“Stay,” his hand fell to her waist. Her body thrilled to feel the touch of his hand sliding across her skin, but her mind whispered accusations. He brushed the water back from her eyes. A futile task, she thought, like trying to stop the stain of my past from infecting everything – I am turning into my mom.
“I wasn’t being jealous. I can sense you are upset. You have been since you came back from getting the water.” His voice was tender, sweet, without a trace of accusation. “What happened?”
She closed her eyes at the love she saw in his deep blue eyes. “I told you, he told me about his wife. The story just really got to me.” Pulling his hand down from her face, she added, “and the heat. It was so hot, and I was sore and tired...” Her voice trailed off as her made-up excuses fizzled.
He bent down to kiss her, but she couldn’t respond. She tried, but her guilt squelched any desire. She slid her fingers through the dark hair on the nape of his neck and pressed her body close to his. She gave every ounce of her body to him, as an offering, and a token of regret. But in the end, she couldn’t silence the guilt that was growing.
Stained, she thought later as they lay cuddling on the bed, the sheets damp from their still-wet bodies when he had carried her to their bed. Once pristine, the bed now lay in a state of shambles - and defiled from her impure thoughts.
She remembered her stepmother yelling at her when Holly was caught kissing a boy from down the street. “You must never give into these lustful thoughts of yours or you will be just like your mother. As it is, you are the tainted offspring of an unholy union.”
She wanted to cry, to curl up in her husband’s arms and let the tears fall, but there was no relief. As she lay there, she wondered why she continued this battle. Maybe it would be easier to just give in.
Chapter Five
The next night, Hunter received a call from Seth. Holly sat next to him on the sofa, her tablet in her lap, pretending to read. But she hadn’t swiped to the next page as she listened to his side of the phone conversation.
“Sure, we don’t have any plans. We’d love to come over tonight.”
Holly wanted to growl in frustration. All she needed was to be around this guy - this persistent reminder that she had let her thoughts stray, and that she had let her mind go where Hunter feared her body would.
To make matters worse, Hunter had been so uncharacteristically not jealous. A pointed question or two, and she might have spilled her guts to him. But instead, her guilt grew and with it, her irritability.
When he hung up, she stood up and snapped, “Maybe I had plans tonight. You never consult me on anything.”
He captured her hand when she would have spun off. Pulling her back down next to him, he cupped her face, forcing her to look at him - something she refused to do a lot of lately.
“What is going on with you? Ever since yesterday you have been snapping at me for every little thing.” His blue eyes searched hers. Realization dawned in his eyes, and Holly feared he had read her guilt. “Did Seth say something or do something to you...?”
“No!” She tried to shake her head, though his hands prevented much movement. She couldn’t bear the thought of Hunter saying something to Seth. He was so tortured enough because of his past...again, that whisper of them being kindred spirits trickled through her mind. She pulled his hands down, but he recaptured her face.
“You are not going to look away from me, or avoid this discussion. I thought we have been making headway in our marriage. What went wrong?”
The fact that he was deliberately trying to work on their marriage did nothing to lessen the pain of this situation. In fact, it intensified it. You thought he was judging you before, but now you really deserve it. Her thoughts abused her. Maybe you always did.
“Holly,” Hunter said, his voice softer though he still held her face between his hands. “I want to know what is going on.”
She bit back her tears, refusing to let them fall and signal her guilt. She bit back her confession, refusing to let it destroy the happiness she had built with Hunter. She settled on a convenient truth. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I’ve just been really irritable. Maybe I am worried because of the store opening.”
His thumbs brushed her cheeks, “Well, you haven’t been sleeping much, either.”
“I’m sorry.” Her apology sounded lame to her own ears. She followed it up with a brief kiss. “I will go get ready.”
“Holly, we don’t have to go. I can call him...”
“No, don’t.” She got up and started walking toward their room. At the door, she turned, her auburn hair cascading down her back. “I won’t be selfish. Besides, it will do me good to get out and enjoy a night out with my wonderful husband.”
She walked up the stairs, feeling as if she had a horde of demons nipping at her heels, chortling their gleeful accusations, Liar, cheat, filthy adulterous woman. She slammed the door to the bedroom, but the reverberations sounded like a chorus of demons whispering, You are so unworthy.
That night at dinner, Holly did her best to keep the demons of her guilt and condemnation at bay, but the conversation took a dangerous turn with Hunter’s uncharacteristic sharing of his past.
He leaned back in the chair and gently grabbed her hand atop the table. Though he was telling Seth, his eyes caressed her face, as if he could find rest for his pain there. “My mom cheated on my father. It destroyed our family.”
“He left her and took you and your sister with him?” Seth surmised.
Hunter shook his head, turning toward Seth as he answered. “It was worse. He turned a blind eye to what she did.” Holly saw the muscle in his jaw working as he fought to control his mounting anger at his fallen mom. “We lived in a small town and everyone knew. The kids at school teased me, the ladies at church glared at her, and the men shook their heads at my father.”
The room settled for a moment in a hushed silence. Seth was the first to break it. “People see only the surface when it comes to our sin. There is often layers of hurt and pain underneath our actions.”
Hunter’s eyes narrowed on the man. She could hear her husband’s mind fuming. How dare this man excuse his mom’s actions? There would be no forgiveness for his mom.
Seth must have sensed his anger, because he held up his hands in supplication. “I’m not excusing her adultery, but I’m just saying that we all stumble and fall. It is easy to judge, but harder to forgive.”
His words were like the first strains of a beautiful song of hope awakening her stained heart.
Seth continued. “I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but beneath those are the jumble of emotions and circumstances that I’ve made those poor choices out of.” He shrugged and looked at Holly. His brown eyes, as warm as a cup of coffee with a dab of sweet cream, held her entranced for a moment as his words strummed a few more notes. “Most people only care to look at our choices, but if you delve deeper, you can see what led you to that sin. That is where you find your healing and forgiveness.”
Holly was lost in his words, which for a moment, quieted the demons. Mental admonishments were replaced with what if. What if I could find healing? What if I could erase the stain that sucked out the light in my life? What if I could look in the mirror of my husband’s eyes and not see condemnation?
She was so lost in the what-ifs and Seth’s warm, kind gaze that she barely heard her husband jeer. “Mistakes are one thing, but adultery is another thing all together.”
The ice in Hunter’s voice chilled the warmth she was feeling. Tears burned the back of her eyes, but they would never see the front. She cleared her throat and excused herself from the table to find the restroom.
On the way back, she stopped to look at a picture that was hanging in the hallway. Seth and his wife smiled back at her, a haunting realization that happiness is fleeting. She turned as she sensed someone behind her. Seth stood staring at the picture, a sheen of tears in his eyes.
“Melissa.” His intention had been to provid
e Holly with his wife’s name, but it came out like a broken expletive. Regaining his composure some, he looked down at Holly. “She left me with so many unanswered questions and so many unresolved emotions.” Holly’s heart cinched at the pain she saw in his creamy brown eyes. “You can’t know what that is like.”
His last sentence was just a whisper, but her heart heard it loud and clear.
She repeated the motion that she had at church, rubbing her hand on his arm up and down in an innocent gesture of sympathy. However, when Hunter came around the corner a second later, she questioned the innocence of her actions as guilt caused her to jerk her hand away.
Hunter’s judgmental attitude made her doubt her motives. Had her hand stayed a little too long? Was there something other than sympathy spurring her actions? She had been lost in the idea of him being a kindred-spirit.
Those thoughts plagued her throughout the rest of the night.
Later in the evening, as they were getting ready for bed, Hunter said, “He reminds me of my father.”
When Holly looked at him questioningly, he clarified. “Seth, and all his talk about forgiveness. You can talk all nobly about extending the hand of forgiveness until you are faced with the horrible betrayal of someone you love and trusted.”
Guilt slammed into her chest, and she tried to chase it out with indignation. “You are such a hard-hearted man! What he said made sense.”
“So you think my father was right to blindly ignore what my mother did, defiling their marriage, and destroying our family in the process?”
“No, but...” Her chest heaved with the exertion of her emotions. “But would it hurt you to take some time to try and understand people? Like he said, look beyond just the surface and stop judging everyone.”
“I looked up to my parents. I trusted them. I’m not judging them. They failed me!”
The intensity of his outburst was so unusual, she actually shrank back into the pillows. Seeing her cringe from him made Hunter soften his tone.
He raked a hand through his hair, frustration evident on his handsome face. “I’m sorry for yelling.” Hunter pulled her close to him. He traced a finger down her cheek and whispered, “You are not to blame.”
The brief notion of telling him about her parents whizzed across her mind. But it was fleeting, drowned out by the steady litany of self-doubt and unworthiness that permeated every fiber of her being. If he found out that she was the by-product of an affair, he would take that same, hard-hearted, unforgiving stance. One thing was certain to Holly - he was unrelenting in his feeling about his parents, and if she failed him, he would be unrelenting with her as well.
Thinking back to the way she had touched Seth tonight, the way his words had made her feel, she knew she was standing on dangerous ground. She clung to Hunter, as if holding onto him would keep her from falling into this wicked abyss that had opened up. It was pulling her in, and she was sure she was powerless to stop it.
She would never want to hurt her husband. She loved him deeply. But she just wished he would be more understanding, more forgiving, more like...The thought came unbidden and she considered squelching it. Instead, she let it slither through her boundaries until the words dropped into the pool of her brain like tiny water droplets, sending out a ripple effect in the once placid surface. If only Hunter could be more like Seth.
Chapter Six
Over the week, the abyss opened wider and wider, leaving Holly desperately clinging to her marriage. They had Seth over for dinner a couple of times, and the more she spoke with Seth, the more she was drawn to his soft, forgiving nature. He was broken and needy, just like her. He understood her.
Hunter, on the other hand, became more unrelenting in his stance about his parents. She had tried to broach the subject twice, and twice she had gotten her head bit off. Hurt and feeling unwanted, she had decided to leave things alone.
Tonight, she was in the office, checking her social media page, when she saw a friend request from Seth. She sat there, hovering over the confirm or reject buttons.
We are all friends, it isn’t like this is a secret.
She was about to click confirm, but she hesitated. It would hurt her marriage; she was already too fascinated with Seth. This was definitely dangerous ground.
She clicked off the request, choosing to do nothing at the moment, when Hunter came in and kissed her lightly on the neck. When he glanced up and saw the screen, he grimaced. “Ugh, I hate this site. It is a breeding ground for adultery.”
His comment sent her bristles up. “It isn’t all bad.” Her irritation was barely contained. “I get to chat with my friends from church.”
“I’m not saying you would.” Hunter kissed her cheek and added. “Coming to bed soon?”
“Yes, I’ll be up in a few minutes.”
She answered a private message from Anya, and right before she was going to click off, the private message chime signaled again.
Seth’s picture popped alongside his name in the message window. “Good evening, Holly. Does Hunter have a page, too? I’ve been trying to find his profile.”
See, it is all innocent. Holly tried convinced herself. With fingers that trembled more than they should for such a harmless action, she grabbed the mouse and confirmed Seth’s friend request.
“No, he doesn’t.” She typed quickly, persuading herself that if she could keep this short and sweet, there would be nothing wrong with what she was doing.
His response didn’t take long to chime in. “Too bad, but I am glad you accepted my request.”
One moment later, the chime rang again. “I can’t wait to start painting the ark tomorrow.”
“Me, too.”
She hit enter, hesitated, and then kept typing.
Half an hour later, she climbed the stairs. Her head had become a boxing ring where her guilt and excuses battled it out. And in her heart, there started to blossom something so beautiful, but so deadly, she didn’t know what to do.
As she slid under the covers, Hunter pulled her close, and she could feel the warmth of his body on her back.
She closed her eyes and a tear fell, moistening the pillow. What are you doing? So Hunter is a little grumpy and rigid when it comes to certain things. It is not like he’s a bad guy.
But you’d be the bad girl if he found out about your mom. And then now you are playing with fire when it comes to Seth. Tell him you spent the last half hour talking with Seth and see how he reacts.
She hesitated, then decided she needed to clear her conscience. “I was talking with Seth.”
“Oh, he called? I didn’t hear the phone ring.” Her husband’s sleepy voice hummed next to her ear.
“No, I was messaging him.” Silence stretched, but she was too afraid to turn around in his arms and look at him. She didn’t want to see the condemnation in his eyes. “We were talking about the church event.”
When he still didn’t answer, she finally turned around in his arms. He wasn’t asleep, but his face didn’t bear any anger either. She smiled, feeling a little bit better about her conversation with Seth. If he wasn’t worried, then why should she be?
“He was asking if you had a page, too.”
“Ugh.” Hunter finally responded, his distaste for the site apparent on his face. “Seth can call me anytime he wants to talk.”
His face made her giggle - or maybe it was just the relief her nagging conscience felt.
The next day, the trio met at the church to finish working on their project. Holly’s respite from guilt let her tackle the project with a carefree abandon. The ark was almost finished when Hunter’s cell phone rang. Hearing his side of the conversation, Holly could tell that he had to go in to handle something at the company.
She felt her heart sink - and if she had been wise, she would have realized it had more to do with the fact that she had to leave Seth rather than her husband had to go to work. However, that guilty voice had been silenced last night.
“Well, I guess we can come back and
finish after church tomorrow.” She tried to keep the dejection out of her voice, but Hunter didn’t miss it.
“No...” He paused, and he looked back and forth between Seth and her, as if trying to decide on something. “I mean, if Seth doesn’t mind dropping you off at the house afterward...” She could hear the reluctance in his voice, and as much as she wanted the afternoon to continue, part of her common sense spoke up. Or at least, it would have if Seth hadn’t interjected.
“That would be great.”
Hunter looked at her, pausing as if giving her - begging her - to say no. When she said nothing, he kissed her. The kiss wasn’t his normal light peck on the cheek, either. “I’ll see you at home.” His thumb brushed her cheek, and his eyes held hers for a moment longer.
When she saw him drive off, something within her sank. You should have gone with him. “You two have something great.” Seth’s words pulled her out of her thoughts.
“I love him very much.” Her words sounded hollow, though she meant them.
They worked in silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. She looked up once and caught him staring at her. A blush stained her cheeks, and she bent down to clean her paintbrush, using the auburn curtain of her hair to hide her flaming cheeks.
Leave! Something within her urged her to rise off her knees and call it a day, before her marriage got all muddied again.
“Well, I think it looks about as good as it is going to get.” They both stood at the same time.
“Let’s get cleaned up and I can take you home.”
She finally braved a look at him, and he smiled. “You have a little paint right here.” He pointed to his left cheek, and she tried to mirror his movements with a paper towel.
Seth just shook his head and took the towel from her hand. He reached for his water bottle and wet the towel, and then gently wiped her cheek. The moment was awkward, and she was relieved that she didn’t feel that spark of passion like when Hunter always touched her. See, you are making this into something it is not.
Brides and Betrayal (Reconciled and Redeemed Book 1) Page 4
