by Mark Tufo
Eyewitness Captain MacIntosh of the Royal Mounted Police had this to say. “So I motioned the accused to pull over so we could check his vehicle for any undeclared and illegal substances. We periodically choose cars at random to look for contraband. I noticed straight away the accused was extremely agitated and was becoming more hostile by the moment. When Mr. Talbot refused to get out of the car I had two of my deputies assist him. At this point Mr. Talbot became belligerent and punched one of the deputies in the nose. Next thing I know, he has PM Leonard in a choke hold.”
The Captain is referring to Prime Minister Charles C. Leonard the Third who was returning from New York City after attending a conference to improve trade relations between our two proud nations. The Prime Minister had stopped into the barracks on the Canadian side to see how his troops were holding up in the harsh weather the region had been experiencing recently.
“Somehow, in the confusion, Mr. Talbot had obtained one of my deputy’s Tasers and repeatedly pressed it into the PM’s side, I guess to keep him from getting away. Eventually some concerned citizens tackled Mr. Talbot from the back. The PM only suffered some minor injuries including a broken nose. Mr. Talbot was detained and his car searched. We found a trailer full of beer and a bag of marijuana. Mr. Talbot is being charged with smuggling, possession of drugs, kidnapping, resisting arrest, and assault. All of these penalties combined could mean a term of 25 years to life in our prison colonies.”
This incident sparked anger and outrage all across Canada as residents wanted to shut all borders to their rude and hostile southern neighbors. After further questioning and removal of the ‘evidence,’ Michael Talbot’s family was free to return to Colorado where they will await a trial date for their head of household who will remain in Canadian custody indefinitely.
Now for the ‘true’ version. Oh, and by the way, the retraction the Denver Post said they were going to print got bumped for a JC Penney ad, women’s shoes I think, way more important than my exoneration. (They lost my subscription FOREVER, and the Internet is much more up-to-date than that aging newspaper)
Okay, calm down, Talbot. I’ll start from the beginning. Ever been in the car with three small children? If so, enough said. If not, just wait your turn, it’s coming. So the ride from Montreal to the border is somewhere in the hour and a half range and the kids in the backseat are going at it like there’s a championship trophy on the line. We’re still a couple of hours drive away from this awesome little bed and breakfast in Vermont where I had made reservations. We were on a family vacation that included stops in North Dakota (don’t ask, relatives on her side. I wouldn’t have stopped there if the car was on fire), Montreal, Vermont and then on to New Orleans before heading home. Tracy and I thought it would be a great experience to have the kids see the country by car ride, dumb asses that we were.
So we were approaching the Canadian Border and there is a line easily a quarter mile long. The CRMP weren’t ‘randomly’ checking cars like their illustrious Captain said. They were checking every last one of them. I swear to this day it was a ploy for us to spend our money at their crappy little gift store before we hit the good old US of A. Yeah, couldn’t wait to buy a stupid stuffed moose that cost $22 and is made in China to put on my knick-knack shelf. So we’re sitting in the car for another hour and a half, easy. The kids have ratcheted up their squabbling to new and unusual heights. I’m a half-inch, or if you use the Canadian conversion, 1.25 centimeters away from blowing my stack. I had turned over my right shoulder to tell the kids for the four hundredth and seventy sixth time to SHUT UP. Okay, ‘be quiet’ for you non-capital punishment types. Suddenly Captain Custard comes knocking on my window with a flashlight. It was 10:00 in the morning. The sun was out for Fuck’s sake.
“What!” I yelled at him as I rolled the window down.
“Farkin Yankees, think they own the world! Step out of the car!” he shouted back.
Being from Boston, I take serious offense to anyone accusing me of being a Yankee. Now deep down I know he didn’t mean it in the sports sense, but I was already irked to my limit and I let my mouth slip.
“Go Fark yourself!” I said back, borrowing his accent. He wasn’t amused. He motioned over to two deputies who came over and pulled me out through the window. They mashed my shoulder and then more importantly my ‘junk’ into the car door, and then unceremoniously deposited me on the ground. They laughed as they saw the damage the frozen dirty slush water did to my expensive jacket. I was indignant. Without even thinking, I grabbed two handfuls of this dirty slush water and heaved it into the face of the unsuspecting deputy on the left; he also was not amused. I scrambled to get up as I saw him reaching for his Taser. I had been hit with one of those once, on a dare in college, and I was not going to let it happen again. I had regained my feet and was heading for the only cover I could think of, the crappy little gift store.
I could hear the deputy behind me wrestling with his Taser and ordering me to halt. I had just passed some man who, I was able to notice even in this awkward moment, had on a more expensive jacket than I did. I would have liked to ask him where he had gotten it, but it didn’t seem prudent given the circumstances.
I had no sooner passed by this man, than out of the corner of my eye he started to collapse. I could see the two Taser leads hanging out from the front of his jacket. Maybe just a little higher than his stomach. I knew that shot was meant for me and felt guilty this man had ‘taken one’ for me. I stopped and got behind him, holding him up before he had fully dropped. His body was spasming from the current being forced into him from the bad aiming, forgetful deputy. The idiot was still holding down the discharge button even though he had the wrong person. By the time he had finally registered his error, the man in my arms was near to passing out.
In the meantime his partner, Deputy Dumber, had let fly his Taser prongs. They caught the man I would later learn was the prime minister in the cheek, and not the round curvy kind but the one on the side of his face. His teeth chattered from the shock. Before he fully slipped out of my arms and onto the ground, I smelled the telltale sign of a man who had unwillingly lost consciousness. His bowels released like a torrent. I almost threw up over his expensive cashmere jacket.
As I gently laid the man down, realizing there was nothing more I could do for him, I stumbled over a small child exiting the bathroom and fell over. Deputy Dipshit and his partner were on me in a heartbeat. Even while I was being wrestled into handcuffs, I noticed the leggy blond administering to the man on the ground. I would have had to be in his condition not to notice her. She was smoking hot and half his age.
As for the ‘trailer full of beer,’ well that would have been some neat trick considering I didn’t have a trailer; it was three cases of Molson Canadian. So you’re saying to yourself, why bother, you can get that in the States. Well, the answer to that is yes and no. You can get Molson Canadian, but number one it’s not as fresh, and number two, Canada brews its beers under different regulations. It has a stronger alcohol content and it just tastes better. If you’ve never had beer in Canada, then that is something you should put on your ‘bucket list,’ that is if they are still making beer since the zombpocalypse.
As for the ‘bag of weed,’ their version of CSI or The Anal Retentive Squad as I like to call them, had to use tweezers and a magnifying glass to pull out this minuscule piece of a roach embedded in my carpet from who knows when. If there were two shreds of marijuana leaf in that thing I would have been amazed. So the deputies couldn’t back down; the idiots had twice Tased their leader, and that wasn’t going to look good on their permanent records. Better to fry an innocent than lose your pension.
I sat in jail for over forty-eight hours before all charges against me were dropped. The reason? Well you know how I had been telling you that my kids were fighting? Well it seems they were fighting over using the video camera. Who knew? Justin caught the whole thing on tape: First the cops overreacting and pulling me out of the car, the whole Taser fiasco,
and the coup de grâce—the leggy blonde (who by the way was not the Prime Minister’s wife).
Everyone felt it was in everyone else’s best interest if the whole case was dismissed. I, however, was still pissed about losing the three cases of beer. The trip was over when I got released from jail. Tracy was furious that I had put on that kind of display in front of the kids. They, on the other hand, thought it was cool. The ride back to Colorado was monotonous. The kids didn’t even fight. They were too scared. Tracy was melting the car seats with the anger that exuded from her. I broke a ton of land speed records getting back home, the quicker to be out of arms length and harm’s way. It all worked out in the end, and Tracy eventually forgave me, but she never did forget. I bought Justin a Nintendo GameCube for his excellent film work.
“Eliza’s coming and death trembles in her wake!” As recorded by Mike Talbot’s wife as he lay tossing and turning in a semi-state of sleep.
You can find Mark at:
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Check out these other titles by Mark Tufo
Zombie Fallout Boxed Set
All the books you love in one easy to go e-box! Perfect for when you have to leave your house in a hurry! TAKE YOUR EREADER!
Zombie Fallout
It was a flu season like no other. With the H1N1 virus running rampant through the country, people lined up in droves to try and attain one of the coveted vaccines. What was not known, was the effect this largely untested inoculation was to have on the unsuspecting throngs. Within days, feverish folk throughout the country, convulsed, collapsed and died, only to be re-born. With a taste for brains, blood and bodies, hordes of modern-day zombies began scouring the lands for their next meal.
This is the story of Michael Talbot, his family and his friends: a band of ordinary people trying to get by in extraordinary times. When disaster strikes, Mike a self-proclaimed survivalist, does his best to ensure the safety and security of those he cares for. What he encounters along the way leads him down a long dark road, always skirting on the edge of insanity. Ensconced in a seemingly safe haven called Little Turtle, Mike and his family, together with the remnants of a tattered community, must fight against a relentless, ruthless, unstoppable force. This last bastion of civilization has made its final stand. God help them all.
Zombie Fallout 2: A Plague Upon Your Family
The Talbots are evacuating their home amidst a zombie apocalypse. Mankind is on the edge of extinction as a new dominant, mindless opponent scours the landscape in search of food, which just so happens to be non-infected humans. This book follows the journey of Michael Talbot, his wife, Tracy, and their three kids - Nicole, Justin and Travis. Accompanying them are Brendon, Nicole's fiancée and Tommy, a former Wal-Mart door greeter who may be more than he seems. Together they struggle against a ruthless, relentless enemy that has singled them out above all others.
As they travel across the war-torn country side the Talbots soon learn that there are more than just zombies to be fearful of: with law and order a long-distant memory some humans have decided to take any and all matters into their own hands. It's not just brains versus brain-eaters anymore. And the stakes may be higher than merely life and death, with eternal souls on the line.
Zombie Fallout 3: The End…
As the world spirals even further down into the abyss of apocalypse, one man struggles to keep those around him safe. Michael stands side by side with his wife, their children, his friends and Henry the wonder Bulldog along with the Wal-Mart greeter Tommy who is infinitely more than he appears. Whether Tommy is leading Mike and his family to salvation or death remains to be seen...
Zombie Fallout 3.5 - Dr. Hugh Mann – Prequel
Before there were zombies there was the virus...
In this Zombie Fallout prequel, Mark Tufo tells the story of the virus that started it all.
Zombie Fallout IV: The End…Has Come and Gone
“The End…has come and gone. This is the new beginning, the new world order and it sucks. The end for humanity came the moment the U.S. government sent out the infected flu shots. My name is Michael Talbot and this is my journal. I’m writing this because no one’s tomorrow is guaranteed, and I have to leave something behind to those who may follow.” - From Mike Talbot’s Journal
So continues Mike’s journey, will he give up all that he is in a desperate bid to save his family and friends? Eliza is coming, can anyone be prepared?
Zombie Fallout V: Alive In A Dead World
Eliza turned to Tomas: “This is the end...he is no longer alive in a dead world.”
In this installment of Mark Tufo’s action-packed Zombie Fallout series, Mike Talbot and his family continue their fight for survival as Eliza plots their demise.
Zombie Fallout VI: ‘Til Death Do Us Part
Mark Tufo’s Zombie Fallout novels have their share of memorable characters. Throughout the series, we have become acquainted with Michael Talbot. We’ve gotten to know Mike’s wife, Tracy, their children, and several other characters, including Mrs. Deneaux, BT, and Tommy.
One character here, however, deserves special mention - that of Eliza. In Zombie Fallout 2, we discovered the queen’s origins. In particular, we learned of her transformation from human to vampire. Subsequent novels in the series, indeed, affirm this villain’s bloodthirsty nature. Eliza will not rest until she sees to the destruction of the entire Talbot clan.
Now, in the latest novel in the Zombie Fallout series, the moment has come for the final showdown. But as BT, Gary, and Mrs. Deneaux prepare to face Eliza, they have other worries. With Mike still missing, they cannot help but fear the worst.
Is Mike alive? Will the Talbot’s defeat their nemesis once and for all? Readers will learn the answers to these questions and more in the much-anticipated sixth installment of the Zombie Fallout series.
Zombie Fallout VII: For the Fallen
Mike is back
The battle with Eliza is past. Now Mike must strike out once again in a desperate race against time as his son and best friend are succumbing to the zombie virus within them. What he does not know is that an old foe has risen up and a more insidious threat has emerged to not just the Talbots but all of humanity.
Indian Hill
This first story is about an ordinary boy growing up in relatively normal times who finds himself thrust into an extraordinary position. Growing up in suburban Boston, Mike Talbot undergoes the trials and tribulations of all teenagers, from the seemingly tyrannical mother, to girl problems to run-ins with the law. From there, he escapes to college in Colorado with his best friend, Paul, where they begin to forge new relationships. It is one girl in particular that has caught Mike’s eye, and he alternately pines for her and laments ever meeting her.
It is on their true “first” date that things go strangely askew. Mike finds himself captive aboard an alien vessel, fighting for his very survival. The aliens have devised gladiator-type games - games of twofold importance that they use both for entertainment value and to learn about human strengths and weaknesses. The aliens want to better learn how to attack and defeat humans, and the battles are to the death on varying computer-generated terrains.
Follow Mike and Paul as they battles for their lives and try to keep the United States safe.
Indian Hill II: Reckoning
Reckoning starts where the first book in the series left off. After escaping from the Progerian alien vessel, Michael Talbot is given the opportunity to hide in obscurity with the rest of the human race or rise to the occasion and once again find himself immersed in a battle that he wants nothing to do with.
Mike goes home and decides to join whatever resistance force can be mustered to repel the oncoming invasion. As humanity gets thrust towards the abyss of extinction, two women in love with the same man make a desperate bid to travel across the country to reunit
e with him.
Mike will suffer the ultimate betrayal from those he loves the most. Will mankind fall and be ground to dust like so many other civilizations, or will the tiny humans thwart a takeover? Only time and shed blood will tell.
Indian Hill III: Conquest
And so the end begins...Indian Hill introduced us to Michael Talbot, an ordinary boy thrust into extraordinary circumstances when he finds himself captive aboard an alien vessel and forced to battle for his very survival in gladiator-type games. As Michael learns, the aliens were using him to learn about human weaknesses in preparation for an impending invasion.
In Indian Hill 2, Michael escaped from the alien ship and joined whatever resistance forces could be mustered to repel the oncoming alien invasion.
Now in the final chapter of the Indian Hill trilogy, Michael joins forces with an unlikely alliance in a desperate attempt to head off humanity’s mass extinction. This is the long awaited conclusion to man's very struggle to survive against overwhelming odds and an aggressive alien species hell-bent on enslaving the entire world.
