by Andy Mandela
After dinner, I walk Hannah to her car, just how I did the first time. “Thank you Luke,” she tells me. “I must say that tonight was really worth the wait.”
“I’m glad,” I respond. “How about tomorrow, I call you and see how you’re doing. Maybe we can get together again.”
“Alright,” she says, smiling, and giving a nod of approval. Just before she gets into her car, she leans in and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “Take care,” she tells me, then proceeds to get in her car.
“Goodnight,” I return. I am so glad I met with her tonight. Everything felt perfect.
Over the next week, Hannah and I have spent a considerable amount of time with each other, almost as if I’m dating someone new. But I’m not. We’re not. We’ve agreed to only be friends for the time being, her placing the reason on that she doesn’t give enough time to really get to know someone before the actual dating process.
I still haven’t mentioned anything about Karina, whom I haven’t had any contact with this entire week. There might still be a whole week still before she calls me again. I’ve no idea how Karina will react finding out I’ve been spending so much time with someone else, especially another woman. The whole thing was her idea anyway, but I’m sure she’ll find a way to use that against me.
Hannah and I have been to the mall together, to a movie together, and have spent days on the town together. The best thing about this whole week is that I’ve been able to keep my sanity in check. By that, I mean that I haven’t been hearing noises, hearing things, or been having unusual dreams. Hannah has really been great company. Tonight is the first night Hannah has been to my apartment. She complimented me on my style, saying I have good taste. I haven’t been to Hannah’s apartment yet, but she tells me she lives close to the suburbs. I think I might have seen that complex before. If it’s the place I’m thinking of, then it’s a lovely place, just beside the suburbs.
Tonight, we decided to hang out at my place. We were watching television earlier, but now I think she’s drifting in and out of sleep on the couch. “Hannah,” I whisper. “Are you tired?”
She opens her eyes to look at me, but speaks in a tired voice. “Yeah, but I don’t think I want to drive all the way home right now. It’s late. Would it be okay if I sleep here tonight?”
“Sure, it’s no problem. You can…” I remember when Karina first stayed the night in my apartment. I was about to tell Hannah she could have my bed, which made me recall the time I offered my bed to Karina.
“I’ll just sleep on the couch. I feel like I could just fall asleep right now,” says Hannah, already making her place on the couch.
I turn off the television and give Hannah a blanket from the other room. I think she might have fallen asleep before I made it to my own bed. I lie in bed for about a half hour thinking about how I’m going to have to eventually come clean with Hannah. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, and I really don’t want to have another scene like when Karina found out about my past.
I think about what Karina could be doing at this very moment. She could be looking up an old flame like how I did. Maybe. But all my thoughts are cut off when I hear a knocking sound at my door. It must be close to midnight. Who on Earth could it be? The only person I can think of is Karina. But it’s only been a week.
Once again, I quietly get up before the person on the other door knocks again. I see that Hannah is still sound asleep, even though she’s sleeping right next to the door. The knock wasn’t very loud, but I still hesitate to open it. But I have to. And when it’s opened, I notice the dim lighting of the hallway, then Karina’s eyes staring into mine.
“Karina? What are you doing here so late?” I say, stepping out into the hallway, shutting the door.
“I came by this afternoon, but you weren’t home. I wanted to give you something,” she says.
I see a photo frame in her hand. She gives it to me, and I see that it’s the photo of her she kept on her nightstand, the one that reads, “In Liebe, Karina.” I wonder why she has come here so late just to give me this.
“Technically, it’s your gift. I thought that you’d might want to keep it,” she says.
“Thank you,” I politely say, but now I see there is a different look in Karina’s face. It looks like she’s thinking pretty hard about something.
“Why are we talking out here? Why didn’t you let me come inside?” she questions. I can do nothing but look back at the door like I’m hiding something, which I am. “Oh my God. You’ve got someone in there, don’t you? Don’t you?” she questions, her lips slightly quivering.
“Yes, I do.” I don’t lie.
“Is it a woman?” she asks, increasingly frustrated.
“Yes, but she’s only a friend.”
“Only a friend, huh?”
“That’s right.”
“Are you sleeping together?”
“No. But to be honest, I haven’t told her about you.”
“Why not?” she demands.
“Because it never came up,” I retort.
“So what do you think she’s gonna do when she finds out you have a girlfriend?”
“I said we’re just friends. There’s nothing wrong with that. Besides, didn’t you yourself say we should see other people?”
“Yes, but I didn’t say sleep with other people.”
“We are not sleeping together!” I say in a loud whisper. Now there’s just that awkward moment of silence.
“I guess I’ll go now and leave you… two… together,” says Karina, backing away.
“Karina, wait,” I say, as if I’ve thought of something else. I just didn’t want her to walk away upset. “Even though it’s only been a week, how about I go over to your place tomorrow and be with you?”
“Oh, you don’t have to. You should be with your new friend,” she says sarcastically.
“Damn it, Karina, did you expect me to sit alone in my apartment for a whole week?” I say, frustrated myself.
“No, I expected you to forget all about me,” she says in a similar tone, pressing the button for the elevator. I let out a heavy breath and roll my eyes. “Oh, and I want you to know,” she says as the elevator doors open, “whenever you’re in bed with her, you’re only going to be thinking of me.”
Those words sink in my head as she walk in the elevator and the doors close. I take a few more deep breaths, calming myself before going back inside. Feeling alright, but not great, I go back in, and see Hannah still fast asleep. I look at the photo in my hands as I walk back to my bedroom. I don’t know what to do with it.
For now, I just sit it on top of my dresser, but I turn it around to face the wall. It is behind some of my things so it doesn’t look too conspicuous. I leave it there and get back in my bed to attempt to go to sleep. Now Karina knows I’ve been seeing someone else and isn’t too pleased about it. I can only imagine what’s going to happen next.
Chapter 18
I’ve been waking up so much during the night, I was able to see the sun rise inch by inch into the sky. What’s odd is that, for some reason, I somehow feel well-rested. Hannah wakes up a little later and stretches as she sits up from the couch.
“Good morning,” she says with a cheerful tone and morning eyes. “Your couch is so comfortable.”
“I know. There are times where I prefer the couch to my own bed,” I say.
“Thanks for allowing me to stay in your home,” she offers.
“No problem. The pleasure is mine.” I offer her a glass of orange juice as I pour myself a glass.
After we have a glass together, Hannah tells me, “I should probably be on my way now. I have to go to work today, so I should get home and get ready.”
“Okay,” I agree.
“Listen, I’ll call you when I get off. Then maybe you can come by my apartment and we can hang out there,” she says.
“Alright, that sounds great,” I say, walking her to the door. We exchange goodbyes, then I’m left all alone in my apartment. I think
of what to do with the time I have to myself today. I have the perfect idea. I think I’ll go out shopping for some new clothes. I told myself that I wanted to dress nicer, since I liked my outfit that one night when Hannah and I went out to eat.
I take out some money from my safe to take with me, but before I leave, I see that picture of Karina turned backwards. I don’t turn it around, nor even move to look at the front of it. I continue to get dressed as I try to keep Karina off my mind.
Later on, I’m shopping at the mall for dress shirts, pants, and leather shoes. I want to look the part of a man who should be owning his own business. I buy some nice ties, two complete suits, one dark and one gray, a few nice button shirts, and a pair of black loafers. All of this cost me over five hundred dollars. Never have I ever been fitted for clothing before. I’m not used to dressing like this, and it makes me feel like a completely different person. Fortunately, I look like the kind of guy who should live in a house on the hill overlooking the suburbs.
I go home, and I put on my gray suit, loafers, and a black tie with a white shirt. But this time, when I notice Karina’s photo, I feel forced to look at it. I hold it in my hand, and remember all those beautiful times back then. She looks so beautiful dancing around and having fun… with me.
Karina may have been mad last night, and she had every reason to be, since I took it upon myself to see Hannah without so much as a full day’s hesitation. I still love Karina, but for some reason I don’t feel okay around her. I can’t explain it, but it seems like Karina has changed. Last night when she came over, she wasn’t her usual self. Yes, she found out I was with someone, but the way she handled it didn’t seem like her.
I stare at this photo, thinking of all the great times we’ve shared, and wondering of that’s all we’ll ever have. I have this feeling like Hannah has made me such a happier person. When I was with Karina, I was constantly worrying about everything. When I’m with Hannah, I’m happy. It’s not that Karina didn’t make me happy, but there was just something, sort of like an unseen presence, lingering around whenever I was with her. I can’t explain it, but lately that feeling has been stronger, to the point where I’ve been going crazy. Once again, it’s not Karina herself, but something else that’s trying to hint that we aren’t right for each other. I don’t want to believe it, but I’m afraid that I may have no choice.
I think back to when I first met Hannah, so sweet and shy, the kind of girl I was hoping I could have one day. Not even a day later I met Karina and chose her instead. Why? We hit it off pretty well, but things started to move really fast. We began dating after only a few days, whereas this whole week, Hannah and I have been just friends. Did I move too fast with Karina? I tried my hardest not to, waiting two months before we made love. I don’t know anymore.
I put the photo back on the dresser, facing the wall once again. It’s not that I don’t want to look at Karina, but I just don’t like being reminded of days past in a confusing present. Oh how I wish those days made more sense. Right as I put the photo back to where it was, my phone rings. I take out my phone and see that it’s Hannah calling me.
“Hello?” I answer, taking my eyes off the picture frame.
“Hi Luke. Hey, I got work a little early today, so if you want, you can come on over to my place whenever. I live in 11A.”
“Sure, okay. I’ll be over there when I can,” I say.
“Great. See ya,” she says, then hangs up.
Hannah’s told me before where she lives. It was the same complex I was thinking about. It’s all the way across town, but at least it’s on the good side. I get my things and leave, anxious to hear what Hannah has to say about my new wardrobe.
I’m driving down the road, and once I’ve reached one block, I look far down the road to see Karina’s building. I told Karina that I would go over there today, but after our heated discussion last night, I’m not sure if she’s really looking forward to see me. But I’ve always kept pride in being a man of my word, so I make the turn and drive to her apartment building. I won’t stay long. I’ll tell her that I can only stay for a little bit, and that I only came by because I said I would. If she doesn’t want me to stay, that’s fine. I’ll just leave and be on my way to Hannah’s. As much as it kills me to desert Karina, I’m just not sure how strong we are now. When I was standing out in the hallway with her last night, it didn’t feel like I was talking to the Karina I once knew. There was something not right, and wasn’t because she was upset.
We can talk about it when I get up to her room. I park my car, go in the building, go up the elevator, and walk to her door. I knock while looking down that curved hallway again. There’s no answer. Now I’m starting to think Karina is avoiding me. I grab the door knob and twist it. Thinking that it would be locked, it’s not. The door is unlocked. I push it open slowly and let it open all the way before letting myself in. She’s not in her bed. I step inside and close the door once I’m in.
“Karina?” I say. She’s nowhere in the room. When I find her, the first thing I’d like to tell her is to never leave her door unlocked. But I can’t find her. I walk into the hallway and see no one inside her other room. But I do see the bathroom door open. It’s only opened slightly and I can only see one end of the bathtub. I move closer to the door to push it open as slowly as possible, remaining cautious. It opens further, and I can see fingers resting on the edges of the tub. A little further and I can see a whole hand. My heart starts to sink. A little further, and I see blood.
I push the door full open and run inside. Karina is lying in the bathtub, having slit her wrists. She isn’t awake, and I panic, fearing the worst has happened. Why did she do this? My heart races as I try to wake her up, hoping she’s still alive. “Karina! Karina!” I shout, shaking her and tapping her cheek. Her face jolts to the side, indicating she’s still alive. She was wearing a red silk nightgown that went to her knees. Her makeup was done, but was running. It’s clear that she’d been crying for some time. I see the razor blade lying on the floor, covered in blood.
“Karina!” I yell once more, taking the blade and throwing it away. Her eyes open and she begins to mumble, but I can’t make out anything she’s saying. “Come on, we have to get you out of here,” I tell her. I lift her out of the tub, doing most of the work myself.
“Why did you save me?” Karina says, still not fully lucid yet. I help her step out of the tub and walk her to the sink.
“What? What are you talking about?” I say, not believing what she just uttered. I just blame it on the delirium. “Karina, what the hell were you thinking?” I question, washing her hands and wrists in the water. More blood begins to surface when she takes her hands out of the running water. I tell her to keep her hands under the water while I go find something to bandage her wrists with. I noticed that it didn’t look like she had cut herself too deep, so I think she’ll be alright.
But seriously, what the hell was she thinking? Was she so upset about last night that she went home and tried to kill herself? Is she trying to make me guilty for seeing Hannah? As I was thinking earlier about how this whole situation would turn out, I never expected something like this to happen. I hurry to find something to help her, eventually coming across some gauze pads and bandage tape. I run back into the bathroom to find Karina crying, hands still under the water. I turn off the water, grab a paper towel and dry her hands.
“Luke, I’m so sorry,” she cries.
“Everything’s going to be fine, Karina. You’re going to be alright,” I tell her. Once her hands are dry, I wrap the gauze around her wrist and wrap the tape around it. I do the same thing for her other wrist, as she continues to sniffle. Now that I’ve bandaged her up, she looks a lot better. I walk her to her bedroom and lie her down in her bed. She’s still very shaken up, so I pull the blanket over her.
“I love you so much, Luke. I’m so sorry. I’m so –,” she cries, before I cut her off.
“Shh. You don’t have to say anything. Don’t blame this on yourself.
” I give her time to calm down while I sit beside her. She keeps quiet, as I stroke her hair, trying to move past the ordeal. “Are you going to be okay if I leave?” I ask her.
