CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
FROM WHICH IT WILL BE SEEN THAT MARTIN BECAME A LION OF HIS OWN ACCOUNT.TOGETHER WITH THE REASON WHY
As soon as it was generally known in the National Hotel, that the youngEnglishman, Mr Chuzzlewit, had purchased a 'lo-cation' in the Valleyof Eden, and intended to betake himself to that earthly Paradise by thenext steamboat, he became a popular character. Why this should be, orhow it had come to pass, Martin no more knew than Mrs Gamp, of KingsgateStreet, High Holborn, did; but that he was for the time being the lion,by popular election, of the Watertoast community, and that his societywas in rather inconvenient request there could be no kind of doubt.
The first notification he received of this change in his position, wasthe following epistle, written in a thin running hand--with here andthere a fat letter or two, to make the general effect more striking--ona sheet of paper, ruled with blue lines.
'NATIONAL HOTEL,
'MONDAY MORNING.
'Dear Sir--'When I had the privillidge of being your fellow-travellerin the cars, the day before yesterday, you offered some remarks upon thesubject of the tower of London, which (in common with my fellow-citizensgenerally) I could wish to hear repeated to a public audience.
'As secretary to the Young Men's Watertoast Association of this town,I am requested to inform you that the Society will be proud to hearyou deliver a lecture upon the Tower of London, at their Hall to-morrowevening, at seven o'clock; and as a large issue of quarter-dollartickets may be expected, your answer and consent by bearer will beconsidered obliging.
'Dear Sir,
'Yours truly,
'LA FAYETTE KETTLE.
'The Honourable M. Chuzzlewit.
'P.S.--The Society would not be particular in limiting you to the Towerof London. Permit me to suggest that any remarks upon the Elements ofGeology, or (if more convenient) upon the Writings of your talented andwitty countryman, the honourable Mr Miller, would be well received.'
Very much aghast at this invitation, Martin wrote back, civillydeclining it; and had scarcely done so, when he received another letter.
'No. 47, Bunker Hill Street,
'Monday Morning.
'(Private).
'Sir--I was raised in those interminable solitudes where our mightyMississippi (or Father of Waters) rolls his turbid flood.
'I am young, and ardent. For there is a poetry in wildness, and everyalligator basking in the slime is in himself an Epic, self-contained. Iaspirate for fame. It is my yearning and my thirst.
'Are you, sir, aware of any member of Congress in England, who wouldundertake to pay my expenses to that country, and for six months aftermy arrival?
'There is something within me which gives me the assurance that thisenlightened patronage would not be thrown away. In literature or art;the bar, the pulpit, or the stage; in one or other, if not all, I feelthat I am certain to succeed.
'If too much engaged to write to any such yourself, please let me havea list of three or four of those most likely to respond, and I willaddress them through the Post Office. May I also ask you to favour mewith any critical observations that have ever presented themselves toyour reflective faculties, on "Cain, a Mystery," by the Right HonourableLord Byron?
'I am, Sir,
'Yours (forgive me if I add, soaringly),
'PUTNAM SMIF
'P.S.--Address your answer to America Junior, Messrs. Hancock & Floby,Dry Goods Store, as above.'
Both of which letters, together with Martin's reply to each, were,according to a laudable custom, much tending to the promotion ofgentlemanly feeling and social confidence, published in the next numberof the Watertoast Gazette.
He had scarcely got through this correspondence when Captain Kedgick,the landlord, kindly came upstairs to see how he was getting on. TheCaptain sat down upon the bed before he spoke; and finding it ratherhard, moved to the pillow.
'Well, sir!' said the Captain, putting his hat a little more on oneside, for it was rather tight in the crown: 'You're quite a public man Icalc'late.'
'So it seems,' retorted Martin, who was very tired.
'Our citizens, sir,' pursued the Captain, 'intend to pay their respectsto you. You will have to hold a sort of le-vee, sir, while you're here.'
'Powers above!' cried Martin, 'I couldn't do that, my good fellow!'
'I reckon you MUST then,' said the Captain.
'Must is not a pleasant word, Captain,' urged Martin.
'Well! I didn't fix the mother language, and I can't unfix it,' said theCaptain coolly; 'else I'd make it pleasant. You must re-ceive. That'sall.'
'But why should I receive people who care as much for me as I care forthem?' asked Martin.
'Well! because I have had a muniment put up in the bar,' returned theCaptain.
'A what?' cried Martin.
'A muniment,' rejoined the Captain.
Martin looked despairingly at Mark, who informed him that theCaptain meant a written notice that Mr Chuzzlewit would receive theWatertoasters that day, at and after two o'clock which was in effectthen hanging in the bar, as Mark, from ocular inspection of the same,could testify.
'You wouldn't be unpop'lar, I know,' said the Captain, paring his nails.'Our citizens an't long of riling up, I tell you; and our Gazette couldflay you like a wild cat.'
Martin was going to be very wroth, but he thought better of it, andsaid:
'In Heaven's name let them come, then.'
'Oh, THEY'll come,' returned the Captain. 'I have seen the big roomfixed a'purpose, with my eyes.'
'But will you,' said Martin, seeing that the Captain was about to go;'will you at least tell me this? What do they want to see me for? whathave I done? and how do they happen to have such a sudden interest inme?'
Captain Kedgick put a thumb and three fingers to each side of thebrim of his hat; lifted it a little way off his head; put it on againcarefully; passed one hand all down his face, beginning at the foreheadand ending at the chin; looked at Martin; then at Mark; then at Martinagain; winked, and walked out.
'Upon my life, now!' said Martin, bringing his hand heavily upon thetable; 'such a perfectly unaccountable fellow as that, I never saw.Mark, what do you say to this?'
'Why, sir,' returned his partner, 'my opinion is that we must have gotto the MOST remarkable man in the country at last. So I hope there's anend to the breed, sir.'
Although this made Martin laugh, it couldn't keep off two o'clock.Punctually, as the hour struck, Captain Kedgick returned to hand himto the room of state; and he had no sooner got him safe there, thanhe bawled down the staircase to his fellow-citizens below, that MrChuzzlewit was 'receiving.'
Up they came with a rush. Up they came until the room was full, and,through the open door, a dismal perspective of more to come, was shownupon the stairs. One after another, one after another, dozen afterdozen, score after score, more, more, more, up they came; all shakinghands with Martin. Such varieties of hands, the thick, the thin,the short, the long, the fat, the lean, the coarse, the fine; suchdifferences of temperature, the hot, the cold, the dry, the moist,the flabby; such diversities of grasp, the tight, the loose, theshort-lived, and the lingering! Still up, up, up, more, more, more; andever and anon the Captain's voice was heard above the crowd--'There'smore below! there's more below. Now, gentlemen you that have beenintroduced to Mr Chuzzlewit, will you clear gentlemen? Will you clear?Will you be so good as clear, gentlemen, and make a little room formore?'
Regardless of the Captain's cries, they didn't clear at all, but stoodthere, bolt upright and staring. Two gentlemen connected with theWatertoast Gazette had come express to get the matter for an article onMartin. They had agreed to divide the labour. One of them took him belowthe waistcoat. One above. Each stood directly in front of his subjectwith his head a little on one side, intent on his department. If Martinput one boot before the other, the lower gentleman was down upon him;he rubbed a pimple on his nose, and the upper gentleman booked it. Heopened his mouth to speak, and the same gentleman was on on
e knee beforehim, looking in at his teeth, with the nice scrutiny of a dentist.Amateurs in the physiognomical and phrenological sciences roved abouthim with watchful eyes and itching fingers, and sometimes one, moredaring than the rest, made a mad grasp at the back of his head, andvanished in the crowd. They had him in all points of view: in front, inprofile, three-quarter face, and behind. Those who were not professionalor scientific, audibly exchanged opinions on his looks. New lights shonein upon him, in respect of his nose. Contradictory rumours were abroadon the subject of his hair. And still the Captain's voice was heard--sostifled by the concourse, that he seemed to speak from underneath afeather-bed--exclaiming--'Gentlemen, you that have been introduced to MrChuzzlewit, WILL you clear?'
Even when they began to clear it was no better; for then a stream ofgentlemen, every one with a lady on each arm (exactly like the chorusto the National Anthem when Royalty goes in state to the play), camegliding in--every new group fresher than the last, and bent on stayingto the latest moment. If they spoke to him, which was not often, theyinvariably asked the same questions, in the same tone; with no moreremorse, or delicacy, or consideration, than if he had been a figure ofstone, purchased, and paid for, and set up there for their delight. Evenwhen, in the slow course of time, these died off, it was as bad as ever,if not worse; for then the boys grew bold, and came in as a classof themselves, and did everything that the grown-up people had done.Uncouth stragglers, too, appeared; men of a ghostly kind, who being in,didn't know how to get out again; insomuch that one silent gentlemanwith glazed and fishy eyes and only one button on his waistcoat (whichwas a very large metal one, and shone prodigiously), got behind thedoor, and stood there, like a clock, long after everybody else was gone.
Martin felt, from pure fatigue, and heat, and worry, as if he could havefallen on the ground and willingly remained there, if they would buthave had the mercy to leave him alone. But as letters and messages,threatening his public denouncement if he didn't see the senders, pouredin like hail; and as more visitors came while he took his coffee byhimself; and as Mark, with all his vigilance, was unable to keep themfrom the door; he resolved to go to bed--not that he felt at all sureof bed being any protection, but that he might not leave a forlorn hopeuntried.
He had communicated this design to Mark, and was on the eve of escaping,when the door was thrown open in a great hurry, and an elderly gentlemanentered; bringing with him a lady who certainly could not be consideredyoung--that was matter of fact; and probably could not be consideredhandsome--but that was matter of opinion. She was very straight, verytall, and not at all flexible in face or figure. On her head she wore agreat straw bonnet, with trimmings of the same, in which she looked asif she had been thatched by an unskillful labourer; and in her hand sheheld a most enormous fan.
'Mr Chuzzlewit, I believe?' said the gentleman.
'That is my name.'
'Sir,' said the gentleman, 'I am pressed for time.'
'Thank God!' thought Martin.
'I go back Toe my home, sir,' pursued the gentleman, 'by the returntrain, which starts immediate. Start is not a word you use in yourcountry, sir.'
'Oh yes, it is,' said Martin.
'You air mistaken, sir,' returned the gentleman, with great decision:'but we will not pursue the subject, lest it should awake yourpreju--dice. Sir, Mrs Hominy.'
Martin bowed.
'Mrs Hominy, sir, is the lady of Major Hominy, one of our chicestspirits; and belongs Toe one of our most aristocratic families. You air,p'raps, acquainted, sir, with Mrs Hominy's writings.'
Martin couldn't say he was.
'You have much Toe learn, and Toe enjoy, sir,' said the gentleman.'Mrs Hominy is going Toe stay until the end of the Fall, sir, with hermarried daughter at the settlement of New Thermopylae, three days thisside of Eden. Any attention, sir, that you can show Toe Mrs Hominyupon the journey, will be very grateful Toe the Major and ourfellow-citizens. Mrs Hominy, I wish you good night, ma'am, and apleasant pro-gress on your route!'
Martin could scarcely believe it; but he had gone, and Mrs Hominy wasdrinking the milk.
'A'most used-up I am, I do declare!' she observed. 'The jolting inthe cars is pretty nigh as bad as if the rail was full of snags andsawyers.'
'Snags and sawyers, ma'am?' said Martin.
'Well, then, I do suppose you'll hardly realise my meaning, sir,' saidMrs Hominy. 'My! Only think! DO tell!'
It did not appear that these expressions, although they seemed toconclude with an urgent entreaty, stood in need of any answer; for MrsHominy, untying her bonnet-strings, observed that she would withdraw tolay that article of dress aside, and would return immediately.
'Mark!' said Martin. 'Touch me, will you. Am I awake?'
'Hominy is, sir,' returned his partner--'Broad awake! Just the sort ofwoman, sir, as would be discovered with her eyes wide open, and her minda-working for her country's good, at any hour of the day or night.'
They had no opportunity of saying more, for Mrs Hominy stalked inagain--very erect, in proof of her aristocratic blood; and holding inher clasped hands a red cotton pocket-handkerchief, perhaps a partinggift from that choice spirit, the Major. She had laid aside her bonnet,and now appeared in a highly aristocratic and classical cap, meetingbeneath her chin: a style of headdress so admirably adapted to hercountenance, that if the late Mr Grimaldi had appeared in the lappets ofMrs Siddons, a more complete effect could not have been produced.
Martin handed her to a chair. Her first words arrested him before hecould get back to his own seat.
'Pray, sir!' said Mrs Hominy, 'where do you hail from?'
'I am afraid I am dull of comprehension,' answered Martin, 'beingextremely tired; but upon my word I don't understand you.'
Mrs Hominy shook her head with a melancholy smile that said, notinexpressively, 'They corrupt even the language in that old country!'and added then, as coming down a step or two to meet his low capacity,'Where was you rose?'
'Oh!' said Martin 'I was born in Kent.'
'And how do you like our country, sir?' asked Mrs Hominy.
'Very much indeed,' said Martin, half asleep. 'At least--that is--prettywell, ma'am.'
'Most strangers--and partick'larly Britishers--are much surprised bywhat they see in the U-nited States,' remarked Mrs Hominy.
'They have excellent reason to be so, ma'am,' said Martin. 'I never wasso much surprised in all my life.'
'Our institutions make our people smart much, sir,' Mrs Hominy remarked.
'The most short-sighted man could see that at a glance, with his nakedeye,' said Martin.
Mrs Hominy was a philosopher and an authoress, and consequently had apretty strong digestion; but this coarse, this indecorous phrase,was almost too much for her. For a gentleman sitting alone with alady--although the door WAS open--to talk about a naked eye!
A long interval elapsed before even she--woman of masculine and toweringintellect though she was--could call up fortitude enough to resume theconversation. But Mrs Hominy was a traveller. Mrs Hominy was a writerof reviews and analytical disquisitions. Mrs Hominy had had her lettersfrom abroad, beginning 'My ever dearest blank,' and signed 'The Motherof the Modern Gracchi' (meaning the married Miss Hominy), regularlyprinted in a public journal, with all the indignation in capitals, andall the sarcasm in italics. Mrs Hominy had looked on foreign countrieswith the eye of a perfect republican hot from the model oven; and MrsHominy could talk (or write) about them by the hour together. So MrsHominy at last came down on Martin heavily, and as he was fast asleep,she had it all her own way, and bruised him to her heart's content.
It is no great matter what Mrs Hominy said, save that she had learnt itfrom the cant of a class, and a large class, of her fellow countrymen,who in their every word, avow themselves to be as senseless to the highprinciples on which America sprang, a nation, into life, as any Orson inher legislative halls. Who are no more capable of feeling, or of caringif they did feel, that by reducing their own country to the ebb ofhonest men's contempt, they put in
hazard the rights of nations yetunborn, and very progress of the human race, than are the swine whowallow in their streets. Who think that crying out to other nations,old in their iniquity, 'We are no worse than you!' (No worse!) is highdefence and 'vantage-ground enough for that Republic, but yesterday letloose upon her noble course, and but to-day so maimed and lame, so fullof sores and ulcers, foul to the eye and almost hopeless to the sense,that her best friends turn from the loathsome creature with disgust.Who, having by their ancestors declared and won their Independence,because they would not bend the knee to certain Public vices andcorruptions, and would not abrogate the truth, run riot in the Bad,and turn their backs upon the Good; and lying down contented with thewretched boast that other Temples also are of glass, and stones whichbatter theirs may be flung back; show themselves, in that alone, asimmeasurably behind the import of the trust they hold, and as unworthyto possess it as if the sordid hucksterings of all their littlegovernments--each one a kingdom in its small depravity--were broughtinto a heap for evidence against them.
Martin by degrees became so far awake, that he had a sense of a terribleoppression on his mind; an imperfect dream that he had murdered aparticular friend, and couldn't get rid of the body. When his eyesopened it was staring him full in the face. There was the horribleHominy talking deep truths in a melodious snuffle, and pouring forth hermental endowments to such an extent that the Major's bitterest enemy,hearing her, would have forgiven him from the bottom of his heart.Martin might have done something desperate if the gong had not soundedfor supper; but sound it did most opportunely; and having stationed MrsHominy at the upper end of the table he took refuge at the lower endhimself; whence, after a hasty meal he stole away, while the lady wasyet busied with dried beef and a saucer-full of pickled fixings.
It would be difficult to give an adequate idea of Mrs Hominy's freshnessnext day, or of the avidity with which she went headlong into moralphilosophy at breakfast. Some little additional degree of asperity,perhaps, was visible in her features, but not more than the pickleswould have naturally produced. All that day she clung to Martin. Shesat beside him while he received his friends (for there was anotherReception, yet more numerous than the former), propounded theories, andanswered imaginary objections, so that Martin really began to think hemust be dreaming, and speaking for two; she quoted interminable passagesfrom certain essays on government, written by herself; used the Major'spocket-handkerchief as if the snuffle were a temporary malady, of whichshe was determined to rid herself by some means or other; and, in short,was such a remarkable companion, that Martin quite settled it betweenhimself and his conscience, that in any new settlement it would beabsolutely necessary to have such a person knocked on the head for thegeneral peace of society.
In the meantime Mark was busy, from early in the morning until lateat night, in getting on board the steamboat such provisions, tools andother necessaries, as they had been forewarned it would be wise to take.The purchase of these things, and the settlement of their bill at theNational, reduced their finances to so low an ebb, that if the captainhad delayed his departure any longer, they would have been in almost asbad a plight as the unfortunate poorer emigrants, who (seduced on boardby solemn advertisement) had been living on the lower deck a whole week,and exhausting their miserable stock of provisions before the voyagecommenced. There they were, all huddled together with the engine and thefires. Farmers who had never seen a plough; woodmen who had never usedan axe; builders who couldn't make a box; cast out of their own land,with not a hand to aid them: newly come into an unknown world, childrenin helplessness, but men in wants--with younger children at their backs,to live or die as it might happen!
The morning came, and they would start at noon. Noon came, and theywould start at night. But nothing is eternal in this world; not even theprocrastination of an American skipper; and at night all was ready.
Dispirited and weary to the last degree, but a greater lion thanever (he had done nothing all the afternoon but answer letters fromstrangers; half of them about nothing; half about borrowing money, andall requiring an instantaneous reply), Martin walked down to the wharf,through a concourse of people, with Mrs Hominy upon his arm; and went onboard. But Mark was bent on solving the riddle of this lionship, if hecould; and so, not without the risk of being left behind, ran back tothe hotel.
Captain Kedgick was sitting in the colonnade, with a julep on his knee,and a cigar in his mouth. He caught Mark's eye, and said:
'Why, what the 'Tarnal brings you here?'
'I'll tell you plainly what it is, Captain,' said Mark. 'I want to askyou a question.'
'A man may ASK a question, so he may,' returned Kedgick; stronglyimplying that another man might not answer a question, so he mightn't.
'What have they been making so much of him for, now?' said Mark, slyly.'Come!'
'Our people like ex-citement,' answered Kedgick, sucking his cigar.
'But how has he excited 'em?' asked Mark.
The Captain looked at him as if he were half inclined to unburden hismind of a capital joke.
'You air a-going?' he said.
'Going!' cried Mark. 'Ain't every moment precious?'
'Our people like ex-citement,' said the Captain, whispering. 'He ain'tlike emigrants in gin'ral; and he excited 'em along of this;' he winkedand burst into a smothered laugh; 'along of this. Scadder is a smartman, and--and--nobody as goes to Eden ever comes back alive!'
The wharf was close at hand, and at that instant Mark could hear themshouting out his name; could even hear Martin calling to him to makehaste, or they would be separated. It was too late to mend the matter,or put any face upon it but the best. He gave the Captain a partingbenediction, and ran off like a race-horse.
'Mark! Mark!' cried Martin.
'Here am I, sir!' shouted Mark, suddenly replying from the edge of thequay, and leaping at a bound on board. 'Never was half so jolly, sir.All right. Haul in! Go ahead!'
The sparks from the wood fire streamed upward from the two chimneys, asif the vessel were a great firework just lighted; and they roared awayupon the dark water.
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