Beacon

by Michelle Irwin

  After her statement, she stood and went to grab some drinks for the three girls.

  Her words washed over me as I sat alone in thought. Had I been makin’ things worse with my safety first attitude? After all, I’d asked Angel to give up on any other chance of love in order to look after the girls. Was that fair to her? She’d said she was happy with it though, so who was I to argue with that?

  “Are you coming around to our place for Christmas?” Alyssa asked when she slid back in beside me.

  “Yeah. I think we will. Did ya want us to bring anythin’?”

  “No. We’ve got it organized because we’re having all the family around.”

  It was gonna be the first Christmas without Phoebe. I didn’t think I was gonna be good company, but it was better than spendin’ the day alone.

  For the next few weeks, Alyssa’s words played in my mind every time my first instinct was to run after the girls. I needed to learn to do what she wanted. I needed to live a li’l.

  In the lead-up to Christmas, I made a decision. If Angel was happy with bein’ in the girls’ lives as their adoptive mother, I would formalize the arrangement. That decision made it clear to me that we should get married so we could be a proper family. It might be unconventional, but I would be damned if I was gonna let my girls have the same broken family Angel, and I both grew up with. I was certain Angel would understand my logic when I could explain myself properly. I just needed to figure out how to do that first.

  Havin’ decided on my plan, I found a jeweler to set the diamond Phoebe had left me into a settin’. I spent nearly two hours pourin’ over the designs and tryin’ to find one that was not only worthy of the stone but that also suited Angel. I mighta been askin’ her to enter a marriage of convenience rather than one based on passion, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want her to have somethin’ meaningful to us both.

  The jeweler called three days before Christmas to let me know the ring was ready. When I collected it, I had to take a moment to catch my breath. The blue diamond dazzled in the setting and stole my breath. Just like Phoebe herself had. Two diamond-encrusted bands enclosed the ring on either side of the main stone. Instead of distracting from the beauty of Phoebe’s blue center diamond though, they enhanced the shine.

  “It’s stunnin’,” I said as I looked over the beautiful piece.

  “Congratulations and good luck with your proposal.”

  After I’d collected the ring, it sat heavily in my pocket. I tried to ignore the reason for the weight. It wasn’t nerves about marriage; I would be a good husband to Angel. I would keep her safe and protected. I would even love her in my own way. It was a niggle at the back of my head that warned me I was doin’ it wrong. It was Mabel’s voice, tellin’ me I needed to marry for love and not convenience. It was Phoebe’s voice, tellin’ me Angel deserved more than what I was offerin’ her.

  Ignorin’ the voices, I pushed on with my plan. Angel and I were friends. Wasn’t that a good enough foundation for a family? When we were together, we had fun. I couldn’t imagine a better person to help raise Phoebe’s girls. The thoughts circled ’round and ’round in my mind.

  Despite the certainty Angel would understand, there was another concern that played on my mind. Phoebe’s parents. I didn’t want Declan and Alyssa to think I was forgettin’ their daughter or livin’ a life that didn’t respect her memory. Even though I still hadn’t formally asked Angel, I figured it was worth talkin’ to Declan and Alyssa first. That way I could explain the situation between us before any rumors started and crept outta control.

  AFTER GREETIN’ the other guests at the Christmas party and minglin’ for a li’l while, I asked Declan and Alyssa if I could speak to them alone for a while. I had the gift that Phoebe had left for them, but it was also an excellent opportunity to discuss my plan with them. It would affect their lives—their granddaughters’ futures.

  “Phoebe’s lawyers sent a parcel a li’l while ago. This was in it.”

  Alyssa’s hand came to her mouth to cover a cry as Declan grabbed the parcel from me.

  “Thank you, I’ll put it under the tree with everything else,” Declan said. He went to stand as soon as it was in his hands.

  “Can I talk to y’all about somethin’ else for a moment?”

  “What is it?” Alyssa asked.

  Leanin’ forward, I wrung my hands together and couldn’t look at either of them. Especially not Declan, with his eyes so similar to Phoebe’s. I couldn’t stand to see the betrayal in the seafoam depths as I told them about what was comin’ next for Angel, the girls, and me.

  “Ya both know that I love Phoebe more than anythin’.” It was still present tense for me, it always would be. I would never “have loved” Phoebe, I would only ever love her.

  “Of course,” Alyssa confirmed.

  “And that I’d never do nothin’ that I thought wasn’t in the best interest of both her memory and the twins.”

  “What’s going on?” Declan asked. He and Alyssa exchanged a worried glance.

  “Y’all know I’m goin’ over to Georgia . . .” Why was it so hard to tell them? I hadn’t betrayed Phoebe and with the way things were between us, we wouldn’t. “Well, I mean, Angel and me are takin’ the girls . . .” I stared at my hands again and chewed on the inside of my lip.

  “You’re not leaving Australia, are you?” Alyssa asked, her voice quiet.

  I sat back and shook my head. “No. Definitely not. This is my home. I couldn’t take the girls away from their family.”

  “I don’t understand then,” Alyssa said.

  I sighed out a staggered breath. “Angel and me, we’re tryin’ things out to see if we can make it work. As a couple.” My last words were rushed, runnin’ together in a jumble. It was the worst explanation I coulda given because it sounded far more intimate than the reality of our relationship

  “Weren’t you already?” Declan asked.

  “We just assumed . . .” Alyssa added, castin’ Declan a confused stare. “Well, you’ve been living together since Phoebe . . .” She trailed off and squeezed her eyes closed before takin’ a few quick breaths. “And you two are so close. Plus, what you told Declan. Well, we just thought you must’ve found your way together in the tragedy.”

  “What? Why didn’t you say anythin’?”

  “It’s not our place, sweetheart. Not really. Although, I was trying to give you our blessing when we met up the other week.” Alyssa moved closer to me, cuppin’ my cheek with her hand. She mightn’t have been that much older than me, but in moments like that, she made me wish I was genuinely one of her children and not just related by marriage. “You and Angel are both grown-ups. It’s not like you doing anything wrong by falling in love over a shared history.”

  It didn’t make sense to me because they thought we were together—actually together—and yet they were okay with it? “Ya ain’t mad?”

  “I was a little surprised at first, but I’ve had time to think about it,” Declan added. “No one could have loved Phoebe better than you did. Even I know that. But she always knew there was every possibility her condition would cut short her life. We all did. Nothing prepares you for the reality, of course, but she wouldn’t have wanted you to live the rest of your life in the shadow of her. Abby and Emma deserve better than that. You and Angel both do too.”

  “I was worried ya might think I was disrepectin’ Phoebe’s memory.”

  “No.” Alyssa’s voice was so emphatic, I had to meet her gaze. When I did, the tears were apparent. “Disrespecting her memory would be curling into a ball and refusing to live.”

  “Getting drunk every night and trying to forget your troubles that way,” Declan added.

  “If you think Angel is right for you, then, of course, you both have our support. The girls love her. We love her.”

  “I do love her,” I admitted, as much to myself as to them. “But that don’t mean I love Phoebe any less.”

  “Of course not, sweetheart.” Alyssa cupped m
y cheek. “We know you’re not trying to replace Phoebe.”

  “She’s pretty darn irreplaceable.” I coughed to stop myself from tearin’ up again. “There’s more,” I added.

  “What is it?” Declan frowned as he asked the question.

  “I got this in the parcel Phoebe’s lawyers sent.” My eyes burned as I grabbed the ring from my pocket. “Phoebe musta arranged it with the funeral home.”

  I held out the blue-green gemstone set in the feminine ring.

  “It’s beautiful, but what is it?” Alyssa reached her hand out. “I mean, I know it’s a ring, but I’ve never seen anything like it before. Was it important to her?”

  I choked back a dark laugh. “It’s Phoebe.” I flinched as Alyssa ran her fingers over the setting. “The blue stone is made from . . . from . . .” I couldn’t say her remains. Even now, so far down the track, it barely felt real that she was gone. “From her ashes,” I added in a whisper.

  Alyssa’s hand closed over mine, lockin’ the ring into my fist. “She obviously wanted you to give it to someone special.”

  I looked up at the ceilin’ to avoid her gaze. “Yeah. She told me to move on with someone else. To remarry.”

  “Do you want that?” Declan asked.

  Tryin’ to piece together my thoughts I traced my fingers through my hair. “I don’t know. Phoebe will always be my wife. I ain’t ever gonna think any different about her. But—” I sighed and squeezed the ring tighter—as though it might provide me some comfort. “I want the things Phoebe wanted for the girls. I want them to have a proper family. I don’t want them to grow up without a mama. I know what it’s like to grow up without a whole family, and I don’t want that for them.”

  “She wouldn’t want you to be unhappy,” Alyssa said with tears brimmin’ in her eyes. “That’s one thing I’m sure of, there’s nothing Phoebe wanted for you more than your happiness.”

  “Then she shouldn’ta left.” I pressed my fists to my aching forehead. “She shoulda stayed because that’s the only way I coulda been happy.”

  I lifted my gaze at the silence and caught Declan watchin’ the space behind me with a frown dippin’ his brow.

  “The girls are asking for you,” Angel said from behind me.

  “Angel, I—”

  She flashed me a smile, cutting off my thought. Somethin’ burned deep in her gaze, but she wouldn’t meet my eye long enough for me to figure out what.

  She rounded the chairs and sat beside me. “So, has Beau told you about his proposal?” She lifted her chin and met each of Phoebe’s parents’ gazes in turn.

  Declan and Alyssa shared another loaded glance. “He has,” Alyssa confirmed.

  It was impossible to find the words to clarify the situation—to say that they weren’t on the same page over the word proposal.

  “I’m glad.” She didn’t sound glad. “There’s nothing I hate more than bullshit and lies.”

  I reached my hand out for her, wantin’ to offer some comfort to her—and maybe draw some in return. Instead of lettin’ me take it like she had every other time, her arm stiffened, and she moved her hand into her lap.

  Had she overheard what I’d said, and taken it at the worst face value?

  Declan’s and Alyssa’s expressions seemed to suggest she might have.

  Did she think I was lyin’ to her?

  “We’ll just let you two talk for a moment. We should be getting back to the rest of our guests anyway,” Declan said, nudging Alyssa. “We’ll be around if you need us, okay?”

  I couldn’t tear my eyes off the side of Angel’s face as I nodded. Her jaw was tight and her breathing too controlled to be completely natural.

  “Thank you for the gift,” Alyssa added as she left.

  Barely seconds after Declan and Alyssa had left, Angel breathed out a sigh that seemed to carry months of frustration.

  “What is it?” I asked, reachin’ for her hand again.

  “I guess I just saw the blinding truth for the first time, and it hurt.”

  “What truth?”

  She closed her eyes and issued another slow sigh. “I can’t do this, Beau. I love those girls, and I love you, but I can’t put myself through this. It’s not fair to me, or you.”

  “What are ya talkin’ about?”

  “I can’t be a consolation prize in your life. I can’t have half of you. Half of a life. Half of a relationship. I know you’re always going to love Phoebe, and I’m not asking you not to. I’m just saying that I can’t do this like I thought I could.”

  “What are you sayin’?”

  “You have to be all the way in this, or I have to go.”

  I set my jaw as I stared at her. The tears wettin’ her lashes were almost enough to disarm me, but I couldn’t give her what she wanted. I was happy to have her as my wife, and she would be the best mother for my girls, but I couldn’t give her more than that. It wasn’t fair of her to ask me to offer more than I had. More than I could.

  But was it fair to ask her to give up on any chance of findin’ a lovin’ partner? To swear herself to a life of chastity just to be involved in the girls’ lives. Regardless of whether it was fair, she’d agreed to it. She’d said she was happy with it. If she wasn’t, then everythin’ would be doomed from the start.

  “Go then,” I said, clutchin’ tighter to the ring in my hand. It wasn’t what I hoped for, but if she wanted more, I wasn’t the one to offer it. “’Cause I can’t give ya more than I already am. I tol’ ya, sweetness, I can’t bring drama to the girls’ lives. I can’t commit myself to somethin’ more.”

  She stood and nodded. “Okay.”

  “Okay?”

  “I’ll pack my things when we get home.”

  “I don’t want ya to leave.”

  She bit her lip and sucked down a deep breath. Her gaze turned up to the ceilin’. “And I can’t stay. Not like this.”

  The thought of her leavin’ burned my chest, but I couldn’t beg her to stay because I couldn’t offer her what she needed. “Okay. D’ya have somewhere else you can go?”

  She bit her quiverin’ lip and then nodded. “I’ll find somewhere. This will be easier on you in the long run. Better for the girls.”

  I couldn’t argue with her. If she wasn’t willing to accept the limited parts I had to offer, it would be easier for everyone to avoid drama in the future and end things sooner.

  For the rest of the party, Angel avoided me. I didn’t blame her, but it wasn’t how I wanted to spend Christmas. When most of the guests had gone, and it was time to open the presents, I sat on the sofa and Angel sat on the floor. Although I tried to keep Emma and Abby under control at my side, Abby fought loose and crawled to Angel’s lap.

  I checked on Angel to make sure she was okay with Abby and caught her sniffin’ Abby’s hair before closin’ her eyes as if to block her tears. My mind turned to the ring in my pocket, and I thought about tryin’ to win her back with that, but I still couldn’t. It was impossible to suggest things would change considerin’ I didn’t want anythin’ to change. I was content with the way our lives were.

  Alyssa opened the gift from Phoebe, finding a series of smaller gifts inside. There was three pendants like the ones Phoebe had given to Abby and Emma—one for each of Phoebe’s sisters, a locket similar to Angel’s for Alyssa, and three masculine rings with a blue stone in each for Declan, Brock, and Parker.

  There was also an envelope for each of Phoebe’s siblings. Each had a letter with information about a bank transfer to be released when they reached the age of eighteen. Brock’s had a note from Phoebe suggestin’ that he use his funds to go to a basketball camp he’d been eyein’ in the States before Phoebe had passed away.

  Alyssa’s mouth screwed up as Brock read out the note. When she turned toward me, no doubt feelin’ my gaze, I raised one brow to suggest that maybe lettin’ go wasn’t as easy as she’d suggested. She gave me a half-smile that confirmed I was right but told me it was a permanent work in progress for her.
r />   After Beth had handed out all the presents, I packed everythin’ the girls had received into the trunk of the car. Angel musta taken it as a suggestion to leave because it wasn’t too long before she had the girls ready to go too.

  By the time we got home, I had hoped the earlier incident mighta been forgotten. Watchin’ Angel close to tears as she helped with baths and bedtime though, I realized it hadn’t been.

  Once the girls were asleep, Angel sighed. “Just give me a couple of days, and I’ll be out of your hair.”

  “You don’t have to go, sweetness.” I reached out for her hand, intendin’ on drawin’ her into one of the comfortin’ embraces we’d shared before. Those were innocent enough, and something friends could share.

  She pulled away and raised a hand to stop me from tryin’ again. “No. I do. I really do.”

  Before I could say anythin’ more, she turned away and disappeared into her bedroom.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: LEAVIN’ HOME

  FOR THE NEXT few days, Angel barely said a word to me. The longer things dragged on, the more convinced I was that she wasn’t just moving out, but that she was going to move on. I wouldn’t blame her if she did even though I couldn’t imagine life without her.

  Every time she wasn’t in her bedroom, she was with the girls. Her fingers found the locket on her bracelet almost constantly and the li’l motion reminded me of the way Phoebe would play with her MedicAlert bracelet whenever she was nervous.

  “I’m gonna miss ya, sweetness,” I said.

  Angel stiffened and nodded. “I’ll miss you too, but you do understand, don’t you?”

  “Angel, how long have I known ya?”

  A sad smile crossed her lips. “A while.”

  “So, yeah, I understand, even if I wish it could be different. You’re like Phoebe—you have too much love to give that it hurts you not to be able to share it.”

  “I should probably let you know I’ve found another place. They’re comin’ to pick me up in an hour.”

  The air left my lungs. It seemed far too soon and I wasn’t ready to let her go. I couldn’t ask her to stay though, not without givin’ her more. And I couldn’t do that because she was right. I owed her more than a half-life filled with friendship but not romantic love.