumsy second later I fell forward, head first into the door.
I dropped like a stone clutching my head, the clear water turned red and then panic set in.
No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t reach, I was too weak and whatever I grabbed onto slipped under my soapy hand.
Lying in a heap in the shower, I reached up as far as my arm could and pulled a towel in with me. At least if someone found me, I wouldn’t be completely butt naked.
At that point, I burst out laughing, rolling around in the red water as it slowly began to rise.
I laughed when it lapped over my ears and I laughed when it covered my mouth, I blew tiny bubbles until the water covered my nose. That’s when I stopped laughing.
My body was covering the drain, and I was too high to get up.
The towel grew heavy around me until my eyes went under and all I could see was red, red water lapping around me as I weakly tried my best to move.
When nothing worked, I closed my eyes. Guess this wasn’t so bad, there were worse ways to go.
Just as I’d made peace with my less than graceful death, I felt two, strong arms around me, pulling me out of the shower and across the floor, I cracked my eyes open as soon as I could and sucked in a deep, greedy breath.
Daniel. Daniel was here. Daniel saved me from the shower.
I looked up at him and grinned.
‘Your hair looks good wet.’
His eyes darkened as he moved my wet hair from my face.
‘You could have died.’
‘You’re actually really hot, you know that?’
He grit his teeth and helped me up, my head lolling to the side as he propped me up against the wall.
‘You know, if you were here at night instead of your dad, I’d be pretty happy with that.’
‘Ace,’ he said, firmly trying to dry my hair with a towel. ‘You need to stop talking.’
‘Do I make you uncomfortable?’ I whispered, knowing that I did.
He thought I was attractive, I’d seen it in the way his eyes would drink me in completely, and here we were, naked and wet, well I was at least.
‘Don’t you think I’m beautiful?’
‘You need to stop, Ace. Please.’
I reached forward, grabbing a hold of his collar. His wet hair dripped over my skin, and I noticed in this proximity how luscious and full his lips were. His icy blue eyes were filled with kindness and something else. A fire fueled by passion and want.
As I moved closer to him, he wrapped his hand around my wrist.
‘Please.’
‘You don’t think I’m beautiful?’ I whispered, slumping back.
‘You know I do.’ He shook his head, trailing his fingers across the mark on my cheek. ‘But this isn’t right, none of this is.’
‘It can be.’ I whispered. ‘I’ve got nothing aside from this.’
‘Ace….’ his voice broke with pl
eading as he closed his eyes, his hair fell over his face, shielding the creases in his brow.
In that moment, he’d let his walls down and his resolve was gone, I trailed my fingers across his cheek drawing his face and eyes up to me.
As he opened his mouth to protest, I made my move. My hands found the nape of his neck and my lips crashed into his, stifling any attempt of pushing back.
His lips were cold from the water he’d just saved me from but the heat from his body told me that was the last thing on his mind right now.
Without warning, he pushed me back and shook his head.
‘We can’t, Ace, this is wrong.’
My breath stalled and a shaky sigh broke free. Everything was gone from me, everything was breaking, everything was falling apart. I got up, desperate to put as much space between us as possible.
My thoughts were interrupted as he moved, lightning fast. His body was flush against mine, pinning me to the bathroom door, his hand roamed my body through the towel, while the other cupped my cheek. His lips crashed into mine tasting and feeling everything I’d been so afraid to let myself feel.
There was no hesitation on his part anymore. The low sound from the back of his throat was caught on my lips as he pressed my back into the cool surface, letting his hands roam the expanse of my body.
My heart thundered in my chest as his hands worked quickly, wrapping around my hair, pulling me closer.
I worked equally as quick and pulled his wet t-shirt off without much effort. I didn’t know why I was so shocked when I saw the taut lines of his abdomen. He was well-defined, perfectly tanned. He was tall and broad. My eyes drank him in, his golden hair fell around his eyes, while the shorter parts stuck up in a cute, messy fashion.
As our lips collided again, he rapidly broke free and pulled back, abruptly drawing a sharp gasp.
‘I’m sorry,’ he breathed, smoothing his hands through his hair. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking, I’m so sorry.’
‘What are you talking about?’ I asked, breathlessly, my heart still pounding violently in my chest.
My skin flushed and burned under his gaze, I tightened my hold on the towel around my body.
‘That was completely inappropriate, I can’t believe I let that happen, after everything here….’
‘I wanted it to happen,’ I said, calmly though I felt anything but, finding my voice, I looked up at him. ‘I’m not a victim.’
‘You’re not,’ he agreed. ‘But I was out of line, you nearly died in there.’ He pointed his hand at the shower.
My heart was in my stomach and my cheeks burned with each word. I’d made a complete fool of myself.
‘You need to be more careful, we need to lay off the heroin,’ he said, finally after a long silence.
‘No, no you can’t do that to me.’ My eyes shot up.
‘And you can’t keep acting like you want to die.’ He stepped closer to me and that previous energy firing through us returned.
‘I don’t want to die.’
Before another moment passed, his lips were back on mine only this time there was nothing rushed in the action, it was slow, sensual, like it was the most difficult, yet simplest thing to do.
I released my hold on the towel, letting it fall around my feet and drew him closer to me, letting his hands coast across my skin.
As he moved us back toward the door, he picked me up and wrapped his arms around me, holding me against him, never breaking the kiss.
A shaky breath rolled through me when his hands swept over my skin, drawing sharp gasps from deep within. He undid his jeans with his free hand before returning it to my hip.
My hands found their way to the curve of his back where I pulled him closer until our bodies were flush against each other. I arched up against him, feeling a wild rush of emotions spark and ignite within me.
His lips were full, his hot breath was intoxicating and the way his arms tensed when he pulled me closer, floored me. I desperately held on, throwing everything into this moment.
His hand slipped between us and he eased our bodies together, stifling my gasp with his lips. I dug my nails into his shoulder and cried out when he let his hand fall to my lower back and pull me closer.
My heart raced. Everything inside me was unraveling, pent up pain and fear, complete ecstasy and joy—all rolled into one dangerous burst that consumed everything inside me. It was building and reaching explosive levels. When his eyes found mine and I saw that same expression haunting him, I broke.
A breathless gasp was lost on my lips as we both reached the point that would change everything.
He brought his mouth to mine stopping the fierce cry that was filled with so much emotion I feared it would break me down completely.
Letting the aftershocks roll through me, I held onto him and squeezed my eyes shut, so desperately hoping he wouldn’t hear me cry.
His ragged breaths echoed in my ear as his body shook, holding me tightly against him. Regret filling the space between us as his hands smoothed my hair down my back, telling me that somehow it would all be okay.
***
I woke up with a smile, for the first time in forever, a real smile. Illarion was in my dream. His soothing voice, his beautiful eyes, those experienced hands.
And then my smile was chased away by a deep regret and even worse than that, anger.
Daniel deserved better, he cared about me and I’d practically used him. I was so fucked up it wasn’t even funny. However, I tried to justify it, fell short—nothing made this okay.
Forcing myself out of the bed, I threw on whatever I found in the wardrobe and sat back down with a sigh. We were getting closer. Day eighty at thirty-six percent Serum, one hundred percent heroin.
When I was clean, I could slowly feel the hum inside me again… it was barely there, but I knew soon, it would be back full force.
I wished that I could stay like this, let the power get stronger and let the Serum’s hold get weaker. But I couldn’t. Being clean meant being lucid. And I was too scared to do that.
Frustration at my own cowardice consumed me. when did I become so afraid, so weak? When did I decide to stop fighting?
When I managed to get up and stop pitying myself, I pulled out the letters and looked at them. Daniel had brought another small pile of them last week.
Sixteenth of May
Elena came to the house and dragged me outside personally. I know it hurts her a lot.
I don’t even know what I’m doing most days. I wake up, I drink, I pass out. Aurel stays… Elena comes…, sometimes, even Michael visits.
They suspended me for the next two weeks. I don’t blame them. I can’t even see straight anymore. I don’t remember the last time I ate, or really slept for that matter. All I keep tabs on is the amount of whiskey I’ve had.
The last dream I had of you, two nights ago, was quick. You let go.
After that, I told Anna to leave. I couldn’t look at her without feeling like I was betraying you.
You don’t struggle now. You don’t yell, or fight. You close your eyes and I see the torment wash over your still features.
Is this my personal hell? Destined to watch you suffer for the rest of my life?
Christ. I don’t know that I can live like this.
Illarion
My spine straightened.
Illarion was never one to give up. Never.
But he was. He was slowly falling apart because everything he said was true. I looked over the letter again. I had let go. I’d given up. I still had small fragments of memory trying to come to me in the morning, and I knew I had been crying in those memories, but I wasn’t struggling anymore and I think that was the hardest part. I was letting him win without even fighting.
And I’d really messed up with Daniel.
I threw the letter aside and rushed to the bathroom. I didn’t even bother showering anymore, most nights I’d pass out in my clothes and vomit on myself, anyway. I dropped to my knees and buried my head
in the toilet; again, I threw up nothing but bile and blood.
‘Ace?’
Cringing, I leaned back enough so I could answer.
‘I’m in the bathroom.’
‘Ace, it’s five in the afternoon… did you just wake up?’
Wow. That late? Time was slipping from me, more and more.
I struggled to my knees and got up with Daniel’s help.
‘You really need to shower, seriously.’
‘I know, I’m sorry.’
Tears pricked my eyes as I caught a glimpse of my reflection. I was a fucking mess.
The physical stuff was bad, but inside me, where I used to be a good person, that’s where the real ugliness was now.
Daniel stopped behind me, keeping a few feet between us and his eyes downcast.
How was I meant to make this better?
‘Ace—’
‘Don’t.’ I shook my head. ‘Please don’t say anything.’
And he didn’t. But I heard the shaky breath he expelled and soft footsteps coming toward me.
Tears rapidly formed and I couldn’t stop them this time. I threw my hands up to my face and tried to contain it as much as possible.
As though he read my thoughts, Daniel pulled me away from the mirror and into the bedroom. As he sat down beside me and squeezed my hand, I shook my head, completely unable to face him.
‘You’re strong Ace, and soon all of this will be behind you.’
When I remained silent, he left for a moment and returned with a wet towel and small bucket of water.
A lump formed in my throat and my tongue grew heavy.
‘This will pass,’ he spoke, softly, brushing my hair behind my ears.
His words burned a hole in my chest and the goodness of his soul just crushed me.
Carefully, he cleaned my arms and my face. I had no dignity left. Tears streamed freely now, and he did his best to avoid the painful, open wounds on my legs. My nails had broken and chipped away long ago, but it still didn’t stop me scratching at my skin.
I kept my eyes averted, I was too ashamed to look at him and see the judgement in those sapphire eyes.
Once he was done, he took the bowl and towel away and came back with a brush. I let out a weak laugh when he began to brush my hair.
King of Hart Page 7
