Ira probably felt partly responsible that I had suffered the episode in Sinsca without him nearby. I wanted to ease his worries that I would be fine, but to do so I’d have to explain that my certainty derived from Lieutenant Dar’s potion.
I wasn’t ready for that.
“I see.” I then added. “But no. I’m not sure who the other person will be.”
“Why only three?” asked Damaris.
“Three wagons, three drivers. Going down to three wagons means we’ll probably be stacking supplies in the front seat as well as the back. We’ll barely have space for the drivers.”
“You can always take a couple extra mounts to ride beside the wagons,” said Reuma.
“Given all that happened at Sinsca, and those five riders you and Ira saw the other day, I’d like to keep as many horses at your disposal as possible. Especially since we already sent twenty-two off with Rufaro and Ayodele this morning.”
“I’m sure we can spare a couple of extra mounts,” said Damaris. “You’re so worried about everyone else, but what if raiders attack you?”
“We’ve had no indication of danger from the south. Even if we did run into trouble, two extra men won’t likely be enough to tip any scales in our favor, and we won’t be trying to outrun anyone with full wagons either.”
“Then what would you do?”
I saw her worry as she pressed, but there wasn’t much else I could say to ease it. If we ran into danger, I’d have only one real course of action. “Talk my way out of it.”
She scowled as Ira gave a snort. There was a slap under the table that caused him to jump.
Reuma gave him a dirty look. “It’s not funny. I’m going to be a mess while you’re gone.”
He put a hand on her arm, humor gone. “I know, but like Ty said, we’ll be fine.”
“So back to this third person,” prompted Damaris.
She didn’t appear to be less concerned, but I think she knew there was nothing more that could be said to change my mind.
“I’ll go,” said Zadok. “I know I wasn’t born here, but I learned a lot from Chadar and Galya about Batna when we traveled south. Also, several of the people Boaz hired on are natural citizens. I talk to them a lot. I’m not an expert on Batna, but I think I know far more than most. And you’ve said more than once that I speak the language well.”
“Why not me then?” asked Myra. With Zadok interjecting himself, she could no longer stay quiet. “I bet I’ve learned just as much and understand the language just as well.”
Zadok snorted. “You don’t speak it nearly as well as I do. More than one person has told me your accent needs a lot of work.”
Myra’s face flushed. “What? That’s not true!”
Reuma cleared her throat. “Actually, a few people helping on the towers have mentioned the same to me.”
Myra looked incredulous, raising her voice. “Why haven’t you told me that before?”
“In part because of how you’re reacting now,” said Reuma. “I love you to death, but you can get very defensive.”
Myra stared at Reuma, mouth gaping and face reddening.
Zadok diffused the situation by getting the conversation back on topic. “I’m also better with a horse since I’m around them all the time. And I’m more than strong enough to help load supplies.”
Both were true.
I gave him a once over. Working the stables and eating steady meals had filled out his young frame. He looked less a boy and more a man each day. There were even the beginnings of hair forming on his upper lip.
Still, I wanted to say no. Though I had just tried to reassure Damaris and Reuma of our safety, I didn’t necessarily think Zadok would be safer with us than if he remained in Kasala.
“And will Boaz allow it?”
“I already cleared it with him.”
“How? We’re only bringing this up now.”
“Because I knew the topic would come up and I wanted to be ready.”
Gods-be-damned. My kids could be too smart for their own good.
He continued. “He said that with the extra hands we brought on, work on the outside pens had progressed so well he could afford to spare me for a few days.”
So much for using that excuse. I thought about listing off a couple of other reasons, but then came to the realization that I hadn’t spent as much time with him lately as I would have liked. Given that I really wasn’t concerned about danger, I concluded it would be foolish of me not to take care of a great opportunity to remedy that.
“I guess that settles it,” I said. “We’ll leave tomorrow morning for Batna.”
* * *
After dinner, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. For some reason, I felt more tired than I had in weeks, but I couldn’t sleep yet. There was still work to be done. I ran over to Boaz’s and managed to catch him before he and his family went to bed. For one, I wanted to confirm that he had cleared Zadok to come along, which he had. And two, I let him know we’d need three wagons hitched and ready at dawn. While I took care of that, Zadok and Ira got the food and water we’d need for our journey.
I paused at the door as I reentered my home, surprised to find Damaris still there. She sat alone at the kitchen table. It startled me how she looked like she belonged even late at night.
“I didn’t expect to see you,” I said.
“Is that a problem?” she teased.
“No. Just thought you’d already be in your bed.”
She walked over. “I wanted to finish cleaning up. I’d have done it sooner, but I waited until Myra and Zadok were asleep.”
“They’re in bed already?”
She nodded. “Myra convinced Zadok to get to sleep early so that he wouldn’t be drowsy driving the wagon. I think she went to change clothes herself with the intention of coming right back downstairs. But when I went to check on her, she was splayed out on top her covers with most of her clothes still on. I covered her and closed the door.”
I hung my head. “They’ve had such a hard life. It’s not fair that they’ve had to work so much at their ages.” I gritted my teeth. “I need to do better by them. Maybe if I take some of that responsibility away and—”
“You can’t,” she cut in.
I looked up, blinking.
She continued, “I know you want the best for them, but don’t just start taking things away without asking them. Yes, they’ve had a hard life, but have they ever really complained about the work they’re doing?”
“Usually the opposite. They’d take on more if I let them.”
“Because they want to contribute. Work allows them to feel needed. They might be working hard, but they enjoy it.”
“You’re probably right. But I still have to think about what’s best for them. Regardless of if it makes them happy or not.”
“This isn’t stopping two kids from finding happiness in a bottle, or sneaking off to roll around in the grass with some lover.”
I grunted. “Thankfully. Though a small part of me almost wishes that was my concern.”
It would seem . . . normal? They sort of skipped that stage of growing up and went straight into adulthood. Especially Myra. Gods, the only time I ever had any inkling she was interested in a boy was with Evran.
Evran had died falling into a fissure after attempting to save men who, in hindsight, didn’t deserve the effort. Had his death hardened her from showing interest in anyone else?
“That’ll come when they’re ready. I know a few young women have taken a shine to Zadok. But being part of something larger and helping is what your kids care about.”
I smiled. “I couldn’t ask for two better kids if I tried. Lasha sure did wonders with them.”
“And so have you.” Damaris took my hand. “C’mon. I didn’t stick around only to clean up the kitchen.”
She led me to a side room. A few steps inside she released my grip and went over to an old chest where she pulled out a small package wrapped in mismatched cloth. Holding it close to her chest, she walked over and handed it to me. I noticed her biting the corner of her bottom lip.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Open it.”
I took the package and slowly pulled the string.
She commented, “Sorry about all the different scraps of cloth, but it was all I had.”
I unwrapped the cloth, pulling free a dark blue shirt. I held it up, seeing that the style matched those worn in Batna.
“There’s a new pair of black trousers in your dresser as well,” she added. “I kept those in the Turine style as that seemed far more comfortable than what people wear here.”
I furrowed my brow. “Why?”
She chuckled. “Because you need new clothes. I hinted at that way back on the first day we met, remember?”
I recalled my visit to the tailor shop Sivan had owned in Denu Creek. My purpose for visiting was to purchase new clothes for Zadok and Myra. Damaris had asked about mine as well.
“I remember.”
“I knew you’d need to speak with the council again one day so I decided to make sure that you’d look more like someone who belonged among them when that day came. I started weeks ago and worked on it in my spare time. I think the trousers and shirt will provide a good mix of keeping true to your past while also showing that you’ve embraced your new life.”
“You’re amazing,” I said without thinking.
“About time you realize that.” She grinned.
That grin. Something about that grin took hold of me.
“I’ve always known what I think. I just haven’t said it.”
I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her. We stared into each other’s eyes then slowly I lowered my mouth to hers. The touch of her lips to mine sent a flow of warmth coursing through my body.
She pulled me tighter against her, awakening a passion in me I hadn’t felt since I made love to Lasha the night I left for the army.
Memories of that night pushed its way to the front of my mind.
Lasha and I had chosen not to sleep, neither wanting to surrender a moment of wakefulness with the other. We took our time kissing, touching, exploring, and memorizing every inch of each other’s body as if we knew we’d never experience it again. I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt such a contrast of happiness and sorrow before or since.
Still caught in the throes of our embrace, Damaris’s hands slid down my back as she let out the tiniest of moans.
My body reacted to her touch.
But despite that, I couldn’t do it.
I had always battled feeling like I was betraying Lasha’s memory when I thought about Damaris. After the kiss . . . I felt like I was betraying Damaris, too. She deserved someone better than me. Someone who wasn’t so broken from war. Someone who could move on from his past. Someone who wouldn’t compare her to a ghost.
I took her hands gently into mine and pulled away. Her eyes opened as our lips parted.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I can’t do it.”
She frowned. “Lasha.”
There was no bitterness in her saying my wife’s name, but the disappointment in realizing that still stood between us was strong.
“I’m sorry. You deserve better than me. I—”
“Maybe you’re right,” she said, cutting me off.
I jumped as if stung. It was a response I hadn’t expected.
She continued. “But I love you all the same. I love you in spite of all your scars, both physical,” she said, gesturing to my missing ear, “or those far deeper.” She squeezed my hands. “And I know that you love me.”
I wanted to say she was wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie about that. So I said nothing.
“Your life has been difficult enough already,” she whispered. “Stop trying to make it harder by denying yourself something you so obviously want.”
“I can’t,” I said again low.
“Why?”
“I just told you.”
“You told me part of it. But there’s something else, something other than just Lasha’s memory that’s holding you back. What is it?”
Her words cut me, not because they meant to, but because they made me reexamine myself. Lasha was the root of my problem, but as she said there was more at play.
I gathered my thoughts as she moved closer, patiently waiting my response. That closeness, that genuine concern, made me finally understand what else held me back. Even more than guilt or obligation to Lasha, it was fear. I didn’t want to feel the pain of losing someone so close to me again.
But I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that. I worried that if I admitted one weakness, the others would come spilling out.
My heart beat faster as my fear grew stronger. It wasn’t exactly the same as my recollections of the war, but the similarities were unbelievable. I reached for the water skin on my shoulder, but realized it wasn’t there. It sat empty in the kitchen. With my next intake of breath, I felt the vial in my shirt rub against my skin. I needed to mix more.
I cleared my throat. “It’s getting late, and I have to get up early. You should probably go.”
She released my grip, lips pressed tight in a thin line. She gave a slight shake of her head, annoyed and saddened. “I guess I should.” She paused as if lost in thought. Then the set in her jaw changed, and a hardness developed in her eyes. “Goodbye, Tyrus.”
I stood still as she gathered her things, afraid that doing more might worsen the fraying of my nerves. My inaction probably did little to help the situation.
She left, not even glancing back before closing the door.
As soon as the door shut, I rushed to the kitchen while fishing the vial from my shirt. My water skin hung on a peg. Damaris had already filled it for me, which stung all the more. It was another kind gesture without any need for recognition.
Hastily, I undid the cap on the vial while feeling myself teeter on the edge of despair. Exact measurements were not a high priority in that moment. I eyeballed the amount of concentrated liquid I poured into the water skin, then gave it a shake to mix. After a long drink, I stopped the skin and placed both hands on the counter to support myself.
While waiting, I smacked my lips, noticing how much stronger the mixture tasted than usual.
“Maybe it will work all the sooner.” I hoped.
And it did.
My heartbeat slowed and my mind no longer floated on the edge of places I didn’t want to go.
Pushing myself from the counter with a sigh, I grabbed the water skin to take upstairs. Molak-be-damned, but I wouldn’t be caught in the night unprepared.
* * *
Zadok, Ira, and I left on time. Given the hour, not many saw us off. Those who did were the ones that mattered most.
Except Damaris.
Her absence was glaring. Everyone noticed it, though none spoke openly to me about it. I did catch a couple of glances my way after Reuma said she had seen a light on at Damaris’s tailor shop. Reuma hadn’t stopped in because she thought Damaris would be close behind.
I wondered if Damaris had ever gone to sleep. I also wondered if her goodbye last night was meant to be forever.
Maybe that was for the best. It would save us both a world of pain.
I took a swig out of my water skin.
CHAPTER 37
After a morning filled with light, intermittent rain, and strong gusts of wind, a dark sky hung overhead when the sight of Batna’s high walls greeted us.
We rolled over the muddy road leading to the city, wheels sloshing through deep ruts as the hooves of our mounts popped with each step. Though the rain would be good for crops, it w
as hard to think positively when miserably wet. A bath was something I eagerly looked forward to. I’d still be wet, but I’d be a clean wet and not smell like moldy hay.
There was no other traffic entering or exiting Batna. We were apparently the only fools willing to brave the weather. To emphasize our situation, the sky opened up less than fifty yards from the main gate. No longer a drizzle, we were soaked through again in moments.
“Figures,” I muttered. “Couldn’t wait a bit longer.”
Four guards appeared at the city entrance. Their annoyance was plain in their stance long before I saw it on their faces. They wore cloaks to protect from the worst of the weather. Even though they waited until we were practically right on top of them to leave the cover of the gatehouse, there was no escaping the gusts of wind and rain.
“State your name and business,” yelled one of the guards over the pelting drops of water.
“Tyrus. Mayor of Kasala. I’m here to seek audience with the council and also trade for supplies.”
“Mayor?”
I winced at the way he said the title, almost as if the word tasted funny on his tongue. To be honest, I still hadn’t grown entirely used to it myself.
“Yes. As elected by the town’s residents.”
The guard grunted and exchanged looks with the three others. They whispered something low that I couldn’t hear. One of the four kept a close eye on us as they conversed. Their behavior left me so uneasy that I glanced over my shoulder to Ira. One of his hands was off the reins not far from the dagger at his belt. He caught my glance and raised an eyebrow in question. I shook my head, but was glad to see him ready.
I tried to think what could have spawned the guards’ reaction. Perhaps word had reached them of Sinsca sooner than I had expected. If so, I hoped they wouldn’t arrest me before allowing me to explain my side of the confrontation.
The first guard finally responded. “You may enter, but announce yourself to the council immediately.”
They stepped back into the gatehouse without another word, clearing our path into the city. Ira followed me with Zadok at the rear.
Forever Soldiers: The Tyrus Chronicle - Book Four Page 31
