I shook my head. “You know I don’t mind. You’ve been a huge help around here.”
“Things seem to be better for you, too.”
“I feel better.”
“Have you heard from Ryan? No one’s heard from him since he joined that special thing.”
My mouth turned to the side. Most of the time I tried not to think of Ryan, the sand, or the bullets flying every where while he carried his his pipe bomb backpack.
“No,” I said.
Beth nodded. The desk phone rang and she stood, pushing Line One and answering without hesitation. “Nina Grey’s office…no, that file is in the…oh Lord, Sasha, I’ll just come find it for you. How long have you worked here?”
Beth hung up the phone, and I smiled. “Don’t let her take advantage of you. Do you want me to say something?”
“No. I do plenty of that,” Beth said, winking.
“I’m heading home. Will you lock up for me?” I asked.
“I always do,” she said, waving behind her.
Jared stood beside his SUV with a smile, waiting with arms wide. He had let me fall asleep in his arms the last few weeks and then left sometime after. Jack and Gabe stayed out of my head, and I slept through the night, never realizing Jared was gone. He was getting so good at pinpointing when I would rouse he usually slid next to me just before I awoke. Once again, life was semi-normal.
His hand slid over mind as it rested on the console of the Escalade. “Something came for you today.”
“A letter?” I asked, nervous.
Jared let go of my hand, pulling an envelope from his jacket pocket. Ryan had finally written again.
Nigh,
I still think about you every day. Sometimes whether I want to or not. Things have been pretty busy. The new company I’m in is a whole new breed of soldiers. I like it, but I miss you. When I get a chance, I sit and watch the sunset, and think about our game, and the pub, and your stupid temper tantrums. I miss it all. Tell everyone I said hi.
Ryan
I folded the paper back to its original shape.
“Do I have to remind you that this isn’t your fault?” Jared asked.
Ryan’s sudden departure was too much of a coincidence to believe that it wasn’t my fault, but Jared, Kim, and Beth all assured me quite regularly that his reasons were purely financial.
He didn’t write again after that, and I relied on Jared’s intermittent phone calls from Claire to hear of his whereabouts, and that he was okay.
Claire still had to pull a multitude of strings to keep a close eye on Ryan. She called home frequently to complain of Ryan’s lack of self-preservation, which helped to get him accepted so quickly into the Special Forces in the first place. Claire’s phone calls were reason to fear; for Ryan and for her. I chewed my thumbnail each time Jared answered the phone, waiting for him to assure me that Ryan’s commando behavior hadn’t gotten him killed.
As our small, but close group of friends waved goodbye on the last day of our sophomore year at Brown, Ryan came to the forefront of my mind.
“He should be here,” I said to Beth.
She held my arm as we walked to the parking lot. “I know.”
“No, he’s in the middle of nowhere, prone on a sand dune, trying not to get shot so he didn’t have to watch me be with Jared. It’s not fair. He should be here with us.”
Josh and Tucker were heading to their dorm to pack and head home, and Kim walked with them, punching Josh in the arm. The opening of Summer Break was bittersweet, and we all knew why.
Beth walked me to the Escalade, and after a warm embrace, left me to find Chad. They would all meet at the Pub that night to celebrate, and I would stay at home. It didn’t feel right to have fun when Ryan was fighting for his life.
Jared was unhappy with my mood. He didn’t ask what it was, but I assumed he knew. I didn’t enjoy talking to him about Ryan. It was unfair to him, and didn’t make me feel any better, so I didn’t see a point.
The loft was immaculate, and the summer sun lit the beige walls, making every corner of the room glow. It had been nearly a year since Shax had been in our living room, since Jared threw the book at him that Gabe so desperately wanted us to have. It had been almost a year since I was shot. I rubbed my thigh where the scar still remained.
Jared flipped through the mail at the kitchen table. “What do you want for dinner, Sweetheart?”
“It just doesn’t seem to get better,” I said, shaking my head. “We can redecorate, and fill the bullet holes in the walls, and pretend life is normal…but you’re gone every night, and we aren’t any closer to getting the book, and Ryan is gone. It’s been a year and it doesn’t feel like it’s gotten better. We’re stuck.”
Jared raised an eyebrow. “Bad day?”
I sat on the arm of the couch. “He’s going to get killed. Every day that he’s out there, Claire is in danger. We should bring him home.”
“You’re suggesting that we go to the Middle East and abscond with a member of the Special Forces?”
I puffed. “It’s not right that he’s not here.”
“You’re just letting the guilt eat you alive. You have to let it go, Nina. You have to let him go.”
“I know what you’re thinking,” I said. “This isn’t about me having feelings for him. Maybe it is about guilt, but I can’t stand it anymore…how Josh and Tucker and everyone else look at me. That’s why I don’t hang out with them, anymore. That’s why I don’t go to study group. I have been sleeping through the night for months, and I can’t go back. The looks on their faces — they blame me.”
“You blame you,” Jared said. “I have an idea,” he said, pulling his cell phone from his pocket. He dialed numbers, and then held the receiver to his ear.
After several moments, a grin touched his mouth. “Claire. How is everything? I see. I have someone here that would like to speak to you. You got a minute?”
Jared handed me the phone. “Hello?” I said, unsure of her reaction.
“It is hot as hell here,” Claire snapped. “I have sand in places no woman should experience. It’s in my hair, my eyes, the seat of my Jeep. There’s no getting rid of it, even when I get the occasional shower. And my hair looks like crap. So…how are things?”
I managed a quiet laugh. “I miss you.”
“I miss you, too,” she sighed. “Don’t worry, Nina. I’m taking care of him. He’s a cowboy, and likes to pretend he’s invincible, but despite his best efforts, I’m keeping him alive.”
“Thank you.”
I could hear the wind whipping against the phone, and she spoke loudly to compensate. I imagined her standing alone in a sea of sand, big sunglasses, and light camouflage clothes blending in with her platinum hair.
“Ryan doesn’t want you to feel guilty. He wants you to be happy. He’s just trying to get on with his life. He’s happy with his choice. Be happy with yours.”
“Of course I am. I just…everything feels wrong here. I feel lost.”
Claire laughed. “Try driving around with identical sand dunes as your guide…then you can talk to me about feeling lost. It’s a good thing I’m fluent in Farsi, or I wouldn’t be able to keep up with him. How’s Jared?”
I peeked up at him, his blue-grey eyes comforted that his idea had worked. “He’s Jared. He’s good.”
“I need you to take care of him for me, okay? I’m kicking ass over here, so you can rest easy. Just concentrate on school, and work, and being happy, and I’ll get the cowboy home safe. Deal?”
Relief washed over me. “Deal. See you soon?”
“As soon as I can. Gotta go, they’re moving,” she said. The phone silenced, and I handed it to Jared.
“He’s okay,” I said.
Jared nodded. “Feel better?”
“A little. Thank you.”
Jared took a step toward me and enveloped me in his arms, touching his forehead to mine. “I would do anything, go anywhere, suffer anything to make you happy. You know that, rig
ht? That’s all I want.”
I lifted my chin to kiss his lips. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“You’re exhausted. I’m going to run you a bath, and you can soak until your hands get all pruny, and I’ll have dinner waiting for you when you get out. Then we can turn in early.”
I buried my face into his warm chest. “Sounds perfect.”
Chapter Five
Landstuhl
The first day of Summer Break, I took the day off from Titan, and Jared and I went to our Oak Tree. I lazily traced the details of the carving of our names, and let the sweet, summer air sweep over my skin. Lunch was served on the blanket he had given me as a graduation gift — before I knew him — and we playfully wrestled and chased each other barefoot in the grass.
Jared was working overtime to prove to me that our lives could be as normal as anyone else. Even with the bad dreams keeping us apart at night, he had figured out how to get around them and made it seem that nothing was different.
The air smelled of fresh grass and sunshine, and coupled with Jared’s scent, it felt a little like Heaven. Summer soaked into my every pore, and I could see that Jared was enjoying my mood. He sat next to me, waiting for me to catch my breath from chasing him.
“Having a better day?” he asked, running his finger lightly across my wrist.
“Exponentially,” I said, digging my toes into the grass. “I feel like I did at Little Corn.”
“Speaking of that…have you given any more thought to returning to that perfect little chapel we came across there?” Jared said the words casually, but he was fidgeting with the hem of his jeans.
“Wedding date,” I said, nodding. I should have seen the topic coming. Jared never broached anything important lightly, and always insisted on the perfect back drop. “Does Claire know when she’s coming back?”
“No,” Jared said, frowning. The hem of his jeans seemed to be irritating him, but I knew it was the direction of our conversation.
“We can’t get married without Claire. I’m going to make her wear something hideous.”
“Already have your Bridesmaids picked out?” he said with a contrived smile.
“Beth, Kim and Claire. What about your groomsmen? Can’t exactly have Samuel and Eli stand in.”
“Sure I could. I don’t think they would do it, but I could ask.” I laughed, and his smile relaxed. “Bex, obviously. Maybe I could ask Ryan. It would help Claire.”
“Not funny,” I said, ripping out a handful of grass, and then throwing it at him.
He shrugged. “Nothing says I have to have as many as you.”
I had never considered that the small details of a wedding would be so difficult for him. He had siblings, and contacts within the system to make things easier, but no friends. Barely any family. His side of the church would be pitifully bare.
“Maybe I’ll just have Beth and Claire, and Bex can escort both of them,” I said, hoping to relieve him of part of what he perceived as a problem.
I had insisted for so long that our lives be as close to normal as a Hybrid and his Taleh could get, that Jared was bordering on obsession about giving that to me. I knew that if something were as important to him, I would be equally determined to make it happen, but I didn't want our wedding to be a source of disappointment; for either of us.
His eyes turned soft. “You can have as many as you want, Sweetheart. I’ll figure it out,” he said, leaning toward me. His lips touched my cheek bone lightly, and then brushed along the edge of my jaw line.
His touch had always had an immediate effect on me, but being alone, shaded from the summer sun by our Oak Tree, I lost all in inhibitions. I pulled his mouth to mine and returned his kiss, letting him know by the way my tongue eagerly danced with his. I let myself fall slowly against the blanket, and held his shoulders, bringing him with me. His lips planted tiny kisses from my ear to my collar bone, and I melted against the ground, feeling wonderfully overwhelmed. His mouth was so warm, and every time his lips lifted away from my skin, little goose bumps formed in reaction to the sudden change in temperature.
My fingers reached up the underside of his shirt, feeling the lean muscles of his back under his tan skin. His attraction to me had always confused me, but I was never ungrateful. There was no doubt that I was lucky. Jared being so close made that fact all too real.
I lifted his shirt over his head, and watched as his muscles stretched with each movement. A smile broke out across my face, and his expression mirrored mine, his senses tuning into my emotions, giving me away.
“Have I told you today how incredibly beautiful you are?” he asked, his nose tracing a line from my chin to my nose, where he stopped to kiss me. “If I haven’t, I deeply apologize. That’s something that should be recognized on a daily basis.” He easily unfastened the first button of my blouse, moving to the second.
“You can say it however often you like, as long as you’re doing that while you’re saying it,” I smiled.
His cell phone rang, and we both sighed.
“Of course,” I said.
He rolled his eyes. “It’s Claire.”
“Old habits die hard.”
He flipped it open. “Ryel.”
A stream of words I couldn’t understand blurred in different tones. Jared’s expression caused me to panic.
“Okay. We’re headed to the airport, now.”
“The airport?” I said, watching Jared dial again.
“I need to charter a jet to Ramstein. No, not Frankfurt-Hahn. Yes, the Air force Base. It’s the closest airport to Landstuhl. I’ll take care of it, Frank, just get it done.”
“We’re going to Germany?” I said in disbelief. “What’s going on?”
Jared ignored me, dialing again. He spoke in German this time. The only thing I understood was Landstuhl. It was the largest military hospital outside the United States, near Ramstein, Germany. The hospital was mentioned in the news frequently because the majority of wounded soldiers from Iraq and Afghanistan were flown there.
In that moment of understanding, I shoved all of our things into the backpack, frantically pulling on my motorcycle helmet. Jared immediately climbed onto his bike, and I jumped on behind him, gripping his jacket as he took off at full speed.
Everything I had feared since the moment I learned of Ryan's decision to join the Army had happened: Ryan had been injured, and Claire was alone, waiting to die.
We stopped at the loft long enough to grab money and passports, but we left everything else behind. Jared was quiet, and the way he was rushing to get to the airport made me fear the worst. He led me through the terminal so quickly that I had to jog to keep up with his long strides.
The plane was ready and waiting when we walked onto the tarmac, escorted by only a handful of the jet's employees. Jared spoke quick instructions to the pilot, and then we rushed up the stairs, barely greeting the flight attendant as we passed.
Jared didn’t speak during take-off. His fingers were on his lips as his mind processed the situation, and the consequences. I left him alone with his thoughts. Just as worried as he was, I wondered about calling Beth, or Kim, or even Josh. Telling them what I knew would only welcome questions, and explaining how I knew before Ryan’s mother, or his best friends would be far beyond my lying capabilites.
Two hours into the flight, I fought with my eye lids to stay open. After the fourth time of jerking myself awake, I finally broke the silence. “This is ridiculous. How could I possible be sleepy right now?”
“Maybe you should try to sleep,” Jared said without looking at me.
I nodded, settling into my seat. My leg jerked, and my eyes popped open again.
“Dreaming?” Jared asked with an amused smile.
“I think I was riding a bike to Germany,” I mumbled, leaning against his shoulder.
Sinking back into oblivion, my breaths grew even. It didn’t take long to let the airplane noise fade into the background.
The lights we
re dim in the fuselage. My eyes were blurry, and with the poor light, it was hard to focus. Jared had left his seat. I wondered how long we had been en route, and looked behind me to the restrooms.
“Jared?” I called back.
Nothing.
I stumbled to the back of the plane, and knocked on the lavatory door. When he didn’t answer, I opened it.
Empty.
My eyes strained to see in the darkness, but I could vaguely make out the top of Jared’s head. He was back in his seat, patiently waiting for me.
“Thirty-thousand feet in the air with nowhere to hide and you still keep me guessing,” I said, falling into my chair.
But it wasn’t Jared. Sitting next to me was Gabe Ryel.
I recoiled, the arm rest digging into my back as I leaned away from him. “What are you doing here?”
“It’s been a while, Nina.”
“I’m dreaming, aren’t I?” I said, perturbed. Knowing Gabe was behind my sleepless nights and the reason why Jared could no longer be within two blocks while I slept mustered up suppressed resentment, resulting in a bit more guts than I usually had.
“Talk Jared into turning back, Nina. We don’t have time for this.”
“Time for what? Why do you insist on being so theatrical? Just tell me what we need to do and we’ll do it.”
Gabe didn’t react. “Turn back, Nina.”
His eyes were black again. It made me more than just uncomfortable. His ice-blue eyes replaced by glass balls in his sockets was downright disturbing.
“No. Claire needs us.”
Gabe didn’t react to my insolence. He simply looked down at his intertwined fingers sitting atop his lap. He wore an expensive suit, the same I remembered when seeing him shadow my father, but his fingers were dirty and worn, as if he’d been digging in soil.
“Find the book.”
“How? Jared has talked to Eli, Samuel…no one will tell us anything!”
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