Martin Chuzzlewit

by Charles Dickens

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  MR MONTAGUE AT HOME. AND MR JONAS CHUZZLEWIT AT HOME

  There were many powerful reasons for Jonas Chuzzlewit being stronglyprepossessed in favour of the scheme which its great originator had soboldly laid open to him; but three among them stood prominently forward.Firstly, there was money to be made by it. Secondly, the money had thepeculiar charm of being sagaciously obtained at other people's cost.Thirdly, it involved much outward show of homage and distinction: aboard being an awful institution in its own sphere, and a director amighty man. 'To make a swingeing profit, have a lot of chaps to orderabout, and get into regular good society by one and the same means, andthem so easy to one's hand, ain't such a bad look-out,' thoughtJonas. The latter considerations were only second to his avarice; for,conscious that there was nothing in his person, conduct, character, oraccomplishments, to command respect, he was greedy of power, and was, inhis heart, as much a tyrant as any laureled conqueror on record.

  But he determined to proceed with cunning and caution, and to be verykeen on his observation of the gentility of Mr Montague's privateestablishment. For it no more occurred to this shallow knave thatMontague wanted him to be so, or he wouldn't have invited him while hisdecision was yet in abeyance, than the possibility of that genius beingable to overreach him in any way, pierced through his self-deceit by theinlet of a needle's point. He had said, in the outset, that Jonaswas too sharp for him; and Jonas, who would have been sharp enough tobelieve him in nothing else, though he had solemnly sworn it, believedhim in that, instantly.

  It was with a faltering hand, and yet with an imbecile attempt at aswagger, that he knocked at his new friend's door in Pall Mall when theappointed hour arrived. Mr Bailey quickly answered to the summons. Hewas not proud and was kindly disposed to take notice of Jonas; but Jonashad forgotten him.

  'Mr Montague at home?'

  'I should hope he wos at home, and waiting dinner, too,' said Bailey,with the ease of an old acquaintance. 'Will you take your hat up alongwith you, or leave it here?'

  Mr Jonas preferred leaving it there.

  'The hold name, I suppose?' said Bailey, with a grin.

  Mr Jonas stared at him in mute indignation.

  'What, don't you remember hold mother Todgers's?' said Mr Bailey, withhis favourite action of the knees and boots. 'Don't you remember mytaking your name up to the young ladies, when you came a-courting there?A reg'lar scaly old shop, warn't it? Times is changed ain't they. I sayhow you've growed!'

  Without pausing for any acknowledgement of this compliment, he usheredthe visitor upstairs, and having announced him, retired with a privatewink.

  The lower story of the house was occupied by a wealthy tradesman, butMr Montague had all the upper portion, and splendid lodging it was. Theroom in which he received Jonas was a spacious and elegant apartment,furnished with extreme magnificence; decorated with pictures, copiesfrom the antique in alabaster and marble, china vases, lofty mirrors,crimson hangings of the richest silk, gilded carvings, luxuriouscouches, glistening cabinets inlaid with precious woods; costly toys ofevery sort in negligent abundance. The only guests besides Jonaswere the doctor, the resident Director, and two other gentlemen, whomMontague presented in due form.

  'My dear friend, I am delighted to see you. Jobling you know, Ibelieve?'

  'I think so,' said the doctor pleasantly, as he stepped out of thecircle to shake hands. 'I trust I have the honour. I hope so. My dearsir, I see you well. Quite well? THAT'S well!'

  'Mr Wolf,' said Montague, as soon as the doctor would allow him tointroduce the two others, 'Mr Chuzzlewit. Mr Pip, Mr Chuzzlewit.'

  Both gentlemen were exceedingly happy to have the honour of making MrChuzzlewit's acquaintance. The doctor drew Jonas a little apart, andwhispered behind his hand:

  'Men of the world, my dear sir--men of the world. Hem! Mr Wolf--literarycharacter--you needn't mention it--remarkably clever weekly paper--oh,remarkably clever! Mr Pip--theatrical man--capital man to know--oh,capital man!'

  'Well!' said Wolf, folding his arms and resuming a conversation whichthe arrival of Jonas had interrupted. 'And what did Lord Nobley say tothat?'

  'Why,' returned Pip, with an oath. 'He didn't know what to say. Same,sir, if he wasn't as mute as a poker. But you know what a good fellowNobley is!'

  'The best fellow in the world!' cried Wolf. 'It as only last week thatNobley said to me, "By Gad, Wolf, I've got a living to bestow, and ifyou had but been brought up at the University, strike me blind if Iwouldn't have made a parson of you!"'

  'Just like him,' said Pip with another oath. 'And he'd have done it!'

  'Not a doubt of it,' said Wolf. 'But you were going to tell us--'

  'Oh, yes!' cried Pip. 'To be sure. So I was. At first he was dumb--sewnup, dead, sir--but after a minute he said to the Duke, "Here's Pip.Ask Pip. Pip's our mutual friend. Ask Pip. He knows." "Damme!" said theDuke, "I appeal to Pip then. Come, Pip. Bandy or not bandy? Speak out!""Bandy, your Grace, by the Lord Harry!" said I. "Ha, ha!" laughed theDuke. "To be sure she is. Bravo, Pip. Well said Pip. I wish I may dieif you're not a trump, Pip. Pop me down among your fashionable visitorswhenever I'm in town, Pip." And so I do, to this day.'

  The conclusion of this story gave immense satisfaction, which was inno degree lessened by the announcement of dinner. Jonas repaired to thedining room, along with his distinguished host, and took his seat at theboard between that individual and his friend the doctor. The rest fellinto their places like men who were well accustomed to the house; anddinner was done full justice to, by all parties.

  It was a good a one as money (or credit, no matter which) could produce.The dishes, wines, and fruits were of the choicest kind. Everything waselegantly served. The plate was gorgeous. Mr Jonas was in the midst ofa calculation of the value of this item alone, when his host disturbedhim.

  'A glass of wine?'

  'Oh!' said Jonas, who had had several glasses already. 'As much of thatas you like! It's too good to refuse.'

  'Well said, Mr Chuzzlewit!' cried Wolf.

  'Tom Gag, upon my soul!' said Pip.

  'Positively, you know, that's--ha, ha, ha!' observed the doctor, layingdown his knife and fork for one instant, and then going to work again,pell-mell--'that's epigrammatic; quite!'

  'You're tolerably comfortable, I hope?' said Tigg, apart to Jonas.

  'Oh! You needn't trouble your head about ME,' he replied, 'Famous!'

  'I thought it best not to have a party,' said Tigg. 'You feel that?'

  'Why, what do you call this?' retorted Jonas. 'You don't mean to say youdo this every day, do you?'

  'My dear fellow,' said Montague, shrugging his shoulders, 'every day ofmy life, when I dine at home. This is my common style. It was of no usehaving anything uncommon for you. You'd have seen through it. "You'llhave a party?" said Crimple. "No, I won't," I said, "he shall take us inthe rough!"

  'And pretty smooth, too, ecod!' said Jonas, glancing round the table.'This don't cost a trifle.'

  'Why, to be candid with you, it does not,' returned the other. 'But Ilike this sort of thing. It's the way I spend my money.'

  Jonas thrust his tongue into his cheek, and said, 'Was it?'

  'When you join us, you won't get rid of your share of the profits in thesame way?' said Tigg.

  'Quite different,' retorted Jonas.

  'Well, and you're right,' said Tigg, with friendly candour. 'Youneedn't. It's not necessary. One of a Company must do it to holdthe connection together; but, as I take a pleasure in it, that's mydepartment. You don't mind dining expensively at another man's expense,I hope?'

  'Not a bit,' said Jonas.

  'Then I hope you'll often dine with me?'

  'Ah!' said Jonas, 'I don't mind. On the contrary.'

  'And I'll never attempt to talk business to you over wine, I take myoath,' said Tigg. 'Oh deep, deep, deep of you this morning! I must tell'em that. They're the very men to enjoy it. Pip, my good fellow, I'vea splendid little trait to tell you of my friend Chuz
zlewit who isthe deepest dog I know; I give you my sacred word of honour he is thedeepest dog I know, Pip!'

  Pip swore a frightful oath that he was sure of it already; andthe anecdote, being told, was received with loud applause, as anincontestable proof of Mr Jonas's greatness. Pip, in a natural spirit ofemulation, then related some instances of his own depth; and Wolf notto be left behind-hand, recited the leading points of one or two vastlyhumorous articles he was then preparing. These lucubrations being ofwhat he called 'a warm complexion,' were highly approved; and all thecompany agreed that they were full of point.

  'Men of the world, my dear sir,' Jobling whispered to Jonas; 'thoroughmen of the world! To a professional person like myself it'squite refreshing to come into this kind of society. It's not onlyagreeable--and nothing CAN be more agreeable--but it's philosophicallyimproving. It's character, my dear sir; character!'

  It is so pleasant to find real merit appreciated, whatever itsparticular walk in life may be, that the general harmony of the companywas doubtless much promoted by their knowing that the two men of theworld were held in great esteem by the upper classes of society, andby the gallant defenders of their country in the army and navy, butparticularly the former. The least of their stories had a colonel in it;lords were as plentiful as oaths; and even the Blood Royal ran in themuddy channel of their personal recollections.

  'Mr Chuzzlewit didn't know him, I'm afraid,' said Wolf, in reference toa certain personage of illustrious descent, who had previously figuredin a reminiscence.

  'No,' said Tigg. 'But we must bring him into contact with this sort offellows.'

  'He was very fond of literature,' observed Wolf.

  'Was he?' said Tigg.

  'Oh, yes; he took my paper regularly for many years. Do you know hesaid some good things now and then? He asked a certain Viscount, who'sa friend of mine--Pip knows him--"What's the editor's name, what's theeditor's name?" "Wolf." "Wolf, eh? Sharp biter, Wolf. We must keep theWolf from the door, as the proverb says." It was very well. And beingcomplimentary, I printed it.'

  'But the Viscount's the boy!' cried Pip, who invented a new oath forthe introduction of everything he said. 'The Viscount's the boy! He cameinto our place one night to take Her home; rather slued, but not much;and said, "Where's Pip? I want to see Pip. Produce Pip!"--"What's therow, my lord?"--"Shakspeare's an infernal humbug, Pip! What's the goodof Shakspeare, Pip? I never read him. What the devil is it all about,Pip? There's a lot of feet in Shakspeare's verse, but there an't anylegs worth mentioning in Shakspeare's plays, are there, Pip? Juliet,Desdemona, Lady Macbeth, and all the rest of 'em, whatever their namesare, might as well have no legs at all, for anything the audience knowabout it, Pip. Why, in that respect they're all Miss Biffins to theaudience, Pip. I'll tell you what it is. What the people call dramaticpoetry is a collection of sermons. Do I go to the theatre to belectured? No, Pip. If I wanted that, I'd go to church. What's thelegitimate object of the drama, Pip? Human nature. What are legs? Humannature. Then let us have plenty of leg pieces, Pip, and I'll stand byyou, my buck!" and I am proud to say,' added Pip, 'that he DID stand byme, handsomely.'

  The conversation now becoming general, Mr Jonas's opinion was requestedon this subject; and as it was in full accordance with the sentiments ofMr Pip, that gentleman was extremely gratified. Indeed, both himself andWolf had so much in common with Jonas, that they became very amicable;and between their increasing friendship and the fumes of wine, Jonasgrew talkative.

  It does not follow in the case of such a person that the more talkativehe becomes, the more agreeable he is; on the contrary, his merits showto most advantage, perhaps, in silence. Having no means, as he thought,of putting himself on an equality with the rest, but by the assertionof that depth and sharpness on which he had been complimented, Jonasexhibited that faculty to the utmost; and was so deep and sharp thathe lost himself in his own profundity, and cut his fingers with his ownedge-tools.

  It was especially in his way and character to exhibit his quality at hisentertainer's expense; and while he drank of his sparkling wines, andpartook of his monstrous profusion, to ridicule the extravagance whichhad set such costly fare before him. Even at such a wanton board, and insuch more than doubtful company, this might have proved a disagreeableexperiment, but that Tigg and Crimple, studying to understand their manthoroughly, gave him what license he chose: knowing that the morehe took, the better for their purpose. And thus while the blunderingcheat--gull that he was, for all his cunning--thought himself rolledup hedgehog fashion, with his sharpest points towards them, he was,in fact, betraying all his vulnerable parts to their unwinkingwatchfulness.

  Whether the two gentlemen who contributed so much to the doctor'sphilosophical knowledge (by the way, the doctor slipped off quietly,after swallowing his usual amount of wine) had had their cue distinctlyfrom the host, or took it from what they saw and heard, they actedtheir parts very well. They solicited the honour of Jonas's betteracquaintance; trusted that they would have the pleasure of introducinghim into that elevated society in which he was so well qualified toshine; and informed him, in the most friendly manner that the advantagesof their respective establishments were entirely at his control. In aword, they said 'Be one of us!' And Jonas said he was infinitely obligedto them, and he would be; adding within himself, that so long as they'stood treat,' there was nothing he would like better.

  After coffee, which was served in the drawing-room, there was a shortinterval (mainly sustained by Pip and Wolf) of conversation; ratherhighly spiced and strongly seasoned. When it flagged, Jonas took it upand showed considerable humour in appraising the furniture; inquiringwhether such an article was paid for; what it had originally cost, andthe like. In all of this, he was, as he considered, desperately hard onMontague, and very demonstrative of his own brilliant parts.

  Some Champagne Punch gave a new though temporary fillip to theentertainments of the evening. For after leading to some noisyproceedings, which were not intelligible, it ended in the unsteadydeparture of the two gentlemen of the world, and the slumber of Mr Jonasupon one of the sofas.

  As he could not be made to understand where he was, Mr Bailey receivedorders to call a hackney-coach, and take him home; which that younggentleman roused himself from an uneasy sleep in the hall to do. Itbeing now almost three o'clock in the morning.

  'Is he hooked, do you think?' whispered Crimple, as himself and partnerstood in a distant part of the room observing him as he lay.

  'Aye!' said Tigg, in the same tone. 'With a strong iron, perhaps. HasNadgett been here to-night?'

  'Yes. I went out to him. Hearing you had company, he went away.'

  'Why did he do that?'

  'He said he would come back early in the morning, before you were out ofbed.'

  'Tell them to be sure and send him up to my bedside. Hush! Here's theboy! Now Mr Bailey, take this gentleman home, and see him safely in.Hallo, here! Why Chuzzlewit, halloa!'

  They got him upright with some difficulty, and assisted him downstairs,where they put his hat upon his head, and tumbled him into the coach.Mr Bailey, having shut him in, mounted the box beside the coachman, andsmoked his cigar with an air of particular satisfaction; the undertakingin which he was engaged having a free and sporting character about it,which was quite congenial to his taste.

  Arriving in due time at the house in the City, Mr Bailey jumped down,and expressed the lively nature of his feelings in a knock the like ofwhich had probably not been heard in that quarter since the great fireof London. Going out into the road to observe the effect of this feat,he saw that a dim light, previously visible at an upper window, had beenalready removed and was travelling downstairs. To obtain a foreknowledgeof the bearer of this taper, Mr Bailey skipped back to the door again,and put his eye to the keyhole.

  It was the merry one herself. But sadly, strangely altered! So carewornand dejected, so faltering and full of fear; so fallen, humbled,broken; that to have seen her quiet in her coffin would have been a lesssurprise.

 
She set the light upon a bracket in the hall, and laid her hand upon herheart; upon her eyes; upon her burning head. Then she came on towardsthe door with such a wild and hurried step that Mr Bailey lost hisself-possession, and still had his eye where the keyhole had been, whenshe opened it.

  'Aha!' said Mr Bailey, with an effort. 'There you are, are you? What'sthe matter? Ain't you well, though?'

  In the midst of her astonishment as she recognized him in his altereddress, so much of her old smile came back to her face that Bailey wasglad. But next moment he was sorry again, for he saw tears standing inher poor dim eyes.

  'Don't be frightened,' said Bailey. 'There ain't nothing the matter.I've brought home Mr Chuzzlewit. He ain't ill. He's only a littleswipey, you know.' Mr Bailey reeled in his boots, to expressintoxication.

  'Have you come from Mrs Todgers's?' asked Merry, trembling.

  'Todgers's, bless you! No!' cried Mr Bailey. 'I haven't got nothin, todo with Todgers's. I cut that connection long ago. He's been a-diningwith my governor at the west-end. Didn't you know he was a-coming to seeus?'

  'No,' she said, faintly.

  'Oh yes! We're heavy swells too, and so I tell you. Don't you come out,a-catching cold in your head. I'll wake him!' Mr Bailey expressing inhis demeanour a perfect confidence that he could carry him in with ease,if necessary, opened the coach door, let down the steps, and givingJonas a shake, cried 'We've got home, my flower! Tumble up, then!'

  He was so far recovered as to be able to respond to this appeal, andto come stumbling out of the coach in a heap, to the great hazard of MrBailey's person. When he got upon the pavement, Mr Bailey first buttedat him in front, and then dexterously propped him up behind; and havingsteadied him by these means, he assisted him into the house.

  'You go up first with the light,' said Bailey to Mr Jonas, 'and we'llfoller. Don't tremble so. He won't hurt you. When I've had a drop toomuch, I'm full of good natur myself.'

  She went on before; and her husband and Bailey, by dint of tumblingover each other, and knocking themselves about, got at last into thesitting-room above stairs, where Jonas staggered into a seat.

  'There!' said Mr Bailey. 'He's all right now. You ain't got nothing tocry for, bless you! He's righter than a trivet!'

  The ill-favoured brute, with dress awry, and sodden face, and rumpledhair, sat blinking and drooping, and rolling his idiotic eyes about,until, becoming conscious by degrees, he recognized his wife, and shookhis fist at her.

  'Ah!' cried Mr Bailey, squaring his arms with a sudden emotion. 'What,you're wicious, are you? Would you though! You'd better not!'

  'Pray, go away!' said Merry. 'Bailey, my good boy, go home. Jonas!' shesaid; timidly laying her hand upon his shoulder, and bending her headdown over him. 'Jonas!'

  'Look at her!' cried Jonas, pushing her off with his extended arm. 'Lookhere! Look at her! Here's a bargain for a man!'

  'Dear Jonas!'

  'Dear Devil!' he replied, with a fierce gesture. 'You're a pretty clogto be tied to a man for life, you mewling, white-faced cat! Get out ofmy sight!'

  'I know you don't mean it, Jonas. You wouldn't say it if you weresober.'

  With affected gayety she gave Bailey a piece of money, and againimplored him to be gone. Her entreaty was so earnest, that the boy hadnot the heart to stay there. But he stopped at the bottom of the stairs,and listened.

  'I wouldn't say it if I was sober!' retorted Jonas. 'You know better.Have I never said it when I was sober?'

  'Often, indeed!' she answered through her tears.

  'Hark ye!' cried Jonas, stamping his foot upon the ground. 'You made mebear your pretty humours once, and ecod I'll make you bear mine now. Ialways promised myself I would. I married you that I might. I'll knowwho's master, and who's slave!'

  'Heaven knows I am obedient!' said the sobbing girl. 'Much more so thanI ever thought to be!'

  Jonas laughed in his drunken exultation. 'What! you're finding it out,are you! Patience, and you will in time! Griffins have claws, my girl.There's not a pretty slight you ever put upon me, nor a pretty trick youever played me, nor a pretty insolence you ever showed me, that I won'tpay back a hundred-fold. What else did I marry you for? YOU, too!' hesaid, with coarse contempt.

  It might have softened him--indeed it might--to hear her turn a littlefragment of a song he used to say he liked; trying, with a heart sofull, to win him back.

  'Oho!' he said, 'you're deaf, are you? You don't hear me, eh? So muchthe better for you. I hate you. I hate myself, for having, been foolenough to strap a pack upon my back for the pleasure of treading on itwhenever I choose. Why, things have opened to me, now, so that I mightmarry almost where I liked. But I wouldn't; I'd keep single. I ought tobe single, among the friends I know. Instead of that, here I am, tiedlike a log to you. Pah! Why do you show your pale face when I come home?Am I never to forget you?'

  'How late it is!' she said cheerfully, opening the shutter after aninterval of silence. 'Broad day, Jonas!'

  'Broad day or black night, what do I care!' was the kind rejoinder.

  'The night passed quickly, too. I don't mind sitting up, at all.'

  'Sit up for me again, if you dare!' growled Jonas.

  'I was reading,' she proceeded, 'all night long. I began when you wentout, and read till you came home again. The strangest story, Jonas! Andtrue, the book says. I'll tell it you to-morrow.'

  'True, was it?' said Jonas, doggedly.

  'So the book says.'

  'Was there anything in it, about a man's being determined to conquer hiswife, break her spirit, bend her temper, crush all her humours like somany nut-shells--kill her, for aught I know?' said Jonas.

  'No. Not a word,' she answered quickly.

  'Oh!' he returned. 'That'll be a true story though, before long; for allthe book says nothing about it. It's a lying book, I see. A fit book fora lying reader. But you're deaf. I forgot that.'

  There was another interval of silence; and the boy was stealing away,when he heard her footstep on the floor, and stopped. She went up tohim, as it seemed, and spoke lovingly; saying that she would defer tohim in everything and would consult his wishes and obey them, and theymight be very happy if he would be gentle with her. He answered with animprecation, and--

  Not with a blow? Yes. Stern truth against the base-souled villain; witha blow.

  No angry cries; no loud reproaches. Even her weeping and her sobs werestifled by her clinging round him. She only said, repeating it in agonyof heart, how could he, could he, could he--and lost utterance in tears.

  Oh woman, God beloved in old Jerusalem! The best among us need deallightly with thy faults, if only for the punishment thy nature willendure, in bearing heavy evidence against us, on the Day of Judgment!