To Wee or Not to Wee

by Pamela Butchart

  “Go to the shops and get me a flower called Love-in-idleness,” said Oberon. “I’ve heard that if you squeeze the flower juice into someone’s eyes they fall madly in love with the FIRST THING THEY SEE. I’m going to make Titania fall in love with something RIDICULOUS and she will look like a FOOL and THAT will teach her not to ignore ME!”

  So Oberon sent Puck to get the flower and he made sure he gave him the exact money because he knew that if he didn’t he wouldn’t get any change because Puck was sneaky like that.

  Oberon made a list of all the things he hoped Titania would see first and fall DEEPLY in love with. And he REALLY hoped it would be one of his Top Three because they were:

  But then Oberon heard a human voice, so he hid in a bush and made his fairy wings invisible and watched as Demetrius and Helena came running into the woods.

  Helena was shouting, “Wait for me! I love you!” And Demetrius was shouting back, “I don’t even CARE! I just want to find Hermia. Stop following me!”

  Oberon felt sorry for poor Helena because he knew EXACTLY what she felt like and he thought that this “Hermia” was probably another stray cat causing problems and that annoyed him (instead of a human woman who had been told she had to marry a man she didn’t like by her dad).

  As soon as Puck got back, Oberon asked to see the flower receipt because Puck was eating an ice lolly. But Puck said that he’d lost the receipt because of a lion and Oberon just rolled his eyes and took the flower because Puck was a

  sometimes.

  “Go and find the young man with long dark hair who just ran past and squeeze the flower juice in his eyes when he’s sleeping. I want him to love that poor woman back,” said Oberon.

  But Puck wasn’t really paying attention to what Oberon was saying about what the man looked like because he was eating a MINT FEAST and he’d just got to the chocolate bit in the middle, so he ended up going after Lysander (instead of Demetrius) by mistake and putting flower juice in HIS eyes while he slept under a tree with Hermia.

  And that’s when Helena ran past and she tripped over Lysander’s legs and woke him up so she was the first thing he saw.

  “KISS ME!” he cried to her. “I love you more than I love water and food and BREATHING!”

  Helena thought Lysander was JOKING, because he was really in love with HERMIA, and he was just making fun of her because nobody ever seemed to like her, so she just called him MEAN and then ran off to find Demetrius.

  But Lysander WASN’T joking. So he ran after Helena, and then Hermia woke up and she ran after them both, even though she had NO IDEA what was going on.

  (I looked at Zach and he looked like he had NO IDEA what was going on either. So Maisie drew him a diagram while I got on with the story.)

  On his way back to Oberon, Puck saw a group of actors from Athens using the woods to rehearse for a play they were doing. One of the actors was called NICK BOTTOM and Puck thought that was funny so he sat and watched for a bit because he still had three Mars bars and a Bounty left in his pocket from the shops because the flower had been in a half-price sale.

  Bottom was

  at acting and he kept forgetting his lines and spitting ALL OVER people when he spoke. And THAT’S when Puck had an idea. He knew that Oberon wanted the queen to fall in love with something EMBARRASSING so he decided to use his elf-y magic to give Bottom a DONKEY’S HEAD while no one was looking and then make sure he was the first thing Titania saw!

  All of the other actors ran away screaming when they saw Bottom’s new donkey head on his human body, but Bottom was very confused because there weren’t any mirrors in the woods.

  That night, Oberon waited until Titania fell asleep and then he put

  of litter and some worms next to her face.

  “She’ll be BEGGING ME to break the love spell when she wakes up and falls in love with a WORM or an empty bag of QUAVERS! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

  But then Puck explained about the DONKEY-HEADED MAN called BOTTOM and all the SPITTING and Oberon GASPED and said, “Let’s DO IT!”

  So Puck made himself glow like a firefly and led Bottom to Titania.

  Then Oberon threw a stone at Titania to wake her up and ducked behind a bush and covered his mouth to stop himself giggling.

  “OUCH!” cried Titania. And then she rubbed her leg for ages.

  Oberon got a bit worried that she’d maybe fallen in love with her own LEG but then Bottom said, “HEE-HAW!” and Titania looked up at him and fell

  But it turns out it wasn’t as funny as Oberon thought it would be, because the fairy queen wasn’t embarrassed at ALL. She was in complete

  with Bottom and she kept stroking his long nose and tickling him under his arms.

  Later that night, Oberon heard Helena crying because Demetrius still didn’t love her and went to find out what was going on. And that’s when Oberon realised that Puck had got it WRONG so he made Puck squeeze some of the flower juice in Demetrius’s eyes while he slept.

  But then Lysander turned up, still thinking he was in love with Helena and not Hermia, and cried, “HELENA. You beautiful PEACH!” and Hermia started SCREAMING at Helena because Lysander usually called HER a beautiful peach.

  Helena screamed back at Hermia that she HADN’T stolen her boyfriend and that she had NO IDEA what was wrong with Lysander and that she still loved Demetrius.

  But Lysander wouldn’t stop saying the peach thing and stroking Helena’s shoes so Hermia started picking up mud and throwing it at everyone because she was very confused about what was happening.

  And then Demetrius woke up because of all the shouting and saw Helena, and said, “Helena! My LOVE! Let me paint your toenails!” and that made Lysander FURIOUS and he said, “Don’t touch her toes! I’ll FIGHT YOU for what you just said to MY Helena!”

  And Demetrius grabbed his AXE and said, “LET’S GO THEN!”

  So that’s when Oberon stepped in and used his fairy-king magic to cover them all in a thick SLEEPING FOG because he knew that he probably shouldn’t have got involved and he didn’t want them all to murder each other and

  That’s when Oberon realised that nothing was really turning out the way he’d expected it to and that the plant Puck had brought back was probably out of date or something.

  So Oberon ran back to Titania and gave her an EYE BATH and she stopped loving Bottom and looked up at Oberon and said, “What happened? I had the strangest dream.”

  And Oberon said that he loved her and that he was sorry about being jealous of the cat. And Titania said that it was OK and that she still wasn’t getting rid of the cat but that she would start making him cheese and crackers again like she used to.

  So Oberon told Puck to give all the humans eye baths and turn Bottom back into a man. And to check on the cat later because he and Titania were flying out for a meal to celebrate that they were speaking again.

  When Lysander woke up he was back in love with Hermia, and Hermia didn’t want to throw mud any more.

  “I had the weirdest dream,” said Lysander, rubbing all the mud off his face.

  “Me too!” said Hermia. “I think the woods might be HAUNTED or something! Let’s GO!”

  But then Demetrius said, “Hermia, you can marry Lysander if you want. In fact, why don’t we have a DOUBLE WEDDING!”

  And then Demetrius looked at Helena and smiled and Helena gasped with happiness and Puck giggled in the trees because he’d given everyone an eye bath EXCEPT for Demetrius just to see what would happen!

  So they all ran back to Athens and had a DOUBLE WEDDING that day.

  And they all lived happily ever after until Demetrius had a shower that night and washed his eyes (but he was already married to Helena by that point so he just went along with it because she wasn’t as annoying as he thought she was and she told good jokes).

  And that’s when Miss Jones spoke into the microphone and said that Gary’s mum had donated cakes and juice and that we were to help ourselves.

  But when we got to the cake table Maisie
screamed, “FAIRY CAKES! The cakes are FAIRY CAKES!”

  And that’s when we all realised that Gary Petrie had POISONED the fairy cakes with some sort of creepy

  So Zach started pouring LOADS of cups of poison-diluting juice for Jodi to drink to get rid of the love potion and Maisie started preparing an EYE BATH.

  But we couldn’t get Jodi to come over, even though Maisie was screaming a bit, because Jodi was OBSESSED WITH DANCING WITH GARY PETRIE even though they were the only ones still dancing!

  And then all of a sudden the lights went on really bright and the music stopped and Maisie gripped my hand and one of the teachers ran on stage and shouted, “OUR WINNERS!” And everyone started cheering and clapping and someone gave Jodi and Gary a trophy and they both held it for a photo and then Jodi made Gary take his hand off it and she ran over to us and said, “LOOK! I DID IT! I WON!”

  THAT’S when everything made sense and we realised that it had been a DANCE COMPETITION and Jodi had just wanted to WIN because Jodi ALWAYS wants to win and is not really very happy when she doesn’t win.

  Zach said, “We thought you’d been tricked into eating a fairy cake with a LOVE POTION in it and had fallen in love with Gary Petrie!”

  And Jodi looked HORRIFIED and said that she definitely WASN’T in love with Gary Petrie but that she’d just known that Gary was quite good at dancing and that she had wanted to win the competition. And then we all looked over at Gary Petrie, and his mum and dad were hugging him for winning and he was smiling and picking his nose so Jodi asked to borrow Maisie’s antibacterial hand gel.

  Then Jodi went over and gave Gary the trophy for a bit because that was the right thing to do and also because Miss Jones gave her a bit of a look. And that’s when Gary’s mum and dad started hugging Jodi TOO!

  And Maisie said, “Look at how much Gary’s mum and dad like Jodi! Oh NO! Do you think Jodi and Gary are maybe BETROTHED?!”

  And we all

  One time my mum and Zach’s mum fell out because Zach lives in the flat below us and his mum said that it was TOO LOUD when my mum and dad were having a party.

  But my mum said that she WASN’T being too loud at ALL. And also that SHE never complains when Zach’s mum has a party.

  And that’s when our mums fell out

  and it wasn’t really because of the noise it was because of the fact that Zach’s mum didn’t think she’d been invited to the party (even though she was and I just forgot to give her the invitation like Mum had told me to do).

  So the next day I sneaked down to Zach’s flat and knocked on the front door and Zach answered and said that he wasn’t speaking to me because of his mum not being invited to the party!

  So I explained but then Zach’s mum appeared and she said that she didn’t

  and that my mum had probably just sent me down the stairs to say that.

  Then the next day, Zach walked to school WITHOUT ME and I had to go in the van with Dad. And at break time Zach wouldn’t say

  to me and he kept getting Jodi to pass messages like, “Could you please tell IZZY I am not talking to her,” and “Can you please tell IZZY she still has my denim jacket and I need it back by nine o’clock tomorrow,” even though we were sitting at the same table and the denim jacket was from TWO YEARS AGO and wouldn’t even FIT him any more.

  And that’s when I lost my TEMPER and said, “THIS FEUD BETWEEN OUR FAMILIES HAS GONE ON TOO LONG! I don’t want to DIE!”

  Everyone STARED at me when I said that. And Jodi said, “I don’t think you’re going to DIE because Zach isn’t speaking to you.”

  And I said, “Really? REALLY?” And I did my WIDE EYES when I said it because I knew that they obviously did not know the story of Romeo and Juliet.

  So that’s when I explained that Romeo and Juliet is about a FEUD between two families that ends in

  because feuds are dangerous and never really end well.

  I told everyone that Mrs Montague used to live in the same street as Mrs Capulet, and that they used to be BEST FRIENDS with each other and say stuff like, “I want my baby to marry your baby when they’re all grown up.”

  But then one day Mrs Montague borrowed Mrs Capulet’s hoover, and when she gave it back it was BROKEN and Mrs Montague said it was like that when she got it. But Mrs Capulet said that it DEFINITELY WASN’T and that it was practically BRAND NEW.

  After that Mrs Montague and Mrs Capulet fought about EVERYTHING and they wouldn’t let their husbands OR their kids speak to each other any more because they had decided they were having a FULL-ON FEUD.

  But years later, some of the younger generation weren’t that bothered about the feud because it had all started years ago when they were babies and they were a bit embarrassed about it actually because of all the arguments and sword fights that would break out everywhere, especially at Parents’ Evening if a kid from one family got a better report than a kid from the other.

  That’s when I told everyone about Romeo and how he was Mrs Montague’s son and that he was OBSESSED with soppiness and being in love and probably roses.

  Romeo used to fall in love at least once a week and every time he did he would say stuff like, “I can see stars in her eyes!” and “Oh, my heart feels funny!” and “We should get matching necklaces!” And one day he fell in love with a girl called Rosaline even though he had only spoken to her once to ask her to help him tie his shoelaces.

  But Rosaline didn’t like him back and that was probably because Romeo used to send her about fifty love letters a day and he’d even hand-deliver them to her house and shout “Hi Rosaline!” through her letterbox.

  Romeo was

  that Rosaline didn’t like him back and that he couldn’t do all the love letters any more. He wandered around Verona crying and moaning about his POOR HEART until his friend Benvolio said that he was going to take Romeo to a party to cheer him up.

  But the bus had to stop on the way to the party because a HUGE FIGHT broke out on the street between some Capulets and Montagues.

  Everyone on the bus tutted and shook their heads at Romeo because they knew he was a MONTAGUE and everyone in Verona was fed up of the feud, especially when it stopped the buses.

  And Prince Escalus of Verona was REALLY ANNOYED because it was the third time that week he’d had to leave his tea and get a taxi down to the city centre to break up one of their fights. So that’s when the prince said that if there was

  between the two families, then the fighters would be KILLED or maybe just BANISHED from the city FOR LIFE, which means they’d have to go and live in another city like Rome or Manchester.

  Once they got to the party Romeo found out that it was a MASKED BALL at MRS CAPULET’S house and that Benvolio had thought it would be funny to sneak in as no one would recognise them because they’d have masks on. And also because he knew that the Capulets ALWAYS served those little prawns with chilli sauce and he wanted some.

  And that’s when Romeo saw Juliet Capulet. And even though he couldn’t see her face because she was wearing a dinosaur mask, Romeo KNEW that he was in LOVE (even though he had been in love with Rosaline just a minute ago, but that was just the way Romeo was).

  Juliet noticed Romeo right away too because he was making heart shapes at her with his hands.

  Juliet wasn’t completely sure about Romeo to begin with and it was probably because he started crying with happiness the second she asked him to dance with her.

  But Juliet danced with him anyway, even though he cried the whole time, because her dad kept trying to get her to dance with someone called Paris and she didn’t want to dance with him. And it wasn’t just because he was called Paris, it was mostly because her dad was ALWAYS telling her what to do and it was getting on her nerves because she was a teenager.

  So anyway, Romeo and Juliet danced all night and they even made up some dance routines and everyone copied them because they were quite good actually.

  By the end of the night Juliet decided that she liked Romeo back because he seemed fun
ny and also because he was wearing a cat mask and she liked cats.

  And that’s when Romeo realised that he was PROPERLY in love for the first time and that he CARED about Juliet and it was probably because he had had an ACTUAL CONVERSATION with her and that she liked him back (which hadn’t really happened to him before).

  But just when Romeo was about to go down on one knee and ask Juliet to marry him his cat mask fell off and someone GASPED and it was Juliet’s cousin, Tybalt Capulet, and he was

  because he recognised Romeo and he shouted at Juliet, “Get away from him! He’s a MONTAGUE!”

  So Romeo RAN out as fast as he could because he didn’t want to get in a fight and end up KILLED or BANISHED because then he’d never see his Baby Cakes again (which is what he called Juliet now).

  But instead of just going home, Romeo hid in Juliet’s back garden because he loved her SO MUCH that he couldn’t bear to be far away from her.

  After about an hour Juliet opened her bedroom window to get some air because she had a sore tummy from all the chilli prawns she’d had and that’s when Romeo heard her speaking to herself (which some people might find weird but Romeo thought it was cute).

  “Romeo, Romeo! Why does he have to be called Romeo MONTAGUE?” said Juliet. “Why can’t he just be called Romeo Thomson or something? Mum and Dad are going to FREAK OUT because I LOVE HIM!”