32. My Master and I have agreed that for these reasons only, do I have the right to terminate this contract immediately, and with no recourse to myself:
a. Abuse, as outlined above in section 5a-g, either intentional or accidental, or as a direct result from consuming alcohol or drugs.
b. Permanent bodily harm, either intentional or accidental, or as a direct result from consuming alcohol or drugs, as outlined above in section 7a-f.
c. Permanent mental harm, either intentional or accidental, or as a direct result from consuming alcohol or drugs, as outlined above in section 9a- d.
d. Breach of this contract by another Master, by charge of my Master, or as a direct result from consuming alcohol or drugs, as outlined above in section 18.
e. Exposed evidence of my slavery as outlined above in section 19.
f. Any addendums further agreed upon by Master and I that are attached to this contract and signed by both parties will be considered as part of this contract as well.
33. Should any situations occur as outlined in section 32a-f, and should I still continue to want to uphold this contract in full, Master and I shall put in writing what occurred, as well as my decision to continue this contract, and that will be attached to this contract and signed by both of us, unless Master wishes the contract ended at that time because of said situation.
34.1 have read and fully understand this contract, and am entering into this contract under my own free will.
35.1 have not been coerced in any way to enter into this contract.
36. By signing below, I agree to accept and obey all preceding rules without question, as well as any rules Master may choose to issue at a later date, and I gratefully and willingly consign my body, mind, soul, and worldly possesions to Master, for His pleasure and use any way he sees fit.
EXAMPLE OF AN OWNER'S CONTRACT
Collars
Collars are usually - but not always - associated with contracts. They are the visible symbol of a power exchange dynamic.
Collars have varying degrees of significance for people in the BDSM community. By wearing a collar, a person may wish to make it known that he or she is submissive. Wearing a collar may similarly be a signal to others that the submissive is "owned" by - or is in a relationship with - a Dominant. It may also be a tangible symbol of the relationship, itself. A lockable collar may further symbolize the transfer of power from the submissive to the Dominant holding the key.
A person wearing a collar to symbolize their relationship with another is said to be collared. Some people conduct formal collaring ceremonies that are regarded as effectively solemnizing their relationship in the same way as a marriage ceremony.
As a fashion accessory, collars are becoming more common, but not sufficiently so that they would go unnoticed, particularly when worn by men. Many choose to wear their collars only when in private with their partners or with other members of the BDSM community. As BDSM practices move increasingly into middle class society, the role of the collar is also changing. Sometimes, couples who also practice 24/7 M/s and D/s relationships adopt collars that can be mistaken as ordinary chokers or jewelry necklaces that can be worn discreetly in public.
My sense is that formal stages of collaring are seen much more outside than inside the Leather culture. While individuals may name their collars - and the meaning behind their collars - differently, the general sequence goes like this:
• The collar of consideration is the first stage and is roughly analogous to a pre-engagement ring. This collar can be removed by the submissive at any time with no ill will, and the relationship would be ended.
• Next comes the training collar, roughly analogous to an engagement ring; it indicates a deepening relationship in which the submissive is being prepared by the Dominant to serve to the standards the Dominant wishes. Again, the submissive may ask to be released, but the break is considered to be more serious and painful for both parties.
• Finally, the full slave collar is analogous to a wedding band, and at this point, the submissive is considered to be a formal slave, owned by the Master or Dominant. In the Leather community, this stage is considered permanent. This bond would only be broken if the submissive is released by the Dominant for some exceptional reason. Simple failure of service is not adequate grounds for release, since that would show control failure on Master's part, as well as performance failure on the slave's part. As with engagement and wedding rings, there are traditions with collars in regard to materials and colors that are appropriate to each level, and they usually become more elaborate as the stages progress.
Personally, I gave my slave a training collar before I gave her a collar of consideration. My view was that I wanted to assess her acclimatization to the lifestyle (she was fresh from the Land of Vanillas) before I became too heavily invested. For these purposes, I reversed the significance of the collars. That is, she was free to terminate the training phase of our relationship, but once she possessed the collar of consideration, it was like being engaged.
House collars (collars of protection) are sometimes used to indicate to others in clubs, homes, and in organizations that provide social spaces that the submissive is under the protection of your House and is to be approached with respect. I have seen protection collars used for submissives who are not yet ready to make their own choices and need time to learn.
Recently, there has been a trend for established, but currently unattached slaves, to petition an established Master for protection (referred to as wardship). Once granted, the slave is then said to be a ward of Master XYZ, who is serving as Guardian Master. slave david stein, ward of Master Steve Sampson, prepared an outstanding talk on this issue - presented at the Northeast Master/slave Conference in July, 2006. Currently, our House has extended "wardship" to an unattached "slave-in-waiting," as she seeks a permanent Master. She wears our House collar when at public functions.
Chapter Summary
Here, I began with a preamble about contract theory - why do it. Next, I suggested some basic styles of contracts - simple, time-controlled, and staged. From there, it was an easy step to describing some of the more common elements of M/s contracts - then on to providing some examples of contracts. The chapter ended with a brief review of collars and at least my best shot at explaining their meaning and purpose.
Gosh, what hubris! How can I write a section like this? There are books, books, books and experts, experts, experts who really know how this works.
Let me draw attention to the section title for a minute. I could have called this section: "Maintaining a Master/slave Relationship." I didn't, because I've included general truths here. In this section, I'm going to give you some of the lists and quotes that have shaped my life. In some cases, I'll add commentary. In my own life, I've been blessed with very long-term relationships. They have ended because I changed - I reinvented myself, and my spouses chose not to follow. Which I respect. I'm still very, very close with them.
I'll start this list with one I picked up recently in a presentation on Master/slave relations. I think it is particularly good. And, I hope you can benefit from the other bits of wisdom as much as I have over the years.
Seven Secrets of Maintaining a Long-Term 24/7 M/s Relationship
Taken from their presentation handout, Master Kurt and slave john have written:
1. Affirm strong, ongoing commitment by both partners to the M/s lifestyle.
2. Remain flexible in negotiating terms of the partnership.
3. Integrate dominance (control) and submission (service) dynamics into everyday activities.
4. Engage in ongoing sexual/BDSM activities that bond partners to one another while reinforcing their selfidentities.
5. Recognize that both partners must share common values and interests outside of the M/s lifestyle to maintain a longterm union.
6. Maintain transparent communication between partners.
7. Periodically reset/recalibrate the relationship to ensure that partners remain in
terested in and connected to one another.
What a great list! Their presentation is outstanding, and I urge you to attend it if you ever have the opportunity.
Watch your Thoughts...
By Frank Outlaw
• Watch your thoughts, they become words.
• Watch your words, they become actions.
• Watch your actions, they become habits.
0 Watch your habits, they become character.
• Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
Commentary: In my view, these are some of life's core truths. Once I realized this, I became very concerned about words and word use. I care a great deal about the connotation of words and closely attend to the words my slave uses. I can "read" quite a bit about my slave's thinking by listening closely to word choice - particularly when the slave is upset.
Another Core Truth
To look is one thing.
To see what you look at is another.
To understand what you see is a third.
To learn from what you understand is still something else.
But to act on what you learn is all that really matters.
Taoist saying
Commentary: Another key to personal Mastery. Not only must one be present, but the person must be awake, aware and have the background experience to understand what is happening and to learn from it. All this, just to get to the point where one's action makes a difference in one's life. This leads us to the next insight.
Four Stages of Awareness
Often referenced as "The Four Stages of Learning," these concepts appear to have been developed by Noel Burch in the late 1960s. See also: Johari Window.
• Unconscious incompetence: you don't know that you can't do it.
• Conscious incompetence: you know you can't do it.
• Conscious competence: you know you know how to do it.
• Unconscious competence: what you do perfectly is so automatic that you no longer think about it.
Visible and Invisible knowledge: I consider this topic to be extremely important when two people are working together - particularly if one person is asking the other to do something or to get something. YOU know some things that your slave does not know. Your slave knows some things that YOU don't know. Some knowledge that one or the other of you would consider very common, is utterly invisible to the other person. It is useful to be aware that each of you possess knowledge that is invisible to your partner. Some examples:
• If you're used to doing your own plumbing, you'll get this right away: you're under the sink working on a repair. You've got your pipe wrenches, but you've forgotten your gunk (or calking tape). You ask your slave to run to the garage and to bring you a tube of calking compound plus a 2" crescent wrench. Nothing. Blank stare. You might as well have tried speaking in Greek. A 2" crescent wrench and calking tape is invisible knowledge to the slave.
• If you're used to doing your own shopping, you'll get this right away: you gave Master something to pick up at the grocery store (go with me on this one - he wanted to go to the store anyway). You say: "Master, when you go out for the wine, would you please bring back a nice steak for our dinner." He comes back with a choice ribeye. You blanch: this was to be a special dinner; he knew this. You'd been talking about the candles on the table and the type of Cabernet that was needed - you assumed he knew to buy a prime NY strip steak - you assumed he knew that you ONLY buy prime NY strip steak for this kind of dinner. When you delicately ask Master about it, he explains that it was the right shape for the steaks you always buy. Disconnect; invisible knowledge. The cut of the meat didn't mean anything - only the shape of the meat. He didn't know that ribeye and NY strip look the same. Invisible knowledge to the Master.
Not only are there many areas that are blind from one gender to another - having something to do with how boys and girls are socialized - but also there are knowledge and experience gaps between social classes. For example, if you're in a truck stop, chatting with the waitress is perfectly normal. Ditto if you're at TGIFriday's. The waitperson is likely to be chatty as a way of making larger tips. Not a problem. However, if you're in an elite restaurant with linen service and you start speaking with the professional waitperson, you immediately telegraph that you're clueless about social etiquette. In this case, conversing with the wait staff is improper, and your host is going to draw many unflattering inferences about you from that gaffe.
Coming around very gingerly to the topic of social etiquette, and visible and invisible knowledge, and unconscious incompetence, I'll give you a concrete example that ties back to slave training. Depending upon the person's upbringing - gender won't matter, here - some people bend at the waist when bending over in a kitchen (or elsewhere) to remove something from a low storage cabinet. Those with a more careful upbringing will squat - in order that their rear-ends not stick out. This degree of personal behavior is invisible to most people and will telegraph your upbringing.
The message, then, is that in forming a new relationship, the Master must be extremely sensitive to different sets of assumptions between Master and slave. The slave may be working as hard as he/she can and still seem to be missing important points that the Master thinks are perfectly obvious.
Commentary: In training a slave, much of your responsibility is to walk him/her through these stages. Personally, I have frequently reflected on these four stages of awareness when considering an aspect of my slave's action that requires more attention. Even more than that, as a Master, you must be able to distinguish between visible and invisible knowledge.
Communication
What a complex topic. I don't want to start down the path of teaching communication skills in a book on M/s relations, but you might consider some of these questions/issues and build strengths where you sense they may need building.
• What evidence do you have that you are able to communicate clearly, confidently, and persuasively? In your work life, are you looked upon as a particularly clear communicator?
• Do your ideas have selling power? Is it your experience that people follow your ideas?
• Have you taken courses in effective communications?
• When you speak, do you use simple words, short sentences, and clear word-pictures?
• When your slave describes his/her unique situation, do you take the time to listen attentively and to respond so your slave feels acknowledged and respected? (Unique situation can mean a shopping experience. Does the person with whom you are speaking feel valued and validated? )
Commentary: I distinguish between talking and speaking. One "talks to" someone or "speaks with" someone. In my view, talking is one-way. Talking is lecturing.
Upsets
How do you reconnect with your slave after an upset? What if it's YOU who became upset and the slave was not at fault? Or, what if the slave WAS at fault and caused the upset? I've already covered talking sticks as our Family's way of working through upsets. I would say that the talking sticks are the second level of response. My first level of response to an upset slave is to revert immediately to a higher level of protocol. If she's had an upset and spoken curtly to me, I might lightly ask: "Do I take it that the answer was `Sir, with respect, Sir, only if it pleases you, Sir.'?" (For those of you who have not read my Protocols book, or who are not familiar with forms of address in a Leather M/s relationship, that sentence means "No, I won't do it unless you absolutely require it of me.")
But, this last paragraph carries a very important hidden concept. Notice the way I described my slave's frame of mind. I said that she "had an upset" as opposed to "was upset." This is not trivial: if you are being upset, then you are coming from your being - your inner self - and your whole being is about upset. I don't want to give it that weight, so I refer to it as having an upset. That way, you can think about either having or not having the upset - you can come from choice - not from effect. (Yes, I'm an est graduate. Also Landmark Education. My slave has also gone through a numbe
r of the Landmark offerings.) However, sometimes, for whatever reason, the Master's emotions may cause a problem and the slave may have to defuse the situation. Therefore, it's important that BOTH parties have some conflict resolution skills. [There is quite a bit Internet material on this, you may wish to start with www.crnhq.org and click on "12 Skills Summery."]
Goal Setting
• Are you clear about what you want to achieve in your life?
• Look back at your life and examine where you started and measure how far you've come.
• Are you satisfied with where you are today?
• Are you excited and enthusiastic about your goals?
Commentary: Have you ever sat down with your slave and had a business meeting? A meeting where you discuss your personal goals for the next M-months or Yyears? A meeting where you explain the skills you wish to master to accomplish your goals; a meeting where you list proposed activities that support the skills, and so forth? Depending upon your degree of experience with planning-feedback loops, you could build in periodic evaluation points that would enable you to adjust and correct your timeline or activities as you proceed in your plan. Does this sound a bit otherworldly? Let me point out: life is really short. If you don't plan your work and work your plan, you'll wake up much older with little to show for the time you spent on earth. Please see the section in the next chapter entitled "Plan your Future" for a step-by-step description about how to accomplish this kind of planning.
Balancing Priorities
• Do you find yourself handling the same piece of paper over and over? Do you organize your life to get the most done in the least amount of time? (www.pilesto- files.com click on "special reports.")
• Do you put off burdensome tasks or do you find that your "to-do list" keeps growing longer? Are you able to prioritize your life to maximize growth and achievement?
Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice Page 12
