by Maya Blake
And when she woke with tears in her eyes, she determinedly brushed them away and prepared for the day ahead.
Making sure to take lengthy breaks and conducting her meetings from the office set up in the palace, she returned to her suite at five, conferring with her stylist over what to wear to the fundraiser before heading for the shower.
An hour later, dressed in a blood-red silk gown with criss-crossing shoulder straps, with a clutch and shoes to match, she slid into the back of the royal limo.
Her first hint that she wasn’t alone was the heart-wrenchingly familiar scent that hit her nostrils before she turned to find her husband lounging in the far corner.
‘Rahim!’ She couldn’t help but drink him in, her senses jumping to high alert as they absorbed the long-denied visual of her husband. His hair had grown at the back, almost covering his nape. His cheeks were shrunken and his body was a sleeker version of the man she’d married. But he was still impossibly handsome, so breathtakingly masculine, he aroused every cell in her body. ‘What... You came...’
‘As you said, I made a promise. Put your seat belt on, Allegra.’
She complied, fighting to breathe around the hot arrows shredding her heart. ‘And what makes this particular promise worth keeping and others not?’
In the semidarkness, his jaw clenched tight. ‘Perhaps this was a mistake.’
‘No! The mistake is you thinking that what you’re doing isn’t hurting this marriage. Or the people you claim to care about so much. Or do you think the work is done simply because you put a ring on my finger and a baby in my belly?’ Her voice rose, every miserable day she’d spent without him seeking redress.
‘Allegra, calm down...’
‘Don’t tell me to calm down! You asked me to bring my concerns to you. Well, you’re my concern. Your absence from our home, from our marriage bed, from our baby’s life, is my concern.’
His head went back, the streetlamps dotted along the highway throwing his features into intermittent light and dark. ‘I can’t be in your life, or the baby’s, while you’re pregnant. I can’t be around you. The risk to you both is too much.’
‘But that’s not all, is it? Please don’t insult my intelligence by denying that there isn’t more going on. You’ve shut me out completely, and you won’t tell me why. Did I do something?’ she pressed, willing to ditch her pride for a minute if that’s what it took.
Rahim shut his eyes in a pained grimace. ‘I can’t do this now, Allegra. But no, you didn’t do anything.’
‘And that’s all I’m going to get? The it’s not you, it’s me line?’
‘We’re here, so unless you want to take this outside, I suggest we shelve it.’
The Rolls glided to a perfect halt on the edge of the red carpet of the five-star hotel where the fundraiser was taking place. As patron and guest of honour, she and Rahim’s much desired presence was being televised.
Knowing she had less than ten seconds before the driver opened her door, she turned to her husband, and gave in to the urge to touch him. Placing her hand on his arm, he stalled his forward movement. ‘There are only so many things you can stick up on a shelf before the whole thing comes crashing down, Rahim. I want to make this work, but it won’t as long as you keep shutting me down.’
The door opened before she could insist on a reply. With no choice but to force a smile and face the six-deep paparazzi, Allegra slid into her role.
She was still smiling three hours later when the auction part of the evening ended, raising three times more than the charity had hoped for. When the string quartet struck up a waltz, she granted a dance to the prime minister of Dar-Aman’s neighbouring state.
Halfway through the song, she stiffened slightly as Rahim strode through the dance floor and stopped beside them.
‘I hope you don’t mind, but I need my wife back.’
‘Of course,’ the older man replied, smiling fondly at them before heading back to the table.
‘How well you seem to fool everyone,’ she muttered, willing herself not to lean into the body she’d missed more than she knew was healthy for her.
She felt a sigh move through him, then the whisper of air against her neck as he drew her closer. Despite her best efforts, both her heart and body leapt with foolish joy.
‘I know you think I’m staying away to make you suffer. But I’m not. I only have your best interest and that of our child at heart. You just have to trust me.’
‘It’s hard to do when you won’t talk to me, Rahim. Something happened in Geneva when you saw the first sonogram.’
‘I wasn’t expecting to be a father. Chalk it up to being overwhelmed.’
The song ended and she drew back more than a little forcefully from him, exasperation and anguish eating her alive. ‘Lie to yourself if you want, but don’t lie to me.’ She kept her voice low so she wouldn’t be overheard. ‘When you’re ready to let me in, I’ll be at our home. The one you insist on running away from.’
She turned and walked from the dance floor. The moment the end-of-evening speech was done, she gathered her clutch and wrap and headed for the door.
Rahim helped her into the car and slid in beside her. Neither of them spoke as they drove away from the hotel. She was so busy fighting the tears that she started when she noticed they’d pulled up at the royal private airport.
On the tarmac, Rahim’s private chopper slowly powered up. She told herself she wouldn’t look at him, or acknowledge his departure.
But she couldn’t help herself, especially when his gaze focused on her, compelled her to look at him. His eyes burned with almost demonic intensity, and when his gaze dropped to her mouth, it was all she could do not cry out and beg him to stay.
‘Take care of yourself and our baby, ya galbi. I’ll be in touch soon.’
Alighting with lithe grace, he turned to slam the door. She blocked it with a firm hand. ‘If you expect me to smile and say, “Yes, husband, go with my blessing,” you’re in for a nasty surprise. You don’t have my blessing to go, Rahim. All you’re doing is making me hate you more for what you’re doing to us. Is that what you want?’
A touch of his vibrant colour receded. His lips firmed but she was past caring. ‘I don’t need your permission to carry out my duty. Go home, Allegra. We will resolve this when I return.’ He turned and started to walk away.
She refused to con herself into not caring any more. The truth was that she cared. Far too much to stand this ravaging pain any longer.
Rahim didn’t love her.
Most times during the past weeks those four words had cut her in half. Other times she’d assured herself she was better off with a man who would disappear for weeks rather than face her and tell her he didn’t return her feelings. That her talk of fate and being where she was meant to be would never include him in any way but as the father of her baby.
Either of those states of being hadn’t stopped her from missing him all the time.
Which was why the thought of him walking away from her one more time shredded her heart. It was why she leapt out of the car and slammed the door shut.
He whirled around, his eyes widening. ‘What are you doing?’ he shouted over the loud thwopping of the chopper blades.
‘If you won’t stay and talk to me, then I’m coming with you,’ she yelled back.
He lunged forward the same time she quickened her steps. With the manufactured wind whipping at her evening gown, Allegra couldn’t gather it out of the way in time to keep her heel from catching in the hem.
She stumbled forward.
She managed to brace her fall with one hand, her palm scraping painfully along the tarmac before he snatched her up. ‘For God’s sake, are you insane?’
‘Yes. I’m off-my-head crazy, and it’s all your fault!’ she blurted before her voice fractured.
He swung her into his arms, his strides swift and urgent as he carried her back to the car.
‘Yes, I’m aware everything bad that has happened to us
is my fault, but that is no reason to put yourself and the baby in danger.’ His voice was a thin, desolate line that cut her to the heart.
She glanced up at him, and noticed he’d lost every trace of colour. His eyes when he looked down at her as he deposited her in the seat were bleak, black pools.
Heart wrenching at his obvious distress, she murmured, ‘I’m fine, Rahim.’
He slid in beside her and secured her seat belt. Without answering he pressed the intercom and issued terse instructions. As the limo rolled away from the chopper, he picked up her hand and gazed at the blood seeping from her cuts. ‘I beg to differ, Allegra,’ he drawled. Taking a handkerchief from his jacket, he pressed it against the small wounds. ‘Consider your point well made.’
She gasped. ‘You think I did this deliberately?’
He shrugged. ‘You wanted my attention. Now you have it.’
Allegra wanted to scream with despair. She wanted to close her eyes and absorb that deep, sexily exotic voice and fool herself into believing everything would be all right. Most of all, she wanted to weep with joy that Rahim was here with her, touching her, albeit under harrowing circumstances.
But, dammit, she’d wept far too much lately. And all the reasons revolved around him. She snatched her hand from his, ignoring the throbbing in her palm.
‘Think what you like. It’s obvious I’m fighting a losing battle.’ Desperate for him not to witness how much those words hurt she glanced out of the window, saw where the limo had stopped on the palace grounds. ‘Why are we at the clinic?’
‘You just suffered a fall. You don’t think it prudent to check that you and the baby are fine?’ His tone held the same bleakness that lingered in his eyes, laced with a vulnerability Allegra had never heard before.
Her heart cracked but she reminded herself that Rahim was doing this for the baby. Before she could answer, the door opened. Her doctors and nurses swarmed the car.
She was ushered inside the private clinic Rahim had had created for her. A nurse saw to her hand as the doctors consulted in hushed tones. Through it all, Rahim stayed aloof, his expression unreadable as she was prepared for her scan.
The realisation that she hadn’t got through to him shook hard through her. She knew in her bones that the moment the scan was over, he would leave. And she would once again become the broken, pathetic creature who craved him to live.
No.
No more.
She didn’t care what it took. She was taking back her power.
Strolling to the curtain where she would be changing into her gown shortly, she glanced casually over her shoulder. ‘So where will you be heading to this time once this is over? Vietnam or the wilds of Scotland?’
His eyes stayed on the monitor, his folded arms tensing as he shifted on his feet. Somewhere along the line, his bow tie had come free, along with his two top buttons. Allegra forced her gaze away from the strong column of his throat and concentrated on removing the evening gown.
‘The Port of Dar-Aman. Berthing contracts were sold to foreign entities. I’m in the process of buying them all back.’
‘And you need to do that three hundred miles from home?’
‘Yes.’ Simple. Succinct. Cutting.
She got the message. But she was getting angrier by the minute. With herself. With him, for her inability to stem the waves of pain that hurled relentlessly at her.
Taking deep, calming breaths, Allegra met his gaze over the screen, and asked the question she’d been holding to her breast like a precious talisman which might crumble to dust any minute.
‘Why didn’t you tell me your mother died in childbirth?’
Rahim jerked from the wall, his eyes full of warning as he glared at her. ‘Because it wasn’t a subject I felt should be shared with a pregnant woman.’
‘What about your wife?’
His lips pursed. ‘You seem to be spoiling for a fight, habibi.’
‘Since when is wanting to know a few basic facts about the man you’re married to spoiling for a fight?’
He sighed and dragged his hands down his face. ‘You know enough about my parents. Why is this further questioning necessary?’
‘Because we agreed to discuss things before we jump to conclusions, remember? Of course you’d have to actually be here for any discussion to happen.’
Tension tightened his body. ‘You have a palace and every luxury at your disposal. Surely you can’t feel that neglected?’
Anger and pain rearing up like two coiled snakes, she stalked to where he stood. ‘How about you stop second-guessing my feelings and have a frank discussion with me? Or is this something else you want to shelve?’
‘I won’t have a discussion with you about what happened to my mother. What would that achieve?’
Something inside her broke right then. ‘I can’t believe you’d ask me that,’ she whispered raggedly.
A flash of something close to pain tightened his features. Then he looked away.
She was staring at him, wondering what to say, when her team of doctors returned. The nurse sent to help her took over when Allegra’s hands shook too badly to don the clinic gown. On wooden legs, she returned to the ultrasound room and lay on the bed while the gel was spread over her stomach. Over her shoulder, Rahim’s tense presence bore down on her.
‘Since Her Highness was due to come in tomorrow anyway, we’ll make sure everything’s fine first, then take some measurements, Your Highness. It shouldn’t be too long.’
The process took less than ten minutes, but it felt like forever. ‘Everything’s fine with the baby, and with you too, Your Highness.’ The doctor smiled at her.
Allegra heard Rahim’s shaky exhalation and she swallowed the painful lump in her throat, unable to suppress the wish that his relief was for her too, and not just their baby.
Averting her gaze from him, she blinked back threatening tears as another doctor stepped forward. ‘I don’t believe you’ve seen a 3D image of the royal baby yet. Since you’re both here, we thought it would be the perfect time?’
Her breath caught, but before she could agree, Rahim rasped, ‘Will it hurt the baby or my wife?’
‘No, Your Highness. It’s not harmful.’
Rahim must have nodded, because the equipment was swiftly set up and Allegra positioned in place. She felt rather than saw Rahim step closer.
At the first picture of their son, he inhaled sharply. A second later, his hand gripped her shoulder. Her heart flipping up from where it’d fallen to her stomach, she reached up. He meshed his fingers with hers and they watched as the image was rotated to show their healthy, thriving baby.
‘He’s beautiful,’ Rahim murmured.
‘Yes,’ she agreed.
She looked up and his gaze connected with her, the emotion in his eyes naked and raw. They stared at each other until a throat cleared—the medical team was stepping outside.
Rahim’s withdrawal was swift and complete, like a sheet of bracing cold water thrown over her. The roar of pain filled her ears as she swung her legs over the side of the bed and watched Rahim heading for the door.
Allegra jumped up before she could talk herself out of it.
‘Don’t go. Rahim, please don’t go.’
He balled his fists and turned from the door. ‘What the hell do you want from me, Allegra?’
‘For starters, I’d like to feel like I’m not in this alone.’ She laced her fingers together, desperately fighting for the words to make him stay. ‘I told you my parents died. But I didn’t tell you how they died or what my life was like when they were alive.’
He remained silent, and she forced herself to continue.
‘My father was a chronic drug abuser and a mean drunk. He was constantly in and out of rehab. Each time he vowed to my mother it would be the last time, but he’d relapse within days, sometimes within hours. And they fought, all the time. Living with them was like living in a constant war zone.’
Rahim frowned. ‘You’re close to your g
randfather. Where was he when this was happening?’
She shrugged, the weight of her childhood drowning her. ‘He was around, and he did everything he could, but even at five I knew there was only so much anyone could do. I was six when I watched my mother get into my father’s car to stop him leaving after he’d been drinking. They were screaming at each other when he drove away. That was the last time I saw either of them alive.’
The teardrop that landed on her hand was the first indication that she was crying. Scrunching her features to stem the torrent, she jerked as Rahim loomed in front of her. He stared at her for several seconds, the hard look on his face not dissipating.
‘Why are you telling me this?’
‘I told you in Geneva I didn’t think I’d make a good mother. I still don’t. And you not being here terrifies me even more.’
His frown deepened. ‘But why does your childhood experience write you off as good parent material?’
Allegra reared back. ‘Are you serious? I have the DNA of a chronic drug addict and a highly strung mother who could barely take care of herself, let alone her seven kids, running through my veins. Not to mention my every attempt to hold my family together after they were gone ended in disaster. Dysfunctional doesn’t begin to describe my family both before and after my parents died. Everything I tried to do made things worse. And you think I should blithely waltz into parenthood?’
‘That’s exactly the point. You’re wealthy enough to follow in your parents’ decadent footsteps, and yet you haven’t. You chose a different path for yourself. And as for holding your family together, I’m sorry to break it to you, but six-year-olds can barely tie their shoelaces, let alone undertake the monumental task of holding a family together.’
Allegra blinked. She’d unveiled her sordid parentage and childhood to Rahim. And he’d barely blinked at the monumental fear that had ruled her life since she was six years old. She didn’t know whether to be hurt or thankful that he’d all but dismissed her fears as inconsequential. Had she blown her inability to help her siblings all out of proportion? Recalling her grandfather stating something similar, she closed her eyes and laid her hand over her belly. Had she really been unrealistic in thinking she was responsible for holding her family together at such a young age? And dared she believe that she could do a better job as a mother?
