Beacon

by Michelle Irwin

  “As much as I love you.”

  “But?”

  “But I look at these girls and I . . . I couldn’t imagine my life without ’em in it. It ain’t a choice I’d ever wanna make, and I don’t know that the one you made was right, but either way, I woulda suffered. Either way, you woulda too.”

  “I don’t know if I would’ve survived it.”

  “You woulda. You’re strong, but that’s also the reason ya didn’t hafta try.”

  Emma started to fuss in Phoebe’s arms. “Can you grab her, please?” Phoebe asked when Emma arched back in her hold. For all the enjoyment Phoebe got from holdin’ our girls, she didn’t have enough strength to fight them under control when they started to get too wiggly.

  I placed Abby back in her bouncer and reached for Emma, bringin’ her into my arms to soothe her. When she didn’t calm, I took her to the changin’ table and changed her diaper before arrangin’ a bottle for her.

  When I came back to Phoebe’s side, she was in tears. Before I could say anythin’, she’d wiped the tears away and gave me a watery smile.

  “Are ya okay, darlin’?”

  “I’m fine. Just a little tired. I don’t suppose you can help me back to our room?”

  “Are ya sure you’re okay?”

  “I said I was, didn’t I?” Her tone was snippy, but I didn’t take offense to it. Havin’ to sit on the sidelines and watch passively while Angel and I did everythin’ for the girls wasn’t easy on her.

  I didn’t respond as I secured Emma into her bouncer and shifted to help Phoebe back to the bedroom. Once I had her settled, I hung around to ensure that she was comfortable and didn’t want anything more before movin’ back toward the livin’ room.

  “Beau,” Phoebe called out before I reached the door.

  “Yeah, darlin’?”

  “Can you give me some privacy for a moment?”

  Swallowin’ down the feelin’ that she was shuttin’ me out, I nodded and closed the door behind me.

  I sat on the sofa, then leaned forward to rest my elbows on my knees, and just watched the twins as they rocked themselves to sleep on the bouncers. It was almost impossible seein’ Phoebe hurtin’ so much. I was so lost in thought, I didn’t even hear Angel come in the door.

  She touched my shoulder, and I leaped. Without even askin’ if I was all right, she sat at my side and wrapped her arm around my waist, leanin’ her head against my bicep.

  “Is it a bad day?” She squeezed me as she asked the question.

  “I just hate this. Phoebe’s miserable and there ain’t nothin’ I can do to make her happy.”

  “She’s not miserable, she’s just . . .”

  “Dyin’.”

  “Yeah. Did you want me to go talk to her?”

  “No. I mean, I’m happy if ya wanna see if she wants to spend some time with you, but I think the last thing she needs is us hasslin’ her about feelin’ a li’l down.”

  Angel patted my back. “You’re right. I’ll see if I can distract her for a while. Did you want to cook dinner?”

  “I ain’t hungry.”

  “Beau—”

  “I know, sweetness, I gotta eat.” She’d given me enough lectures about it by now, but I woulda been happier to just curl up with a bottle of Fireball. If it wasn’t for Emma and Abby needin’ me, I woulda. “I’ll have somethin’ later.”

  She assessed me for a moment and frowned. “Okay.”

  Moments later, I heard her knock on the bedroom door and ask Phoebe if she wanted some company. When she disappeared, I figured Phoebe musta said yes.

  I shifted from the sofa to the floor so I could be closer to my girls.

  “I wish I could do the right thing by your mama,” I murmured to them. “There’s so much I want for her, and I can’t give her any of it. All I can do is give the two of you the best life I can, and I can promise ya both that I will. Y’all will never go without, no matter what happens, and I’ll always make sure ya remember the amazin’ woman that your mama is. Once upon a time, I went to a bar—I’ll tell ya about them when you’re much older—to celebrate a friend’s birthday. It was what I did every year, but this time, I saw her.”

  Closing my eyes, I pictured the vivacious and lively woman I’d met that night. It was hard to believe it was only a li’l more than five years ago. It just wasn’t goddamned fair that I was gonna be losin’ her so soon. My tears traced down my face before I realized I was cryin’. I wiped them away so I could focus on the girls.

  I pushed off the ground and found my phone, turnin’ on the playlist of songs I had that reminded me of Phoebe. Since the time I started it with “Roller Coaster” on our first night together, I’d added at least another seventy songs. Each one held a special meanin’ or reminded me of the things we’d shared. I played the music low enough that it wouldn’t reach Angel and Phoebe and sang the words low and clear to my girls. No matter what, they’d know about their mama. They’d know about her smile, and they’d learn about the way she made me happier than I coulda imagined. If I had any luck, they’d share her same spark for life.

  The one that was dyin’ a li’l more each day.

  After my impromptu concert, I gave Abby her bottle and changed her diaper. Then I took her to the nursery and placed her in the crib. Because Phoebe wanted the girls to bond in a way she never got a chance to with her twin brother, the girls were sharin’ the one crib. Once I’d tucked Abby away to sleep, I checked Emma’s diaper and moved her as well.

  “She’s sleeping,” Angel said, coming out of the bedroom. “I haven’t seen her this upset in a while.”

  I nodded, tryin’ not to look affected by the fact that Phoebe was freezin’ me out when I needed to spend time with her the most.

  “You’re not going to ask what was upsetting her?”

  “I ain’t gonna ask ya to share her secrets.”

  Angel rested her hand on my shoulder and met my eyes. Her emerald irises shone as a sad smile crossed her lips. “She wanted me to tell you this. She doesn’t want to disappoint you.”

  “She could never disappoint me.”

  “That’s what’s upsetting her though. She’s convinced you’re going to hate her for having the babies and not being able to take care of them. For dumping them on you.”

  “She didn’t dump nobody on no one. They’re my girls, and I love them.”

  “I know. She’s just not being very rational at the moment.”

  “Can ya blame her?”

  “Of course not. I just thought you should know. It’s not you; it’s just her processing everything that’s coming.”

  I clenched my jaw and nodded. My hands reached forward to hold the edge of the counter.

  “You know, I’ve been told I’m a good listener.” Angel hopped up onto the counter and sat facin’ me. “In fact, I have it on very recent information.”

  “I just wanna help her. I just want her to be happy. Whatever time she has left, I want her to be happy.”

  “She is as happy as we can expect her to be. I’m certain of that.”

  It wasn’t enough for me. “I’ve just got to do something for her. I’ve gotta do better by her.”

  Angel ran her fingers through my hair. “You’re doing what she needs.”

  I shook my head. “It ain’t enough.”

  THE NEXT mornin’, Phoebe woke late and was more lethargic than I’d seen her before. Her feet were swollen, and her breathin’ was shallow despite the oxygen she’d been on all night. The home nurse expressed concerns and told me she was gonna get in contact with Phoebe’s specialist before he came for his appointment that afternoon.

  “After a night on dialysis, she shouldn’t be like this,” the nurse added.

  “Does it mean we’re gettin’ closer?”

  She pursed her lips and looked at the closed door. “Possibly.”

  I tried to push it out of my head as she got back to her tasks.

  Once she was finished with Phoebe, I knocked on the door and asked
to come in. “I miss ya, darlin’. Can I lie with you for a while?”

  “You slept beside me all night, didn’t you?”

  “It ain’t the same.”

  She stared at the wall rather than lookin’ at me.

  “Phoebe, darlin’, talk to me.”

  She frowned and turned her gaze to me. “What about?”

  “About whatever is eatin’ ya.”

  “Didn’t Angel talk to you?”

  I shifted closer to her—heartened by the fact that she hadn’t asked me to leave—and grabbed her hand. “Yeah, she did, but I wanna hear it from you. You’re my wife, darlin’.”

  “For now,” she mumbled.

  “What? Are ya plannin’ on leavin’ me? I ain’t that bad am I?” I tried for a teasin’ tone.

  “I’m not going to have much of a choice, am I? You’re everything I ever wanted and a better man than I ever could’ve hoped for, and I don’t want to say goodbye.”

  “Then why’re ya tryin’ to push me away now?”

  She broke down. “I don’t want to hurt you. Every morning I’ve been waking up sicker than when I went to bed. I’ve tried to pretend it’s not happening, but it is, Beau. It is, and I don’t know how much longer I’ve got left.”

  When she met my gaze, I fought back my tears. She reached out for me, and I moved closer, sittin’ beside her but drawin’ her against me. I brushed my hand over her head. An ache spread from the center of my chest to encompass my whole body. Tears stung at my eyes, and I could barely fight them. It was only the fact that tears would steal away my ability to see Phoebe, to burn her image into my brain, that I fought as hard as I did against them.

  “It’s gonna hurt me whenever it happens, but ya don’t need to push me away sooner. Let me enjoy every second o’ the time I got left with ya, darlin’. Please?”

  “I want to. I really don’t mean to be so terrible.”

  “Ya ain’t terrible. You’re scared. There’s a difference.”

  She wrapped her arm around my waist and held on tight as she could.

  “What’s one thing ya wish ya coulda done again?” I asked.

  “One thing? I don’t know if I have just one. There’s so much I wish I was able to do again.”

  I shifted so that I was sittin’ beside her and clasped her hand as if my life depended on it. “Like what?”

  “I would’ve loved to go to Cedar Creek Falls again.”

  “It is really pretty there.”

  “And I’d give anything just to be able to hop on my bike and go.”

  “Go where?”

  She gave a dreamy smile. “Anywhere.”

  “I would love to see ya on your bike again.”

  “And I would kill to have some disgusting and fatty food again. Chips and pizza. A hamburger.” She breathed out a long sigh. “And to sit and have another glass of Fireball with you and Angel. To go back to Georgia for one last trip.”

  “All of those things sound so wonderful.”

  “More than anything, I wish I could have been able to be the mother I wanted to be. To be able to just pick up my babies when they’re crying. To cuddle them close even when they’re wiggling around and fussing.”

  She started to cry against me, and I held her closer in response.

  “Are they okay?” she asked.

  “Angel’s got them.”

  Phoebe frowned. “She’s been more of a mother to them than I have.”

  “It ain’t something she’s doin’ to try to hurt ya.”

  “I know. It just sucks. She’s just trying to look out for us, but it costs everyone so much. It’s not fair on her or on us.”

  “Yeah.”

  “She’s too good for us. You know we’re only married because of her.”

  “Is that right?” I asked, wonderin’ how Phoebe figured that to be the case.

  “Before we got married, I freaked out. Angel talked me down, and I wasn’t afraid anymore. She got me through it. You want to know the crazy thing?”

  “What’s that, darlin’?”

  “This is exactly what I was freaking out over.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “This situation. Where I was sick, and you had to look after me until the end. This is exactly what I didn’t want for you.”

  “I knew what I was gettin’ into. I knew this coulda been a possibility, and I wanted it anyway.”

  We lay side by side and talked through all the things we hadn’t dared to discuss so far. It was like the floodgates had been opened and I didn’t want them to be closed again.

  When the doctor came, I sat with Phoebe while they spoke about her health. Before long, he got onto the topic of her increasing fatigue.

  “I want to go off dialysis,” Phoebe said, without a single waiver in her voice.

  “What?” I couldn’t help the volume of the word as it rushed from me.

  “It’s not helping me anymore. It’s not making me feel any better. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I want to sleep at night without the noise. To be able to roll over and not worry about possibly disconnecting wires.”

  I couldn’t believe her words, but at the same time, I found myself understanding them.

  “Generally, we would get a psychiatrist involved in these situations, just to make sure—”

  “That I’m not trying to off myself?” Phoebe asked.

  The doctor indicated with his hands that was exactly what he’d meant. “But in this case, I don’t see the benefit. The treatments are no longer working anyway, and I know you had evaluations in the hospital. If you are ready to stop dialysis, I can’t see any reason why you should continue it.”

  “I’m ready to stop.”

  I had to swallow hard to fight my emotions, but I didn’t argue. It was her decision, even if I didn’t entirely agree with it.

  “What about food?” Phoebe asked. “I’m sick to death of this damned diet if you’ll excuse the pun.”

  “If you’re stopping dialysis, there’s no need to continue on any diet or to restrict fluids as you have been. It’s about pain management and tidying up your affairs now.”

  I flexed my jaw and tried to fight the need to escape the room. Phoebe needed me to be strong. Stoic. Outwardly, I doubted a single emotion showed. Inwardly, I was a mess. There was nothin’ that didn’t ache as the thought settled through me that Phoebe would be goin’ off dialysis—the last thing sustainin’ her life. My fingers curled into fists so tight my nails dug into my palms. My jaw ached because I clenched it so hard and my whole head throbbed in time to the broken beat of my heart.

  “Thank you,” Phoebe said, as though the doctor had just given her the greatest gift there was.

  “I’ll talk to your nurse and let her know your decision. Of course, if you change your mind you can keep trying dialysis.”

  “Thank you, but I won’t change my mind.”

  I’d known that would be her response long before she issued it. She was stubborn as a mule sometimes, but I couldn’t complain. It was one of the things I’d fallen in love with about her in the first place.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN: WHAT’S GOOD

  WITH PHOEBE GOIN’ off dialysis, the final countdown was on.

  I barely slept that night and woke early the following mornin’ to make bacon and eggs for breakfast. Although she barely ate anything, the hum she made as she took her first bite was worth the effort.

  “Today is about you and me,” I said. “About makin’ up for all the things you ain’t been able to have while you’ve been sick and for the things you’re gonna miss.”

  “I see what’s happening here,” she said as she grabbed another servin’ of bacon. “You’re trying to speed things along, aren’t you?”

  I opened my mouth, but before I could respond, she giggled.

  “I’m just trying for a little humor,” she said. “I know that it’s not true.”

  “I just want ya to have the best day ya can.”

  Giving me a small smile, she asked,
“So what’s on the agenda?”

  “How are ya feelin’?”

  She sighed. “Like an overfilled water balloon. Tired. Barely able to breathe. You know—the usual.”

  “Do ya feel up for a quick spin ’round the block?”

  Her eyes widened. “What?”

  “Let’s get on your bike and just go.”

  “Really?”

  “What’ve ya got to lose?” I offered her my hand.

  “You’re right. Although I’m not sure I can control the bike these days.”

  “I do know how to control a bike. If ya trust me.”

  “Now I’m convinced you’re just done with me and just want me gone.” She grinned as she teased me.

  “That’s it, darlin’,” I said, decidin’ to play along with her teasin’. “That’s what today’s all about.”

  She brushed her hand over my hair and cupped my cheek. “See, I can read you like a book.”

  “Are you ready to go?”

  “No, but I will be in five.”

  I stuck to her side like glue, helpin’ her get ’round, as she got dressed and then I lead her out to her bike. After gettin’ her to set herself up, I slipped in behind her.

  “I thought you were taking control?” she asked as I set myself up.

  “I am.” I pulled her body close to mine so I could reach around her to grab the throttle. By the time I’d finished, she was sittin’ in my lap. If we were goin’ for a long ride, I wouldn’t have trusted the position, but I only planned on goin’ ’round the block. It mighta been a day of wish fulfillment, but I didn’t wanna put her in any danger to do it.

  Phoebe’s hands sat next to mine as I pushed the throttle and shifted the bike.

  Before long, we were twistin’ and turnin’ through the streets around our house. The entire ride lasted less than ten minutes, but the smile Phoebe wore when it ended was worth everything.

  “I didn’t think I’d ever be able to go for a ride again. Thank you.”

  “There’s more, darlin’.” I took her back inside, hopin’ Angel would have had time to finalize everythin’ she was settin’ up for our special day for Phoebe.

  “Really? What?”