Ah, but if she really drifts - loses focus - but the drift is minor, I signal my slave to assume a Full Present position (kneeling, legs apart, hands behind back, head up) and recite this poem. (Thanks to Master Michael Yongue, Head Master, The House of Ptolemy, for sparking this idea.)
Master... i am your slave; and i reaffirm that i have given myself to You completely. Master... i seek the serenity to serve you effortlessly with grace and elegance. Master... i seek to make your life a magical place, surrounded by beauty.
To deliver these gifts, i seek understanding of my shortcomings, i seek patience with my humanity, i seek emotional love and support.
For i am Your property, Master, to do with as You choose. For i am Yours, Forever.
Occasionally, your slave may seem to take leave of his or her senses and experience a more serious drift. In these cases, you can achieve focus by taking away something that is important, or by altering a routine.
By way of example: I recently had a problem with my slave, who broke two rules at once - an extremely unusual situation. First, my slave failed to follow a direct written instruction and second, she failed to fully communicate with me about the status of that assigned task. While the details of "the story" are unimportant, the lesson is that something had to be done to get us back on the same track. I settled on asking my slave to restate in writing what had happened - from her perspective - and to explain to me why the assignment had not been completed, and how she would deal with it if the situation were reversed and she had a slave who did this.
When I gave this assignment, I was particularly careful not to make my slave feel "wrong." I explained that I was having trouble understanding her behaviors in light of our M/s relationship.
Her four-page, single-spaced reply was extremely helpful for both of us. We were able to pinpoint the breakdown (it had to do with some assumptions on both our parts, as is often the case) and we agreed to be sensitive to these kinds of situations in the future. We each had to let go of our positions about "being right."
So, focus means letting go; focus means removing preconceived notions about the way things should be and replacing them with how Master wants the slave to act. Focus is never easy to maintain in the beginning of a structured relationship, but it is well worth it in the long run. (Focus is a major step toward selfmastery, which is very important in this dynamic.)
When Your Relationship Runs into Trouble, Revert to Protocols
Protocols reinforce the power exchange dynamic of the relationship and represent a safe harbor during stressful times. There's nothing like having the slave resting in a Full Present position while you work through some issue. If the conversation starts to sound too chatty, try asking: "And how would that sound in protocol?"
Don't ask Questions to which You Don't Want Answers
This is a kissing-cousin to the trial attorneys' motto: "Don't ask questions for which you don't already know the answer."
In my experience raising children, there were certain things I simply didn't want to know. There were areas where they needed privacy. Similarly, in training my slave, there are certain things I simply don't want to ask about. This is because I either already know that a task/project wasn't done exactly as I would like, or whether or not it was done my way is not important enough to give it the significance of a question. When I observed that my slave had done something in what 1 would consider to be an odd way, I often had to fight the urge to stop and ask for an explanation, because if I did ask, I found that my slave would become extremely anxious, as my questions carried a connotation of criticism. In fact, I was merely trying to figure out how my slave thought and worked.
Learn to Manage Discussions
While Master certainly has the role, responsibility, and authority to decide, he/she also has the obligation to lead. That means that Master must master the art of leading discussions with his/ her slave to produce the desired results - and to avoid allowing the conversation to drift into unproductive areas (areas not supporting the purpose of the discussion). Master may ask the slave many questions about the slave's preferences in a matter, but Master will then fit decisions about those preferences into HIS/HER assessment of overall Family needs.
To facilitate discussions, I like to round out each discussed idea with a 15-20 second position summary. I make a point never to leave a meeting or discussion unless everyone has agreed that the key issues have been addressed to everyone's satisfaction.
Caution: That doesn't mean everyone got what they wanted, it only means that if there is lingering disagreement, everyone has agreed to disagree.
Know what slaves Fear Most
slaves most fear rejection and failure. In most cases that I know of, slaves have made substantial life adjustments and personal sacrifices to be with their Master. They are invested in the relationship. Certainly more than in a vanilla relationship, the slave needs affirmation; the slave needs to know he/she is doing right and makes a difference in your life. Consider leaving little ataboy notes around. Consider being extra thoughtful.
Chapter Summary
Now we're in a Relationship and the question is: "How're you doing?" I made a series of suggestions: know your priorities, plan your future to avoid drifting in the relationship, don't be quick to criticize your slave, give your slave free time to recover from the rigors of the structured relationship, and find ways to catch your slave doing things right, not wrong. I went on to suggest some ways that you could refocus your slave and suggested some approaches to take if you feel your relationship is running into trouble. I also urged you not to ask questions of your slave for which you didn't want answers - to learn to tolerate a certain level of ambiguity in the relationship. I also suggested that you learn to manage discussions, rather than to allow them to drift freeform into topics that might be unproductive. At the very end, I pointed out that slaves most fear rejection and failure, and that it should take very little external control to obtain the goals and objectives your slave has agreed to by virtue of being your slave.
I hope you have enjoyed reading this book as much as I have enjoyed writing it. While living it, I've also been studying this form of structured relationship for a number of years, reading widely in what literature I could find and attending M/s conferences that offered instructive seminars. I have learned a great deal by watching others work through their own relationship issues - and I am constantly striving to find ways to improve my own working relations with my slave.
I am interested in your reactions to this book. Please feel free to contact me. Contact information appears on the last page.
There is always a first meeting. Even if the two of you have met casually at a kinky event, there will always be a first time to meet to discuss possible play. This appendix is about the way you go about setting up that first meeting. And possibly that second meeting.
A safe call is a prearranged agreement with an outside party whose job it is to call the police and/or get help if they don't hear from you by a particular time when you are meeting socially - playing - for the first time with someone you don't know. Often, it is used for second or third meetings as well - or until you feel you know this person reasonably well. This procedure can be used by anyone whether they are new to the BDSM scene or a well-seasoned veteran. There is a place for it even in the Vanilla world. Whenever you use a safe call, be sure that the person you intend to meet knows that you are using this procedure. Not only is deterrence an important aspect of the safe call, it would be impolite for you to meet someone for the first time and - without letting the person know you're using these procedures - have to say: "Excuse me, I have to make my safe call right now."
Typically, a slave/submissive/bottom sets up the safe call, although a Dom/Master/Top may arrange them as well. Actually, either party can set up their own separate safe calls. You gather enough non-changable personal contact information to be sure that the person can be found, if need be, and deliver it to a third party. You then set a time by which the thir
d party must be contacted. If the call isn't made, then the third party calls the police, tells them that you might have been taken captive, and gives them the pertinent information.
There are a few more details to a safe call. First, the caller typically has a non-obvious phrase or password to indicate that they are safe. This way, even if they end up being held hostage and are forced to make the safe call, they can still alert the third party. Second, the caller lets their prospective date know that a safe call has been arranged. The only thing that the prospective date should know is at what time the call needs to be made. (Be careful, time flies when playing. Set an alarm on your cell phone to remind you.) It should raise a red flag if the prospective date presses for more information and/or tries to dissuade you from setting up the safe call. An ethical person won't mind having a safe call in place - but remember: you must have notified your play partner that you're using safe call procedures. Third, you should plan to arrive in a separate vehicle at least 15 minutes early so that you can park and get to the meeting place before your prospective date. You don't want this person to be able to identify your car or vehicle license number. Similarly, you should watch this person leave the area before you approach your car to depart.
Basic information is:
• Name and physical description of the person
• Drivers license number (you should have your prospective date fax you a copy of the DL - how do you know it is a valid DL number?)
• Phone number where you will be meeting or playing
• Address where you will be meeting and/or playing (Playing is not recommended for the first meeting.)
• Type of location - home, restaurant, etc.
• When the safe call should be made (When meeting and leaving? Every hour on the hour with only five minutes of grace period? etc.)
• A non-obvious phrase to indicate that you are safe (e.g.: "Okay, then put on your pajamas and watch a video, I don't care." Means you're safe.)
• Any pertinent details on the meeting that you have arranged.
Additional safety notes:
• Meet the first time at a restaurant such as IHOPTM that will have multiple cameras scanning the room. If you feel threatened, you can mention these cameras to the person you're meeting.
• The first time you play (or maybe even the first few times you play), avoid doing anything that may leave you unable to escape. This would include bondage activities, getting into anyone else's car, and so forth. You can save that type of fun for a later date.
• In this day of Caller ID, submissives, in particular, may have worries about talking on the phone with a Dom before they're ready to exchange names, addresses, and phone numbers (particularly when they have a listed phone number). If someone gives you a phone number and requests that you call, has Caller ID, and you don't block your phone number from being transmitted, he or she may be able to obtain more information about you than you could believe.
• However, your local phone company may allow you to block the transmission of your phone number to the next phone number (ONLY the next phone number) that you dial. Dialing *67 accomplishes that where I live. Try it out first with someone you trust, or check for the details about how your phone company does this in your local phone book. It may not be available everywhere.
Over the past few years, weekend conferences have evolved that feature Master/slave relations over BDSM activities. Concurently, there are competitions held at these conferences for Master/ slave titles that represent specifiic regions. In order to compete for the International Master/slave title, you first have to win a regional title, then compete again at Southplains Leatherfest in Dallas in February. Here are the related website links.
"Feeder" Conferences
[Note: conferences are listed in order of occurrence after Southplains in February. Thus, the Southwest conference appears last because it occurs in January - at the end of the competition cycle for the previous year.]
• Northeast (Washington, D.C., July)
• Great Lakes (Indianapolis, August)
• Northwest (San Jose, CA, TBA)
[Note, this is a new member of the M/s contest community. Their participation was announced at Southplains in 2006, and, at this writing, their website does not mention the regional conference.)
• Southeast (Charlotte, N.C., October)
[Note - this event will not be held in 2006; check their website for updates.
• Southwest (Phoenix, January)
Culminating Event
International Master/slave Conference (Dallas, February)
Important Link
This link will enable you to identify all these websites at one time and also gives the names of current and past titleholders. Excellent historical site.
Dr. Rubel is an educational sociologist and researcher by training. Immediately after college, he taught high school English in South-Central Los Angeles. Returning to graduate school, he earned an EdM (Boston University) and PhD (University of Wisconsin) in the area of crime prevention in public schools. After serving a stint as a Visiting Fellow at the U.S. Department of Justice, he formed a 501(c)(3) that specialized in crime prevention in public schools. He ran that firm for 17 years. During part of that period, he also was a founding member of the American Association of Woodturners, which he also ran for its first three years of existence. In his mid-40s, Bob decided to change careers utterly and joined a stock brokerage and future brokerage firm in Washington, DC. Within six months, he was made a Principal of the futures brokerage side of the firm and five months later was named CEO. He ran the company for four years. Upon the request of a close friend, Dr. Rubel returned to Austin to help this person start a new company. He worked as the corporate operations officer for five years, and then retired to pursue his passion as an erotic and fetish art photographer.
Robert (Bob) Rubel has been involved in the BDSM scene for a number of years, throwing himself into the literature of the field as though it were an academic study. He frequently attends BDSM weekend conferences. Within his local community, Robert (who is also known as "Corwin", the erotic and fetish photographer - www.photosbycorwin.com) has served the BDSM community in the following ways: Board Member of NLA-Austin, Council Member of SAADE (School for Advanced American Dominant Education) and Director of SAADE's Special Interest Group for Master/slave relations. He served for two years as part of the Leadership Core of the Austin Mentors Program where he taught fire play and M/s relations.
Robert's books include-
0 Protocols: Handbook for the female slave (2006)
• Protocol Theory slave: and Leather the for Handbook Practice (2006)
• Flames Play Fire Erotic of Handbook Passion: of (2006 with David Walker)
Three books of erotic and fetish photography:
• Parts: Photographic Erotic Art of Robert J. Rubel. The PhD (2006)
• Wholes: Photographic Erotic Art of Robert J. The Rubel. PhD (2006)
• Photographic Erotic Art of Robert J. Rubel. The Holes: PhD (2006)
To purchase any of these books, or to learn about presentations offered by Dr. Rubel, please see: www.RubelPresents.com. Links on the "Books" page will tie you back to Amazon.
To view Dr. Rubel's erotic and fetish photography, see:
To view Dr. Rubel's nature photography, see:
To contact Dr. Rubel, use: [email protected]. In the subject line, say: Book Contact (this will cause your e-mail to bypass the spam filter).
While not a licensed therapist, Dr. Rubel is also available to provide informed guidance about your own M/s relationship. If contacting him for that purpose, please put the phrase "M/s Question" in the subject line.
Other Books by Robert Rubel
Academic Books:
The Unruly disruptions disorders, and crime. School: Robert J. Rubel (D.C. Heath and Company: Lexington, Massachusetts) 1977.
Violence and Crime in the Schools. Keith Baker and Robert J. Rubel (eds.) (D.C. Heath an
d Company: Lexington, Massachusetts) 1980.
Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice Page 14
