In a business environment, this plays out as follows: It's better to have an "A" team with a "B" plan, than a "B" team with an "A" plan. This business idea probably was derived from an old Arab proverb: An army of sheep lead by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep. In a personal environment, my experience is that an insecure Dom will take a weaker, less secure submissive as a partner in order to be able to control the person without being "called" on his act. (Note: I'm using Dom/submissive, rather than Master/slave, because I've never seen this phenomenon in an M/s relationship.)
I've actually seen this situation unfold in real life. A close friend of mine was faced with having to choose to marry one of two women. Although successful in business and investments, he selected the weaker, less self-actualized woman because he, himself, was insecure about relations with women. His choice astonished his close friends at the time. The woman could never quite get on the same page with him; he finally gave up trying and resigned himself to the situation. (Recall my earlier story about silk purses and sows ears.)
On Emotions in Relationships
Clearly a truism, there are substantial differences between men and women raised in Western civilization when it comes to accessing and expressing emotions. Thus, it will also be a truism that the emotional structure of an M/s relationship in the Western world will feel quite different, depending upon the gender structure:
• Male Master, male slave
• Male Master, female slave
• Female Master, female slave
0 Female Master, male slave
• Yes, I know it's not this simple - but you get the idea
People vary in the degree to which they can access and rely upon their own emotions. Some people tend mostly to think about their relationships with others; other people tend more easily to feel their relationships with others. When stress enters the M/s relationship, these differences can become exaggerated. There are many great books out there that explore this area, and I would encourage you to do this. Some suggested readings are:
• Gray, John. Mars. from Women Are from Are Men Venus: Understanding to the Guide Classic The Opposite Sex. New York, NY: HarperCollins, 1992.
• Chapman, Gary D. The Languages: Love How to Five Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing; Reissue edition, 1995.
Side note: I suspect that there are gender-linked differences that concern one's access to one's emotions, and also to the emotional reactions, themselves. This particularly comes into play when Master starts talking about multiple slaves or polyamory. Translation: I think that a discussion about multiple sex partners is going to be received differently by slaves of different genders. But, I could be wrong.
On the Role of Love in the M/s Relationship
There is quite an active controversy within the M/s movement about the role of love. On the one hand, some Masters take the position that love contaminates the M/s dynamic because Master can never be sure whether or not the slave is complying with a request/Instruction out of love, or out of obedience. Since obedience is the core of the M/s dynamic, Master would lose the capacity to monitor the slave's core reactions.
On the other hand, many Masters feel that if they're going to put all the time and effort into training a slave with whom they will spend lots of time, they want to be submerged in a loving relationship with that person. But, a loving relationship is not necessarily a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, and the Master may want to carefully consider whether to suppress the tendency for slaves to think of their Master as their "girlfriend" or "boyfriend." "Girlfriend/boyfriend" relationships belong to the Vanilla World - the not-kinky world - along with relationships with other family members, especially children. These relationships should be kept separate, as they do not involve the authority or power exchanges inherent in D/s and M/s relationships.
Also, there can be substantial differences between "the Master's love" and "the slave's love." The Master is more likely to love the slave - rather than be "in love" with the slave. However, the slave will probably fall "in love" with Master. This situation, where the Master "loves" the slave and the slave is "in love" with the Master, can lead to some potential misunderstandings and stress unless discussed openly and with truthfulness. It may be useful to discuss different forms of love with a prospective slave, lest they confuse your relationship.
Are You Sure You're a Good Master?
Most people are pretty sure that they're Okay. Most people think that most others are also pretty much Okay. But, some people think that certain people are not Okay. The thing of it is, the per son who you think is not so Okay probably thinks he's just fine. So, let me explore this a little.
Our Community - and here I'm combining the Leather and the Not-Leather BDSM Communities - contains mostly bright, dynamic and interesting people. It also contains some really average people. And, too, it contains some icky people. As I just mentioned, they probably won't think of themselves as presenting problems within the Community, but others do. To describe these folks, Jay Wiseman coined the phrase: Poor Quality Dominants (PQDs). I have also heard this topic discussed at Leather Leadership conferences. Consider your reactions to some of these characteristics:
Disclaimer #1: When you label someone this way, your decision must be based upon your own personal observations, not on hearsay. Beware of repeating gossip. Also, you need to consider what you will do if you're accused of traits such as these.
Disclaimer #2: No, I'm not thinking of any real person; but if you think I'm describing you, you may - in fact - have a problem.
• You are quick to categorize other Doms in your Community as, Poor Quality Dominants, and you work to isolate them. (That is, the very fact that you categorize people this way should be a red flag about your own attitudes and actions. Sure, there may actually be a few people in the Community who genuinely cause trouble - but, they are rare and will be broadly recognized for what they are within the Community.)
• You tend to try to dominate other Doms. You find that you have a little clique of warriors around you who are quick to exclude others from your group. You tend to feel that your way is the right way and other ways are less than your correct way.
• You decline to take counsel from Seniors - those who have been in the scene a long time - because you consider yourself to be a Senior, and thus, don't have to listen to anyone.
• You engage in self-aggrandizement. You take credit where credit is not due. You claim to have started an organization, but you didn't. You start calling yourself Master XYZ - but no Senior Leather Master will respect that self-appointed title. You bought your own leather Master's cap.
• You have a tendency to take your ball and walk off the court if you can't control a group or a situation. Closely allied: people around you feel that they must do things your way or it's the highway. You only cooperate in situations that inure to your benefit.
• You have a very small and tight-knit circle of friends who seem not to last very long. You find that you're casting friends out of your inner circle for various reasons. You have a string of previous friends trailing behind you. If you wanted to give a party, would your first thought be "Gosh, where can I find a place big enough?", or would it be "Gosh, who would I want to spend the evening with?", or - worse yet - "Who would want to spend the evening with me?"
• You are so jealous, so protective of your slave, that you restrict his or her appearance at kink-related events unless you are also present. Related to this, you are so afraid of what an ex-lover (or ex-slave) will say about you within your Community, that you trash this person's reputation before they have a chance even to realize you've dumped them.
• You spend your energies spreading gossip that is negative about the good works of others within the Community, rather than creating your own works, projects, or organizations. If you DO build your own organization, it's a sham: its real purpose is to have a vehicle that you can brag of as your own, rather than as a positive force i
n the Community. Have you ever tried to take over another organization after being (at last) cast out of the previous one?
• You've found yourself repeatedly embroiled in some local controversy or flare-up - often on a group's eList.
• Your admirers are all very junior in the Community. Those who know you are somehow polite, but distant.
The message, here, is that while some people may exhibit one or two of the characteristics in this list (yes, I'm being charitable), if you identify with many of these statements, then you may not be very in touch with what others within the Community think of you. You may have something of a tainted reputation and not really know it. Interestingly, it's been my repeated experience that people who exhibit a number of these characteristics have such thorough psychological barriers to meaningful self-examination, that they have elaborate ways to explain and justify the controversies they foment. They see their lack of friends and their difficulty in finding or keeping a slave as being a problem/flaw in others. Attempts to aid and counsel people with these kinds of blinders will only get you cast out along with the others from their past. Typically, these are very, very angry people.
So, did you recoil at this list? That's OK. I put it here so you could turn it around, for it relates to you when it comes to selecting a slave or a Master. You need to find out your candidate's track record. You need to do some research into the congruency between what the person says, and what the person does. I'll touch on this a bit later.
On Choosing a Mate
I'm going to begin this part of the book by taking a broader view of the M/s relationship and concentrate on some lessons from the "Vanilla" world - slightly augmented by my own comments. On several occasions, I've watched negotiations for an M/s relationship break down when the Master would present the potential slave with a long list of demands and conditions prior to spending any time with the person to determine whether or not they even wanted a relationship with them to begin with. Said differently, the Master wanted the slave candidate to skip the "getting to know you" stage of relationship-building in favor of the "here's how you must obey me, or else" stage. Needless to say, these "Masters" spent a lot of time churning through slave candidates.
So, here, for your consideration, are some general relationship guidelines that apply both to the Master and to the slave:
1. Attributes: Think of yourself as an older Master. Think of yourself as 75. Okay, try 83. You're probably not having much sex. Your slave's skin is getting thin and fragile, so you have had to stop the flogging; whips went away years ago. What's remaining? What core values do you want to rely upon? You have to make this list. I can only posit the situation.
Flip the situation. You're still the 75 year-old Master being viewed through your slave's eyes: what core values and steady behaviors bind the two of you? When your slave reflects on the last five years, does he/she express a dreamy and satisfied look of fulfillment, or a hardened look of a life not lived very satisfyingly.
So, here is a little list of personal attributes for you to consider:
• Kindness
• Loyalty
• Insight
• Flexibility/adaptability
• Devotion
• Ability of the mate to take care of him/herself
2. Inquisitiveness: When you expect to be with someone a long time, you may want someone who goes out into the world and brings back ideas for new experiences. You may get tired of doing all the leading. What characteristics would you want in a slave that supports that result?
• Can the person expand to develop their potentials?
• Are they quick to want to learn new things?
• Can they see old things in new ways?
0 Are they curious?
3. Mutual attraction: What brings the two of you together?
• Are YOU sensitive? Is this person sensitive? Is he/ she alert to things around the two of you when you are together? Are you interested in how your slave thinks, as much as what he/she thinks? [This is a fine point, and I'll expand it a bit. In this country, the difference between the handful of elite private colleges and the vast number of other post-secondary institutions is that the elite institutions teach you how to think, while the others only offer courses about what to think. In my own relationship with my own slave, I am extremely concerned with how she thinks.]
• How do each of you react to the other person's personal space - home or apartment? Do each of you compliment the other on decorations, or are you (or your slave candidate) fairly oblivious to them? Because your personal decor is likely to be an expression of YOU, this is an important point.
4. Processing emotional hurt: When you hurt someone, they feel pain and show it. When they hurt you, they feel your pain. The question is: how do each of you care for the other when you've hurt one another? Effectively handling pain you cause another is an important aspect of maturity and vital in a stable relationship.
• Do you clam up - indicating that you don't know how to process the pain you have given your partner?
• Do you go into some form of stylized speech pattern, indicating immaturity?
Our Family uses the Native American process of "talking sticks" to work through upsets. Either the Master or slave may request a session. The hurt party picks up the stick and talks until he/she is done. The stick then passes to the other party, who speaks until done. The person holding the stick may not be interrupted. This goes on until the issue is resolved. Another Master who uses this system explained that over the years, in his Family, it got so that the talking sticks only had to be used when both Master and slave were emotionally involved with an issue. Otherwise, the person who was not the aggrieved party could easily sit quietly while the upset partner expressed his/her hurt.
5. Independence: Choose someone who has an inner life, someone on their own journey, someone independent of you. This person should see you as a partner on his or her journey.
Personally, I distinguish between wanting and needing someone. If you need them, you are at the effect of the relationship - that is, you don't come from choice and you are unusually vulnerable. If you feel you need your mate, chances are you're going to run into some problems within an M/s structure.
6. Passion: Be passionate about something. And choose someone who has similar passions - similar interests in making memories. You may need to draw on the good memories during hard times. Choose someone who makes your life bigger, not smaller. Select a person who is curious about the world around them.
7. Values: Choose someone with similar values. There are many "relationship models," some of which are quite unusual. You should understand something about these different models as early in the relationship as possible, and make sure your intended slave has both a similar understanding and a similar model in mind. At an extremely broad cut, some relationship models are:
• Open vs. closed sexual relationship (one or both partners can have other casual sexual partners)
• Mongamy vs. polyamory (multible long term partners)
0 Power exchange vs. equal partners
8. Compassion: When you pass a poor person on the street (perhaps a "street person"), what is your reaction? What is your potential slave's reaction? Are you repulsed or do you feel empathy? In an important way, this reaction can be a proxy measure for a person's openness. (A proxy measure is an unrelated - but acceptable - question you can ask that actually answers another question.) You may find that a person who has trouble expressing compassion for others less fortunate may have trouble "plugging in" to YOU. Or, this may be an indicator that you may have trouble plugging in to your slave. Is your potential mate willing to listen to you? Truly listen? Do YOU listen? How do you know you're really listening?
9. Processing/sorting modalities: The best place to find out more information about this topic is to do an Internet search on NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). This is a field unto itself and a course of study that I highly recommend for a Master. This will bring you
very rewarding personal skills for working with people, whether or not this includes your slave. Basically, a person tends to process information cognitively, visually, auditorily, tactilely, or in some combination. For best effect, you will want to present information to people according to their preferred processing style. You can get an idea of their style by listening to their language (I hearwhat you say; I see what you mean; I know what you mean; I feel your pain; I sense that...)
As it applies in this book - and this list - you need to be sure you each understand the other's "sorting" styles. Equally, if not more importantly: Do you say "I love you" in a way that your partner can "get it?" (Although I've already mentioned it, see: Chapman, Gary D. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing; Reissue edition, 1995.)
• Money/gifts: Some men feel that turning their paychecks over to their spouse, or buying gifts, is a demonstration of "I love you" and that they don't have to say anything.
• Sensory: Some people respond to verbal cues, some to touch, some to visual cues. Work this out before you take someone as your slave, or at least be able to "translate" for them.
• Performing services: Some people translate the neatness/tidiness of the house as I love you.
• Time and attention: Some people consider that spending a lot of time with them translates to, I love you.
• Verbal: Some people respond most strongly to being told that they are loved.
10. Selective blindness: Learn to overlook certain faults. Sometimes, little things that initially were attractive/cute will become annoying over time. I'm not suggesting that you overlook character flaws such as criminal activity or dishonesty; you can't build a relationship with someone once serious character flaws are revealed. But, I am suggesting that in the larger scope of your lives together, there may be certain annoyances that may be better left alone.
Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice Page 5
