by T. K. Rapp
I recall the conversation she and I had when it came up, “I remember, that’s when you told him that your parents had made plans for a family vacation.”
She shakes her head with a mischievous smile, “That’s what I told you. He came to me and told me about what happened in your room, the kiss.” She pauses to make sure I know what she’s talking about. “He said he needed to know if you felt something for him, but I told him I wasn’t going to speak for you because I didn’t know where your head was. But I did bail out to give you two time alone, hoping you would finally get your shit together.”
“Lie number two, best friend,” I say holding my fingers in the air, “anything else you need to tell me that you’ve been holding out on?”
“Look, I don’t know what happened between that trip and when you guys stopped talking, but I do know that whatever it was had to do with ego.”
“That trip started out great, but I had no idea that it was the beginning of the end of my friendship with Drew. Had I known then what I do now, I would have done everything different, just to have one of my best friends still in my life.”
The Past: Spring Break in Graceland
Spring break couldn’t come quick enough my freshman year. I had busted my ass studying. The trip was a much-needed vacation that Drew was taking Nev and I on, and I could not contain my excitement. Graceland had been on the top of my list for places to visit, so was Hollywood and Central park, but Graceland was a place I had wanted to visit since I was little kid. My grandmother would turn on old Elvis movies for me to watch and I was mesmerized. As I got older, I would search the Internet for old interviews, just to watch the magic that was The King. He was such a polarizing figure, how could you not want to go?
The night he suggested that we do something for spring break, I was beyond excited, especially since he said I could pick the location. I said the first place that came to mind, only to realize that Nev was not a fan, but I knew she would go anyway. I needed her as a safeguard between Drew and me because all of the back and forth was making my head spin. Will we or won’t we? The question kept echoing in my head every time he and I were alone together. I had even gone so far as to turn down a few dates because I didn’t know what we were, if anything, besides friends. At least the week we spent driving to Memphis would go smooth with Nevaeh around.
Wrong.
Nev walked into the apartment and started huffing and muttering something under her breath that I couldn’t make out. It was comical to see her so flustered, so I couldn’t help but relish the rare moment, “What has your panties in a twist, peaches?”
She faced me and rolled her eyes before returning to her mission to locate something, “Nothing, everything is just fine.”
“Do you need to talk about it?”
“Talk about what? How my mom and dad know how to work me over?”
“What are you talking about, your parents love you,” I said as I walked to the couch to sit down.
“Of course they do, it’s just…you know how they get when they want me to do something.” She grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and handed me one as she sat down next to me.
“So what do they want you to do?”
“They want me to go to Aspen with them,” she said, waiting for my reaction.
“You’re kidding me! Fuck, Nev, they are such assholes!” I mocked.
“Ha! You joke, but when I tell you all about it, you’re gonna be singing a different tune,” she warned as she eyed me.
“You’ve been dying to go to Aspen, so what’s the problem?”
She didn’t look me in the eye, and eventually turned away from me before taking a deep breath. I knew then and there, what she was going to tell me. “Don’t hate me,” she whined, “but they surprised me with tickets to go to skiing.” She chanced a look at me and winced when she finished, “I have to back out of Graceland.”
“You can’t do this to me!” I protested, slamming my hand on my lap. “I can’t be alone with him. Things have been so weird since last year, better yet, since graduation night. I’m not ready to deal with any of that, yet.”
She turned to face me once again and attempted to calm my fears, “You can deal with it. Look, I tried to talk my parents into changing the dates, but they are set on spring break. I told them I already had plans, but they started in on how they don’t see me and that they have the whole family going. And of course to really drive it home, they said my grandmother is going and that this might be the last time I see her out and about.”
“I get it, you have to go,” I stated, not even trying to hide my disappointment.
“I’m sorry, I wish I could go. Well… not really, but I do wish I could be there for you.”
“I need you there for me. You were going to be my buffer, keeping everything neutral in the friend zone.” It was the truth, having her there would keep things as they had always been and I desperately needed that.
“It’s going to be fine, you just need to decide before you leave if you’re going to talk about it, or just move off the subject and stay friends.”
“We kissed, Nev. Not once, but twice, and both times, we’ve walked away and never discussed it. Does it mean anything? I don’t know. All I do know is that things get more and more complicated and I am afraid I will lose my best friend in the process.”
“You’re not losing me,” she answered quickly as I tilted my head showing my irritation. “I’m kidding. Look, you’re making too big a deal out of this. Talk to him, or make a move, just stop bitching about it.”
“That’s easier said than done. If I do something and he doesn’t feel the same way, things will never be the same. And if I don’t do anything, the fucking elephant will still be in the room. I’m sick and tired of the not knowing.”
She put her arm around my shoulder and hugged me, “Apparently you already know what you need to do. You’re over thinking this and you might be surprised to find he still feels the same way he did a year ago. You have to remember that you turned him down before. Guys are protective of their ego when rejected, trust me, those feelings are still there somewhere. You just need to figure out if you’re ready to face them. It can either be your biggest regret or the best thing to ever happen to you, but you won’t know anything if you don’t take a chance.”
I knew she was right, and I hoped more than anything that our friendship would survive our feelings for each other, whatever they were. If I were to see it happening to someone else, I knew I’d have the answers, but it was Drew and me, and there was never anything easy between us. Every decision, idea, and exasperating personality trait was an argument waiting to be hashed out. There was no way a relationship would work for us.
The Monday of spring break, Drew showed up at my place to pick me up for the nine-hour drive. I made a trip to the gym, hoping that I would be able to get a solid hour in and release some pent up energy before I had to be home. We had decided that there was no need to spend an entire week in Memphis, so we would stop by random places along the way when we headed home. As it was, I had already packed everything I needed the night before so Drew wouldn’t have to wait too long when he picked me up.
I walked in to find he and Nevaeh in a debate over some story they were watching on the news when he got up to give me a hug and told me that he had already put my bags in his truck. “What time do we need to leave?” I asked him, wondering if I had time to clean up.
He looked at his watch, “It’s three o’clock now, if we leave by four, we can probably make it to the hotel by midnight. Either that, or we just leave in the morning, it’s up to you.”
I felt a surge of panic consume me because there was no way I could have him in my bed. As it was, we were sharing a hotel room that we had, fortunately, requested have double beds when we figured Nev was going with us. An entire week of unanswered questions and lingering moments was going to be too much as it was. “Let’s go ahead and leave tonight, I want to see Graceland first thing in the morning
,” I said.
“Alright then, you have an hour, do what ya gotta do,” he said as he turned back to the TV and his debate with Nevaeh.
I was showered and dressed, making sure that I looked my best. I walked out to let him know I was ready. I still didn’t know when or if I was going to say anything, but I needed to be prepared. Nev walked us out telling us to have a good time, but when she hugged me, she gave me small piece of advice, “Follow your gut. You’ll know what to do.” I really wasn’t sure I would, so I decided I’d sit back and enjoy the ride. He seemed to be unfazed by the fact that Nevaeh had backed out, which I took for indifference.
As usual, Drew and I fought over the music selection I brought with me, but I knew he’d have his music too. Occasionally, we slapped away each other’s hands with a laugh, when one of us attempted to change the song. For the most part, we compromised, each would take turns choosing a song, which seemed fair, until he started playing too many old songs that I just couldn’t get into.
“Veto,” I said, changing the station, “new rule, it has to be something from the nineties on.”
“You just limited everything that’s awesome,” he protested. “How about, for every one song I pick, I’ll let you choose two. But, it can’t be sappy crying girl shit.”
“That’s not what I listen to, I just happen to like songs that have some sort of meaning to them, not just screaming,” I rolled my eyes when I said it. “It hurts my ears.”
Nine hours is a long time for two people who to spend in a vehicle when you may or may not have incredibly strong feelings for the other while you argue about every little topic that comes up. We had at least three more hours to go, and I was getting increasingly sleepy. We had almost run out of things to talk about, until he brought up Sage. I hadn’t heard her name since graduation night and apparently, she had decided to go to UT. She had looked him up when she got there. Just the mention of her name had me seething, but I kept my demeanor neutral, listening to my best friend, talk about his ex-girlfriend and the efforts that she had gone to in order to find him.
“I don’t know if you knew that she had a problem with you and me, I mean, our friendship,” he corrected quickly.
“Not really,” I started, “she may have mentioned something once.” I admitted with a shrug.
“What? She said something?”
“Yeah, I can’t remember what it was about, but I mean, she was pretty obvious when she would crawl all over you when I was around. I’m sure you loved that.” I tried half-heartedly to smile and make light of the conversation.
“Actually, that’s the reason we broke up. I was tired of her shit. She was so insecure and shallow. Just the mention of your name and her mood would change, no matter how much I insisted we were just friends.” Those words hurt, just friends. Not that there was anything wrong with it, but hearing them come from him, sounding like he still felt that way put a damper on my need to bare my soul.
“I’m sorry, I had no idea I was such an issue for you,” I bit out somewhat angrily. I didn’t want to sound hurt, but I know I did.
“You’re my best friend, Cass, if she, or anyone, has a problem with that, then I have no use for them,” he stated plainly as he reached for my hand to give me a quick squeeze.
It was definitely not the time to tell him how I felt.
The next day, we paid our entrance to enter Graceland and I was in gold lamé heaven! We took the bus that was full of people dressed in Elvis memorabilia, some of which were crying as we crossed through the iconic iron gates. Drew stifled his laughter when I elbowed him for being a jackass, although I was having a hard time keeping a straight face myself. Fellow passengers were sporting the huge gold Elvis sunglasses, while others wore t-shirts donning the various versions of The King. My favorite had to be the older man, who was easily in his seventies, dressed head to toe as Elvis. He was a poor imitation, but I had to respect the dedication he had to stay in character. As we rounded the drive there was a strange excitement that took over seeing the old mansion and I understood what the fuss was all about. It’s Graceland for Pete’s sake!
“Drew,” I said as I dragged him along by his arm, “this is amazing! I can’t believe we’re actually here.”
“You’re so weird,” he scoffed, “I still can’t believe this is where you wanted to go.”
“And why not? Just wait until we get inside.” I had heard of the gaudy décor and tacky furnishings but I was getting to see it firsthand. We entered the front doors and the first thing I noticed was that the mansion wasn’t as big as I had imagined, although I’m sure it was big for the 1930s when it was built.
“Damn, Cass, this place is insane,” he started pointing at various things around the room. “What the hell! Is that shag carpet on the ceiling?”
“Do you know nothing of The King,” I teased. “Everything he did was over the top and lavish.”
“Between the planes out there,” he pointed to where we had embarked on the tour, “the jungle room and this crap, I don’t know what to think.”
“Shh,” I noised at him.
“What was that for?” he asked in genuine confusion.
“You’re gonna piss someone off. Show some respect for the King, these people are die-hards, so be nice,” I warned him through clenched teeth as I continued walking.
He threw his arms up conceding defeat, but I knew it would be short lived. I just wanted him to behave long enough that I could see the trophy room; I just had to see the hall of gold and his costumes.
The tour had been everything I expected and more and I was so grateful that Drew did that, just for me. When we departed the legendary grounds I linked my arm through his and kissed his cheek. “Thank you so much for this, it was awesome.”
“I’m glad you had fun,” he said sweetly.
“Seriously, Drew, how can you not love Elvis?” I gave him a look that I hoped conveyed my amusement. He just shook his head and smiled, never telling me that deep down he absolutely loved it.
Our vacation was coming to an end and the question about what might be was looming over my head. I knew how I felt, but I also knew that Sage was possibly back in the picture and I feared my chance had passed. My uneasiness was obvious and I knew I needed something to calm my nerves, so I had asked him to get us some beer on our last night. I needed liquid courage for what I had planned and I hoped that I wouldn’t be disappointed.
“Take it easy,” he warned, taking my third beer from my hand. “You’re gonna get sick.”
“Oh c’mon,” I cooed, “I’m fine, I can touch my nose and walk a straight line officer.” I saluted, to make my point.
“You’re not seriously drunk are you?” Drew asked me with feigned annoyance. I just shrugged and he laughed. “If you are, then you’re a cheap drunk,” he said, but he handed me another one anyway, which was good for me. We laid on one of the double beds and continued to drink and laugh at some movie we were watching on TV. When he dozed off and I finished the rest of the movie alone, drinking the last of my beer. I looked over at him when I got up to turn off the lights and he looked handsome resting so casually. I wanted nothing more than to curl up next to him, but my conscience was telling me to walk away.
Since he was already sleeping so soundly on his back, I slipped out of my shorts and scurried to my bed but stopped short when I remembered that it was covered in clothes that I had pulled from my suitcase earlier. Being too lazy, and too happy at the misfortune, I opted to just resume my place in the bed next to him, besides, he was on top of the comforter, so what would it matter? When I laid down, he stirred for a moment and I froze until I heard his deep breathing again. My moment was slipping away and my buzz would wear off, so in a move that was very unlike me I got closer.
“Hey,” I whispered in his ear and waited for a response. “Are you awake?”
“Not really,” he answered weakly.
“Goodnight, D,” I murmured as I curled on my side.
I was facing him, one hand u
nder my pillow and the other resting near my face, my favorite way to sleep. I took his unresponsive state to take him in and lock it all to memory. The soothing rhythm of his breathing was almost like white noise lulling my eyes shut. I felt myself start to doze when the smell of his cologne, mixed with his shower gel overcame me. The scent was intoxicating, and I wondered why I had never noticed it before. My mind started to drift to thoughts of Drew and me, and my missed opportunity to tell him how I felt and how I would change it if I could.
It seemed like I had been asleep for a moment, although it could have been longer. I was very aware that I felt the bed move, but I fought to keep my eyes shut, mindful that he was facing me, his breath hot near my face. My heartbeat increased at the proximity of his body to mine, and when his hand covered my hand, it sent tingles up my arm. Neither of us said a word, and if I had to guess, his eyes were closed as well. My thumb brushed the fingers that were wrapped over mine and he turned my wrist, so that my palm was facing up. He ran his fingers in a light line from my fingertips to my wrist, and back again over and over. When his hands stopped their rhythmic massage, I entwined my fingers with his, seeking answers in the silence between us.
I inched closer to him and removed my hand from his and slowly moved it from his chest until it found its home at his neck. I lifted my head and moved my lips to touch his hoping that he would react, and to my amazement, he did. I pulled him closer to me, kissing him urgently as he responded in kind. I was hovering over him needing him to take the lead because I had no idea what to do.
“Drew,” I said in a breathy voice, “I want you.”
He didn’t answer, he just kept kissing me, but I knew he wanted me just as much as I wanted him; it was obvious. When he didn’t act the way I anticipated, I spoke up again, “Please?” I knew I sounded like I was begging and maybe slightly pathetic, but I didn’t care.
