Another sharp, violent ripple of pain jolted through me as the second or third man took his place.
‘Please God!’ I screamed into the desk as he held me down.
‘God isn’t here, Acacia, but the Devil is.’
Horror mounted as his lips curled into a smirk.
‘Ace, call it. Use your safe word.’
Vomit rose, but I couldn’t even let it out because every time I got a chance to breathe, he was back inside and my eyes burned with humiliation and endless tears.
‘Call it Ace!’ Illarion shouted, but he was too far away. He was always too far away.
‘If Lazarev finds us, you know he’ll kill us all.’ One of them stammered out between the breathless groans.
My mind flashed back to Illarion, I just wanted to go home. I wasn’t here, this wasn’t happening, none of this was real. Illarion would find me, he’d stop all of this, he’d help me.
‘Please Ila…’ I whimpered.
‘Lazarev will never find out. When we’re done here, she’s going to push all of this into a place so far away no one will ever know. Not even her.’ Dalca laughed.
The youngest of the three stepped up to me as soon as Dalca stepped back and roughly squeezed my face in his. ‘Bite and I’ll cut you.’
‘She won’t bite.’ Dalca yanked my head up by my hair.
He snapped his fingers in front of my face and when I finally looked up, he held out a tablet. It was Illarion’s house in aerial view. ‘There is currently a UAV, ready to send coordinates for a strike, as soon as I order it. Understand?’
My voice failed me.
‘You’re going to behave, aren’t you?’
‘Yes,’ I hissed.
‘See.’ He looked to the three men. ‘She’s going to be a good girl.’
‘Ila… please. Please help me.’
‘Ace! Call it, now, you’re going too far!’
‘No one is coming for you, pet. And even if Lazarev found you, do you really think he’d want to touch you after we’re done?’
Tears fell from my eyes, wetting the desk beneath my cheek and then I couldn’t speak anymore.
‘No.’ Dalca leaned over me and breathed in deeply, smelling my hair, my skin, trailing his fingers along my bare back where the dress had been ripped. ‘When we’re done with you, no man will want you. And that agent your heart beats for, well, he’s going to take one look at you and see what you’ve become. But me? I’ll always want you, Acacia.’
He dragged his hand down to the center of my back and pushed me down.
“All I want from you is one, simple answer.” He said, but not aloud.
‘Screw you!’ I cried, ignoring the way the other three looked at me.
Dalca pushed me up further onto the desk and my heart stopped.
“Lockdown protocols. Who has them?”
‘I don’t know!’
“I will break you. And when I do, you’re going to give me what I want.”
The other two pulled my arms down, holding them firm against the desk and then the panic tripled. My heart skyrocketed and the most humiliating, final degradation took place. Instead of being satisfied with the way he was violating me, he took it further.
A devastated scream erupted, a scream I couldn’t control, it was filled with so much pain and so much helplessness, I thought it would break me in two.
He was insistent, despite the resistance and my skull felt like it was about to split at the pain, the intrusion, the humiliation—it was all too much. I gasped for air and tried to scream for him to stop, but my lungs choked up with the bile building from the gag reflex. I was going to die, this was it.
If I closed my eyes, if I just let myself go, it would all be over. He’d win, and I’d be free.
It was so easy now, all I had to do was pretend that it wasn’t me here, that it wasn’t me lying on this table, being used and abused by four monsters, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to give up, I was stronger than this, than them.
‘Keep your eyes open!’ one of them shouted, and like a slap to the face, I remembered why I was here.
This wasn’t real, this had already happened. But I could control this now. I looked up at the man, his face burned into my memories and as Dalca roughly gripped my hips, I pulled back and he wrapped his free hand around my throat and squeezed, choking me, but it was worth it. A quick glance at both men beside me, was all I needed, I got their faces.
Forcing my eyes closed, I sucked in a deep breath. ‘Arrow!’
It was over.
I was out.
I wasn’t in the office anymore, I was on my knees, on the floor, gripping onto Illarion’s arms, sobbing, barely breathing.
‘Ace.’
Oh God, oh my God. It was too real. Too painful. My heart, oh God, my mind. I couldn’t keep up. Without warning, my stomach brought everything up, and I doubled over.
He moved to me, reaching for my hair but I held my arm out, pushing him away.
‘Ace. Oh Jesus, look at me, Ace. Open your eyes, look at me. Please.’
‘Don’t touch me!’ I scrambled away from him.
‘Ace,’ his voice shook.
‘Get away from me!’ I screamed, when he reached for my hand.
And when I tried to push him back again, he caught me and held me tight against him until I stopped struggling and finally quietened, crumpling into myself.
‘It’s okay, it’s over Ace. You’re safe,’ he kept repeating, over and over.
And somewhere in the silence following my hysterical tears, all I could hear through the rushing in my head, were Illarion’s short breaths.
Was he crying?
My mouth dried up.
‘Ace…’ Illarion’s voice was rough.
‘You’re here.’
It was a realization. A very personal, painful one. He was here. After all of the things they did to me.
‘You’re here,’ I whispered again, letting a broken sob free.
‘I’m here. You never have to doubt that.’
‘The things he said…’
‘None of it’s true.’
When I finally managed to look up, through body shaking tremors, Illarion’s eyes found mine, tears clung heavily to his lashes, but the pain in them is what cut me.
He was in shock. Just like me.
His face had paled several shades, and I didn’t know if he was about to pass out, or throw up.
We’d both just lived through the worst moment of my life.
‘I couldn’t remember any of those things…’
‘You blocked it all out.’ When he reached to brush my cheek, I flinched, jerking back.
His eyes widened, and hurt flashed through them, but he didn’t attempt to touch me again. Instead, his jaw tightened into a straight line and the dark, penetrating stare of his eyes burned right through me.
Folding my arms over my chest, I focused on taking long and deep breaths. In, then out. That’s all I had to do, that’s how I was going to survive this, again.
‘Say something.’
What could I say?
Turning away from him, I trembled, hating how I was breaking.
‘Did you get their faces?’ I asked quietly.
‘Yes.’
‘I,’ getting up, I looked around, at anything but him. ‘I need some space.’
‘Ace-’
‘I need you to give me space. Please.’
‘Alright.’
Cracks in the dam I’d built myself were finally showing. The pain was back, and it was real, just when I thought I’d managed to build myself some semblance of a normal life, of moving on. But this was a part of it right? Getting justice, getting those pigs into prison for the rest of their lives where they’d feel a fraction of what they made me feel.
Somehow, it still didn’t feel better.
Illarion was on his feet, but he wasn’t coming to me, and inside, where I’d crawled up into a tiny black space, keeping myself hidden, I was hurting. I didn’t wan
t to be alone, but I had to give myself some time.
Yes. That was the plan. I made my way upstairs and crept past the room Aurel was staying in, making sure to close the door as quietly as possible.
When I finally crashed into the mattress, all I could do was let out a long, shattered breath, but no more tears. I was done.
***
Illarion
Her body was wired tightly. I watched in agony, as each step she took seemed so difficult, like somehow, everything was weighing down on her, pushing her even further into the pit of Darkness, and I was so afraid I’d never find her.
When she disappeared up the stairs, I let out a long breath and slammed my fist into the table.
Whatever it took, those animals would be held accountable; they would pay.
As soon as the anger settled and my hands stopped shaking enough for me to be able to work my laptop, I dragged it over and sat down. I remembered their faces, all three of those assholes who raped her.
Benefits of my clearance were that I had access to every database linked to our servers, a few hours, maybe less, would be sufficient to find them.
As I clicked through hundreds of faces, men and women affiliated with Simon Dalca, I stopped, straightening in my seat.
‘Got you, you son of a bitch.’
I followed the links, followed his patterns, everything he did, everywhere he went, where he worked and where he drank, and, within the hour, I had all three names.
Quickly grabbing my cell, I pressed it to my ear, and I only had to wait a few rings until the line connected.
‘Hale.’
‘It’s me.’ I spoke calmly.
‘Illarion?’
‘I need to call in that favor.’
Silence. ‘What do you need?’
‘I have three names for you. I need you to get your I.T. guys on it.’
Ethan Hale was an FBI contact I’d met years ago. I helped him with some cases that overlapped some of mine, and it turns out, the information got him promoted.
‘What am I looking for?’
Rubbing my jaw, I exhaled. ‘Videos, photographs. Anything on their personal and office computers, phones. Tablets. Everything.’
‘Got it.’
‘Call me when it’s done.’
***
Ace
The next day, I was surprisingly less miserable, if that’s what you could call it. I was breathing properly. I even managed to shower and get changed without feeling the need to throw up, but when I got downstairs and my eyes fell on Illarion, all that confidence, was suddenly gone.
‘Hey,’ I said quietly, sitting down, taking the coffee he placed in front of me.
Aurel joined us a few minutes later, followed by Daniel.
‘I made you breakfast.’ He turned his attention to the plate of food.
‘Can we go somewhere today?’
He looked back up at me. ‘Where?’
‘Anywhere.’ I shrugged, forcing a tight smile. ‘I just want to get out of the house.’
‘After breakfast?’
Nodding, I kept my eyes down.
One by one, he served the others and then himself. At some point, while I was reminding myself to breathe, Anna came down, took her coffee and breakfast, and excused herself.
Illarion sat down beside me but he didn’t make mention of the rollercoaster from hell we’d both been on and I didn’t dare look him in the eyes. I felt the anger bubbling inside him and I saw it every time I chanced a look across at him. His jaw seemed to be permanently grinding and the heat emanating from him, was suffocating.
He was two steps away from losing it, completely, and whatever was holding him together, must have been some seriously strong shit—maybe I could ask him what it was, God knew I needed something.
‘If you can’t eat it, I’ll make you something else.’
Shaking my head, I took another mouthful of egg and bacon.
‘Don’t force yourself,’ he warned.
Taking every mouthful slowly, I chewed and swallowed, and waited a moment to see how my stomach would handle it. Once I was sure it would be safe to proceed, I took another bite.
As I chewed and swallowed, the tension in the room grew, Illarion was keeping his eyes firmly glued to the table and neither Aurel nor Daniel said a word but it wasn’t hard to miss the way their eyes skipped from me to Illarion.
Simply put, it was the breakfast from hell, a nice compliment to the ride we’d had.
When the boys were finished, Illarion took their plates to the sink and sat back down beside me.
Daniel excused himself and left to use the gym while Aurel stayed behind reading through the files I’d brought back with me. I remembered asking for them, and I vaguely remember Daniel bringing them to me.
But my head was all over the place and I didn’t even realize that I had forgotten them, at least until he’d reminded me, after everything that happened with Dalca. As his father’s name came to the forefront of my mind, a choked gasp caught in my lungs as every single vivid image from that night flashed through my eyes.
Illarion tried to take hold of my arm when I winced but as another bout of nausea rushed through me, I didn’t risk vomiting all over the floor. I got up and ran, throwing myself at the toilet bowl, bringing everything up.
Like always, Illarion was by my side, pulling my hair back.
‘You’re still not keeping your food down.’
His voice was laced with concern and he tried not to let the fear show, but it did.
How could he just be here, acting like he didn’t see what happened to me?
‘You must be starving.’
Another change of topic. Was he going to pretend that nothing happened?
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ he sighed, rubbing the side of his face.
When I pulled back, flushing the toilet, I closed the lid and sat on it.
‘I didn’t want to worry you.’
‘You didn’t think I’d worry if you just dropped one day? Because you haven’t been eating for weeks?’
He had a point.
‘Ace, you have to tell me these things,’ Illarion said, cupping my cheek and forcing my eyes to his. ‘You’re being too hard on yourself. You need time to deal with what happened.’
My breath shuddered and came out in a quiet gasp. ‘I’m broken.’
‘You’re not broken.’
‘Don’t patronize me, Ila. You saw that last night.’
His eyes flared. I was right. He didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe it was too much for him; maybe that whole event was just what he needed to really see what a fucked-up mess I was…
‘Stop,’ he whispered, capturing my hands.
‘Ila-’ I closed my eyes, rubbing my face. What? What was I meant to say?
Looking away for a moment, I blinked back the wetness that clung heavily to my lashes and looked up into his eyes; they were full of love and sincerity and every word he spoke was from his heart.
‘Nothing that happened in that house can make me stop loving you, Ace. Nothing.’
‘You’ve been… distant from me.’
‘I have.’ He dropped his gaze from me. ‘But it’s not because of you and certainly not because of what happened there.’
‘But it is because of what you saw.’
‘Because I failed. I should have protected you, and when you were calling for me…’ he bowed his head, shaking it slowly, like he was confused by it all. ‘We will get through this together, I give you my word.’
‘I should have said something, I’m sorry.’
A questioning look met me.
‘About being sick,’ I clarified. ‘I should have said something.’
‘Come on.’ He stood up holding out his hand. ‘I’m taking you out.’
‘What? Like on a date?’
‘Exactly like a date,’ he smiled. ‘You said you wanted to get out of the house.’
His eyes lit up when held out his hand.
�
��I’ll meet you outside.’
Chapter Twenty-One
Ace
A dress, something nice. That’s what I needed. I rummaged through my wardrobe. I wanted something that would make me look like less of a walking corpse and more of a presentable woman who would be seen with a man like Illarion.
I stopped, when my hands trailed across a silky, floral dress with short, cap sleeves. A smile spread across my face as I pulled it out and pressed it against my body. It was perfect; it was everything I would have worn in my past life.
I changed into it and pulled my hair back into a ponytail just like I knew he liked it. I picked out a lovely pair of nude sandals Elsa had obviously ordered for me. The heel was just over two inches and it did wonders for my calves. I even managed to slather on some makeup and really complete the look with some simple jewelry. How this woman got all the right styles, was beyond me. I smiled at my reflection. The bruises were gone for the moment and the scars were faint under the foundation.
My hand grazed the spot where Troy’s chain used to hang. I swallowed back the sadness. I didn’t even know how he was, I hadn’t even thought to ask about him.
What did that say about me? God, I was getting too used to asking that. I missed him and the small token I’d carried of his, was lost.
Unconsciously, I smoothed my hands along the fabric; this was nothing like the dresses he made me wear. It had a deep, yet conservative plunge in the front and had I not been so sickly thin, I would have filled it out nicely, but nonetheless, it was still pretty. It was a lot like what I would have bought myself before…before everything.
Swallowing hard, I smoothed the straps down and readjusted them for the tenth time. Why did I feel so off wearing this?
It wasn’t revealing, it didn’t make me uncomfortable. The hem came to a stop just above my knees, firmly tightening around my thighs elongating my legs. The pink and purple flowers splashing sporadically against the white backdrop, was a stunning combination for my tanned skin tone.
But my arms were ugly. The skin there was scarred and pinkish with violent, blue bruises lining the inside of my elbows. Nothing could fix that, not even the Being with all his power and supernatural healing. I bowed my head at my reflection and folded my arms across my chest.
I couldn’t go out like this. Inside, I still felt ugly. Deep in my core where all my demons used to hide alone, now lay a pit of endless self-loathing and misery. At least they weren’t lonely anymore.
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