“Miss, are you all right?” Officer Sherman asked.
Words escaped her. She wanted to scream that no, she wasn’t all right, but something strange was happening inside her. The ability to speak was gone. Her face grew hot. She wondered if she was having a panic attack, but had never experienced one before and had nothing to compare it to.
Or maybe you’re feeling shame. Embarrassment for being so foolish with that son of a bitch. For letting him dupe you. It’s what rape victims feel, isn’t it? Like it was their fault? That they have something to feel ashamed about?
“No, shut up!”
“Excuse me?” Officer Sherman said, snapping Amber out of her internal argument.
“Sorry, I wasn’t talking to you,” she said, her eyes becoming more accustomed to the bright lights.
She wasn’t right yet though, and she needed to be. She needed her anger back. Needed the distain and hatred she had for Rex. No, not only for Rex, but for those fucking bitches—Turtle, Dopey, Lollipop and especially Big Bird. Fuck them all. But fuck Rex the most.
YOU DID FUCK HIM, STUPID.
No, I didn’t. Stop saying awful things.
Talking to herself in her mind was, to put it simply, scary. But if she needed to do it, she would. Maybe it was the best way her mind knew how to deal with what had happened to her.
The security guard was staring at her. But fuck him, too. She was working something out.
Rex had to pay.
Yes, he does. What do you want to do to him?
Slowly cut off his penis using a rusty, dull metal nail file, she thought.
That sounds awesome.
Then I’d pluck each testicle off with pliers and listen to his screams. Watch him say how sorry he was and have him admit what he did. Make him beg for me to stop, which was more than he allowed me to do.
“Miss, I’m going to ask—”
“I was raped,” she blurted, nostrils flared, hot breath coming forth like a dragon’s. “I was raped. Raped. Raped.” She was breathing fast now and on the verge of a mental breakdown.
The man’s eyebrows rose.
“Don’t look so surprised,” Amber shouted and slapped the countertop. “I’m sure plenty of girls have been raped on this campus before.”
“Miss, I need you to calm down.” He held out his meaty hands.
Amber sucked in a long breath. “I’m sorry. I just… Could you please call the police for me?”
“When did the alleged rape occur?”
“There’s nothing to allege. It happened.”
“Okay, what time did it happen?”
“About an hour ago.” She really wasn’t sure how much time had passed.
The man chewed on his lower lip. He appeared to be studying her.
“What?”
“You don’t look like you were just raped.”
Amber’s jaw fell. She stared at him. “I don’t look like I was just raped? What the hell does that mean?”
“You smell like a brewery and I see no signs of a struggle. No scratches, bruises and no ripped clothing. Your hair isn’t even messed up.”
Amber shook her head. “Am I in some kind of idiot land?”
“Calm down.”
“Fuck you. I was just raped. Raped by a frat boy hot shot frat boy named Rex Warchester. Did you hear me, asshole? Do you understand what happened to me? I shouldn’t need to come in here and get the third degree from you. Treated like I’m some liar. Now pick up your fucking phone and call the cops.”
Officer Sherman sighed, then came around the counter.
Amber took a step back.
“I’m not going to hurt you.” He motioned to the couch behind her. “Please, have a seat. There are a few things I need to go over with you before I call the cops.”
“Like what?”
“Please. Sit.”
Amber went over to the couch and plopped onto it. “This is ridiculous.”
Sherman sat a cushion away, his fingers intertwined on his lap. “I realize you are hurting and upset. It’s completely understandable.”
Amber was ready to explode. First the girls didn’t help her. Now this guy was treating her like—
Like a lying whore.
“I’m not a lying whore,” Amber said.
“I never said you were,” the security guard said.
Amber flinched, confused for a moment. She refocused on the security officer. “You’re acting like someone stole my lunch money.” She sprang to her feet and hurried over to the counter. “Hello? Is anyone back there?”
“There’s no one else here.”
“Then I’ll wait until someone shows up.”
The guy went on talking, and as much as she didn’t want to listen, she did. He repeated many of the things Big Bird had said. He explained that it was going to be a long, almost impossible task to get Rex convicted. And even if he was arrested, he’d be released the next day. If he was found innocent and she went around claiming he raped her, she’d have a defamation suit on her hands. Security guard Sherman said he knew Rex. The spoiled brat had lawyers up the wazoo, and had used them more than a couple of times to get him out of trouble. What that trouble was the man didn’t say. But everyone that had messed with him paid the price and wound up the loser. The kid was bad news and best to keep away from.
Amber didn’t care about any of what she had heard. She only wanted to know one thing. “How many times has he been accused of rape?”
“None that I know of.”
“I’m the first?” Amber asked in disbelief.
“Yup.”
It couldn’t be true. Not for someone like Rex. He was clearly a planner. A devious fucker who deserved what he had coming. Her anger increased at the thought of the uphill battle ahead. She should have done more when she was in the room. Scratching him wasn’t enough. She should have really tried to attack him, trash his room. Burn it down.
But then you wouldn’t look like a victim, would you?
No, she wouldn’t, she knew.
And you forgot to take the come-drenched paper towels. So you better hope you don’t taint or lose whatever DNA is under your nails.
“Damn it.”
“Miss, are you with me?” Security Guard Sherman asked.
She’d gone somewhere again. Down a road that she knew would lead to Losing-it-ville. She couldn’t allow that to happen. Couldn’t let Rex have power over her.
Taking deep breaths, she said, “I’m with you.” Then added, “I’m fine, too,” though she was far from it.
The security guard stood and went back to his post behind the counter. “Forget about all that stuff I talked about. What matters is you, and are you really prepared to take the stand in a trial and be made out to be a dirty, money-grubbing slut? Have his team of investigators dig up your past? They’ll drag your name through the mud until your name is nothing but trouble. It’s happened to others and you can bet it’ll happen to you. The best thing you can do is move on. Stay away from the wealthy prick.”
As quickly as Amber’s rage had come to a boil it faded like a bad dream. She had heard too much of the same thing, as if she were the crazy one. Was she wrong in wanting to go to the police? Would it be a huge mistake? She didn’t think so. Big Bird and Turtle had their reasons, but what was the security guard’s? Was he truly looking out for her? Had he seen this happen so many times before? Or was he hoping to avoid a school scandal? He’d said she’d been the first to claim rape, but that had to be a lie.
For the first time since her rape, Amber had doubts about going to the police. She wondered if they would try and talk her out of pressing charges once they heard the situation. It certainly didn’t seem likely, but she also didn’t think it was likely that she’d be raped tonight.
Besides what you’ve seen on television and in movies—like your precious Lifetime Channel shit—what do you really know about going to court and proving rape? Aren’t women always made to look like lying whores? Sure, sometimes they win a case,
but that’s only because it’s a goddamn movie. In real life, YOUR LIFE, you'll lose. You’ll be laughed at, never hired, spit on, and have to move far away where no one knows you. You’ll either be the victim or the liar for the rest of your life. You can’t win even if you do win.
Amber closed her eyes. She wanted to scream, and wondered why was she talking to herself like this. She needed to be strong.
Your parents will know you’re a slut. Your entire family will know. What will they think? Your friends will abandon you. The ones that stay will always look at you with pity.
“Fuck!”
Frustration filled Amber. Her hands became fists. She needed to explode, to hit something that would break. She wasn’t breathing. Then she exhaled and let out a groan. Focusing, she saw the guard, his expression one of concern. Her legs were shaking. A light-headedness was coming over her. The guard moved out of her field of vision. The room was disappearing. Her legs suddenly weren’t there anymore and she collapsed.
Someone caught her before she hit the floor. Looking up, she saw Security Guard Sherman’s face.
Her strength returned as if she’d been shot with adrenaline. “Let go of me NOW!” Amber struggled away as the man helped her to an upright position. Free of his grasp, she stared at him. The man had hands out defensively. Suddenly she realized it was too warm in the office. She had to get outside.
“I’m sorry,” she said and bolted for the door.
“Miss, where are you going?”
She ignored him until she reached the door, then held up her right arm and extended her middle finger. After a second or two, she pushed open the door and left.
Cool night air washed over her. The relief wasn’t as great as she’d hoped for, but she’d take it. With her mind reeling, her thoughts a jumbled mess, she meandered like a zombie back to her dorm room.
Her strength was sapped by the time she reached her door and she hoped her roommate wasn’t home. Alone time was essential. She couldn’t take talking to anyone right now.
Reaching for her key, she saw that the doorknob had been busted, the thing dented and loose. Laying a palm against the thick wood, she pushed it open. The room was dark, but she was able to see papers on the floor and a container of lipstick. Reaching along the wall on her left, she found the light switch and flipped it up.
Light bloomed in front of her and she lost her breath. With bulging eyes, she stepped fully into the room. Her laptop had been smashed, the sleek device now a pile of broken plastic and metal on her desk. Papers were strewn about the place like confetti after a parade, along with her makeup, pens, shoes with the heels snapped off and most of her clothing shredded. Fuck Delta Omega Delta had been spray-painted across the wall above her bed. Her roommate’s side of the room was untouched.
She stood there with a hand on the wall, baffled. Someone had obviously trashed her stuff, but why had they written something derogatory about the sorority? Could the two issues be separate? Did they dislike her because she got in and they hadn’t?
Thinking about it, she wondered if, like the security guard, her sorority really was looking out for her. Maybe they really did know best. She was going to need to talk to someone about it. Need support. Hell, for all she knew, they’d all been raped by Rex.
Yeah, that’s it. It’s a sick and twisted initiation. The Raped-By-Rex Hazing ritual. What better way to unite a group of spoiled-ass bitches?
“You’re right,” she said to herself. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Excuse me,” a male’s voice said from behind her.
Amber jumped and spun around, claws out and ready to attack. A stocky Asian man wearing campus security attire stood a few feet away. His name tag read Officer Chang. Another security guard stood next to him, only he was at least two feet taller and wore no name plate.
“Do you live here?” Officer Chang asked.
She nodded, still trying to catch her breath. As she stared from Chang to the tall man, she wondered why campus security was at her door. She hadn’t called them. Maybe Officer Sherman had sent them to check on her or to take her statement and cover his ass.
YOU NEVER TOLD HIM YOUR NAME, STUPID! OR WHICH DORM YOU LIVED IN.
“Shit.”
“Excuse me, Miss?” Officer Chang said.
“Sorry, I wasn’t talking to you.”
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on, but we received a call about someone acting crazy and in distress.”
“Acting crazy? No. Distress… Yeah.” Her words sounded far away.
“Are you feeling okay, Miss?”
“My name’s Amber. And I’m just dandy. Can’t you tell? I was raped tonight. No fuss.” She showed her arms and neck. “No bruising, physical anyway. What more could a rape victim ask for?”
Hearing her own words scared her, but it needed to be said. Maybe putting it how she had would garner her some attention.
“Mind if we come in?” Tall asked.
Hadn’t they heard what she said? Why did they want to come in? For what reason other than to—
Be alone with you.
Stop it, whoever you are, she thought, hoping to quiet The Voice.
Maybe you’re a rapist attractor. Men can’t control themselves around you. From now on, you’re going to have to be alert and always, always be around other people. Especially around other women.
No, that wasn’t right. Amber knew better, despite what The Voice had said. Her mind was fucked up and she needed to make sure she didn’t listen to it. The Voice was scary, but it was her, some inner demon that had broken through because of her tragic experience. That’s all.
Her room had been vandalized. That’s why they were there. Someone had heard her room being trashed.
“My room was trashed,” she said, and then stepped aside and let them enter.
●●●
That had been the beginning of the end for Amber’s college career. The sorority had gotten behind Rex and said Amber had been drunk and coming onto him the night of the supposed rape. It was said that Amber had been smitten with Rex for some time, and it was only after the two had hooked up that she found out he was only interested in the one-night stand. That’s when she flipped out and said she would get her revenge on him by claiming he had raped her. When she found out that the sorority would not back her story, she tried to get them in trouble by trashing her own room and blaming it on them. Thanks to a witness, Amber’s credibility was crushed.
With Rex and the sorority girls both telling the same story, Amber was made to appear like a scorned and crazy woman. After speaking with a lawyer, Amber was informed that she could still press charges, but more than likely nothing would come of it except for defamation charges brought against her by Rex.
Amber also had to pay for the damages to her room, was suspended and put on behavioral probation. Word spread quickly around campus. She became a pariah in days. Faculty and students from all grades knew her thanks to social media. She was constantly harassed by strangers, but especially by sorority and fraternity members.
Unable to deal with the unending flurry of negativity and failing most of her classes, she left school. She informed her parents of her decision, saying that college just wasn’t right for her. Thankfully, the school was a four-hour drive away and no one from her town discovered what had happened to her. Her parents didn’t understand it when she said she wanted to work, save up and take some time on deciding what her future held, but they respected her decision. She was able to get a waitressing job thirty minutes away from her house in the town of Ithaca.
She often thought about telling her parents everything, but could never do it. Nothing good would come of it and she’d only become a spectacle in her own home. They would push her to press charges, not understanding everything that was involved—all the bullshit lies against her. None of it mattered. Not really. The moment she showered after the rape was the moment her case went down the drain. Sometimes it was best to leave the past in the past no matter how horribl
e it was and move forward.
As difficult as it was, she moved on, taking it one day at a time. She focused on work and on her younger brother, Jason. The two were close despite their age difference. His tendency to be different—a bit odd to be specific—and extremely bright made her love him even more.
Chapter Fifteen
When Amber came home from college, Jason could tell something was wrong with her. She hadn’t said anything in particular to him, but she didn’t have to. It wasn't just hearing her crying at night, she had a sadness about her. Her normally bright eyes were dull despite her smile, the same type of smile his mom produced when she had a headache and had to deal with a stranger at the grocery store or some kind of technician that came to the house to take care of one thing or another. Or like when she forced a smile every time his dad made a joke.
A week’s time had passed before he finally saw her genuine smile. A little bit of light shone back in her eyes. It was when he finished building his remote-controlled drone and was ready to launch it. They had gone outside together. Amber laughed with him as it flew into the air.
Even at eleven-years-old, Jason could read body language and get a sense of a person’s mood. This was truer for females, especially teenagers. He guessed it was due to his being close to his sister and her friends. But besides first hand accounts, he’d loved to read and did so about the opposite gender, wanting to understand his sister further, like how females’ emotions could be at their most erratic during their menstrual cycles. At first, he’d thought that was the reason for Amber’s distraught and faux appearance, but quickly came to realize that was not the case. To put it simply: she looked off. Somehow older. Wounded.
He wasn’t one to shy away from family—but strangers, yes—so he came right out and asked her if something was wrong. “Adult girl stuff, that’s all,” she said. He didn’t pry, but he also didn’t believe her. He also hadn’t believed her when she told their mom and dad why she left school. Amber had been an A student for the most part, and had been looking forward to going to college since tenth grade. He wasn’t equipped to handle such problems, if they were indeed adult female related, so he let it go and decided to do what he could to cheer her up. He did things like ask her for help even though he didn’t need it, and ask for advice on social issues with classmates—stuff he truly didn’t quite grasp—like when Barry Stewart asked if he could cheat off him. Of course, Jason didn’t want him to, but also didn’t want to come off in a negative way and be bullied. Amber told him to go to his teacher, tell him to make sure no one cheated off him. He didn’t give a name. When Barry was caught looking, the teacher told Barry to keep his eyes on his own paper. Barry wasn’t the wiser to Jason’s informing the teacher and that was that.
Episodes of Violence Page 10
