When she got up to close the door and turn on her CD player, it felt like knives stabbing her knees. This was the price she paid for over-exerting herself. She crawled back under the covers. Billy Joel’s fingers danced across the keyboard in the intro to “Piano Man”. The perfect song to listen to while resting in bed.
When the harmonica came in, she hummed along with it. In college at last call, the d.j. at one of the bars where she and Jake had hung out, would play this song. Everyone would put their arms around each other’s shoulders and they would sway and sing along. They would point to each other as the characters were named: the wanna-be novelist, the guy who hoped to be a movie star, and the poli-sci major who waited tables. In their youth, they’d all thought it was great fun, confident they’d be the ones to make it big.
Joely started to cry. A soft, nearly silent cry.
All of those people in the song were stuck.
And she knew she was stuck, too. For Anna’s entire life, Joely had been stuck. She’d turned down Dalton based on her role model status and yet what kind of an example was she really setting for her daughter? She didn’t want to someday tell Anna, “I could’ve been an artist”.
Joely heaved a big sigh and wiped her eyes with the sheet.
Seeing her silk robe hanging on the bedpost, she reached for it. She slid into the shimmering, lace-trimmed sleeves, imagining herself a Hollywood starlet. Jake had surprised her with the robe after one of those nights at the bar—even though there hadn’t been any special occasion.
It occurred to her that she’d given Dalton his clothes back, but for some reason, she’d never gotten rid of this reminder of Jake. Tying the belt around her waist, she smiled to herself.
Because of the lupus, she knew she couldn’t make it on her own. But she had a network of friends in Michigan. She’d just have to swallow her pride and be willing to ask for help when she needed it. Plus, Kate would probably come up on weekends just like she used to. And now it looked like maybe she could count on Jake, too.
Joely headed for the nearest phone, ready to ask for her first favor.
KATE
When Kate entered the living room, her breath caught in her throat. Lying on their stomachs, their chins propped up on their elbows, were Anna and Bobby. Anna was in a pink seersucker nightgown and Bobby was in Batman p.j.s. They didn’t even look up when she entered the room, their attention focused on “Dinosaur Train”.
Kate’s hand pressed against her chest. This is what it would be like to have children. Her eyes watered.
She went to the kitchen and started making waffles, just as she had always fantasized about doing for her family.
# # #
“Should a child go to his father’s funeral?” Kate asked Mitch as they stood in front of the bathroom mirror after breakfast.
He squeezed toothpaste onto his electric toothbrush. “Did you go to yours?”
She nodded. “But I was older. Bobby’s only two. I don’t know how much he understands. Death is an abstract concept at that age.” She opened a tiny drawer and pulled out her hairbrush.
“Maybe that’s for the best.” He pushed the “on” button and the toothbrush began to whir.
Kate ran the brush through her hair. She had studied grief counseling a bit in school. She knew about Kubler-Ross’ seven stages of grief, but she didn’t know about how a kid barely out of diapers would deal with it. When he was older, he’d cycle through anger, denial, acceptance etc. Now he’d probably pick up on everyone else’s sadness. He’d be more of a happy distraction for the adults than gain anything beneficial for himself.
She put down her hairbrush. “I won’t take him to the funeral.”
In the end, it didn’t matter. Evan didn’t have a funeral because he didn’t have any family to arrange one. The problem was if Evan didn’t have any family, then Bobby didn’t either.
LILY
Dear Dayna,
Mrs. H stopped by today. She acted hurt that I had moved out without telling her. I think she would’ve been hurt anyway since I decided I didn’t want her to keep you. I thought you and Butch and me could make some kind of a family—not like the fake happy ones you see on TV—but something kind of good. Now I’m not so sure. Butch complains when I ask him to watch you when I go to work at the library. And he got fired from the gas station for stealing cigarettes so I don’t know how we’re going to pay rent this month.
Mrs. H said I’m welcome back anytime. Sometimes I can’t get over how crazy nice she is. She always was, though, even when she was my counselor at Foxworth High. Other teachers eyed me like they thought I might pull a Columbine or something, but she talked to me, asked me what I was reading (always Stephen King) and she told me I was smart. I guess maybe she was right about that last part because she brought over my college acceptance letter. I can’t believe they let me in!
Anyway, I don’t think I’ll go. But I’m taping the acceptance letter here in my notebook so that you can see it. Maybe that will be Plan B.
Your mom,
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
KATE
“I have a confession to make,” Kate said to Mitch. She’d decided that secrets festered like a blister underneath the skin of a marriage.
He lowered his bushy eyebrows, looking concerned.
She patted the bed next to her. “Here, sit.” She watched as he came closer and took a seat. Inhaling what lingered of the morning’s Polo cologne, she hesitated. Maybe she shouldn’t mess with things. They were in such a fragile place.
She chewed on her bottom lip. “Joely and I were placed in foster care after Dad died—before they tracked down Aunt Suzy. The other kids were so mean. Seeing me stare lovingly at my parents’ wedding picture, one of the other foster kids ripped it up and laughed. And an older girl punched Joely in the arm every time she got the chance. She hit the same spot, too, so it would bruise.” Kate swallowed. “The worst part was the way one of the teenaged boys looked at us. Like he couldn’t wait to get us alone in the house.”
Mitch shook his head. “I wouldn’t wish that on anyone’s child.”
She stared at her folded hands. “Bobby has a mother out there somewhere and she could show up any day.”
“I hope she does.”
“Me, too. For Bobby’s sake.” Mitch always said she was too sensitive, too quick to immerse herself in other people’s problems, but she couldn’t help it. She took a deep breath. “But until then. . .”
“Do you want to see if we can keep him?”
She nodded, hoping he felt the same way. Neither of them had bonded with Bobby much. She’d only babysat him that one time. “I need to tell you something, though, before you agree to this.” She twisted the wedding ring on her finger. This scared her more than the possibility that she would never have a baby. The thought that Mitch might leave her. For some reason, she decided that she had to take the chance.
Mitch narrowed his eyes at her. “What is it?”
She pushed her tongue against the back of her teeth. How should she begin? “You know how Evan wrote that note asking me to help with Bobby? I think he did that because. . .he had a crush on me.”
“Oh. Is that all?” His shoulders relaxed.
Tempted to let it go, she looked at a chip in the wall’s buttermilk-colored paint. “No, that’s not all. I had a little crush on him, too—a long time ago. You had been traveling a lot on business and I think I started feeling a bit lonely. Anyway, nothing happened. Back then, I mean. But recently, Evan seemed obsessed with me. He thought I’d make the perfect wife and mother.”
Mitch pulled away from her. “Did you sleep with him?”
“No, no.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “But he did kiss me.” Her words spilled out faster. “It was when I was babysitting. I fell asleep on his couch, he just came in and kissed me. I left and I haven’t spoken to him since.” And now he was dead. Her friend was dead. And he’d left his son behind. She shuddered. This was all too much.
Mitch stood a
nd walked across the room. He turned around, his hands fisted, ready for a fight. “Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?”
Kate walked over to him, pleading. “I felt guilty, I guess. Plus I thought you were cheating on me. I didn’t want to make it easy for you to leave me. I love you.” She tried to hold his hand, but he didn’t grasp back. “I wanted you to know everything. In case we bring Bobby into our family. I want you to really be OK with it.”
“Did you kiss him back?”
She hadn’t, had she? “I don’t think so.”
Mitch shook his head and turned away.
At that pivotal moment the door swung open and Bobby ran in, carrying his green stuffed dragon. “Kay, when’s daddy coming back? I wanna go home.”
She and Mitch exchanged heartbroken looks.
# # #
Kate remembered the picture of the yacht behind the lawyer’s desk. The last time she’d been there, she’d been trying to keep a father away from his child. This time she wished to God the father would come back.
The plus-sized woman behind the desk wore a blue paisley blouse under her suit. She opened up a folder and placed it in front of her. “I checked around and Evan Holmes did not draw up a will or guardianship papers with any attorneys in town.”
Kate bounced Bobby on her knee. She hadn’t wanted to bring him, but she didn’t know whom to ask to baby-sit since Joely was busy packing. “I wish Evan had told me more about where his wife could be.” Kate had asked Bobby where his mom lived, but he just said, “Momma gone” and kept playing.
Mitch touched his fingertips together and stared at them. Kate knew he wasn’t excited about taking Bobby in, but he thought it was the right thing to do.
The lawyer showed emotion for the first time. “I wish as soon as people signed their baby’s birth certificate they named a guardian. Once you have a kid, it’s time to grow up and act responsibly.”
Kate sucked in her breath. She’d told Evan something like that the night she babysat. Unwilling to give up his freedom, had he killed himself? She couldn’t decide. It could’ve simply been an accident. Or maybe he felt that he wasn’t up to the task of fatherhood. She wrapped her arm around Bobby even tighter. How could anyone be so narcissistic as to turn his back on his own child?
The attorney twisted her pearl earring. “Do you know anything about Evan’s parents?”
Kate looked over at Mitch, glad that he’d come with her. He hadn’t, however, attended the tribute the school had arranged for Evan. “I’ve been told Evan never knew his dad and his mom was bipolar, unwilling to take medication. Apparently she’s homeless.” Kate had gleaned this information from the teacher whose classroom was next to Evan’s.
The lawyer shook her head. “That’s too bad.”
Full of nervous energy, Kate continued bouncing Bobby. She knew Evan was an only child, so Bobby didn’t have any aunts or uncles. Holding Bobby with one hand, she reached with the other for her purse. She pulled out the note Bobby had scribbled on that receipt. She handed it to the attorney. “Do you think based upon this, that we could be named Bobby’s guardians?”
The woman pressed the wrinkles out of the paper and read it. “I believe we could make a case for you to keep Bobby. Until his mother is found.”
Knowing that this decision would leave her open to heartbreak, Kate gnawed on her lip. Someday, maybe next week or next month or next year, Bobby’s mother could show up and take him away. She and Mitch would have devoted themselves to him, given him everything they would a child of their own, only to lose him.
She looked at Mitch who smiled, but not enough that the dimple popped into his left cheek.
Kate remembered her prayer begging God to give them a child. She thought she’d get pregnant, and when that didn’t happen, she thought she could help raise Dayna, but again she’d been wrong.
She looked at Bobby who wiped his nose with his sleeve. If she’d figured anything out in her forty years, it was that things rarely worked out the way you thought they would. You could choose to enjoy the surprises or rally against them. She was tired of fighting them.
Then she turned her eyes on Mitch. If he could do this for her, well. . .maybe she should reconsider what he wanted, too.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
JOELY
Joely dipped her brush into the blush-colored paint. She dabbed the pink on the rose climbing the pretend trellis. Long ago, Kate had requested Joely paint a garden on her bedroom wall. This was the least Joely could do for her.
Sitting Indian-style on her bedroom carpet, her sister pushed her honey-blond bangs to the side. “Please don’t go, Joely. Lily moved out, so you don’t have to worry about her anymore.”
Joely waved her hand dismissively. “It’s time. I need to do this. For me and for Anna.”
“I’ll miss seeing Anna grow up.” Kate wrung her hands like Mrs. Pilo used to do.
“We’ll miss you, too. You’ll have to come visit us every chance you get.”
Kate shook her head. “But the house will feel so empty without you and Anna here. We’re going to keep Bobby until we can find his mother, but . . .”
Joely cleaned off her brush then leaned back to study her work. “That’s really kind of you.”
“I hope they find his mother soon. He deserves that. But I really liked having a house full of children.”
Joely heard the disappointment in Kate’s voice. She wanted to offer her some hope. “What about you and Mitch trying another round of IVF?”
Kate sighed. “Mitch won’t hear of it. Statistically speaking, an egg donor would give us a better chance of success.” Her shoulders slumped.
Joely put down her art supplies and stepped gingerly off of the plastic sheet protecting the floor. She sat next to Kate on the carpet and placed her arm around her. “What’s wrong with that?”
Was she ready to articulate the fear burrowed deep inside? Kate took a deep breath. “I’m afraid. . .I’m afraid I won’t love the baby like I would one of my own.” She felt like a horrible person.
“You have a bigger heart than you give yourself credit for. I’ll admit I didn’t like Lily much. But you saw through her crusty shell. You cared for her and for Dayna more than their own family did. And you’ve been like a second mother to Anna. Thank you for that. You barely know Bobby, but because you cared for his father, you’ll care for him.”
Tears puddled in Kate’s eyes. “I just wanted my own baby.”
Joely squeezed Kate’s shoulder. “I know. I wish you could have that. Maybe you will someday.”
“And maybe I won’t. Maybe an egg donor is my only chance.”
Joely studied Kate’s face, wondering if her sister could deal with that. She hoped that Kate was finally ready to move on. “With an egg donor, you’ll be the one carrying the baby for nine months. There’s nothing at all like feeling your baby kick for the first time.”
“And like you said, because I love Mitch, I’ll love his child.”
“It will be your child, too. Just as much. Trust me.”
Kate placed her hand on her abdomen. “I could actually carry a baby inside of me. Wouldn’t that be amazing?”
Joely nodded. “Yes, it would.”
# # #
Joely strolled through the first floor of the house, stopping to study the Jackson Pollock painting hanging below the great room’s apex. If that’s original, she thought, it’s worth millions. No wonder the realtor hesitated when Jake asked if they could walk through the house alone. Joely yawned. “It’s nice.”
Jake came up beside her. “Nice? Does that mean you like it?”
She shrugged. “It’s your house. It’s fine.”
He curled his finger in a come-hither gesture. “I want to show you AJ’s room.”
Torn about Anna spending nights away from her, Joely gave herself a silent lecture. It was a good thing that Anna would have a room in her father’s new place. She was lucky to have two parents, two homes.
Jake turned and
headed away from her. She followed the trail of his musky-cedar cologne down the long hallway, resisting the urge to close her eyes and savor the scent.
When he stopped at the second doorway, Joely peeked in. The corner room was the color of ballet slippers. The previous owners obviously had a little girl, too.
She tried to think of something positive to say. “I like all of the natural light.” Although pink lacked originality. As soon as things slowed down at work, Joely intended to paint her place. In Anna’s room, she’d paint the solar system on blue walls in glow-in-the-dark colors so Anna could look at it as she fell asleep.
Jake nodded to the doorway across the hall. With its tray ceiling and spaciousness, it was clearly the master bedroom. Bronze walls with matching silk drapes surrounded the bay window.
Joely forced a smile. “You might want to paint the walls, but otherwise, I think you’ll be very happy here.”
Jake cleared his throat. “What about you?”
Her eyes darted to his face. “What do you mean?”
“I know it’s too soon now. But someday I hope this will be our room. Our house.”
She frowned at him.
CHAPTER FORTY
KATE
Kate squeezed Mitch’s hand as they studied the gray ultra-sound screen. She couldn’t tell if there even was a baby.
The technician, a woman as short as Kate, pointed toward the screen. Her finger identified the gray blobs as head, spine, hands and feet. “Everything looks healthy. Would you like to know the sex?”
Kate locked eyes with Mitch. They smiled at each other, the dimple denting his left cheek. They’d never made it this far before.
She dropped her gaze to Heather who lay on the table with her belly exposed, covered in clear goo. Unfortunately, after Kate had been implanted with Heather’s egg, she’d suffered yet another miscarriage. After mourning the loss, she decided it would be the last one. She was tired of grieving. Time to accept that her body wasn’t in its prime anymore. Time to accept that motherhood was much more than the first nine months.
What Happiness Looks Like (Promises) Page 24
