It used to bother me. I used to have to pop a pill once in a while, but I feel like I have too much to live for now. I’ve come too far, and I’m trying to get better on my own by keeping my mind constantly occupied.
James and I aren’t broken. I’m relieved he decided to work on us, but we still need to work on the one thing that matters the most to me. I won’t let it go. I just can’t. Or maybe I need to let him go to have my dream. It’s funny to think that meeting him six years ago was my dream, but six years later, I feel like I have to give up another. Life can be so unfair and fickle.
Ten minutes later, I pull into town and park in front of the yoga studio and head over to the liquor store to pick up several bottles of wine and window shop for something to wear to surprise James when he gets home.
With my hour almost up, I bypass The Mint Julep, a local lingerie shop, since James decided me wearing nothing is the way to go. I can always throw on some black stiletto heels to tease him.
Smiling, I drag my gaze to the park filled with children across the street. What greets my eyes shocks me to the core and makes the blood drain from my face, causing a wave of vertigo to slam into me head-on. My vision tunnels until all I see is my husband’s hand on the thigh of another woman in a short white sundress laughing at something he said. My heart lurches to my throat so quickly I feel like I’m going to faint.
A part of me dies in this minute. The air is being vacuumed out of my lungs as I stop in the middle of the street, barely avoiding an oncoming car. I quickly dash to my car, my eyes never straying from James or from her.
Who is she?
It’s like watching a horrible accident. One wrong action or situation can pollute what you’ve always dreamed of as being perfect. But, that’s the trouble with dreams. They’re only an escape from reality. Once you’re high on this illusion, life delivers something like this, destroying everything. Every action has a consequence. It doesn’t matter if you try to run and hide. It will eventually catch up to you. Doesn’t my fucking husband understand that?
Fighting back hot tears, I fumble for my keys. Finally managing to unlock the door, I throw myself inside as my phone alerts me of an incoming text. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to do anything. But I do. Peering at the phone, I notice James has sent me a text, informing me that he’s going to be an hour late.
I wonder why.
Flicking my eyes back to him, I watch as he places his phone onto the bench beside him as if I were a second thought.
Is this my worst nightmare coming true? Is James really cheating on me?
After a few seconds of taking calm breaths, I pick up the phone and blindly tap away a message as manic laughter bubbles up from my throat and burning tears blanket my eyes.
Me: I hope Michael is not kicking your ass again.
My heart picks up, and my nails dig into my palm.
Am I going crazy?
No, this hurts. It hurts tremendously. Not like ripping your heart out hurt, but more like tearing out your soul, destroying and setting fire to all your dreams, bulldozing and burying them underneath the debris and rubble.
I need stop being weak. I need to find my own strength. Will I?
I swallow back bile while waiting for his reply, scrutinizing him as he picks up the phone while his blonde friend touches his arm as if asking whom it is.
“It’s his wife, bitch,” I hiss under my breath.
No need to panic.
Don’t do anything. Just wait.
I have to get calm, handle the situation constructively. I force myself to count to ten. Something that Natalie taught me.
One...Two...
My phone dings.
James: Just having a couple of beers with Michael.
My fingers are clutching my phone so tightly I can barely type out my reply.
Me: I’ll be waiting.
I glance up at him. He’s actually smiling as he types out his message to me. My phone beeps. I look down.
James: I’ll be coming. ;) Be ready for me.
Me: Always am. ;)
Sarcasm drips from my responses, but only I know that. It seems like as of this moment, I know some things James doesn’t want me to know.
With a manic smile, I calmly place my phone onto the dashboard and take a deep breath, even though I feel like smashing something.
What am I going to do? What am I going to say?
It could be nothing. I can’t fault James, can I? When I’ve been fantasizing about another man I just met? Does he feel the same attraction for her like I feel when I see or touch Mason? Will he act on it? Will I ever? I shake the thoughts away like a bad dream, which has become my marriage. Could it be true?
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
I need to do something, but what? I don’t want James to think I’m spying on him or that I don’t trust him. I’m just running an errand when I happen upon him talking to a woman when he should be playing golf, when he should be on his way home to me.
Will I? Can I? So we can fuck like the strangers we secretly desire?
Is that what that is? Do I want to be with someone else?
My eyes dart frantically around my car when I notice my camera sitting on the passenger side floor. A Christmas gift from James, it’s a top of the line Nikon D4S. How ironic that I’ll be using his gift to catch him in the act. Without a second thought, I unpack it and remove the lens cover to capture this moment, a keepsake for me. Perhaps this will inspire me to confront him or her or both of them. I snap picture after picture, each second, each touch, and each smile. It drives me insane watching my husband acting this way with another woman. I drop the camera to the seat when I’ve had enough of the petting and the flirtatious laughter.
Tears sting my eyes as I grab a bottle of wine and open it with my new bottle opener. I can’t wait to drown my sorrows and forget what I just saw.
Is it her?
Is she the one that keeps coming back? The one he keeps going back to? I can’t remember since I’ve only seen her profile and her long blonde hair. It could be, but will I ever know? Will James ever tell me? I pull the cork and take a sip of Shiraz, and for the moment, I get lost in the taste of the wine.
I wish I knew where her car was so I could slash her tires or maybe scratch a message across the hood with my bottle opener. Shaking my head, I refuse to think about him with her and take another gulp before I start the car to leave. I drive away from town slow enough to piss off a male driver so that he lays on his horn. If I keep this up, I’m going to be known as the crazy bitch that doesn’t abide traffic laws, but I don’t care.
“Honk all you want, asshole,” I rage as I roll down my window and flip him off.
You would feel the same way if you caught your wife with another man.
I don’t want to go home, but where can I go? I fight back the tears and head away from Destiny Lane, searching for a place that doesn’t remind me of how angry and deceived I feel right now.
Reclining my shoulder against the doorframe with a fresh bouquet of lilies behind my back, I watch Lily delve through her toy box and pull out a frilly pink dress. I was invited for some tea and ice cream after a long day of work by a little angel. I can’t think of a better way to spend the night. This little girl is my light.
“Do you need help with that, pumpkin?” I chuckle as I watch her brown curls disappear under the dress as I make my way to her.
“No,” she replies, the fabric muffling her voice as I take a seat at the white table set up for tea with her pink ceramic tea set Cindy bought for her.
“Are you sure about that?”
“I’m almost four, remember? I’m a big girl. See.”I witness her head finally pop through the neck of the dress while she wiggles her arms through the openings.
“Yes, baby. You’re a big girl.”
“This is my favorite dress.” She twirls around in the floor-length gown with puffy sleeves. She bows at the waist before she goes to her toy box and pul
ls out her crown embellished with pink and purple crystals and sets it on top of her head.
“Why is that?”
“It’s pink.”
“Pink looks beautiful on you.”
“Was pink Mommy’s favorite color?” she sits down across from me, picks up the teakettle, and pretends to pour us both a cup of tea.
“Yes, pink was her favorite color,” I say. “Do you know what her favorite flower was?”
“Of course I do.” She puts down the teakettle and picks up her cup, taking a pretend sip. “Me. Lily. Lilies are her favorite.”
“Well…today is your lucky day,” I say, pulling the lilies from behind my back.
“Thank you. You’re my prince today. Prince Mason.” She giggles.
“You’re my princess, baby. You’ll always be my princess.”
We sit in her room as the sun begins to melt in the sky, drinking our fairy-tale tea and eating our real chocolate ice cream. Looking down at the tiny teacup and the lilies in front of me, I realize there’s only so much we can tell her about her mom and only so many pictures we can share. She didn’t come into this world alone; she was not lost, but she will never have the connection kids have with their parents. I’m doing my best, but I still get angry knowing this little girl was cheated. She is ours, but I want to go a step further, possibly make it legal and adopt her. I want to make her mine so there’s no question whom she belongs to. The time feels right. I think I need to call Dana soon and get the ball rolling. As a paralegal, she should be able to help me find a good attorney.
The knock at the front door comes around nine-thirty after I tuck Lily into bed, and I’m ready to head home. This is my night off from the Bull and Bear. Cindy is doing me a favor and managing the bar for me tonight. I quizzically look over at Mom reading on her Kindle and ask, “Were you expecting someone?” Before she answers, I get up from the couch and cross the living room to the front door.
“No, not at this time.”
I swing open the door and turn on the porch light. My eyes adjust to the darkness to make out a guy about two inches shorter than me wearing a baseball hat and staring down at his feet so that I’m unable to make out his face.
“Can I help you?”
“Sorry to bother you, but I’m here to see Lily.”
“Who is it, Mason?” My mom calls from the living room.
Who the fuck would be coming around this time looking for my four-year-old niece?
I look over my shoulder and back at my mom. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, but who the hell are you?” I turn my attention back to him.
“Cole.” His name slices through the air like a pickax to my heart.
A chill shoots through my vein as he pulls the hat off his head, unmasking his face with a few days’ scruff, as his black shaggy hair tumbles over his green eyes. He looks beat with dark circles under his eyes, and his T-shirt and jeans are wrinkled like he was sleeping in them. Our eyes connect for this first time in years. I recognize the man that got my sister pregnant and then left her.
“Mom, it’s for me. I’ll be right back,” I reply, trying to keep my voice composed. I quickly slip outside and quietly close the door behind me and shift my attention and growing rage toward Lily’s father. He doesn’t fucking deserve that title. “I know who you are,” I say through clenched teeth, standing eye to eye with him. “You’re the asshole that abandoned my pregnant sister. What the fuck do you want?”
“I want to see Lily.”
My blood boils out of control. I weigh my response, sensing that shit’s about to get tense fast, because I don’t fuck around when it comes to my sister or Lily.
“You think you can fucking show up out of the blue after four fucking years and ask to see my niece?”
“Yeah,” He braces himself, balling his fists at his sides.
“You didn’t even come to her funeral. You think I’m going to let you fucking slip into my niece’s life, just like you slipped out of Meadow’s?”
“No, I wanted to attend Meadow’s funeral, but I knew you hated me after I left her. I figured you’d be fucking pissed, and I didn’t want to make an already hard day fucking harder for everyone. I loved your sister. I did, man. I just...” He lowers his head and sucks in a few deep breaths. “I just wasn’t ready. When she told me she was pregnant, I fucking...” he trails off and looks away. “I was fucking scared.”
“How do you think my sister felt when your sorry ass disappeared?” I vibrated, my attention dropping to my hands as I try to calm myself. “My sister didn’t deserve that. She loved you. I don’t know what the hell she saw in you, but she did.”
“There are things you don’t know about your sister and me.” He shoves his hand into his pocket and shakes his head slightly.
“I don’t want to know what was, man. This is about now, about my niece, and about making sure her life remains the same. No chaos and no bullshit now that you want to show your face. I’ve invested four years of my life to make sure her life is as perfect as it can be. I’m not going to have you come along and fuck it all up.”
“I’m sorry about what I did to your sister, but I’m not here to screw anything up. That’s not what I came back for.”
“How do you know my niece’s name?” I ask, ready to lay his ass out.
“Meadow told me that if she was going to have a girl...” he chokes. “She was going to name her Lily.”
Anger pings around in my chest. My head’s a tilt-a-whirl of thoughts as I try to put this all together. Mom told me this could happen, and here it is. Here he is, staring me in the face.
Fuck! Why fucking now?
“You can’t see her. Not now. Not like this.”
He looks at me through eyes filled with raw, unbridled hurt. I glance over at the car sitting in the driveway and notice someone inside it. I wonder if he dragged his fiancée out here for the festivities, but I don’t give a shit about any of that. I just want this fucker off my mom’s front porch.
“You’re not her father,” he counters. His face twists into a scowl.
“Did you ever think about what it would do to her?”
“Yeah, I thought about it, but she doesn’t need to know who I am. You can say I’m a friend...something. I just need to see her.”
I can’t even believe I’m fucking entertaining this, but I’m thinking about my niece. I pull in a deep breath before I answer in an even tone. “How long are you in town?”
“Indefinitely,” he says, glancing over at the car and back at me. “I got in yesterday, and I’ll be staying with my brother.”
“Well...” I love Lily with every part of my heart, and what I’m about to do is for her. I hope this asshole doesn’t make me regret it. “We’re having her fourth birthday party here. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, because you don’t deserve to be in the same room with her. Just know I’m not doing this for fucking you, man. I’m doing this for Lily. She needs to know at some point who her father is. I’m not sure the best way to do this, but this is a start. Just don’t fuck it up or say anything stupid.” I turn to go back inside.
“I just need to talk to her. I won’t fuck this up.”
“I know you won’t, because you’ve got Micah and me to contend with. As far as fathers go, we have filled that role. All she’s known is this family here.” I wave my hand toward the house. “You weren’t part of the plan or her future.” I drive my point home with a cold edge to my voice.
He lowers his head, lacing his fingers behind his head. Silence stretches between us for several moments before Cole’s voice breaks through the still air. “I’m really glad for everything you’ve done.”
“I want Lily to have the best life possible. You’re going to have to prove yourself. You took off as soon as things got tough with my sister. Lily deserves better than that, and she’s gotten that from us. I swear, if you slip up just once, you’re fucking out.”
“I got it, man,” he mutters under his breath as he turns to leave. “July
fourth then?”
“Yeah,” I open the door with my eyes still on him, watching as he ambles back to the souped-up black Chevy Impala with silver rims. He’s always had a thing for fucking cars. I just hope someday soon he fucking grows up and learns that being a father takes a lot of work, and it’s not all going to happen overnight. The roar of the car and the crunch of gravel tell me he’s gone and that Lily is safe. I close the door with a soft click and turn toward my mom sitting on the couch and eyeing me.
“You heard?” I ask in a low voice.
“A little bit. Your voice tends to carry when you get a little angry,” she says with a touch of sadness in her voice.
“He’s back. Like you said. He’s back for Lily.”
“I know it hurts you. It hurts me, too. It scares me.” She blinks back tears. “But there’s nothing you can do to stop him from seeing her. Meadow would have wanted this either way.” A ghost of a smile touches her lips at the mention of Meadow as I plop down on the couch next to her.
“I know.”
“What you did took a lot of strength, Mason. You have to understand how he feels.” She places a hand on my arm, her expression melancholy.
“I can’t.” I try to breathe, but the desperation I feel is unbearable. This came completely from left field, and now I have a lot of grass to cover. Things I didn’t think I had to deal with and decisions I need to make are now banging at my door. I shift to look at her and see her eyes glistening with tears.
After a few moments, she says, “I know how much you love her and how happy she makes you, but you don’t know what Cole wants. You giving him the chance to see her is enough for now. I don’t know what else to tell you, baby. I don’t want anything to change; things are perfect right now. She’s happy, and she has everything she needs. Let’s see how things go. When we look back at this, Lily will thank you for letting her meet her father.”
“I hope so.”
After returning home, I grab a beer from the fridge, head outside on the deck, and stare across the backyard, watching as fireflies crisscross in the darkness and crickets fill the air with their raspy symphony. A soft breeze blows through the full leafy trees, rustling quietly above me. This seems like heaven, but God knows after seeing Cole and the possible consequence of his return, my life moving forward is going to be hell.
Love Is Louder Page 16
