• What specific BDSM skills do you have? CBT? Flogging?
• What specific BDSM play do you particularly enjoy or particularly avoid?
These are proxy questions for key issues about kindness, loyalty, personal competence, self-confidence, personal ethics, kink preferences, self-reliance, and so forth. They are only part of your packet of questions. It is up to you to extend this list.
The next group of questions concern what your slave candidate may be seeking. Again, you really need to think this list through and create one that comes from YOUR being, not from my head. Consider the next two lists as starting points.
Questions a Master Might Ask of a submissive/ slave
• Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, but why did you pick ME to petition?
• Specifically, what skills do you seek in a Master? What evidence do you have that I can help you with that?
• Name some life-goals that you think I could help you attain.
• How do you see me helping you grow in personal or skill areas?
• How have you prepared to be a slave? Have you been in service before? (NOTE: it is very important that you learn about this person from others within his or her community. See below for the section on "Poor Quality submissive/slave.")
• "Living in Service" can mean different things to different people; can you explain what living in service means to you?
• What acts of service have you experienced - both for pay and as a volunteer?
• There's a lot of discussion about loving your slave. Where do you stand on the subject of love in M/s relations?
• In your past relationships, how have prior Masters distinguished between punishment and correction? Please give examples of a few issues that occurred to you that you suspect would cause me to punish or to correct you.
• What kinds of support/help do you seek from a Master? What role do you wish your Master to fulfill?
• Are there times in your past relationships when you were loaned out? Tell me about those. What was the purpose in loaning you out, and how did you feel about that? What safeguards were in place when you were loaned out? Did you feel those were adequate?
• Please describe in detail the kind of sex play you particularly enjoy. Said differently, what level of sex play do you wish of me? What experiences have you had with a polyamorous lifestyle? (If you, the reader, are also interested in the swinging lifestyle, you will have to develop appropriate questions.)
• In the future, I might wish to consider having more than one slave. How do you react to that?
• In your prior M/s relationships, how was SM play folded in with daily living?
Do you already have a website? If it's not appropriate to use your existing website to promote your search for a slave, perhaps you could have another site built for that purpose. A decision to build a website to advertise your search for a slave is highly individual and depends not only on who you are, but also the degree to which you are used to having a web presence.
Exposure: Presentation and Follow-Through
Okay, let's presume that you've prepared your bio and thought through questions to ask a prospective respondent; you've prepared all this stuff, now what? Well, you can advertise.
• Local e-groups
• Alt.com; bondage.com; collarme.com; slave4master. com and similar websites
• Personals sections of newspapers
0 Local munches and meetings
But advertising, alone, may not be enough. Depending upon the extent of the response, you may need to develop a way to keep track of the contacts. This doesn't have to be elaborate, but it's a matter of making notes of what you did/said to the person so you don't get the people confused. (I can hear you already: "How confused can I get with zero responses?") Take heart. You're fishing in a really, really small pond. Think about it. There's the total U.S. population. Then there is the subpopulation of people who are kinky. Within that, the subpopulation of those who are interested in power exchange. Within that, those who are interested in a structured relationship - Master/slave relations. Small group. A few thousand couples in the U.S.? Regional conferences get about 200 people. They're expensive, yes, but people practicing this Lifestyle are pretty passionate about it and may show up at M/s conferences in greater percentages than for general BDSM conferences.
The point is, you may find it's hard to find a good match. I've watched both Doms and subs in my local Community hunt and hunt and hunt. Ultimately, I've suggested to more than one person that they start writing articles and books in order to become known and to gain access to a wider pool of candidates.
Some Special Considerations if You or Your slave are New to the Lifestyle
If your slave is new to the Lifestyle - and if YOU are fairly new to the Lifestyle - your greatest risk is probably in scaring him/her. I have a friend - a Leatherwoman who had been in the Lifestyle for one year - who took a fairly new-to-the-lifestyle date to a dark party (a no-rules party), and was upset that he didn't know how to behave. Are we surprised, here?
I have another friend who was so excited about finally collaring his slave, that he ordered her to wear the collar to work. Not a good idea; this collar wasn't very discreet. Soon, the slave was embroiled at work in one minor controversy after another. The slave never lost her job, but she had the sense that she was monitored much more closely, and differently, than her peers.
Message: it's going to take some time for those new to this subculture - whether new as a Master or new as a slave - to learn how to behave and act separately and together in ways that don't cause others to roll their eyes. How many times have we heard stories of Internet Doms showing up at a public play party and causing an uproar by grabbing someone's slave/submissive by the collar? How many times have we heard about the new person walking right across an ongoing scene? How many times have we watched with some mixture of horror and fascination as a new-to-real-life Dom would sit down beside someone's collared slave and start talking to her?
Anyway, the reality is that we all started out at the beginning, and once we've been submerged in this Lifestyle for some years, we tend to forget how different we are now from the person we were then. Don't overwhelm your new slave candidate.
Getting to Know You; Getting to Know All About You
Before you begin a relationship, I strongly recommend getting to know the person in a very Vanilla way. In the opening stages of your relationship, you - as Master - should be sharing equal psychological power and authority with your slave candidate. So, take some time with this person in order to figure out how they act and react to unusual situations. Try spending a weekend in a single bed. Make up some reason why it has to be this way, and consider the reactions. Take your slave candidate out slumming for dinner one night, and then have him/her get seriously dressed up another night. See how you guys behave for a weekend at a four-star hotel, then at a dive. Who is doing the fussing, and what are they fussing about?
I've had any number of instances where my own prejudices rushed to the surface and danced on my head giggling, as I watched someone who certainly didn't look the part, exhibit extremely refined manners and behaviors. Similarly, I've had a few experiences where a drop-dead gorgeous and immaculately coiffed Thing shattered the spell, which then crashed to the ground, flopping and gasping for breath. She had opened her mouth and said something that came out in non-grammatical English. But, these are my hang-ups and not yours. You get to be honest and derive your own self-truths.
So, I suggest you start with a short contract; three months seems to be common (it follows, shortly). Also, the Internet contains many contract examples, although they are of varying degrees of utility. In my own life, I offered my slave a three-month contract and renewed it twice before moving to a year-long contract that covered a period that she was under consideration for the permanent collar that I ultimately offered her.
Guarding Against a Poor Quality submissive/slave
As a Master, you may fi
nd that you've become entangled with an out-of-control slave who talks about you behind your back. It may take some time for you to realize this is going on. Some defenses - particularly relating to established submissives:
• Ask your potential slave to provide references. References that you already know. This may be somewhat round-about, but it can be done. Person "X" knows person "Y," who knows person "Z," whom you also know. Ours is a pretty small Community.
• Do some additional research. Learn something about the person you are considering taking on as a slave. Listen for what you are NOT being told, as well as what you ARE being told. Listen for unusual phrasing: "Oh, gosh, sure I know lovelybod. Oh, I don't think it's appropriate for me to say anything about her - that would sound too much like gossip, you know what I mean?"
Because our Community so relies on personal endorsements, it's extremely important that you couldn't get one for lovelybod. Your follow-up question might be: "Oh, can you give me the name of anyone who could give me an endorsement?" If your source now says something like: "Oh, gosh, that would really be hard. I just don't know....", you know that you've just unfurled a big red flag.
• Attend your local kink meeting with your potential slave. How does he/she behave? Is he/she welcomed like a person of high value, or like some gruesome plague? Does this person appear to be surrounded by a closed circle of friends (a clique?), or does this person mix with the general assembly? In fact, what conclusions can you draw about this person by the others with whom he/she meets?
Serious Warning Flags About a Person
Everyone is human. We all have foibles and follies. But, if you've run into someone who is exhibiting a number of the following traits, chances are that person is miserable with him or herself. Someone who is personally miserable is really likely to make YOU miserable. So tread carefully.
• Uses "I" as often as possible
• Is sensitive to (perceived) slights by others
• Is jealous and envious
• Thinks only of him/herself
• Talks mainly of him/herself
• Trusts no one
• Never forgets a criticism
• Always expects to be appreciated, always fishing for compliments
• Is suspicious of the intentions of others
• Listens greedily to what others say of him/her
• Always mentions faults in others
• Does as little as possible for others
• Shirks duties, if possible
• Never forgets a service he/she may have rendered to someone
• Sulks if people aren't grateful for his/her favors
• Demands agreement with his/her own views on everything
• Only looks for a good time
• Loves him/herself first
• Is selfish, if at all possible
So, when it comes to searching for a slave, remember the aphorism: When you don't know what to do, do it slowly.
Chapter Summary
This chapter focused on finding a slave. I gave you some Internet links to help you find local kink clubs and a link to help you locate weekend kink conferences. I suggested you consider making up some non-business kinky calling cards, prepare a Master's Resume, and consider creating a website to promote your search for a slave. I supplied a series of questions that a Master might ask a slave candidate and offered some suggestions about guarding yourself against a poor quality submissive. I ended with a bulleted list of potential red flags about a person you're considering for an intimate slave.
Now, we're ready to move to the next chapter - beginning a relationship.
"It's not what you think about the relationship, it's how you think about the relationship."
Master Jim Glass, Northeast Master/slave Conference, 2006
When I attend Master/slave conferences, I'm struck by the fact that most of these relationships are among older people - 40+. Quite a population is over 55. This tells me a few things. First, this kind of structured relationship may appeal more to people who have been married once or twice; and second, personal maturity also helps.
Because a Master/slave relationship is still a form of relationship - and holds the potential for excitement and fulfillment - people sometimes let down their guard in the hopes that if they just overlook this or that little difficulty, the fit will be close enough to work out. That's probably not a great idea.
CPR - the Core Truth about an M/s Relationship
As Master Jim Glass points out, a Master/slave relationship is about CPR: Control plus Power produces Respect. As I've commented previously, your slave is not your boyfriend or girlfriend. This is not a vanilla relationship. As Master, you must master both the verbal and non-verbal techniques of exuding personal power.
But, how do you exude personal power if it does not come naturally to you? Where does the control come from? An Internet search may be helpful, but here are some bulleted notes.
Tips on developing command presence:
• Give a good first impression - every day. You don't want to look like an unmade bed.
o Always wear clean, pressed clothing; dress professionally.
o Is your car clean, inside and out?
o If you work in an office, keep it extremely clean and tidy.
• Be conscious of your physical stance.
o Legs apart, shoulder width.
o Hands to sides, NOT in front or in back.
o Be careful to be planted and not to rock or sway.
o Don't lean on anything.
• Attend to how you walk. How you carry yourself portrays command presence or lack of it. Confidence is projected through your body language and how you verbally deal with individuals and groups.
o Walk with intent. Don't shuffle your feet or use a "lazy" walk. Pick up your feet and move like you know where you are going and that you have a purpose in going there.
o Walk with your head up, eyes alert, and your expression intent. You do not want to appear weak or vulnerable. You want to project the image of someone who knows why they are where they are, and who is trained and knows what they are doing.
o Portray an "I am in charge of this situation" image. The key is to be outwardly confident - even if on the inside you are scared out of your wits. You want your body language to convey confidence.
• Attend to how you speak.
o Your speech is another aspect of command presence. More people than you think hear you speak.
o Don't say too much - when you're silent, people take it to mean you're "deep."
o Don't say anything that you don't have to say - knowledge is power don't give it away.
o If you make a mistake, apologize and clean up your own mess. You are responsible for ensuring that your message is heard the way you intended.
o Use a strong, well-modulated voice (practice being forceful with yourself in a mirror - preferably naked). (I knew a female police lieutenant who said she taught herself voice control by forcefully instructing a chair to remain just where it was. She went on to be an instructor in command presence at a police academy.)
• If someone was watching you to see how you reacted if they did something wrong, what would they think?
o How do you sit, stand, and walk when at work?
o Do you walk around with your hands in your pockets?
o Do you look at the ground all the time?
o Do you look bored and inattentive? Monitor yourself; practice being assertive without being domineering. Keeping your cool is also a big part of this.
Command presence boils down to how you present yourself. Do you "look the part?" Do you carry yourself with confidence? Do you ACT the part? Do you speak the part? If you can, then you are developing Command Presence, which will make your job as Master a LOT easier.
Starting a New Relationship - a Period of Being Crazy
For many people, the first several months of a new relationship are characterized by a wild emotional high. The new partner is heaven
-sent. The new partner is the most amazing surprise you've ever had. The new partner does everything perfectly. The new partner is so smart, talented, wise. The new partner, the new partner, the new partner. Jay Wiseman tells me that in polyamorous circles, this is known NRE - New Relationship Energy.
That's why most Seniors that you ask, will advise you to slow down. Take it easy. Don't rush. Get to know the person as a person. That's why training contracts are often 3-4 months long. You have to see how the new partner looks and behaves in six months.
Some Early Indications of Problems with Your New slave
In our Community, there are some early warning signs of trouble:
• Your new slave has accepted this relationship with you, but has NOT checked YOUR reputation within your local Community. If your potential slave hasn't checked you out, they are either unusually naive, an unsafe player, or may be so inexperienced that they don't know how to check you out. Or they may be a little arrogant and feel that they can discern all your strengths and weaknesses on their own. This is not likely to be true, is it?
• Your new slave may be addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, pain, food, etc. This can be pretty self-evident. But, people with active or prior addictions have certain common characteristics that can include stunted emotional development - so, you may wish to do some research into "addictive behavior" before getting too heavily involved.
• Your new slave won't account for a block of time that has disappeared. He/she keeps ducking and weaving when asked the simple question: "Where were you?" (Warning: she/he may have been out finding you a surprise birthday present - so, be careful about forcing an answer.) Your new slave has frequent personal crises beyond the normal or average that could be expected in any life. This could indicate that this person may - through their personal choices - bring these problems upon themselves. I doubt that you will enjoy being along for that ride.
• Your new slave seems to have dramatic mood swings: nice and pleasant most of the time, then aggressive and abusive without warning. Same comment as above: this is not normal and you will probably not enjoy being along for that ride.
General Warning Flags Concerning submissives/ slaves
Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice Page 8
