At least, it was so long as I didn’t pay attention to the fact that she was in a hospital bed.
She looked healthier in the recordin’ than she had for a while. She musta made it while she was pregnant in the hospital and receivin’ the regular dialysis. She still had the sparkle in her seafoam eyes; they hadn’t dulled yet.
It was so much harder to see her like that. She looked too alive to be gone.
“If you’re watching this, I’m already dead,” she said before giving a guilty chuckle. “I’m sorry, it’s probably a little soon for that from where you’re sitting, but isn’t that just one of those things you always wanted to say? Kinda like ‘Take me to your leader,’ I guess.”
I covered my mouth to stop me from crying out. Apparently, she’d made this recordin’ before the true reality of it had sunk in for her. I had witnessed so many stages during her process of acceptance. This was clearly from the time when it was a theoretical eventuality; when she knew it was comin’ but hadn’t actually understood what that meant.
Later on, not long after the twins were born when we knew for sure what would happen, things had hit her a li’l harder.
“I just wanted to take a moment to tell you how much I love you. I know I’ve said that before, and you’ve said I’ve shown you that in a thousand different ways, but I don’t know what the end will be like. What if I’m unable to talk? To feed myself? You might need to sit for weeks or months at my bedside like you did with Abby. I might not be able to tell you the things I really want to say. You might have forgotten what we had before the bad set in. If I’ve been an ungrateful bitch, please know it’s not you, it’s me. I’m sure I’ll be the worst patient. I always have been. If my mind went before the rest of me, I’m sorry you had to put up with that, but I already know that you will put up with anything because that’s who you are.”
Although every word was a slice to my heart, they were all words I’d needed to hear. The reminder that she did trust me, that she believed I would be there until the end even though there had been a time she’d wanted to push me away, was just what I’d needed to know. The guilt I’d been feeling about my part in the chain of events that led to her death dissipated a little.
“I don’t know what has happened with these two,” Phoebe said, rubbin’ her swollen belly, “but I hope that it all went well. Other than something happening to them, my biggest fear is that I won’t be able to meet them. That something will happen during the delivery, and I’ll never get to hold them in my arms.”
It wasn’t a fear she’d discussed with me in depth, but it made sense in light of what I’d known about her and the risks she’d taken to bring them into the world.
“If you’re watching this when I intend you to, I’ll have been gone about a week. It feels so strange, imagining that time. Imagining you waking up every morning without me. Trying to picture how the pieces of the life we had fit without me in it. I hope you and Angel have found a way to support each other. I know this can’t be easy for either of you.” She stared at her hands for a moment before looking back up at the camera. “I don’t really know what else to say, this is all so new to me, but I guess I’ve got a little while to process it. At least, I hope I do. I really want to give you a proper goodbye.”
She signed off, and the recordin’ ended a moment later.
I took a few deep breaths to counter the ache that had taken over my chest. After I’d handled the pain as much as possible, I moved on to the recordin’ marked One Month. Waitin’ so long to start gave me two recordin’s to watch back to back.
“Hi, Beau. God, this is harder than I thought it would be. I’m really not sure what to include on these things. I don’t want to sound ridiculous and record the same thing over and over, but I also know you will only get to see them once every month or so. In that time, you’ll probably have forgotten what I told you the last time, so I guess I should start with the same thing. I love you, and I hope you’re coping okay. I know it won’t be easy, I can’t even imagine having to say goodbye to you. I’ve got to admit a selfish part of me is almost happy that I don’t have to be the one trying to do that. I’m not sure I could’ve survived it.
“By now, I think Angel will be feeling the loss more keenly than she has up to this point. See the thing with her is that she’s so incredibly strong, stronger than she gives herself credit for, but she’s not always kind to herself. At some point, she will break. You need to be there for her when she does, Beau. You need to help her through it and make her understand that she doesn’t have to do it all. Most of all, you need to support her like you promised me you would.”
She continued on for a little while longer, reassurin’ me that things would get better.
When the recordin’ ended, I felt the loss all over again. The next recordin’ was for two months after she’d gone, and I would have to wait two more weeks to watch that without goin’ back on my promise.
A cry from Abby pierced the air, and I pushed myself off the sofa to go to her side.
I tickled her belly. “Hey, li’l darlin’, what do ya need?”
She gave a small squeal before cooin’ at me and kickin’ her legs.
“Did ya wanna see your mama again?”
She made another squealin’ vocalization, and this time Emma joined in too. For a moment, I debated puttin’ on the next video and seein’ what else Phoebe had to say, but I’d made a promise to her that I wouldn’t watch any tape early. Instead, I played the first one again, watchin’ as Emma and Abby seemed to react to the sound of Phoebe’s voice. Maybe it was the soothin’ tone or the fact they recognized it from the time before they were born, but whatever it was, they seemed to enjoy the recordin’s.
Once we’d watched each one another three times, I decided Angel was right. I needed to do somethin’ with the girls. Break the routine somehow.
I called Alyssa to see whether it was a day she was at home with Georgia or whether she had gone into the office.
“I’m at home, why?”
“Are ya up for havin’ two li’l girls ’round for a play date?”
“I’d like that. Any special reason?”
“Apparently, I need to get out of the house for a while. I ain’t ready to attempt much more than a family visit right now.”
“I’ll be here all day, whenever you’re ready.”
“Thanks, Lys.”
I fed and changed the girls and settled them back down for a nap. While they were sleepin’, I showered and packed the diaper bag. I’d made it as far as loadin’ that up in the car when grief struck me hard again. This is the sorta thing I shoulda been doin’ with Phoebe. She shoulda been at my side, helpin’ to juggle the twins into the car.
As my breath rushed from me, I leaned forward against the car. “Goddammit, darlin’, I miss ya.”
Every day, I thought it was impossible for the depth of grief to swell any deeper, and every day, the pain in my chest proved me wrong. My knees buckled beneath me and I sank to the ground. I fished my phone from my pocket and pulled up the gallery. A few of the photos Angel had taken of Phoebe were on there, as well as a few candid photos I’d taken myself.
Bracin’ myself for the ache, I ran through the photos one at a time. I paused on each one for a few seconds, relishin’ in her eyes and smile. She was so full of life that it was hard to believe that life was over.
It was too soon to try to get out of the house. Too soon to do anythin’ but be there for my girls. I sent Alyssa a text to let her know I wasn’t gonna be comin’ ’round after all. When she replied, she just let me know the offer was still there if I changed my mind later. Or even another day if that would work better.
I wasn’t sure there was a day anything would work better.
By the time Angel came home, I had the twins in my bed, and I was singin’ along to the playlist of songs that reminded me of their mother with stingin’ eyes and an achin’ chest.
“Beau, have you got—” Angel’s voice cut off when she saw m
e. “Hey there, babies,” she cooed before turning to me. “Did you watch the recordings from Phoebe?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you go out?”
“No.”
She frowned at me. “Are you going to give me anything more than one-word answers?”
“No.”
She huffed out a breath. “Beau, this isn’t good for them, or you. Maybe I can take them out for a while.”
“No.”
“Beau—”
“No. I ain’t ready.”
“So you’re going to keep going against everything Phoebe wanted for you?”
“I ain’t goin’ against anythin’. I just need time.”
“How much time? Another month? A year? Ten? When does it stop? When do you start living again?”
Each new word was like another knife in my heart. I absorbed them until I couldn’t take anymore. There seemed to be a deeper question that was strugglin’ to escape, but she kept it buried. “When Phoebe comes back to me! That’s when I’m gonna start livin’ again. ’Til then, there ain’t no life worth havin’.”
The twins screamed at the sound of my raised voice.
“How about I take the girls and get them settled back into their cot?” Angel suggested.
Her words that mornin’ about me needin’ to spend more time with them resonated with me. She’d told me to do this, and now she was tryin’ ta tell me not to? She had no right to dictate our lives. “Leave ’em with me.”
“What about what we spoke about this morning?”
I ground my teeth together. “I’m spendin’ time with them, ain’t I?”
“They don’t need to spend time cooped up in a room of sadness. They need to be shown the wonder of life. Of family and friends. Like Phoebe would’ve wanted for them. This isn’t—”
“Ya ain’t their mother!” I snapped.
Both girls screamed in response.
Angel straightened instantly and glared at me. “I never said I was trying to be.”
“Ya can’t go makin’ all these choices for them.” For me. “Ya ain’t got no right.”
“Someone has to step up and look out for them,” she growled. “Because you sure as shit haven’t been. I get it, Phoebe dying sucks. It wasn’t the plan, and it fucking sucks, but she left you with two beautiful girls who need you, Beau. They need you, and you aren’t trying.”
“I’m doin’ nothin’ but tryin’.” My jaw clenched tight, and tears fought to be free as I stared at her. “Every minute of every day, I’m tryin’ to just breathe for once without this pain in my chest. I’m tryin’ to deal with survivin’ another minute when the mother of my children ain’t here beside me. Ya ain’t Phoebe, and ya need to stop tryin’ to be.”
“If that’s the way you feel.” Tears tracked down her face.
Even her tears weren’t enough to disarm my irritation though. “It is.”
She backed out of the room, and I heard a door slam down the hall a few seconds later. The sound shattered the last grip I had on reality, and I dropped my head to my pillow to stop myself from cryin’ again. I was sick of the tears. Sick of every damn thing that wasn’t the memory of Phoebe.
When the girls’ cries wouldn’t stop, I had to ignore my own needs and try to calm them both down.
I WOKE when Abby screamed in the middle of the night. My heart pounded as I jolted into a seated position. The girls were both still in my bed, and Angel hadn’t come in when the cryin’ had started.
After climbin’ from the bed, I opened the door. Then I turned back to juggle both the girls into my arms.
“Angel?” I called out, expectin’ that she’d want to help. “Sweetness?”
When she still didn’t come out of her room, I worried she was still hurtin’ from our argument. I set the girls in their crib, and then knocked on Angel’s door. I was almost certain she’d be awake—how could she not be after the girls had screamed so loud?
“Sweetness, I just wanted to—” I cut off when I saw the bed was empty. My heart plummeted to my feet. I mighta been angry that she was tryin’ ta push me back into the world too fast, but that didn’t mean I wanted her to leave.
The girls’ screams called me again, and I couldn’t focus on Angel’s absence. I changed and fed them before settlin’ them back to sleep. Once I had, I sat on the sofa and watched Phoebe’s messages again.
When I hit the part about her needin’ me to look after Angel, I broke.
How could I have let them both down so badly? All Angel had done was be there for me in every way possible. She’d looked out for the girls and me, exactly as Phoebe woulda wanted, and I’d repaid her by bein’ an ass.
It was too early in the morning to try to track her down, but it was gonna be my priority for the next day.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: SWEET RETREAT
“YOU’RE SURE YA ain’t seen her?” I asked Alyssa again. Hers was the third number I’d called, and so far, I hadn’t had any luck findin’ Angel.
“No. I’m sorry. I wish I could help more.”
“If ya do see her, can ya please ask her to call me?”
“Is everything okay?”
“I think I mighta pushed her too far last night. She was only tryin’ ta help, and I mighta said some things I didn’t mean.”
Alyssa sighed down the telephone line. “This isn’t easy for anyone.”
“It ain’t. And I mighta made it harder on her. I ain’t exactly been a good roommate lately.”
“I don’t think that surprises anyone. Why don’t you come around today like you planned to yesterday?”
“Thank ya, but I wanna find Angel. I’ve left her voicemails, but she ain’t answerin’ ’em.”
“Well, why don’t you bring the girls around and I’ll watch them while you go looking for Angel?”
The idea was temptin’. The girls would be crammed in a car until I found Angel otherwise. “Maybe that’s a good idea.”
One way or another, Angel was gonna get her wish. I was gonna get outta the house for a while. I said goodbye to Alyssa before gatherin’ up what I needed for the girls, packin’ them up, and settin’ them both into their carriers.
I put them in the car and took a few deep breaths before slippin’ behind the wheel.
After stickin’ the key in the ignition, I had to take a couple more deep breaths to calm myself. Other than the funeral and collectin’ the ashes, I hadn’t left the house. Angel had taken care of everythin’, from the shoppin’ to bills.
And I’d repaid her by treatin’ her like trash.
It wasn’t fair on her.
When I arrived at Alyssa’s place, she came out to greet me in the driveway. I’d barely stopped the car when she opened the rear passenger door and was drawin’ Emma’s carrier out of the car.
I got Abby’s carrier out and followed Alyssa inside. We hadn’t even said any words to each other, simply noddin’ in greetin’.
It was only when I’d set Emma’s carrier down and lifted my daughter out of it onto the play mat Alyssa had set up that I took in Alyssa’s appearance. At first glance, she appeared to have put the grief behind her in ways I wasn’t able to, but meetin’ her eye, there was a deeper pain than I’d considered possible at first glance. It was clear she was strugglin’ as much as I was.
Despite needin’ to find Angel and apologize, I took some time to talk with Alyssa and see how she was. I’d lost my wife, but she’d lost her daughter.
“Dec is struggling with it all,” she confided. “She was his little clone in so many ways, and over the years they grew closer than I think even Dec understood. Now that she’s gone . . . Well, he’s thrown himself into Emmanuel Racing so deep that it’s just not healthy. He’s hardly ever home, but he refuses to admit that he needs help. The kids are suffering because of it.”
She didn’t need to voice the rest of her sentence—that she was suffering—it was evident in every part of her demeanor. Had losin’ Phoebe fractured their lives that much? The thought had bare
ly even registered before it hit me that of course it would. If anything could crack the rock solid foundation of Declan and Alyssa, it would be losin’ Phoebe. “Is there anything I can do?”
“I wouldn’t dream of putting any more pressure on you than you already have, but when you feel ready, can you help him? Please? I know you don’t want to go away from the girls, and I respect that, but just having someone around the office who really understands—even for a day or two, a week—will help him more than he’d ever admit.”
“I-I can’t focus on anyone else right now,” I admitted. “I don’t know how. I thought losin’ my sister was hard, but I-I never really prepared myself to lose Phoebe. Not really. I heard what she said about her kidneys, I knew the possibility, but I was so confident she was gonna beat the odds. So certain she couldn’t leave me like this.”
Alyssa reached across the table for my hand. “I think we all did, sweetie.”
I tried to stow my emotions before they ripped through me again.
“Have you given any thought to what you’ll do in the coming months?” Alyssa asked. She seemed to be steppin’ around somethin’ bigger, and it wasn’t difficult to guess what that was.
“Are ya askin’ whether I’m gonna go back to the States?”
She offered a guilty half-smile. “Well, you did move halfway across the world to be with Phoebe. You left a life there. It has to have crossed your mind . . . hasn’t it?”
“I ain’t sure that it has.” A sound halfway between a chuckle and a sob left my throat. “I ain’t had many thoughts about anythin’ that weren’t about the pain of losin’ her.”
“That’s what I mean though. Part of me is a little worried you might decide the memories are too hard and just leave one day.”
I thought about her words. It was possible there was some truth in them. Would I eventually want to escape the memories I was currently attemptin’ to drown myself in?
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