by J. Nathan
“The only thing I want to know is when I’m getting my jersey back.”
Ouch. “It’s at my house. Come by any time.”
She scoffed. “I was shown the door. No need to revisit that stellar moment.”
The pit in my stomach grew exponentially. I’d done this. I’d pushed her away. And as much as I blamed her for being dishonest with me, this ending badly was all me. “I was hurt.”
“Funny.” The chill in her voice was such a contrast to the Finlay I knew. “I felt nothing.”
“That’s enough,” a deep voice demanded.
Our eyes shot to Coach Burns who stood in the doorway of his office. “Goodbye, Finlay,” he said.
She spun away and walked out, not giving either of us a second glance.
Coach’s eyes shot to mine, narrowed and pissed. “In my office.”
I dragged myself into his office. He slammed the door behind me and sat down at his desk. A wall filled with team pictures of the fifteen teams he’d coached sat behind him. “Sit.”
I dropped into the chair opposite him.
“What the fuck was that?”
“What?”
“Don’t fuck with me, Brooks. What the hell is going on with you and Finlay?”
I shrugged.
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“Didn’t think you cared about my sex life.”
His eyes darkened and a low growl formed in the back of his throat. Oh, fuck. I gripped the armrests, braced for him to lunge across the desk and put me through the wall. “Come again?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. Nothing’s going on with me and Finlay.”
His eyes stayed on mine for an alarmingly long time. “That’s not what it looked like out there.”
“Yeah, well. Looks can be deceiving.”
He scrubbed both hands down his face, clearly annoyed to be having this conversation with me. “I warned you to take it easy on her. Isn’t it obvious she’s had it tough since losing Cole?”
I stared at him. “You knew they dated?”
His face scrunched until his eyes had almost disappeared. “Dated?”
I nodded.
Abruptly, he spun in his chair, reached up, and pulled a team picture off the wall. It was the picture from my freshmen year. Coach handed it to me. “Look at him.”
I didn’t reach for the picture. “I remember what he looked like.”
He pushed the picture forward. “I said look at the damn picture.”
I begrudgingly took it, bringing it closer to my face. My eyes scanned the team. Though it had only been two years, those who still played looked so much younger.
“Look at Cole,” he ordered.
I reluctantly dragged my eyes down to where he knelt right beside me. His big smile was so telling. All he’d ever wanted to do was play for Alabama. And there he was. So anxious for our first game. But that game never came for him.
“Notice anything?”
I glanced up at Coach. Impatience brimmed in his eyes. “What?”
“Look closely.”
“Coach. You’re not making any sense.”
That’s when it hit me. Same dark hair. Same green eyes. Same freckles dusting his nose.
Holy shit.
I looked up at Coach with what could only be described as horror on my face.
His only reply was a nod.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Caden
“Finlay. Please open the door,” I said, pounding on her door.
Two girls passed by, staring at me like I was a lunatic.
Who could blame them? I pretty much looked like one. But I wasn’t used to feeling like I screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me. I pounded again, this time harder. The dull sound echoed down the hallway. “Come on, Finlay. Talk to me.”
“She’s not in there.” Finlay’s roommate walked toward me.
My shoulders dropped in defeat. I needed to make it right. I needed to see her to make it right.
“I take it you finally realized you were being an asshole?” she said, as if she could give two shits about who I was.
“Excuse me?”
“You’re an asshole. I’m guessing you finally figured that out.”
My eyes narrowed as she brushed by me and unlocked the door to their room.
I didn’t budge as she stepped inside. My eyes swept over the super clean room I’d never gotten the chance to see. The cork board filled with the pictures of Cole and Finlay was there for anyone to see. She had nothing to hide. It was me who hadn’t realized that. “Do you know where she is?”
She turned to face me still standing in the doorway, her arms folded across her chest. “Even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you.”
“I deserve that.”
“Yup. You do.”
“So, what’ll it take?”
Her eyes lifted to the ceiling, taking her time and milking my desperation for all she could. “Why?”
My forehead scrunched. “Why what?”
“Why are you here now? What’s changed?”
I took a deep breath and walked inside. I could tell by her fierce attitude, the one that probably gave lots of guys a run for their money, that it was gonna take some time to convince her.
* * *
I jogged down to the stadium an hour later. The sun had already set as I knocked on the locked door. Arnie, the night security guard, was good at looking the other way when me and some of the other guys wanted access to the field after hours. I heard the door unlocking before it cracked open and Arnie peeked out.
“She here?” I asked, winded from my run from her dorm.
He nodded.
I made it down to the sideline, out of breath and nervous as hell. I stopped. My eyes shot around, sweeping slowly over the field shrouded in darkness. A shadow in the center of the field caught my eye. I squinted until my eyes adjusted and all I could see was her silhouette.
With my nerves in my throat choking me with regret, I stepped out onto the grass. Finlay’s perfect image came into focus the closer I got. She lay on her back staring up at the sky. “This spot taken?” I asked lamely as I stopped beside her.
She didn’t look at me. “It’s your field.”
Even though I knew I deserved it, her cold tone still slayed me. I sat down beside her, keeping my distance so she didn’t surprise me with a right hook. “I was an idiot.”
She said nothing.
“I should have talked to you before jumping to conclusions.”
I hated her silence, but I’d use it to my benefit.
“I guess that’s something else we have in common. People jumping to conclusions about us,” I said. “But the difference is you didn’t when it came to me. You asked about the draft. You didn’t just assume you knew what I’d do. I should’ve done the same for you. I should’ve heard you out.” I looked to her, but her eyes remained on the sky. “I know Cole was your brother.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Like hell it doesn’t.” I watched as she closed her eyes. “I’m sure you had your reasons for not telling me, Finlay. But I wish you had.”
A humorless laugh broke through her lips. “You mean when you were kicking me out of your house? Should I have unloaded everything on you right then and there? I don’t think so.”
“I screwed up. And I’m sorry.”
She scoffed.
“If I could take it all back, I would. I don’t want to be the guy who hurts you, Finlay. I want to be the one who lifts you up. The one you want when you’re sad and need comfort. The one you want when you’re happy and need to share it with someone. I don’t want to be the one who makes you sad. It’s the last thing I want to do.”
“Well, you did a pretty good job of it, didn’t you?”
I deserved that. I guess I deserved a hell of a lot more than just that. So I gave her time, waiting for her to say what she’d been stewing over the entire time I’d been sitting there. Hell, since I’d pushed her away.
“I thought you knew me,” she said after a long pause. “But then you went and completely blew it. And for what? What did you think I was trying to do?”
I shook my head. “You didn’t even tell me your real last name.”
“You never asked for my last name. Grace is my middle name.”
“Come on, Finlay. Can’t you see why I felt blind-sided? Can’t you see why I was confused by everything I found out. I had no idea how to make sense of it all. In the end it all came down to me feeling like you weren’t being real with me.”
She sat up, suddenly determined to look me in the eyes. “When? When I was beside you in your hospital bed? When I drove you all the way back here from Arkansas? When I slept with you?”
I dragged my fingers through my hair, realizing I was making everything worse and I didn’t know how to salvage it. “I fucked up. But I told you. Girls do some messed up shit to get close to me. They see dollar signs when they look in my eyes. They see the notoriety of being with the starting quarterback. I just never know who to trust.”
“Well, that’s too bad. Because I saw none of that when I looked into your eyes. I just saw you.”
Well, fuck me.
A distant siren pierced the silence as we stared at each other. What could I possibly say? Because I believed her. I’d always believed her. I had no reason not to. Until Leslie got into my head, making me question every damn thing. I should’ve gone with my own feelings. I should’ve gone with what I knew to be the truth. I was such an idiot.
After more silence passed between us, Finlay sucked in a deep breath and avoided my gaze. “For the last two years, I could barely get out of bed.”
My gut clenched. I hated myself. I didn’t deserve Finlay. And she didn’t deserve the pain she’d been through. Or the pain I’d caused her.
“The only reason I’m here is because Coach came to my house and practically forced me to work for him. It was the only way to start picking up the pieces of my life. Come here and do what Cole never got the chance to do.”
I was an asshole. A complete fucking asshole. “Finlay, I—”
“Then I see you. You. A guy I hated more than anyone.”
My face scrunched. “What?”
“I remember you from Cole’s wake.”
“You do?” I didn’t mean to sound so hopeful. But I did. It was strange she remembered me because I only remembered the blonde with bloodshot green eyes. All the sadness and heartache in them haunted me. They certainly weren’t the same eyes I saw when I looked at Finlay. Her eyes held something else. Determination. Purpose. Something that made it impossible to connect her to that girl at the wake. “You barely even looked at me.”
“I saw you outside. You were smiling.” Her voice cracked with emotion. “How could you smile?”
It was as if I’d been sucker-punched by her words. By her accusation. “What?”
The moonlight reflected off the tears pooling in her eyes. “When you walked away from the funeral home, someone patted you on the shoulder and you laughed and bumped his fist.”
I blinked hard, my mind reeling back to that awful day. “Is that what you think?”
“I think you were happy you were getting your big break. With Cole out of the way, you were the starting quarterback.”
My fists clenched the grass at my sides, shredding it to bits. “Are you fucking kidding me? If I didn’t like you so much, I would seriously hate you right now,” I growled.
“Tell me I’m wrong,” she challenged, her shoulders pulling back in defiance.
I grabbed them more roughly than I should have, shaking her as I leveled her with my eyes. “You couldn’t be more wrong.”
“Prove it.”
I couldn’t get the words out fast enough. “Cole was my first friend here. He and I spent every day together that first month. He was an awesome guy. Funny. Athletic. Cocky. He was someone I just wanted to be around.”
She closed her eyes and shook her head, like she couldn’t bear to hear it.
“When he died, it destroyed me. I know we didn’t know each other long, but we bonded. Just like you and me.”
Even with her eyes closed, I could see the pain on her face. “Were you here…when it happened?”
A chill ran through me, wishing that day could forever be erased from my memory. “I was.”
Her eyes opened as tears trailed down her cheeks. “Was he…in pain?”
I shook my head, finding the words difficult to conjure with her eyes on me and her bottom lip quivering. “No. It happened fast.” My voice cracked with emotion. “I was with him, Finlay. He wasn’t alone.”
She nodded, but I knew that wasn’t enough to comfort her or give her the closure she clearly needed.
“He talked about you all the time. Told me lots of old stories about the two of you and all the trouble you got into.”
A sad smile touched her lips, fading just as quickly. “Did he tell you what an awful sister I turned out to be?”
I paused, knowing enough to tread lightly. “He just said the two of you hadn’t spoken, like really spoken, in a long time.”
Tears continued to trail down her cheeks. “I was so sick of living in his shadow.” Her voice came out so small, so ashamed. “So I pushed him away.”
I hurt for her, and for the regret she must’ve felt every day for leaving things unresolved with Cole. “I knew it had to be something like that. Especially since he smiled every time he talked about you.”
“He did?” she asked through her tears.
I nodded. “I told him to email you. You know, let you know what he was feeling. But he was old school and wrote you the letter instead.”
She could hardly speak. “What letter?”
My head retracted. “You didn’t read it?”
She shook her head. “I didn’t know.”
I closed my eyes, mentally berating myself for wussing out that day. “It’s why I was smiling. I planned on handing it to you at the wake, but there were so many people and you were in so much pain. I knew it wasn’t the right time. But I saw you stuff a tissue into a pocket in your dress. So when Coach hugged you, I slipped it into your pocket.”
“You did?”
I nodded. “I figured you’d find it when you were alone. Forester only congratulated me outside because he knew I’d gotten you Cole’s letter.”
Her eyes were wild, the thought of an unread letter from her dead brother stunning her silent. But did she still have the dress? I watched as she racked her brain, likely considering the same question.
“Do you still have the dress?”
She nodded as she pushed herself to her knees, ready to stand. “I’ve gotta get home. I’ve gotta read it.”
“Finlay, it’s late.”
She stopped, her shoulders dropping before she sank back down onto the grass, clearly realizing she didn’t have a car and couldn’t get it right then. I hated that I didn’t have the letter to give to her. She deserved to have it. She deserved to find closure.
“That’s why you were always so hot and cold with me,” I said, realization hitting me for the first time. “You thought I was happy Cole was gone.”
Her lips twisted regrettably. “I wanted you to be this awful guy. I wanted to hate you, but then you kept giving me reasons not to…at least until a few weeks ago.”
“I’m so sorry.” The words were completely inadequate, especially given the apology I owed her.
“I’ve spent a lot of time hating you.”
I lifted my thumbs to her cheeks to wipe away her tears, but she pulled back, wiping her own cheeks. “I’m sorry I keep giving you reason to. Cole was an awesome guy. You two are so much alike.”
She scoffed through her tears.
“I’m serious. I don’t know how I didn’t make the connection. Both of you know your Alabama trivia. You’re both smart asses. Even your looks are so similar.” She said nothing, which not only sucked, but also made me wonder if I’d pissed her off more. Al
l I knew was I couldn’t bear the thought of her hating me any longer. “Forgive me. Give me another chance. Give us another chance.”
She paused for a long time, her eyes following her hand as it brushed over the grass at her side. “Is that a challenge or a question?” she asked humorlessly.
“It’s me telling you I screwed up. It’s me saying you’re the best thing that’s come into my life in a long damn time. It’s me admitting I was wrong.” I watched as she considered my words and what they meant for us. Unfortunately, she looked unconvinced. “What do you say, Finlay?”
“I’m gonna need time.”
“Okay. How much?”
She shrugged.
I wished she hadn’t. I wanted her to look past it. I wanted her to forgive me right there and then. But I didn’t want to risk everything by pushing her to decide. Especially now that I knew how much time she’d spent hating me. I stood up and held my hand out for her. “Come on. Let me walk you home.”
She didn’t grab my hand as she stood. I wouldn’t lie. It hurt. But then again, it wouldn’t have been my stubborn girl if she’d grabbed it.
As we made the short walk up the dark path from the stadium to her dorm in silence, I racked my brain for something to talk about—something to break the uncomfortable silence that had descended. But in the end, I only risked reminding her why she shouldn’t forgive me if I said anything.
At the entrance to her dorm, she scanned her key card and pulled open the door. “See you at practice,” she said, her eyes cutting over her shoulder for a brief moment before she walked inside.
She was breaking my heart by walking away from me. By not forgiving me. I knew I screwed up and didn’t deserve her forgiveness, but it still sucked. The door behind her began to close slowly. I jammed my foot in, stopping it and pulling it back open. “Let me drive you home tomorrow.”
Finlay spun around. “What?”
“I want to be there when you read the letter.”
She stared at me, her eyes searching my face. “Why?”
“Because, I want to be there for you.”
She gnawed on her bottom lip for a long time, her eyes studying the pattern on the tile floor. “I don’t know.”
I walked to her, grabbing her hands and rubbing my thumbs over the tops of them. She didn’t pull them away, which gave me a sliver of hope. “Let me do whatever it takes to make this right.”
