CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
IN WHICH THE TRAVELLERS MOVE HOMEWARD, AND ENCOUNTER SOME DISTINGUISHEDCHARACTERS UPON THE WAY
Among the passengers on board the steamboat, there was a faint gentlemansitting on a low camp-stool, with his legs on a high barrel of flour, asif he were looking at the prospect with his ankles, who attracted theirattention speedily.
He had straight black hair, parted up the middle of his head and hangingdown upon his coat; a little fringe of hair upon his chin; wore noneckcloth; a white hat; a suit of black, long in the sleeves and shortin the legs; soiled brown stockings and laced shoes. His complexion,naturally muddy, was rendered muddier by too strict an economy of soapand water; and the same observation will apply to the washable partof his attire, which he might have changed with comfort to himself andgratification to his friends. He was about five and thirty; was crushedand jammed up in a heap, under the shade of a large green cottonumbrella; and ruminated over his tobacco-plug like a cow.
He was not singular, to be sure, in these respects; for every gentlemanon board appeared to have had a difference with his laundress and tohave left off washing himself in early youth. Every gentleman, too,was perfectly stopped up with tight plugging, and was dislocated inthe greater part of his joints. But about this gentleman there was apeculiar air of sagacity and wisdom, which convinced Martin that he wasno common character; and this turned out to be the case.
'How do you do sir?' said a voice in Martin's ear
'How do you do sir?' said Martin.
It was a tall thin gentleman who spoke to him, with a carpet-cap on,and a long loose coat of green baize, ornamented about the pockets withblack velvet.
'You air from Europe, sir?'
'I am,' said Martin.
'You air fortunate, sir.'
Martin thought so too; but he soon discovered that the gentleman and heattached different meanings to this remark.
'You air fortunate, sir, in having an opportunity of beholding ourElijah Pogram, sir.'
'Your Elijahpogram!' said Martin, thinking it was all one word, and abuilding of some sort.
'Yes sir.'
Martin tried to look as if he understood him, but he couldn't make itout.
'Yes, sir,' repeated the gentleman, 'our Elijah Pogram, sir, is, at thisminute, identically settin' by the engine biler.'
The gentleman under the umbrella put his right forefinger to hiseyebrow, as if he were revolving schemes of state.
'That is Elijah Pogram, is it?' said Martin.
'Yes, sir,' replied the other. 'That is Elijah Pogram.'
'Dear me!' said Martin. 'I am astonished.' But he had not the least ideawho this Elijah Pogram was; having never heard the name in all his life.
'If the biler of this vessel was Toe bust, sir,' said his newacquaintance, 'and Toe bust now, this would be a festival day in thecalendar of despotism; pretty nigh equallin', sir, in its effects uponthe human race, our Fourth of glorious July. Yes, sir, that is theHonourable Elijah Pogram, Member of Congress; one of the master-minds ofour country, sir. There is a brow, sir, there!'
'Quite remarkable,' said Martin.
'Yes, sir. Our own immortal Chiggle, sir, is said to have observed,when he made the celebrated Pogram statter in marble, which rose so muchcon-test and preju-dice in Europe, that the brow was more than mortal.This was before the Pogram Defiance, and was, therefore, a pre-diction,cruel smart.'
'What is the Pogram Defiance?' asked Martin, thinking, perhaps, it wasthe sign of a public-house.
'An o-ration, sir,' returned his friend.
'Oh! to be sure,' cried Martin. 'What am I thinking of! It defied--'
'It defied the world, sir,' said the other, gravely. 'Defied the worldin general to com-pete with our country upon any hook; and devellop'dour internal resources for making war upon the universal airth. Youwould like to know Elijah Pogram, sir?'
'If you please,' said Martin.
'Mr Pogram,' said the stranger--Mr Pogram having overheard every word ofthe dialogue--'this is a gentleman from Europe, sir; from England, sir.But gen'rous ene-mies may meet upon the neutral sile of private life, Ithink.'
The languid Mr Pogram shook hands with Martin, like a clock-work figurethat was just running down. But he made amends by chewing like one thatwas just wound up.
'Mr Pogram,' said the introducer, 'is a public servant, sir. WhenCongress is recessed, he makes himself acquainted with those free UnitedStates, of which he is the gifted son.'
It occurred to Martin that if the Honourable Elijah Pogram had stayed athome, and sent his shoes upon a tour, they would have answered thesame purpose; for they were the only part of him in a situation to seeanything.
In course of time, however, Mr Pogram rose; and having ejected certainplugging consequences which would have impeded his articulation, took upa position where there was something to lean against, and began to talkto Martin; shading himself with the green umbrella all the time.
As he began with the words, 'How do you like--?' Martin took him up andsaid:
'The country, I presume?'
'Yes, sir,' said Elijah Pogram. A knot of passengers gathered round tohear what followed; and Martin heard his friend say, as he whisperedto another friend, and rubbed his hands, 'Pogram will smash him intosky-blue fits, I know!'
'Why,' said Martin, after a moment's hesitation, 'I have learned byexperience, that you take an unfair advantage of a stranger, when youask that question. You don't mean it to be answered, except in one way.Now, I don't choose to answer it in that way, for I cannot honestlyanswer it in that way. And therefore, I would rather not answer it atall.'
But Mr Pogram was going to make a great speech in the next sessionabout foreign relations, and was going to write strong articles on thesubject; and as he greatly favoured the free and independent custom (avery harmless and agreeable one) of procuring information of any sortin any kind of confidence, and afterwards perverting it publicly in anymanner that happened to suit him, he had determined to get at Martin'sopinions somehow or other. For if he could have got nothing out ofhim, he would have had to invent it for him, and that would have beenlaborious. He made a mental note of his answer, and went in again.
'You are from Eden, sir? How did you like Eden?'
Martin said what he thought of that part of the country, in prettystrong terms.
'It is strange,' said Pogram, looking round upon the group, 'this hatredof our country, and her Institutions! This national antipathy is deeplyrooted in the British mind!'
'Good Heaven, sir,' cried Martin. 'Is the Eden Land Corporation, with MrScadder at its head, and all the misery it has worked, at its door, anInstitution of America? A part of any form of government that ever wasknown or heard of?'
'I con-sider the cause of this to be,' said Pogram, looking round againand taking himself up where Martin had interrupted him, 'partly jealousyand pre-judice, and partly the nat'ral unfitness of the British peopleto appreciate the ex-alted Institutions of our native land. I expect,sir,' turning to Martin again, 'that a gentleman named Chollop happenedin upon you during your lo-cation in the town of Eden?'
'Yes,' answered Martin; 'but my friend can answer this better than Ican, for I was very ill at the time. Mark! The gentleman is speaking ofMr Chollop.'
'Oh. Yes, sir. Yes. I see him,' observed Mark.
'A splendid example of our na-tive raw material, sir?' said Pogram,interrogatively.
'Indeed, sir!' cried Mark.
The Honourable Elijah Pogram glanced at his friends as though he wouldhave said, 'Observe this! See what follows!' and they rendered tributeto the Pogram genius by a gentle murmur.
'Our fellow-countryman is a model of a man, quite fresh from Natur'smould!' said Pogram, with enthusiasm. 'He is a true-born child of thisfree hemisphere! Verdant as the mountains of our country; bright andflowing as our mineral Licks; unspiled by withering conventionalitiesas air our broad and boundless Perearers! Rough he may be. So airour Barrs. Wild he may be. So air our Buffalers. But he
is a child ofNatur', and a child of Freedom; and his boastful answer to the Despotand the Tyrant is, that his bright home is in the Settin Sun.'
Part of this referred to Chollop, and part to a Western postmaster, who,being a public defaulter not very long before (a character not at alluncommon in America), had been removed from office; and on whose behalfMr Pogram (he voted for Pogram) had thundered the last sentence fromhis seat in Congress, at the head of an unpopular President. It toldbrilliantly; for the bystanders were delighted, and one of them said toMartin, 'that he guessed he had now seen something of the eloquentialaspect of our country, and was chawed up pritty small.'
Mr Pogram waited until his hearers were calm again, before he said toMark:
'You do not seem to coincide, sir?'
'Why,' said Mark, 'I didn't like him much; and that's the truth, sir. Ithought he was a bully; and I didn't admire his carryin' them murderouslittle persuaders, and being so ready to use 'em.'
'It's singler!' said Pogram, lifting his umbrella high enough tolook all round from under it. 'It's strange! You observe the settledopposition to our Institutions which pervades the British mind!'
'What an extraordinary people you are!' cried Martin. 'Are Mr Chollopand the class he represents, an Institution here? Are pistols withrevolving barrels, sword-sticks, bowie-knives, and such things,Institutions on which you pride yourselves? Are bloody duels, brutalcombats, savage assaults, shooting down and stabbing in the streets,your Institutions! Why, I shall hear next that Dishonour and Fraud areamong the Institutions of the great republic!'
The moment the words passed his lips, the Honourable Elijah Pogramlooked round again.
'This morbid hatred of our Institutions,' he observed, 'is quite a studyfor the psychological observer. He's alludin' to Repudiation now!'
'Oh! you may make anything an Institution if you like,' said Martin,laughing, 'and I confess you had me there, for you certainly have madethat one. But the greater part of these things are one Institution withus, and we call it by the generic name of Old Bailey!'
The bell being rung for dinner at this moment, everybody ran awayinto the cabin, whither the Honourable Elijah Pogram fled with suchprecipitation that he forgot his umbrella was up, and fixed it sotightly in the cabin door that it could neither be let down nor got out.For a minute or so this accident created a perfect rebellion among thehungry passengers behind, who, seeing the dishes, and hearing the knivesand forks at work, well knew what would happen unless they got thereinstantly, and were nearly mad; while several virtuous citizens at thetable were in deadly peril of choking themselves in their unnaturalefforts to get rid of all the meat before these others came.
They carried the umbrella by storm, however, and rushed in at thebreach. The Honourable Elijah Pogram and Martin found themselves, aftera severe struggle, side by side, as they might have come together in thepit of a London theatre; and for four whole minutes afterwards, Pogramwas snapping up great blocks of everything he could get hold of, like araven. When he had taken this unusually protracted dinner, he beganto talk to Martin; and begged him not to have the least delicacy inspeaking with perfect freedom to him, for he was a calm philosopher.Which Martin was extremely glad to hear; for he had begun to speculateon Elijah being a disciple of that other school of republicanphilosophy, whose noble sentiments are carved with knives upon a pupil'sbody, and written, not with pen and ink, but tar and feathers.
'What do you think of my countrymen who are present, sir?' inquiredElijah Pogram.
'Oh! very pleasant,' said Martin.
They were a very pleasant party. No man had spoken a word; every one hadbeen intent, as usual, on his own private gorging; and the greater partof the company were decidedly dirty feeders.
The Honourable Elijah Pogram looked at Martin as if he thought 'Youdon't mean that, I know!' and he was soon confirmed in this opinion.
Sitting opposite to them was a gentleman in a high state of tobacco, whowore quite a little beard, composed of the overflowing of that weed, asthey had dried about his mouth and chin; so common an ornament that itwould scarcely have attracted Martin's observation, but that this goodcitizen, burning to assert his equality against all comers, sucked hisknife for some moments, and made a cut with it at the butter, just asMartin was in the act of taking some. There was a juiciness about thedeed that might have sickened a scavenger.
When Elijah Pogram (to whom this was an every-day incident) saw thatMartin put the plate away, and took no butter, he was quite delighted,and said,
'Well! The morbid hatred of you British to the Institutions of ourcountry is as-TONishing!'
'Upon my life!' cried Martin, in his turn. 'This is the most wonderfulcommunity that ever existed. A man deliberately makes a hog of himself,and THAT'S an Institution!'
'We have no time to ac-quire forms, sir,' said Elijah Pogram.
'Acquire!' cried Martin. 'But it's not a question of acquiring anything.It's a question of losing the natural politeness of a savage, and thatinstinctive good breeding which admonishes one man not to offend anddisgust another. Don't you think that man over the way, for instance,naturally knows better, but considers it a very fine and independentthing to be a brute in small matters?'
'He is a na-tive of our country, and is nat'rally bright and spry, ofcourse,' said Mr Pogram.
'Now, observe what this comes to, Mr Pogram,' pursued Martin. 'Themass of your countrymen begin by stubbornly neglecting little socialobservances, which have nothing to do with gentility, custom, usage,government, or country, but are acts of common, decent, natural, humanpoliteness. You abet them in this, by resenting all attacks upon theirsocial offences as if they were a beautiful national feature. Fromdisregarding small obligations they come in regular course to disregardgreat ones; and so refuse to pay their debts. What they may do, or whatthey may refuse to do next, I don't know; but any man may see if hewill, that it will be something following in natural succession, and apart of one great growth, which is rotten at the root.'
The mind of Mr Pogram was too philosophical to see this; so they went ondeck again, where, resuming his former post, he chewed until he was in alethargic state, amounting to insensibility.
After a weary voyage of several days, they came again to that same wharfwhere Mark had been so nearly left behind, on the night of starting forEden. Captain Kedgick, the landlord, was standing there, and was greatlysurprised to see them coming from the boat.
'Why, what the 'tarnal!' cried the Captain. 'Well! I do admire at this,I do!'
'We can stay at your house until to-morrow, Captain, I suppose?' saidMartin.
'I reckon you can stay there for a twelvemonth if you like,' retortedKedgick coolly. 'But our people won't best like your coming back.'
'Won't like it, Captain Kedgick!' said Martin.
'They did expect you was a-going to settle,' Kedgick answered, as heshook his head. 'They've been took in, you can't deny!'
'What do you mean?' cried Martin.
'You didn't ought to have received 'em,' said the Captain. 'No youdidn't!'
'My good friend,' returned Martin, 'did I want to receive them? Wasit any act of mine? Didn't you tell me they would rile up, and that Ishould be flayed like a wild cat--and threaten all kinds of vengeance,if I didn't receive them?'
'I don't know about that,' returned the Captain. 'But when our people'sfrills is out, they're starched up pretty stiff, I tell you!'
With that, he fell into the rear to walk with Mark, while Martin andElijah Pogram went on to the National.
'We've come back alive, you see!' said Mark.
'It ain't the thing I did expect,' the Captain grumbled. 'A man ain'tgot no right to be a public man, unless he meets the public views. Ourfashionable people wouldn't have attended his le-vee, if they had know'dit.'
Nothing mollified the Captain, who persisted in taking it very illthat they had not both died in Eden. The boarders at the National feltstrongly on the subject too; but it happened by good fortune that theyhad not much time to think
about this grievance, for it was suddenlydetermined to pounce upon the Honourable Elijah Pogram, and give HIM ale-vee forthwith.
As the general evening meal of the house was over before the arrival ofthe boat, Martin, Mark, and Pogram were taking tea and fixings at thepublic table by themselves, when the deputation entered to announce thishonour; consisting of six gentlemen boarders and a very shrill boy.
'Sir!' said the spokesman.
'Mr Pogram!' cried the shrill boy.
The spokesman thus reminded of the shrill boy's presence, introducedhim. 'Doctor Ginery Dunkle, sir. A gentleman of great poetical elements.He has recently jined us here, sir, and is an acquisition to us, sir,I do assure you. Yes, sir. Mr Jodd, sir. Mr Izzard, sir. Mr Julius Bib,sir.'
'Julius Washington Merryweather Bib,' said the gentleman himself TOhimself.
'I beg your pardon, sir. Excuse me. Mr Julius Washington MerryweatherBib, sir; a gentleman in the lumber line, sir, and much esteemed.Colonel Groper, sir. Pro-fessor Piper, sir. My own name, sir, is OscarBuffum.'
Each man took one slide forward as he was named; butted at theHonourable Elijah Pogram with his head; shook hands, and slid backagain. The introductions being completed, the spokesman resumed.
'Sir!'
'Mr Pogram!' cried the shrill boy.
'Perhaps,' said the spokesman, with a hopeless look, 'you will be sogood, Dr. Ginery Dunkle, as to charge yourself with the execution of ourlittle office, sir?'
As there was nothing the shrill boy desired more, he immediately steppedforward.
'Mr Pogram! Sir! A handful of your fellow-citizens, sir, hearing of yourarrival at the National Hotel, and feeling the patriotic character ofyour public services, wish, sir, to have the gratification of beholdingyou, and mixing with you, sir; and unbending with you, sir, in thosemoments which--'
'Air,' suggested Buffum.
'Which air so peculiarly the lot, sir, of our great and happy country.'
'Hear!' cried Colonel Grouper, in a loud voice. 'Good! Hear him! Good!'
'And therefore, sir,' pursued the Doctor, 'they request; as A mark Oftheir respect; the honour of your company at a little le-Vee, sir, inthe ladies' ordinary, at eight o'clock.'
Mr Pogram bowed, and said:
'Fellow countrymen!'
'Good!' cried the Colonel. 'Hear, him! Good!'
Mr Pogram bowed to the Colonel individually, and then resumed.
'Your approbation of My labours in the common cause goes to My heart. Atall times and in all places; in the ladies' ordinary, My friends, and inthe Battle Field--'
'Good, very good! Hear him! Hear him!' said the Colonel.
'The name of Pogram will be proud to jine you. And may it, My friends,be written on My tomb, "He was a member of the Congress of our commoncountry, and was ac-Tive in his trust."'
'The Com-mittee, sir,' said the shrill boy, 'will wait upon you at fiveminutes afore eight. I take My leave, sir!'
Mr Pogram shook hands with him, and everybody else, once more; and whenthey came back again at five minutes before eight, they said, one byone, in a melancholy voice, 'How do you do, sir?' and shook hands withMr Pogram all over again, as if he had been abroad for a twelvemonth inthe meantime, and they met, now, at a funeral.
But by this time Mr Pogram had freshened himself up, and had composedhis hair and features after the Pogram statue, so that any one with halfan eye might cry out, 'There he is! as he delivered the Defiance!'The Committee were embellished also; and when they entered the ladies'ordinary in a body, there was much clapping of hands from ladies andgentlemen, accompanied by cries of 'Pogram! Pogram!' and some standingup on chairs to see him.
The object of the popular caress looked round the room as he walked upit, and smiled; at the same time observing to the shrill boy, that heknew something of the beauty of the daughters of their common country,but had never seen it in such lustre and perfection as at that moment.Which the shrill boy put in the paper next day; to Elijah Pogram's greatsurprise.
'We will re-quest you, sir, if you please,' said Buffum, laying hands onMr Pogram as if he were taking his measure for a coat, 'to stand up withyour back agin the wall right in the furthest corner, that there maybe more room for our fellow citizens. If you could set your back rightslap agin that curtain-peg, sir, keeping your left leg everlastinglybehind the stove, we should be fixed quite slick.'
Mr Pogram did as he was told, and wedged himself into such a littlecorner that the Pogram statue wouldn't have known him.
The entertainments of the evening then began. Gentlemen brought ladiesup, and brought themselves up, and brought each other up; and askedElijah Pogram what he thought of this political question, and whathe thought of that; and looked at him, and looked at one another, andseemed very unhappy indeed. The ladies on the chairs looked at ElijahPogram through their glasses, and said audibly, 'I wish he'd speak.Why don't he speak? Oh, do ask him to speak!' And Elijah Pogram lookedsometimes at the ladies and sometimes elsewhere, delivering senatorialopinions, as he was asked for them. But the great end and object of themeeting seemed to be, not to let Elijah Pogram out of the corner on anyaccount; so there they kept him, hard and fast.
A great bustle at the door, in the course of the evening, announced thearrival of some remarkable person; and immediately afterwards an elderlygentleman, much excited, was seen to precipitate himself upon the crowd,and battle his way towards the Honourable Elijah Pogram. Martin, who hadfound a snug place of observation in a distant corner, where hestood with Mark beside him (for he did not so often forget him nowas formerly, though he still did sometimes), thought he knew thisgentleman, but had no doubt of it, when he cried as loud as he could,with his eyes starting out of his head:
'Sir, Mrs Hominy!'
'Lord bless that woman, Mark. She has turned up again!'
'Here she comes, sir,' answered Mr Tapley. 'Pogram knows her. A publiccharacter! Always got her eye upon her country, sir! If that therelady's husband is of my opinion, what a jolly old gentleman he must be!'
A lane was made; and Mrs Hominy, with the aristocratic stalk, the pockethandkerchief, the clasped hands, and the classical cap, came slowly upit, in a procession of one. Mr Pogram testified emotions of delight onseeing her, and a general hush prevailed. For it was known that whena woman like Mrs Hominy encountered a man like Pogram, somethinginteresting must be said.
Their first salutations were exchanged in a voice too low to reach theimpatient ears of the throng; but they soon became audible, for MrsHominy felt her position, and knew what was expected of her.
Mrs H. was hard upon him at first; and put him through a rigid catechismin reference to a certain vote he had given, which she had found itnecessary, as the mother of the modern Gracchi, to deprecate in a lineby itself, set up expressly for the purpose in German text. But MrPogram evading it by a well-timed allusion to the star-spangled banner,which, it appeared, had the remarkable peculiarity of flouting thebreeze whenever it was hoisted where the wind blew, she forgave him.They now enlarged on certain questions of tariff, commercial treaty,boundary, importation and exportation with great effect. And Mrs Hominynot only talked, as the saying is, like a book, but actually did talkher own books, word for word.
'My! what is this!' cried Mrs Hominy, opening a little note which washanded her by her excited gentleman-usher. 'Do tell! oh, well, now! on'ythink!'
And then she read aloud, as follows:
'Two literary ladies present their compliments to the mother of themodern Gracchi, and claim her kind introduction, as their talentedcountrywoman, to the honourable (and distinguished) Elijah Pogram, whomthe two L. L.'s have often contemplated in the speaking marble of thesoul-subduing Chiggle. On a verbal intimation from the mother of the M.G., that she will comply with the request of the two L. L.'s, they willhave the immediate pleasure of joining the galaxy assembled to do honourto the patriotic conduct of a Pogram. It may be another bond of unionbetween the two L. L.'s and the mother of the M. G. to observe, that thetwo L. L.'s are Transcendental.'
Mrs Hominy promptly rose, and proceeded to the door, whence shereturned, after a minute's interval, with the two L. L.'s, whom she led,through the lane in the crowd, with all that stateliness of deportmentwhich was so remarkably her own, up to the great Elijah Pogram. It was(as the shrill boy cried out in an ecstasy) quite the Last Scene fromCoriolanus. One of the L. L.'s wore a brown wig of uncommon size.Sticking on the forehead of the other, by invisible means, was a massivecameo, in size and shape like the raspberry tart which is ordinarilysold for a penny, representing on its front the Capitol at Washington.
'Miss Toppit, and Miss Codger!' said Mrs Hominy.
'Codger's the lady so often mentioned in the English newspapers I shouldthink, sir,' whispered Mark. 'The oldest inhabitant as never remembersanything.'
'To be presented to a Pogram,' said Miss Codger, 'by a Hominy, indeed,a thrilling moment is it in its impressiveness on what we call ourfeelings. But why we call them so, or why impressed they are, or ifimpressed they are at all, or if at all we are, or if there really is,oh gasping one! a Pogram or a Hominy, or any active principle to whichwe give those titles, is a topic, Spirit searching, light abandoned,much too vast to enter on, at this unlooked-for crisis.'
'Mind and matter,' said the lady in the wig, 'glide swift into thevortex of immensity. Howls the sublime, and softly sleeps the calmIdeal, in the whispering chambers of Imagination. To hear it, sweetit is. But then, outlaughs the stern philosopher, and saith to theGrotesque, "What ho! arrest for me that Agency. Go, bring it here!" Andso the vision fadeth.'
After this, they both took Mr Pogram by the hand, and pressed it totheir lips, as a patriotic palm. That homage paid, the mother of themodern Gracchi called for chairs, and the three literary ladies went towork in earnest, to bring poor Pogram out, and make him show himself inall his brilliant colours.
How Pogram got out of his depth instantly, and how the three L. L.'swere never in theirs, is a piece of history not worth recording. Sufficeit, that being all four out of their depths, and all unable to swim,they splashed up words in all directions, and floundered about famously.On the whole, it was considered to have been the severest mentalexercise ever heard in the National Hotel. Tears stood in the shrillboy's eyes several times; and the whole company observed that theirheads ached with the effort--as well they might.
When it at last became necessary to release Elijah Pogram from thecorner, and the Committee saw him safely back again to the next room,they were fervent in their admiration.
'Which,' said Mr Buffum, 'must have vent, or it will bust. Toe you,Mr Pogram, I am grateful. Toe-wards you, sir, I am inspired with loftyveneration, and with deep e-mo-tion. The sentiment Toe which I wouldpropose to give ex-pression, sir, is this: "May you ever be as firm,sir, as your marble statter! May it ever be as great a terror Toe itsene-mies as you."'
There is some reason to suppose that it was rather terrible to itsfriends; being a statue of the Elevated or Goblin School, in which theHonourable Elijah Pogram was represented as in a very high wind, withhis hair all standing on end, and his nostrils blown wide open. But MrPogram thanked his friend and countryman for the aspiration to which hehad given utterance, and the Committee, after another solemn shaking ofhands, retired to bed, except the Doctor; who immediately repaired tothe newspaper-office, and there wrote a short poem suggested by theevents of the evening, beginning with fourteen stars, and headed, 'AFragment. Suggested by witnessing the Honourable Elijah Pogram engagedin a philosophical disputation with three of Columbia's fairestdaughters. By Doctor Ginery Dunkle. Of Troy.'
If Pogram was as glad to get to bed as Martin was, he must have beenwell rewarded for his labours. They started off again next day (Martinand Mark previously disposing of their goods to the storekeepers of whomthey had purchased them, for anything they would bring), and were fellowtravellers to within a short distance of New York. When Pogram was aboutto leave them he grew thoughtful, and after pondering for some time,took Martin aside.
'We air going to part, sir,' said Pogram.
'Pray don't distress yourself,' said Martin; 'we must bear it.'
'It ain't that, sir,' returned Pogram, 'not at all. But I should wishyou to accept a copy of My oration.'
'Thank you,' said Martin, 'you are very good. I shall be most happy.'
'It ain't quite that, sir, neither,' resumed Pogram; 'air you boldenough to introduce a copy into your country?'
'Certainly,' said Martin. 'Why not?'
'Its sentiments air strong, sir,' hinted Pogram, darkly.
'That makes no difference,' said Martin. 'I'll take a dozen if youlike.'
'No, sir,' retorted Pogram. 'Not A dozen. That is more than I require.If you are content to run the hazard, sir, here is one for your LordChancellor,' producing it, 'and one for Your principal Secretary ofState. I should wish them to see it, sir, as expressing what my opinionsair. That they may not plead ignorance at a future time. But don't getinto danger, sir, on my account!'
'There is not the least danger, I assure you,' said Martin. So he putthe pamphlets in his pocket, and they parted.
Mr Bevan had written in his letter that, at a certain time, which fellout happily just then, he would be at a certain hotel in the city,anxiously expecting to see them. To this place they repaired without amoment's delay. They had the satisfaction of finding him within; and ofbeing received by their good friend, with his own warmth and heartiness.
'I am truly sorry and ashamed,' said Martin, 'to have begged of you. Butlook at us. See what we are, and judge to what we are reduced!'
'So far from claiming to have done you any service,' returned the other,'I reproach myself with having been, unwittingly, the original causeof your misfortunes. I no more supposed you would go to Eden on suchrepresentations as you received; or, indeed, that you would do anythingbut be dispossessed, by the readiest means, of your idea that fortuneswere so easily made here; than I thought of going to Eden myself.'
'The fact is, I closed with the thing in a mad and sanguine manner,'said Martin, 'and the less said about it the better for me. Mark, here,hadn't a voice in the matter.'
'Well! but he hadn't a voice in any other matter, had he?' returned MrBevan; laughing with an air that showed his understanding of Mark andMartin too.
'Not a very powerful one, I am afraid,' said Martin with a blush. 'Butlive and learn, Mr Bevan! Nearly die and learn; we learn the quicker.'
'Now,' said their friend, 'about your plans. You mean to return home atonce?'
'Oh, I think so,' returned Martin hastily, for he turned pale at thethought of any other suggestion. 'That is your opinion too, I hope?'
'Unquestionably. For I don't know why you ever came here; though it'snot such an unusual case, I am sorry to say, that we need go any fartherinto that. You don't know that the ship in which you came over with ourfriend General Fladdock, is in port, of course?'
'Indeed!' said Martin.
'Yes. And is advertised to sail to-morrow.'
This was tempting news, but tantalising too; for Martin knew that hisgetting any employment on board a ship of that class was hopeless. Themoney in his pocket would not pay one-fourth of the sum he had alreadyborrowed, and if it had been enough for their passage-money, he couldhardly have resolved to spend it. He explained this to Mr Bevan, andstated what their project was.
'Why, that's as wild as Eden every bit,' returned his friend. 'You musttake your passage like a Christian; at least, as like a Christian as afore-cabin passenger can; and owe me a few more dollars than you intend.If Mark will go down to the ship and see what passengers there are,and finds that you can go in her without being actually suffocated, myadvice is, go! You and I will look about us in the meantime (we won'tcall at the Norris's unless you like), and we will all three dinetogether in the afternoon.'
Martin had nothing to express but gratitude, and so it was arranged.But he went out of the room after Mark, and advised him to take theirpassage in the Screw, though they lay upon the bare deck; which MrTapley, who needed no e
ntreaty on the subject readily promised to do.
When he and Martin met again, and were alone, he was in high spirits,and evidently had something to communicate, in which he gloried verymuch.
'I've done Mr Bevan, sir,' said Mark.
'Done Mr Bevan!' repeated Martin.
'The cook of the Screw went and got married yesterday, sir,' said MrTapley.
Martin looked at him for farther explanation.
'And when I got on board, and the word was passed that it was me,' saidMark, 'the mate he comes and asks me whether I'd engage to take thissaid cook's place upon the passage home. "For you're used to it," hesays; "you were always a-cooking for everybody on your passage out."And so I was,' said Mark, 'although I never cooked before, I'll take myoath.'
'What did you say?' demanded Martin.
'Say!' cried Mark. 'That I'd take anything I could get. "If that'sso," says the mate, "why, bring a glass of rum;" which they broughtaccording. And my wages, sir,' said Mark in high glee, 'pays yourpassage; and I've put the rolling-pin in your berth to take it (it'sthe easy one up in the corner); and there we are, Rule Britannia, andBritons strike home!'
'There never was such a good fellow as you are!' cried Martin seizinghim by the hand. 'But what do you mean by "doing" Mr Bevan, Mark?'
'Why, don't you see?' said Mark. 'We don't tell him, you know. We takehis money, but we don't spend it, and we don't keep it. What we do is,write him a little note, explaining this engagement, and roll it up,and leave it at the bar, to be given to him after we are gone. Don't yousee?'
Martin's delight in this idea was not inferior to Mark's. It was alldone as he proposed. They passed a cheerful evening; slept at the hotel;left the letter as arranged; and went off to the ship betimes nextmorning, with such light hearts as the weight of their past miseriesengendered.
'Good-bye! a hundred thousand times good-bye!' said Martin to theirfriend. 'How shall I remember all your kindness! How shall I ever thankyou!'
'If you ever become a rich man, or a powerful one,' returned his friend,'you shall try to make your Government more careful of its subjects whenthey roam abroad to live. Tell it what you know of emigration in yourown case, and impress upon it how much suffering may be prevented with alittle pains!'
Cheerily, lads, cheerily! Anchor weighed. Ship in full sail. Her sturdybowsprit pointing true to England. America a cloud upon the sea behindthem!
'Why, Cook! what are you thinking of so steadily?' said Martin.
'Why, I was a-thinking, sir,' returned Mark, 'that if I was a painterand was called upon to paint the American Eagle, how should I do it?'
'Paint it as like an Eagle as you could, I suppose.'
'No,' said Mark. 'That wouldn't do for me, sir. I should want to draw itlike a Bat, for its short-sightedness; like a Bantam, for its bragging;like a Magpie, for its honesty; like a Peacock, for its vanity; like aostrich, for its putting its head in the mud, and thinking nobody seesit--'
'And like a Phoenix, for its power of springing from the ashes of itsfaults and vices, and soaring up anew into the sky!' said Martin. 'Well,Mark. Let us hope so.'
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