To Wee or Not to Wee

by Pamela Butchart

  And that one day, Macbeth heard that an army from Norway was coming to Scotland to fight them.

  So Macbeth had a DOUBLE breakfast that morning and then went and got his best friend, Banquo, and they snuck up on the Norwegians and chopped ALL their heads off in less than twenty minutes. And even though there were HUNDREDS of Norwegians Macbeth and Banquo still won because they were very good at BATTLES because they’d been playing SWORDS since they were at primary school.

  But then on their way home three weird witches appeared out of the mist.

  One was as tall as a tree, one had a weird eye that looked a bit like a tadpole and the other one had a beard.

  “ALL HAIL MACBETH. FOR HE WILL BE KING!” they chanted.

  Macbeth was SHOCKED when he heard that because he knew that witches can see the FUTURE.

  But he was also excited because he had ALWAYS wanted to be king.

  But then the witches turned to Banquo and said, “Your son will be king after Macbeth.”

  Macbeth didn’t like that as much, because he didn’t like hearing about people that weren’t him becoming king.

  When King Duncan heard that Macbeth had won the battle he was SO PLEASED that he said he was going to come and stay over at Macbeth’s house and bring his friends, including Macduff, who was his very best friend, and his son, Malcolm, and have a party (which was a bit cheeky because no one had invited him, but he was the KING so he could do what he liked).

  Lady Macbeth was raging because she had to go shopping and get decorations and do a buffet and she only had an hour to do it because they didn’t have phones in Olden Times so she only found out about the king coming when Macbeth came home, covered in guts, and told her.

  That night, the king made a big announcement. He said that he was SO PROUD of someone that they were to be the next king.

  EVERYONE thought Duncan was going to say Macbeth’s name and they kept looking at Macbeth and winking at him. But that’s NOT what the king said. He said that his son, MALCOLM, would be the next king.

  That REALLY annoyed Macbeth because HE wanted to be king. Plus, Duncan had said it in front of

  so it was a bit embarrassing (especially because Macbeth cried a bit).

  Lady Macbeth took him into a different room and gave him a tissue made of cloth and told him to stop being such a big baby because she had a plan to take care of it but that she wouldn’t tell him if he didn’t stop crying, so he stopped.

  That’s when Lady Macbeth said that she thought Macbeth should MURDER King Duncan that night when he was sleeping on their sofa bed and then blame it on Duncan’s son, Malcolm.

  But Macbeth said, “You’ve gone MAD, Bethy!” (That’s what Macbeth called his wife because it takes quite a long time to say “Lady Macbeth” all the time, and also because he thought it was cute.)

  But Lady Macbeth said she HADN’T gone mad and that if Macbeth killed Duncan and blamed it on Malcolm then Malcolm would probably run away and hide and Macbeth would be KING.

  Macbeth got butterflies in his tummy when Lady Macbeth said that he would be king because it was something he

  about. Sometimes when Lady Macbeth went to the shops he’d make himself a crown out of kitchen roll and prance about the house saying stuff like, “I am THE KING. Make me a toastie or I’ll chop your head off!”

  So anyway, Macbeth said that he wasn’t sure about murdering King Duncan because he’d be in BIG TROUBLE if he got caught.

  But then Lady Macbeth started saying loads of stuff like, “A REAL king is BRAVE,” and “You’re not a big scaredy-cat, ARE you?”

  Lady Macbeth had ALWAYS been sneaky like that. She’d always managed to convince people to do stuff for her and give her their crisps.

  So Macbeth said, “Fine. I’ll do it,” because he didn’t want Lady Macbeth to call him names any more.

  So that night Lady Macbeth gave King Duncan’s guards some wine that had a SLEEPING POTION in it and the guards fell into a DEEP SLEEP.

  She took their daggers and left them in the king’s bedchamber for Macbeth to find later.

  Then Lady Macbeth sent Macbeth to kill the king while he slept, but that’s when Macbeth started PANICKING and saying that he couldn’t do it. So Lady Macbeth did her

  at him and that really scared him, so he went. But when Macbeth was creeping down the corridor he saw a FLOATING GHOST DAGGER and when he reached out for it, his hand went right through it and Macbeth got such a fright he started crying because he didn’t like ghost stuff.

  When Macbeth eventually opened his eyes again he saw that the ghost dagger was pointing towards the king’s room. So he knew it was a

  So Macbeth did the murder and then he ran back to Lady Macbeth, covered in blood. Lady Macbeth almost had KITTENS when she saw that Macbeth had brought the MURDER WEAPONS back with him because she had SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM to leave the daggers in the guards’ hands so it looked like

  done it.

  But that’s when Macbeth completely LOST IT and started crying and shaking and saying that he didn’t want to be a murderer any more, even though it was a bit late for that. So Lady Macbeth locked him in the bathroom and put the daggers in the sleeping guards’ hands herself. And she even smeared some of the knife-blood on their faces so it looked like they’d done the murder because she was very crafty and evil.

  The next morning the king’s best friend, Macduff, screamed,

  My king has been murdered!”

  Lady Macbeth RAN out of her bedroom in her jammies and said, “MALCOLM told the guards to kill his father. I know it!”

  And then she nudged Macbeth really hard in the ribs, and Macbeth nodded.

  So Malcolm RAN out of Macbeth’s house as FAST as he could because he knew no one was going to believe him because it was two against one.

  Then everyone shouted,

  just as Lady Macbeth said they would.

  But as soon as Macbeth got to the palace and put the crown on he started having DARK THOUGHTS about what the witches had said about Banquo’s son becoming king. So Macbeth sent murderers to kill Banquo and his son, Fleance, which is TERRIBLE because Banquo had been his best friend since primary school and Banquo ALWAYS stuck up for Macbeth and swapped sweets with him when Macbeth didn’t like the ones he had. What he didn’t know was that Fleance escaped…

  Macbeth started to become SERIOUSLY WEIRD after that. He began having HALLUCINATIONS because he felt MEGA GUILTY about being a king-murderer AND a best friend-murderer. And that night when Lady Macbeth was slumbering he just lay there WIDE AWAKE. And it wasn’t because of Lady Macbeth snoring like a gorilla, it was because Macbeth’s brain was

  by all the terrible things he had done to become king.

  But Lady Macbeth wasn’t really bothered about what she’d done. As soon as she’d got to the palace she’d tried on ALL the royal dresses and made the servants peel her ONE HUNDRED grapes, even though she didn’t like grapes, and then she threw every single one in the bin while they watched, because that’s just what she was like.

  Macbeth had a big party to celebrate becoming king. There was food and wine and everyone was up dancing and having a great laugh. But not Macbeth. He just sat there looking miserable while Lady Macbeth sang on the karaoke.

  Then when Macbeth was cutting his King Cake, he thought he saw BANQUO and he shouted, “GET HIM OFF MY THRONE!”

  But no one else could see Banquo so it was all a bit embarrassing.

  Macbeth started running around, wailing and saying LOADS of weird stuff and crying a bit too, and that’s when Lady Macbeth had to send everyone home early without any cake.

  Once everyone had gone Lady Macbeth said, “What’s WRONG with you? Is your crown too tight or something?!”

  But Macbeth wasn’t listening because he was too busy shouting at a piece of cake he thought was Banquo.

  Later that night, Macbeth went wandering in the hills in his nightie and woke up the three weird witches with all his wailing.

  The witches could see that Mac
beth was in a bit of a state, and they were keen to get back to their witchy beds, so they got the cauldron out.

  “Look deep into the potion!” said the one with the beard.

  So Macbeth looked into the cauldron and that’s when the face of King Duncan came floating out and said,

  Then Banquo’s head floated RIGHT UP to Macbeth’s face and hissed, “No one born of a woman can kill you.”

  Both of the heads got bigger and bigger and BIGGER until they popped and SPLATTERED Macbeth.

  But Macbeth just LAUGHED because he was in a good mood now since he knew that EVERYONE is born of women, because men can’t have babies, so that meant that NO ONE could kill him.

  But then he heard a whisper coming from the witch with the tadpole eye.

  Macbeth

  at the witch’s lips because although they were shut tight, somehow she was still able to speak.

  “SHUSH!” said Macbeth to the other witches who were cackling about his nightie. And that’s when Macbeth heard the witch say: “You will be king until Birnam Wood walks to your castle.”

  Macbeth laughed and said, “Then I’ll be king FOR EVER because trees can’t walk!”

  Macbeth RAN back to the castle to lock Macduff in the dungeon because of what King Duncan’s floating cauldron-head had said. But his servants told him that Macduff had already FLED and was probably MILES away by now because he’d taken a HUGE packed lunch.

  And THAT’S when Macbeth

  He should have just sat down for a minute and done a sudoku or something to calm down. But he didn’t. He ordered Macduff’s house to be burned to the ground and his whole family murdered. Which was obviously a MEGA overreaction, but that was just what Macbeth was like now. He had completely changed since he heard he couldn’t be killed. He wasn’t scared OR nervous any more. He’d become a TYRANT.

  Lady Macbeth was

  when she found out what Macbeth had been getting up to without telling her because usually SHE was the one in charge.

  Then Lady Macbeth started to feel GUILTY about the murders and she kept seeing the ghosts of Macduff’s children when she was trying to eat her cereal, and trying to wash blood off her hands every five minutes, even though there wasn’t any there.

  Lady Macbeth got really sick after that and eventually died of guilt.

  When Macbeth heard about his Bethy he was sad, but he didn’t cry because he wasn’t the type of king who cried any more.

  Then one of the guards came rushing up to the castle and shouted, “Macduff is on his way to kill you! He’s brought the ENGLISH ARMY!”

  But Macbeth just LAUGHED and shouted back, “I’ll believe it when I see Birnam Wood WALK!”

  But when Macbeth looked out of the window the next morning he saw that the trees WERE moving. And that’s when he realised that the army were using BRANCHES to hide behind.

  So Macbeth put his slippers on and RAN towards the army because he knew that he couldn’t be killed.

  Then Macbeth started chopping EVERYONE’S heads off until there were no more heads. But then MACDUFF appeared and said, “You killed my family. Now I will kill YOU and Malcolm will be king.”

  “HA!” said Macbeth. “NO ONE born of a woman can kill ME!”

  And that’s when Macduff pulled out his sword and said, “I am not born of a woman, Macbeth. My mum died before I was born. The doctors cut me from her tummy to save me.”

  And then Macduff raised his sword and sliced Macbeth’s head clean off and watched it roll down the hill into the duck pond. And Malcolm did become king, and so did Banquo’s son, Fleance, years later. So it just goes to show that the weird witches knew what they were talking about.

  I looked round at all my friends. “But that’s not the end of the story,” I said. “Macduff went and got Macbeth’s head and put it on top of a SPEAR outside Glamis Castle, where it can still be seen today!”

  That’s when Miss Jones told me off for making that last bit up because Gary Petrie’s gran was taking him to Glamis Castle that weekend and he looked TERRIFIED.

  So I asked if I could say ONE last thing. And before Miss Jones could say no I used my hair for a beard and started chanting:

  “Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble…”

  And Gary Petrie started screaming!

  When Gary Petrie asked Jodi to dance with him at the School Charity Dance and Jodi said YES we were all SHOCKED because Gary Petrie usually has BOGEY FINGERS from picking his nose and also because we didn’t realise that Jodi LIKED him.

  Maisie had to sit down on the ground because it was so horrible and also because there weren’t any chairs because the teachers wanted us to dance and not just sit down and watch. We all STARED at Jodi with our mouths wide open as she whizzed around the dinner hall with Gary Petrie.

  And then Zach said, “Do you think Gary Petrie is her boyfriend now?” And Maisie said that she thought he WAS because Jodi looked like she was enjoying the dancing and she was smiling loads.

  But I just KNEW that there was something WEIRD going on because Jodi did not usually like Gary Petrie and she was smiling TOO MUCH.

  So I said, “Something isn’t right. I think Jodi might have been

  because I couldn’t think of any reason other than HYPNOTISM or ACTUAL MAGIC for why Jodi was dancing with Gary Petrie when she hadn’t even been made to do it by a teacher.

  And that’s when Maisie

  and said, “You’re RIGHT. It IS magic. Jodi’s been BEWITCHED! Like in that Shakespeare play, A Midsummer Night’s Dream!”

  And then I GASPED because I knew Maisie was RIGHT because this was EXACTLY like what happens in the play.

  Because A Midsummer Night’s Dream is all about

  and a WEIRD FAIRY ROYAL FAMILY and a CREEPY ELF and someone called BOTTOM. And it’s probably one of the WEIRDEST plays Shakespeare or anyone ever did.

  But Zach said he didn’t know the story and that I needed to tell him about it NOW so that we could find out what to do and save Jodi.

  So that’s when I told Zach that the play took place in ANCIENT GREECE and that there was a weird FAIRY WORLD just across the road from the city of Athens and that you had to be quite careful if your horse and chariot broke down there because the fairies were a bit CREEPY and liked to meddle in everyone’s lives rather than just minding their own business.

  I explained that in the REAL WORLD of Athens there was a bit of a

  going on, like the kind of stuff that goes on in the TV programmes that my mum watches, because HERMIA was BETROTHED to DEMETRIUS (which meant her dad had promised his dad that she would marry him) and it was actually AGAINST THE LAW to disagree with your dad in Ancient Athens.

  But Hermia HATED Demetrius because he used to pull her hair loads when they were at primary school and he even broke her favourite pen that her gran got her from Turkey. And Hermia loved someone else called LYSANDER and he loved her back and so that was another reason she didn’t want to marry Demetrius.

  And to make it even WORSE, Hermia’s best friend, HELENA, loved DEMETRIUS. But no one loved Helena, except for her mum, so it was all a bit of a mess.

  So Lysander and Hermia decided to run away and live in the woods across the road because they didn’t know about the FAIRY WORLD that was in the woods and also because Lysander loved trees and was pretty sure he could make a tree-house using just his bare hands.

  But Helena overheard them planning to run away together and decided to tell Demetrius because she thought that might make him like her. But it didn’t.

  Demetrius was FURIOUS when he found out.

  And he said, “I don’t even LOVE Hermia but I’m not going to let her dump ME! I’m the

  Then Demetrius grabbed his axe and said, “WELL! They won’t be able to live in a tree-house if I chop down all the trees, will they? I bet they didn’t think of THAT!”

  And then he laughed out loud for ages and ran into the woods with the axe.

  And even though Demetrius was a bit in love with
himself and had a horrible, scary laugh, Helena ran after him because she liked people like that.

  But what Demetrius and the rest of them didn’t know was that there was a bit of a drama going on in Fairy World too. So they probably should have stayed FAR AWAY from the woods that day.

  Oberon and Titania (the fairy king and queen) had fallen out BIG TIME because Titania used to spend ALL her time with Oberon and cuddle him and make him cheese and crackers and laugh at all his jokes. But then she found a stray cat in the woods one day and she couldn’t spend as much time with Oberon any more because she had to make sure the cat was fed and had fresh water and give it lots of attention so it knew it wasn’t a stray any more.

  Oberon used to watch Titania with the cat and every time she gave it a cuddle he felt JEALOUS because HE wanted the cuddle, and so he said, “I think you love that cat more than you love ME!”

  And Titania burst out laughing and said, “Oh, calm down, you big baby. Of course I don’t.”

  So Oberon said, “Fine. Prove it. Give the cat to me and I’ll take it to the cat shelter and then it can go back to being just you and me.”

  But Titania said,

  So Oberon stormed out and went and got his most sneaky elf, Puck, to help him play a trick on Titania because he WAS a big baby who was annoyed at his wife for loving a stray cat.