Have I mentioned how much this man turns me on?
Then he completely stuns me.
“From now until I die, whatever hardships we face, we will face together, side by side. You will never fight another fight alone. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I love you with everything I am, baby. I will make you happy and I will give you everything you could ever want. You just can’t ever fucking leave me - I need you, Andi, so much. I can’t fucking live without you.”
His voice is soft and low, but somber and sincere. His demeanor is kind but resolute. His eyes hold both adoration and purpose as they search mine, looking for affirmation that I believe him. His words are like fire and ice in my veins. They touch me like nothing else and remind me of what I’ve never had. He has just vowed to give me everything I could ever want or need in my life – love, security, support, loyalty and desire.
I am not normally such a big cry baby but that seems to be what I’m best at lately. Because with his declaration, my eyes are leaking like damn Niagara Falls. The tears are streaming down my face but I can’t tear my eyes away from his eyes. His face is mere inches above mine, his body covers mine and his hands are framed around my face, lovingly stroking my cheek with his thumb.
“Luke, for the rest of my life, I will believe in you and support your dreams, regardless of the circumstances. You have all of me and I give myself freely and unconditionally. You will never have a single reason to doubt me because my heart, my body, and my mind belong to you now. I trust you like I trust no one else. Everything I have, everything I am, and everything I will ever be means nothing if I don’t have you.”
The tenderness and affection in his eyes is intense and tangible, and I know that they mirror my own. He kisses me softly and tenderly, making slow, sweet love to my mouth with his tongue. My, my, the man can kiss – he curls my toes every time. But this time, along with curled toes, I am completely melting underneath him. “I will never get enough of that,” I murmur against his lips when he ends the kiss. I feel his smile against my lips as it spreads across his beautiful face.
This is the first time in my life that I’ve even wanted to share everything with anyone. This is the first time I’ve ever even wanted to depend on someone else since my parents died. Giving someone my full trust is foreign and uncomfortable. But I have to let him in for us to ever have a chance. And I know I must do the one thing that’s hardest for me – I have to let him protect me.
It’s not that I’m a control freak. OK, not a total control freak – only about certain things. The people I love have a tendency to disappear from my life. So, it’s not a far stretch to say that I want to protect the ones I care about simply to keep them in my life. Knowing this and changing my behavior about it are two very different things. Just because I know what’s best, or because I know what’s causing a problem, doesn’t necessarily mean I do what’s right. Old habits die hard or some such shit.
I believe him when he says he will stand beside me during the uphill battle we have coming. I also know he has no idea what kind of bloodbath this battle will soon become and I have to tell him. I have to finish the story – for Luke as much as for me. I stare deeply into his eyes while all of this is running through my mind and he just watches me, with a somewhat amused but loving countenance on his face.
“What’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours, sweetheart?” he asks with a warm smile.
“Luke,” I say on a whisper, “there’s one last thing I need to tell you about that bastard I stabbed.” Please, Luke, please don’t run from me.
“OK, baby. You can tell me.” He hasn’t moved or tensed a muscle in his body. His heart is open wide to me. I can feel it.
I nod and try to look down, away from him, but his finger gently tilts my chin up to maintain full attention. I release a calming exhale and really talk to him.
“I may need you to patiently and gently remind me to let you protect me sometimes,” I state somewhat timidly. “I know this will come as a shock to you, but I’m a little stubborn and independent in that area.”
His lips twitch and he really tries to keep the laughter in but it proves to be too much for him. I glare at him with all my might. And then he really loses his composure and is now laughing uncontrollably.
“Yeah, baby, that is a real shocker,” he dead-pans after his fit of laughing hysterics has subsided. “I will patiently and gently remind you,” he adds lovingly. So much so that I can’t help but smile back. Then he takes his time as he kisses, licks and adores every inch of my body before making love to me, slowly and thoroughly, several times throughout the rest of the night. He is so very thorough in his exploration of my body. Every move, every thought and every touch was meant for my complete and total satisfaction.
I’m so in love with him that I can’t imagine what losing him now would do to me. And this is so not me. I’m not the needy, clingy, cry-baby female that requires a man to complete her. But I feel different about Luke…..I think he could be the one man who could totally annihilate me if he left me. And that realization scares the shit out of me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
LUKE
I’ve had e-fucking-nough of the paparazzi, the reporters and all these people they’re interviewing. They fucking don’t even know Andi but all they’re doing is talking trash about her. It’s been several weeks now and the smear campaign continues. She told me she had something else to tell me about that bastard the night we got back together but I haven’t pushed her for the information. I don’t even care what it is – she has my support no matter what.
Mitch is still doing a pretty decent job of keeping them out of the club so we can at least hang out with our friends. And I get to watch my girl on stage singing songs to me – even if it’s not for the contest. Like the other night when she sang Rihanna’s Umbrella to me, she let me know that no matter how bad things get all around us, our love will always shield us. We will take care of each other and nothing will ever come between us.
She has an amazing voice but the songs she picks for me makes my chest, and my head, swell with pride. Most every other guy in the club wishes he had her, but she’s all mine. She tells me and shows me every night in every way imaginable and a few that defy imagination. Hell, no, I’m not complaining. I will take my little vixen any way she wants.
The media has been bugging the piss out of Mack and Shane about Andi, especially since Shane is so close to the light-heavyweight title fight. They’re trying to make a big deal out of Andi’s involvement with his training so she’s tried to stay away to protect Shane’s reputation. Shane has told her over and over that he wants her at the gym because she helps him. She just keeps saying she’ll end up causing him more trouble than she’s worth.
Shane was madder than I’ve ever seen him about that. All I could do was smirk as he explained to Andi that she was more important than any fucking news story. She won’t be “the cause of his career’s demise,” as she puts it. Shane still comes to see her at her house and at the club. Only when we’re at the club, he does everything he can to get photographed with her – just to get a fucking rise out of her. It’s hilarious.
I’ve been spending more time with her at the youth center lately….and not nearly enough time at the gym. I haven’t talked to Andi about a major decision I have to make yet, mainly because I’m still trying to come to understand it myself. After everything I’ve done to convince my family that I want to be a professional boxer, I’m not sure that’s where my heart is anymore. I haven’t changed my mind because of Andi, but being with her has helped me see a few things about myself that I didn’t before.
Which is pretty damn hilarious considering I have an advanced degree in psychology. Guess my psychoanalysis skills work on everyone but myself. Working on the landscaping at the youth center has had an unexpected benefit. I’ve found that I actually enjoy building things with my hands. Even helping with building my mom’s back yard sanctuary, despite her Hitler-like tendenci
es, was constructive. That’s when the realization hit me – constructive feels better than destructive. Yes, that’s me, the guy with the life-changing epiphanies, also known as the Dalai Lama.
“Hey baby,” Andi gives me a kiss before she sits across the table from me. “How was your day?”
“Much, much better now that you’re here,” I say as I take her hands in mine. We decided to meet for a casual dinner at a small Italian restaurant where we’re less likely to be hounded by people who recognize her.
She looks apprehensive. “Baby, what’s wrong?” Translation: Who do I need to beat the crap out of?
She takes a deep breath and says, “Remember I told you there was still something I needed to tell you about the bastard?” She doesn’t need to say more – the bastard is his moniker now. I nod and let her continue uninterrupted.
“I tried to give it time to see if he would leave me alone. I haven’t talked to the press or anything. Bill called and told me the bitch,” also known as the foster mother, “is involved and they’re doing a joint press conference about this – to solidify their position and paint me as the emotionally disturbed one.”
My hackles are instantly raised in defense. “When is this press conference?”
“Sunday morning,” she says cautiously.
The last thing I want is for her to be afraid to talk to me so I visibly relax my shoulders and my jaw muscles. Which fucking hurt right now from being clenched so hard. I rub my thumb across the back of her hand, pick it up and kiss her palm. “I’m here, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”
She suddenly looks fearful, “I need to tell you who he is, Luke.” It comes out less of a definitive statement and more like a confession after a torturous session of waterboarding.
“You can tell me he’s the fucking President of the United States and I’m still not going anywhere, Andi.”
She winces and looks down at our hands as she says, “You’re close, actually. He’s the current Speaker of the House. Congressman Jackson Rhoades.”
The Speaker of the House? The person third in line for the presidency and second only to the vice-president in case of a disaster. That man is the bastard? Andi is fidgeting and her eyes keep darting to the door. She pulls one hand away and reaches for her purse.
“Where are you going?” I ask her pointedly.
“You didn’t sign up for this, Luke. Let me deal with this and when it’s over, we can try this again.” She’s fucking serious.
Remembering our conversation a few weeks back, I pull her hand back to my mouth and kiss it repeatedly. On her palm, on every knuckle, and then on every finger. “Sweetheart, remember you wanted me to patiently and gently remind you to let me protect you?”
She won’t make eye contact with me but she nods. Then I see a tear escape from her eye and she quickly wipes it away.
“I’m not going anywhere, Andi. I’m with you, remember? We’re under the same umbrella. We’re crazy about each other. And I can’t even sleep without you now – much less live without you. We do this together, my love.”
Andi smiles hesitantly and takes a deep breath. I know she’s weighing her options right now. Argue or accept what I said? Go off on her own and figure it out? Try to avoid me and keep me from kidnapping her again?
“None of those ideas will keep me away from you, Andi. Just accept it. You know I’m not above kidnapping you again,” I say matter-of-factly.
This earns me a laugh, because she really does know it, and she finally relaxes a little.
I’ve been staying at her house every night and only going by my apartment to get my mail. I’ve tried sleeping without her but it doesn’t work. Later at home, I’m sitting on the couch watching TV and Andi crawls into my lap and curls up in my arms. I love it when she does this. She lays her head on my shoulder and wraps her little hands around my neck. Sometimes she falls asleep in my arms like this and I carry her upstairs to bed.
She’s nervous tonight, though, and me holding her like this helps calm her. She surprises me when she whispers, “Thank you for not leaving me,” as she closes her eyes and lays her head on my shoulder, nuzzled into my neck.
I’m so stunned I can’t speak for a minute. I rub her arm gently and ask, “What do you mean, baby?”
“When I told you who he is. Thank you for not leaving me. I would understand if you change your mind, but I just want you to know that what you said means a lot to me.”
I know she was in foster care. I know she was legally emancipated at sixteen and has been on her own since then. My mind knows these things but I don’t think I’ve ever fully thought about what that includes. But when she says something like this, I’m forced to consider what that really meant for her, how scary it had to be for her, and how lonely.
She would still let me off the hook if I wanted to walk away until she dealt with this. What other choice has she had her whole life? None – she’s had to face everything all alone.
I squeeze her tighter to me and reassure her, “Baby, you never cease to amaze me. You never have to thank me for not leaving you. It’ll never happen – I would never make it without you. I don’t even want to think about it, much less try it.”
My relationship with my parents is still a little strained. We haven’t been back to their house together since that night and I haven’t been back since they confessed to everything, except to work in the yard when they’re not there. And that’s really only because Andi went to the trouble of buying all that for them and I want to see it finished.
My thoughts drift back over every major event in my life and there’s not one single event I can think of that my whole family wasn’t there for me. Mom, Dad, Brandon, and Alicia – they’ve all be so invested in my life and shared every milestone and major event with me.
Andi’s had no one considered family to be there for her, to show how proud they are of her, to support her or to even hold her when she was scared or sick. It brings my betrayal back to the forefront of my mind and I feel guilty all over again. She’s told me over and over that it’s forgiven and forgotten. She doesn’t want me to dwell on it or bring it up anymore.
It’s just that she asks so little of me……so naturally, I want to give her everything.
I think maybe she finally understands why I want – need – to be the one to protect her. I get that she’s capable and she’s proven that over and over. She has to let me in, she has to let me help her. I love her independence and strength – I would never try to take that away from her. But she also can’t take this away from me. We can do this together, side by side, as one. We can’t work as a couple any other way.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
ANDI
Saturday night at the club, we’re all here and the contest continues. I’m still in the running even though I haven’t practiced any songs. Just as well since Mitch decided to change the rules on us when we got here tonight. He claims that since we’re in the “playoffs,” he can change the rules at any time. So instead of getting to pick our own songs tonight, he’s assigned us songs. And they’re in a completely different genre than the 5 remaining contestants normally sing in.
For example, my song tonight is by Disturbed. Don’t get me wrong – I love the song – but my voice is not accustomed to this style of singing. I probably won’t be able to speak for a while after the song. But I have a few ideas for playing up to the song lyrics, so I’m not worried about it. Luke may actually enjoy a little silence when we get home tonight.
Home – I don’t refer to it as my house anymore. I’ve tried to talk Luke into just moving in with me and giving up his apartment lease. He’s been living off a trust fund his parents set up for him when he was born while he’s pursued his boxing dream. There’s no reason for him to keep paying for that apartment when he sleeps in my bed every night. I guess it’s a way to hold onto his bachelor pad….just in case.
I hit the costume rack backstage and look for something to fit my vision for the song tonight. After a few alterati
ons, and by that I mean I found the scissors, I think I have a winner. I took a camouflage t-shirt and cut it off just below my breasts. I also cut the shoulders out to make it a tank top and make it a low plunging neckline. It’s a size too small so it fits my B-cups very tightly. I also found a pair of tight, black Yoga shorts that will work nicely with my soldier theme. I use the bottom part of the t-shirt material to fashion a camouflage headband.
I’ve added the pink highlights back to my blond hair and I decide to leave it down. I thankfully wore black high-heeled boots tonight, so they will complete my look. I wait backstage as the guy before me, who would normally sing something closer to Disturbed, finishes a Kelly Clarkson song. I can’t help but smile – he has multiple facial piercings, tattoos everywhere and he looks scary as hell, but he’s singing one of Kelly’s slow songs and crooning like a heartsick fool. I love it!
My turn now and I take the stage. As the sirens start at the beginning of Indestructible, Mitch puts the red lights on spin to add to the overall ambience of everything that is war. I march to the microphone and stand at attention with my hand at my face in a salute like a good soldier until the music begins. Then I take the microphone off the stand and begin the song.
As I finish the chorus, I see him. Him – the bastard. He’s sitting in the audience behind Luke. He knows exactly what he’s doing. It’s a blatant threat that Luke doesn’t even know is there. Jackson Rhoades is so dressed down tonight that I doubt his own wife would even recognize him. He’s trying to blend in with the crowd but he also wants me to know he’s here. He wants me to know without a doubt that he can find me and anyone I love. I know this because he and his wife, Delia, have already threatened me with this multiple times.
I don’t deal with being threatened very well.
Crazy Maybe Page 18
