by Jake Needham
When there are no customers to entertain, the girls eat the food they buy from the street vendors, drink cokes, watch television, listen to music, and gossip among themselves. Occasionally, in a modest effort to improve business one of them might call out, “Hello, handsome man!” or “Come talk me!” to any unattached males who wander into range, but mostly they appear unconcerned with commercial promotion and seem content to let fate shape their prospects.
Soi Crocodile is one of the little lanes right in the heart of it all, and it is every bit as much a part of the action as are the other little streets in the area. But there is one way in which it is just a tiny bit different.
The street is known locally as Soi Katoey, the Thai word for the men turned women for which Thailand is, in some circles at least, justly famous. Thailand has achieved international recognition for precious little in its history, but Thai doctors have become universally celebrated for at least one thing: their ability, with a few judicious snips here and there, to alter biological men into women indistinguishable from real ones, except of course that they frequently look a whole lot better.
Thai katoeys are as distant from the lumpy, clumsy transvestites who lurk in the western sexual shadows as doves are from crows. On the whole, they are tall, slim, tanned, and toned. They generally wear stylish dresses and chic, take-me-tonight slingback heels, and they often sport refined jewelry and expensive handbags. They look, almost to a man, like elegant and sophisticated women.
If CW was going to a bar on Soi Crocodile, I figured he had a huge surprise coming. I really wanted to be around to see him unwrap it, so to speak.
Walking toward the center of Patong we jostled through the evening crowds along Beach Road. On the whole, these were mostly people I wouldn’t have wanted to invite back to meet Anita.
“Jesus, Slick,” CW muttered, reading my mind, “is this the parade of the fucking mutant tourists, or what?”
A man who looked either Indian or Pakistani abruptly materialized out of the crowd right in front of CW, grabbed his hand before he could pull it away, and began pumping energetically.
“Nice suit for you, sir? Welcome! Welcome! Yes, sir. Yes, sir.”
CW tried to extract his hand, but the little man wouldn’t turn it loose.
“Best price for you, sir. Very best price.”
“No thanks.”
“But, sir, I am waiting for you. Welcome! Here is my card.”
When the tailor held out a business card, CW feinted with his left hand as if suddenly seized with enthusiasm to acthuquocept it and then snatched his right hand away as the man loosed his grip in delight at apparently having latched onto a live one. Without another word, the man turned away and scanned the crowd for a better prospect.
“Nice move,” I said.
“Yeah, well, I see the little fellow takes rejection well.”
“I imagine he’s had a lot of practice.”
A small boy held out a black cloth duffle bag with large plastic wheels. An old woman unfurled a piece of cloth with a red and green pattern that might have been the flag of some country I didn’t immediately recognize. A young girl, a plastic tray of cigarettes hanging from a strap around her neck, gripped half a dozen packs in one hand and waved them back and forth as if she were semaphoring. At the edge of the sidewalk a man was selling hammocks woven from thick blue and white cord. Every time he spied a group of likely looking prospects, he would slip out of one of his sandals and use his bare foot to stretch the hammock out by way of demonstrating its size and potential for comfort. When too many tourists walked by at the same time, the guy looked as if he was doing an impression of a pissed-off stork.
The Blue Lotus Pub sits right at the beginning of Soi Katoey. Like the Paradise Bar, it’s open to the street and offers a panoramic view of the exotic delights of the neighborhood. CW nodded at two men sitting on stools that had an unobstructed view of it all and led me to an empty pair of stools right next to them. After ordering us each another Mekong and soda, CW made the introductions.
The one CW introduced as Chuck Parker looked exactly like somebody who ought to have a name like Chuck Parker. He was in his late thirties and had the thick, fleshy neck, light brown crew cut, and slightly heavy frame of a college athlete sliding into middle age.
The other man CW introduced as Marcus York. He was a slim black man of medium height and he wore round, gold-framed glasses that stood out memorably against a thick shock of prematurely gray hair. York looked like a character from a David Mamet play: black jeans, black shirt, and a two-day growth of very black beard. If Chuck Parker had been on the college football team, Marcus York had been in the drama club.
CW said both men were Deputy United States Marshals, but I wasn’t so sure. Parker, yeah. He vibed street cop all the way. But York was another matter altogether. I’d bet my last dollar York was FBI, or maybe even something creepier.
“I wanted the boys to meet you,” CW said as we shook hands all around.
“Why?”
“Well shit, Slick, they might bump into you somewhere out there on a dark night and I wouldn’t want them to shoot your candy ass clean off.”
Parker heehawed at that, wiggling his thick neck up and down, but York didn’t move. He didn’t even smile.
I got the feeling CW and his sidekicks were waiting for me to say something, but I couldn’t figure out what it was supposed to be so we all just sat for a while in silence and watched the comings and goings across the street on Soi Crocodile.
“God damn,” CW gasped a few minutes later. “Look at that.”
The katoey CW was watching had just climbed up onto a round platform at the entrance to the soi and had begun to sway languidly to music blaring from speakers in one of the bars. At least six feet tall with long, glistening black hair tied away from her face in a ponytail, she wore a black silk sh bl toeath that ended less than halfway down her smooth brown thighs and she balanced gracefully on red platform slingbacks with six-inch heels. After a few minutes, a second katoey joined her on the platform-this one slightly shorter and heavier, but with a chest on her that would freeze a moose-and they began to dance together.
“Ah, shit,” Parker chimed in. “I’m gonna have me a fuckin’ stroke.”
York, I noticed, said nothing.
As more and more of the katoeys gathered across Soi Bangla, I watched the three men out of the corner of my eye. Parker and CW, at least, couldn’t get enough. Parker moaned and groaned and CW licked nervously at his lips.
Then CW noticed the two katoeys wearing giant rhinestone tiaras and ballgowns who were posing for pictures with tourists. He shot me a quick side-glance, but I kept a straight face and he couldn’t be sure. It wasn’t until he spotted the one in the hoop-skirted Scarlet O’Hara dress bringing a bottle of beer to the one who was dressed like Pocahontas that he got it.
“Fuck,” he moaned, and I admit I had never heard the word used more movingly.
“Gotcha,” I said.
“What?” Parker looked genuinely confused.
“They’re men, you fuckwit,” York finally spoke up.
“You’re shittin’ me,” Parker mumbled, but from the way he climbed back into his drink you knew he saw it now, too.
We sat silently for a bit after that, gazing across the street. The whole scene was almost abnormally good-natured. The katoeys chattered among themselves, ate and drank, waved to passing tourists, posed for pictures, and took turns boogieing on the little round platform in the heavy night air.
“They don’t sweat, man,” CW said to me after watching three of them dance together for a while. “It ain’t natural.”
I gave him a long look.
“Okay,” he nodded. “I see your point.”
York smiled slightly at that, but he didn’t say anything.
Another silence fell and I started to feel a little sorry for Parker and CW in spite of myself. CW in particular seemed almost embarrassed.
“Everybody here’s been fooled at
least once, CW” I finally said. “Don’t let it get you down.”
“That’s not it, Slick,” CW shook his head sadly. “It’s just if I have to spend another week or two on this fuckin’ island, I may have to think about turning queer.”
“Keep it zipped, CW,” I said. “It’s tough to be a stranger in a strange land when your pants are down.”
CW shook his head again and made a noise I couldn’t quite put a name to. He waved for two more drinks, then stood up and beckoned me toward an empty table at the back of the bar.
FIFTEEN
Parker and York watched as I followed CW to the back of the bar, but neither said anything. A tall girl with bad skin had brought our drinks and then drifted away out of earshot.
“We got to get serious here,” CW said.
“I can hardly wait.”
“It’s my job to see that Plato Karsarkis is returned to the US.”
“That’s got nothing to do with me.”
“Yeah, it does.”
I gave CW a look, but I didn’t say anything.
“Look, Jack, I need your help here.”
“I thought you told me you were just waiting for the Thai government to approve Karsarkis’ extradition.”
“Well…” CW appeared to think for a moment. “It’s a little bit more complicated than that.”
I waited.
“Look, Jack, I’m not really allowed to give you the whole thing-”
“Wait a minute.” I held up my hand like a traffic cop. “Are you telling me the Thais aren’t going to support extradition.”
“Not exactly.”
“Not exactly?”
“Well…not at all, really.”
“I see.”
“I doubt that.”
I recalled Anita’s prediction and shook my head a little at the memory of it.
Damn. How could she always be so dead on about stuff like this?
“So you and your little elves over there are here to kidnap the poor bastard and drag him back to the US no matter what the Thais have to say about it. Is that about the size of it, CW?”
“This is an evil man, Jack. He’s a criminal. He has people killed. He’s a traitor to his country.”
“What movie is that speech from?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. “I forget.”
“Then tell me what you think we should do about Plato Karsarkis, Jack. Just forget about him? Just forget about everything he’s done and leave him alone to live out his life on the beautiful tropical island of Phuket?”
“Look, this isn’t my problem.”
“Well, shit,” CW leaned toward me, “then maybe I’ll just make it your problem.”
I took a pull from my drink, trying to take the edge off my anger before I said anything I might regret. It didn’t work.
“Well, fuck you, too, Marshal Asshole.”
“Look, Jack-”
“Who the hell do you think you are? Do you threaten everybody, or am I something special to you?”
“I’m sorry,” CW said and he did seem genuinely discomfited. “I was way out of line there and I apologize.”
The man sounded so completely contrite I wasn’t sure what to say, so I didn’t say anything.
“Look, Jack. I really am sorry. I had no right to say that. I need your help here. Hell, I’m begging for your help.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I need intelligence on Karsarkis. How he lives, what his house is like inside, how many guards he has, stuff like that. You’ve been in there. You can tell me all those things.”
I raised my glass in a silent toast to Anita.
“What does that met d can tean?” CW asked me.
“Never mind,” I said. “Forget it.”
CW looked puzzled, but he let it go. “So. Can you help me pop Karsarkis or not?”
“I could, probably. But I’m not.”
“Plato Karsarkis is a fugitive from the United States, Jack. You don’t mean to tell me you’re unwilling to help the United States Marshals Service apprehend a dangerous fugitive, do you?” CW tilted his head and widened his eyes in a gesture so corny and theatrical I almost laughed out loud. “I thought you lawyers were supposed to be officers of the court, supporters of the law. That’s right, isn’t it, Jack?”
“Let me see if I understand this, CW. You’re planning to kidnap a man who I gather is legally in Thailand and smuggle him out of the country and back to the United States. Do I have that right?”
“We’re going to do what we have to do to-”
“You’re running a kidnapping operation in violation of both local and international law and you’re lecturing me about being an officer of the court?” I just shook my head. “Man, now I’ve heard it all.”
“You’re still an American, Jack. Have you forgotten where your loyalties lie?”
“No, CW, I think I’ve got all my loyalties in pretty good order, and fuck you for asking. By the way, you’re not on my list.”
“Then you’re not going to help?”
“I will not be a party to a kidnapping in Thailand or anywhere else. Not by you, not by the fucking President of the fucking United States. Is that clear enough for you?”
CW tapped on his glass with his forefinger and let the silence run for a while before he spoke again.
“You’re making a big mistake here, Slick.”
“And exactly why is that?”
“Well…” CW sighed and shifted his weight on the barstool. “You saw those photographs. We could-”
“Whoa,” I said, raising both hands, palms out. “Is it time for the part of the program where you threaten me? Because, if it is, you need to understand this: I don’t deal with threats very well. Particularly threats from cops and other government types. I start thinking about testifying to Congressional committees about government corruption. Just can’t help it.”
“Hear me good, Slick. I’m going to take Plato Karsarkis down. If you get in the way, I’m going to take you down, too. I’m telling you that as a favor, not as a threat.”
“I’m not part of this, CW”
“Well, Slick, you ever heard that line that goes, ‘If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem?’“
“Listen very carefully to me. I am only going to say this one time. I am not part of your problem. I am not part of your solution. I have a nice life here in Thailand and I am not going to screw it up. Not for Plato Karsarkis, not for you, not for anyone.”
“You really think it’s going to be that easy? You think you can just walk away from all this and that will be the end of it?”
“Yep, I do. From now on, just think of me as Switzerland.”
‹. amp;raway frop width="1em" align="justify"›“He’s reeling you in just like a big, dumb old fish, Slick,” CW shook his head, “and you don’t even know it.”
“You’ve been a cop too long, CW. You smell shit everywhere.”
“He’s settin’ you up, boy.”
“Look, this may come as a real shock to you, pal, but I’m a grown man and I make all my own choices these days. Only people who’re greedy or stupid get set up, and I’m neither.”
“Whatever you say, Slick,” CW shook his head slowly again. “Whatever you say.”
There wasn’t much more of any consequence left to talk about after that and CW seemed to lose interest in me once I had made it clear I wasn’t going to be any part of whatever he was planning. York and Parker had left while CW and I were trading insults in the back of the bar and it wasn’t very long before I wished CW a nice life and left, too.
I walked out of the Blue Lotus and back to the Holiday Inn, then I drove all the way to the hotel with the top of the jeep down. A breeze had come up from somewhere and I thought the wet night air slapping against my face might clear my head by the time I got back, but it didn’t even make a decent start. I parked the jeep in the hotel lot and walked down the hillside toward our cabin.
About the time I passed the sw
imming pool, still and empty in the darkness, I started wondering if maybe CW did have a point after all. There might be something sticking to my shoe that wasn’t going to be nearly as easy to scrape off as I thought.
Perhaps Switzerland was a little too much to hope for.
THE MIDDLE
Bangkok
“Living in a foreign country
is like being on a football team without a home field.
You’re always playing away.”
— Desmond O’Grady, Journalist
SIXTEEN
It was Monday afternoon and Anita and I had been back in Bangkok for less than a week. If there was ever a vacation glow at all, it was already pretty much gone. Something was clearly out of rhythm with Anita. I had no idea at all what it might be and I couldn’t imagine that just flat out asking her would get me very far toward finding out. Still, I had students to see and courses to teach so I wasn’t worrying a lot about it. Instead I was smoking an afternoon Montecristo in my office, feet on my desk, reviewing my notes for the next day’s lecture in my tax havens course.
The subject of tax havens was surprisingly popular with the kids. I have always thought it was probably because the sorts of places we talked about absolutely reeked with international intrigue and distant romance: places like the Cayman Islands, Liechtenstein, Hong Kong, Luxembourg, and Monte Carlo. Any discussion of tax havens immediately conjures up riveting stories of a world awash with drug barons tucking away narco money, terrorists laundering arms money, and third-world ministers hiding bribe money. And the idea of all those naughty people whooping it up in Monte Carlo while giving the rest of us the finger is absolute catnip to a room full of business students casting about for the quickest possible road to undreamed-of riches.
In spite of the strange vibrations Anita udehad been emitting ever since we got back, on the whole I felt pretty good. A few days of hanging out at the beach had left me with a nice tan and a clear head. Best of all, I had successfully evaded all further conversation with Anita about buying a vacation house in Phuket. I figured I just might be on a roll.
