Beacon

by Michelle Irwin

  “Yeah. I just hope it don’t mean I end up divorced before . . .”

  “You won’t.”

  I wished I could have the same faith.

  CHAPTER EIGHT: LUCK BE AN ANGEL

  WHEN I ARRIVED at the hospital, I escorted Angel to the nursery. I wasn’t gonna go to Phoebe’s side without some news on the girls because that would be the first thing she asked. While Angel fell into the routine she had goin’ with the twins, the nurse pulled me to one side.

  “I have some good news for you. I think we can start talking about timelines for taking your girls home.”

  “How long are ya talkin’?”

  “Emma is doing really well, so I don’t think there would be any reason she couldn’t go home in the next few days. Abby isn’t quite ready to go yet, but she’s where Emma was a week ago.”

  “Are ya gonna split them up?”

  “Only for as long as necessary. It’s fairly common with twins, especially ones born prematurely.”

  “It just . . .” I pinched the bridge of my nose. How would I be able to split my time that way? Even Angel wouldn’t be enough of a help to make it work.

  “His wife is here in the hospital,” Angel said as she came to my side, “and that’s making things harder. She’s sick.”

  “She ain’t sick,” I said, meetin’ the nurse’s gaze. “She’s dyin’.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I’m not sure I’ll be able to do much, but I’ll find out whether we can try to keep Emma here until Abby is ready to go home too.”

  “Thank you.”

  The nurse gave me a doeful smile and left Angel and me alone.

  “Are ya gonna be okay to stay here for a while? I wanna go check on Phoebe.”

  “Of course. Ring me when you’ve finished your argument, and I’ll come down to say hi to her too. I’ve missed her.”

  I wrapped my arms around her. “I know, sweetness.”

  The trip down to Phoebe’s room felt like runnin’ a marathon with every step weighted down with lead. I wasn’t sure whether her mama and daddy had come yet, but I hoped they hadn’t. If she knew I’d told Alyssa to come to the hospital, Phoebe would be unhappy with me, and the last thing I wanted was for her to be angry at me for the rest of her days.

  My heart stopped when I came near Phoebe’s room. Great sobs echoed from within.

  I raced inside, worried I’d find the worst.

  Alyssa and Declan were on either side of Phoebe’s bed. Declan had Alyssa’s hands tightly wrapped in his hold, and Alyssa’s head was bowed with Phoebe’s fingers in her hair. From the gut-wrenchin’ sobs that came from Alyssa and the tears floodin’ Declan’s eyes, I figured Phoebe had told them the truth.

  My own tears weren’t far behind as I watched the scene. My heart ached for them all. The feelin’ of loss I was already sufferin’ had to be nothin’ compared to what Alyssa and Declan were experiencin’. Before any of them saw me, I retreated from the room. I headed down the hall to the visitor’s waiting room and found a seat before buryin’ my head in my hands.

  “I don’t know if you’re there, God, but I need ya like I never have before,” I said. I hadn’t had a relationship with religion for a long time, but I needed help. “I can’t lose her. I know it looks hopeless, but I just can’t say goodbye. Ya need to do somethin’. Give me a miracle. Just one miracle. After everythin’ I’ve been through—losin’ my mama, Mabel, Abby—I deserve one miracle. Please? Ya owe me this. Ya owe me her. No, it ain’t even that . . . ya owe her better than this after what she’s gone through.”

  I waited for the feelin’ of comfort to wash over me that everyone spoke about, but I got nothin’.

  “Who are you talking to?” Angel asked.

  “No one that’s listenin’,” I muttered back. “What’re ya doin’ here?”

  “The twins are asleep, so I was going to wait here for your call.”

  “Her parents are with her now. I think she’s told ’em,” I said.

  Angel hung her head. “It really is for the best.”

  I stared at a spot on the wall. “Nothin’ is for the best right now, sweetness.”

  She offered me her hand, and I took it. “There’s really no chance at a miracle, is there?”

  “I can’t see one.”

  We sat for a while as I waited for enough time to pass to convince me her parents would have had the chance to say everythin’ they mighta wanted to say. Then Angel and I went together to Phoebe’s room. Declan and Alyssa were still with her, but things were calmer. Almost as if they’d moved to acceptance already.

  Phoebe frowned at me as I came in the door but then her lips twisted up, and she beamed as Angel followed me. I stood back away from the bed, lettin’ Angel give her greetin’s first. After Angel had given Phoebe a hug and shifted to sit on the end of the bed near Phoebe’s feet, a silence fell over the room.

  The silence went from awkward to stiflin’. No one seemed to want to be the one to break it as it screamed the things none of us wanted to acknowledge.

  “The nurse said we might be able to take the twins home soon,” I said, fightin’ to keep my voice level and under control.

  “That’s terrific. They must be doing well then,” Phoebe said. I could hear the sorrow in her voice. She wanted to be with them. It was obvious she longed to be the mother I knew she could be. Her health was the only thing stoppin’ her.

  “They are. Emma is still doin’ a li’l better than Abby, but they’re both improvin’ all the time.”

  Phoebe glanced between her parents before turnin’ her gaze on me again. “I don’t suppose I could see them again soon? Before . . .”

  I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw. “I’ll bring ’em down as soon as they’re released.”

  “That would be nice. I need some positivity in my life for a change. Right now, it’s all death and sadness.”

  I considered her words. She was stuck in a hospital bed, dyin’, with visitors who had to leave regularly and without any real entertainment. “I’ll see what I can do,” I promised.

  “Thank you.”

  “We might stop in and see them,” Alyssa said. It seemed like she was still fighting the last of her tears. “We’ll be back later, okay, sweetie?”

  Phoebe nodded. “Are you going to tell everyone else?”

  “That’s . . .” Alyssa was fighting her tears, it was evident in her constrained voice. “That’s your choice, honey. I . . . I think it might be better if we do.”

  “At least Brock, Beth, and Parker,” Declan said. “They’re all old enough to understand.” His voice was just as constricted as Alyssa’s.

  Phoebe bowed her head, and her tears traced her cheeks before dropping onto the sheet in front of her. I rushed closer to her, rounding Angel so I could stand near Phoebe’s head. I offered her my hand, and she leaned her cheek against it.

  “I’ll take you up to the twins,” Angel said to Alyssa and Declan.

  Alyssa and Declan said goodbye to Phoebe, promising to come back to see her soon. I imagined I’d be seein’ them around the hospital more than ever before. Not that I blamed them for that. None of us wanted to give up a single second when we had so few left.

  “You told Mum to come in here because I had something to say to her,” Phoebe said.

  “I thought—”

  “Sit.” Phoebe cut me off.

  I did as she asked and waited for her to continue. My heart was in my throat as I did though.

  Her tears flowed again. “I know I asked you not to tell—”

  “I didn’t tell anyone but Angel, I swear.” I held up my hand like a Boy Scout would.

  She held up her hand, the one with the drip still inserted. “I know you didn’t. You did tell Mum to come see me though, and let her know I had something to say to her.”

  My first instinct was to apologize. It was never my intention to hurt her. “Darlin’, I—”

  “Don’t. I’m not mad.”

  “Ya ain’t?”

/>   “No, I just wanted to say that you were right. They needed to know. It’s not fair to keep it hidden when I might only have a few weeks left.”

  I closed my eyes as she repeated the dreaded words.

  “Thank you for the push.” She patted her bed, asking for me to move closer.

  Followin’ her instruction, I sat on her bed, facin’ her. She wiggled over to make more room for me and then rested her hand in my lap.

  “There was something else I wanted to talk to you about, but I don’t know how you’re going to cope with it.”

  I brushed the hair back off her face. “What’s that, darlin’?”

  “I want to plan my funeral.”

  The breath left my body. As it did, it carried the word, “What?”

  “I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. Besides, I’ve got some ideas and too much time on my hands in here.”

  How could she complain about havin’ too much time on her hands when we had so li’l left?

  She raised her hand and traced it over my brow before cuppin’ her hand over my jaw. “I don’t mean it like that,” she said. “Just that you’re only able to come in a certain number of hours a day, and the rest of the time I have nothing.”

  “Maybe we need to work on gettin’ ya home.”

  “You know if I come home . . .” She trailed off, no doubt as unable to acknowledge the final word as I was despite talkin’ about her funeral.

  I reached for her hand and threaded my fingers between hers. “I know, but you’ll be more comfortable, and we can bring the girls home, we can keep ya busy.”

  “I still want to plan everything. I mean, I didn’t get to do anything for our wedding, and at the time that was for the best, but now I kind of wish I could have.”

  I scooted a li’l closer to her, wrapped my arms around her and drawin’ her against my chest. “Ya know I can’t deny ya anythin’, but I don’t know if I can help.”

  “That’s okay. I want to do it mostly myself anyway. It’ll be my last goodbye.”

  There was nothing I could do to stop the tears burning my eyes. “I ain’t ready to say goodbye.”

  “Me either. I’m still trying to fight, Beau. I really am.”

  “I know, darlin’.”

  “I just think it’s sensible to make sure my will is up to date and that I’ve arranged everything for my funeral.”

  It wasn’t long before Phoebe had drifted to sleep again and I went to find Angel and see my girls. Alyssa and Declan had left already by the time I got there, but Angel sat with Abby in her arms. I paused for a moment in wonder at the woman who’d given up her whole life to support her friends in their darkest hour. It was clear I needed to do somethin’ to thank her, but I had no idea what would ever be enough.

  “Dec and Lys have invited us around for dinner tonight,” she said. “I think they’re hoping for a little moral support while they tell everyone. Lys told me she wanted the whole family there.”

  “Are ya gonna go?”

  “How can I not? They were there for me when Mum died. It’s not going to be easy telling the kids about Phoebe.”

  “At least they’ll have a chance to process things before anythin’ happens.”

  “Do you really think that will help?”

  I scoffed. “Course it won’t. I don’t think anything will help any of us with that.”

  Angel’s gaze fell to Abby, and we sat in silence lookin’ after the girls.

  “Can I ask you a question?” Angel asked.

  “Ya just did.”

  She chuckled. “You’ve spent too much time around—”

  She cut herself off, no doubt before she could say I’d spent too much time around Phoebe.

  “What was your question, sweetness?” I asked to change the subject.

  “After it happens, are you going to go home?”

  “What do ya mean?”

  She focused her entire attention on her task. “Well, you came here for Phoebe . . . so what happens when she’s gone?”

  It was a question similar to one Phoebe had asked before we got married. I hadn’t known the answer then—hadn’t wanted to acknowledge the possibility—and I didn’t know the answer now. All I knew was that I would always count Ormeau as my home and Phoebe’s family as my family. Angel was well and truly included in that. “I don’t know.”

  “Will you go back home?”

  “Sweetness, this is my home. These girls are my home.”

  “But are you going to take them back to the States?”

  “I really don’t wanna think that far ahead. I’m hopin’ I won’t have to make that decision for a while yet.”

  Angel’s lips turned down, and she looked like she was about to argue with what I was saying.

  “I ain’t stickin’ my head in the sand. I’m just bein’ hopeful. Whatever happens though, these girls are gonna need their family. That includes their aunties and uncles, and it includes you.”

  “So you’re not going to leave me alone?” The fear in her voice almost broke my heart.

  “When . . . when it happens, I’m gonna need ya so much, sweetness, but even if that wasn’t true, I couldn’t turn my back on you. I love ya as much as Phoebe does.”

  “You don’t just keep me around to keep her happy?”

  “Course not. You’re stuck with me, even if I’m gonna be more of a burden than anythin’ else before too long.”

  “I’ll be your strength,” she said, “but I might need you to be mine from time to time. It’s not going to be easy.”

  “On anyone. She’s too special.”

  “Yeah. She is.” Angel shifted Abby back to her crib. “I’m just going to go for a walk. I might stop in to see Phoebe.”

  “She was sleepin’ when I left, but she won’t mind if you stay for a while. I’ll meet ya there when I’m ready to go.”

  I was gettin’ Emma into her crib when the doctor did her rounds. At her side was the nurse I’d spoken to earlier about taking the girls home.

  “I had a chat with Melissa here when I started my rounds, and she let me know about your twins and also your situation. I’d be happy to sign off on Emma’s release during my next rounds if nothing changes. Abby is doing quite well too, better than she has been until now. I’ve given the nurses a list of targets I’d like to see her reach, but if she is able to meet them all by the time Emma is ready to go, I’m comfortable with signing off on her release too.”

  “Really?”

  “I understand that your wife is in the hospital too and I don’t want to make things any harder for you than they need to be.”

  “I appreciate that.”

  “I won’t lie to you though, there are going to be challenges with bringing home the twins, and you’re going to have to keep a special eye on them. Have you got some support?”

  I nodded. “The best.”

  The rest of our evenin’ was spent comfortin’ Phoebe’s brothers and sisters as they discovered the truth about their sister’s condition. Watchin’ Angel hold Beth as they both cried made my heart break all over again.

  CHAPTER NINE: HOMECOMIN’ QUEEN

  TWO DAYS LATER, I had a list of everythin’ I needed to organize in order to bring Phoebe home. On top of that, Angel and I had arranged everythin’ we needed to have set up for the twins. Barrin’ any major catastrophe, we were takin’ the girls home. I just hoped it wasn’t too long before we could safely bring Phoebe home too.

  Although her homecomin’ would be bittersweet, it would be better her bein’ there where she was comfortable than stuck in a hospital bed.

  When Angel and I arrived at the hospital, we went straight to the nursery. We had the baby carriers with us ready to bring the girls down to Phoebe. We wouldn’t be able to take them in all the time, but givin’ her a chance to see them before we headed home would be the best thing for everyone.

  “Is Abby gonna go home too?” I asked as the doctor assessed her. As far as I knew she was hittin’ every milestone the doctor wante
d, and as of the day before everythin’ was on track, but I’d also been warned things could turn quickly with premature babies.

  “She is,” the doctor confirmed. “I’ve got a checklist of things to watch for though. If she presents any of the symptoms or issues on that list, I want you to bring her straight back in.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  The doctor smiled at me. “Are you ready to take your girls home?”

  “More ’an ready.”

  “Let’s go get them prepared for the trip then.”

  Angel and I spent a little while feedin’, bathin’, and dressin’ the girls before the nurses said goodbye.

  “This is my favorite part of looking after these little ones,” the nurse, Melissa, told me as I loaded Abby into the carrier.

  My babies still seemed so small, but were easily twice the size as the day they were born.

  “Are ya ready to go see your mama?” I whispered as I fastened the safety harness around Abby. We might have only been walkin’ a short ways to Phoebe’s room, but I didn’t wanna risk anythin’ happenin’ to either of my girls durin’ that walk.

  Angel gave the nurse a small gift as a thank you for all they’d done for our family. It wasn’t much, but it was a little somethin’ for their tireless work. She’d included a thank you card and some photos for their wall.

  After our goodbyes, Angel and I headed to Phoebe’s room.

  “Look who we sprung,” Angel cooed as we came through the door.

  “Oh my God!” Phoebe sat instantly upright. “Oh, my babies! Bring them closer.”

  Both Angel and I complied, rushin’ forward to show her the carriers.

  “Who do I get to hold first?” Phoebe asked.

  Not for the first time, I wished she were healthier. She woulda been such a good mother. Life was unfair to her, to both of us. All the wishin’ in the world wouldn’t help though.

  “They’ve both grown so big,” Phoebe said as I drew Abby out of the capsule and placed her in Phoebe’s arms.

  Angel settled Emma’s capsule on the end of Phoebe’s bed. “They’re looking more and more like their mummy every day.”