by LeAnn Ashers
Smiley is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are all products of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Except as permitted under the US Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form, by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system without the prior written permission of the author.
Designer: Regina Wamba
Editor: Stephanie Marshall Ward at Eats, Shoots, Edits
Cover Photographer: Wander Aguiar
Formatter: Brenda Wright, Formatting Done Wright
To my readers, this is for you <3
Table of Contents
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Adeline
I never expected my life to turn out this way. My daughter and I were trapped in the middle of nowhere, living with pimps and drug dealers. Her father was a piece of shit, a piece of shit I was forced into living with as a means of survival.
The moment I hit age eighteen, I’d been kicked out of the house. No money, no belongings, and stuck in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by people who wanted me to be their next whore. I couldn’t do that.
This was selfish of me, but this older guy had been after me for years, and I had nowhere else to go. I knocked on his door, and that’s the worst thing I’ve done in my entire life.
My life was never the same after that. I became the one thing I’d never wanted to be: a prostitute. My life was completely controlled by him. I lived in fear, and I wanted out so bad. I hated him so much—I hated my life. I also became pregnant. And when my daughter was older, around the time she should have started school, he began to scream at her and threaten her.
I would not let that stand; I loved my daughter more than life itself. She deserved more than the life she’d been dealt. She was way too sweet for the world she was living in.
We were two hours outside of civilization. For years I saved up what little I could find; it would be enough to get us into town.
He caught me sneaking out of the house with my daughter. Alisha ran away and hid, and I took the brunt of it. Then he did the unthinkable. He injected me with drugs, and I became someone I never thought I would be. My life was taken away. He would pump so many drugs into me that I couldn’t even tell you my name. Years of my life were gone in a split second.
I saw my daughter in glimpses of memory throughout the years. I wanted to reach out to her, but he would see the moment of clarity in my eyes and jab me with a needle—then I was gone again.
I overdosed so many times, and afterward I wished I had died. I was worthless, the worst mother in the whole world, because I had abandoned my daughter when I should have taken care of her. Eventually she grew up, but she was still trapped in this life.
Now I am staring at his body. He is dead, with a bullet right between his eyes. He has been dead a couple of days, and I am finally conscious enough to realize it. Pain is the first thing I feel, and the next thing is a fluttering in my chest. Hope. Pushing myself off the floor, I walk into the kitchen and check the place where I hid money oh so long ago.
Opening the cabinet, I see the money is still there. I press my hand to my mouth, crying. Crying for the first time in so long, because I am free. But Alisha is gone.
I am going to get help and get myself back to the person I used to be. Then I am going to find my daughter, if it’s the last thing I ever do.
Adeline
One and a Half Years Later
When I walk into Alisha’s house, she is sitting on the couch with her twin babies. Her husband Techy, whose real name is Jordan, is sitting with them, doting on the twins. Alisha and Techy met online, and he took her away from a hopeless situation—and Techy and his group killed my husband.
I don’t even want to say his name, the thought of him sickens me so much.
From the moment I met Techy, I’ve been so happy that my daughter knows what a real man is, and what real love is. I am so happy for her.
“Hey Mom, right on time.” Alisha gives me her blinding smile, which reaches her eyes. For years I never saw that.
I smile back at her. I reach down and take a baby from her, smothering her in kisses. I have basically taken over the role of grandmother to every single member of the Devil Souls MC.
The MC has become a huge part of my family. In the beginning they were very wary of me. After all, the past couple of years had been hell. I was barely down from my high, and I couldn’t remember much of my past. I did everything I possibly could to gain their trust and, over time, I did. I babysit their kids when they want a night out. I am the person they call if they are sick and need someone to help take care of them.
After missing so much of Alisha’s life, I’ve done everything I can to be integrated into every part of her world. I have become exactly who I wanted to be.
Alisha, Jordan, and all the other MC members have this love that I never knew could exist. I’d never known men could be this way. For as long as I could remember, every single male in my life had been mean, abusive, and just a horrible person. My dad couldn’t stand me because I was just another mouth to feed.
I want that kind of love more than anything else. I want to feel safe. I want to be so happy with someone that I can barely sit still. I want all of that, and I hope I can have it someday. But the most important thing is that I have my family.
The baby in my arms starts squealing with laughter, and I smile at my precious little Vanessa. Jordan sets the baby boy on the floor, helping Alisha off the couch. “Thank you so much, Ma, for watching the babies.” Jordan smiles and gives me a side hug. He lets me go and Alisha takes his place beside me. “I love you, Mom.”
My heart is filled with happiness. “I love you, baby girl.” I kiss her temple. She kisses both of the babies, and she and Jordan walk out the door.
I sit down, and little Joseph scoots over to the edge of the couch and lifts his arms for me to hold him. “Aww, Gigi’s boy.” I bend down, lifting him up and kissing his chubby cheek as I snuggle him.
They are both the sweetest little babies. I want more kids of my own someday. I want to do it over again. I want to do it right. I want to have a real family, with a husband who truly loves me. But I will never have that, and I will forever carry guilt over what my daughter went through. I wasn’t strong enough to take her out of the situation we were in.
I wish that everything had been different. I wish my life had never gone down the path it did, but the life I have now is something I will be forever grateful for.
My demons haunt me. I am tormented by nightmares, and I’ve slept in the bathtub because the bed made me feel so vulnerable. I panic when strange men touch me in public. I get so paranoid; I expect the worst out of people. I put on a show for my family, but I am broken on the inside. And when I look at myself in the mirror, I am half disgusted by what I see. My body is scarred from my neck down, and I do everything in my power to keep that hidden.
This is my pain to bear; my daughter d
oesn’t need to know any of the hell I went through throughout the years.
My story started out with making a horrible mistake, out of desperation, and being forced to have sex in exchange for food and a roof over my head. But my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. She was my life, and for six years I did everything I possibly could to be the best mother in the whole world. The split second he turned his anger on her, I was going to leave. But he injected me with so many drugs that I am not sure how I am alive. I was comatose. It was my worst nightmare coming true.
“Ba ba.” Joseph breaks me out of my thoughts, pulling on the ends of my hair and giving me a slobbery grin. I run my finger down his cheek, my tear landing on the back of my hand. One day I will be able to breathe freely.
I smile, my heart filled with hope. One day.
Later That Night
I put on a cheerful face for everyone but, on the inside, I just hurt. I am sitting on the edge of the bed, staring the wall. I dread closing my eyes and knowing what I will see.
Something bangs the wall behind my head, my neighbor being a dick again. I close my eyes tightly, trying to be calm and focus on my breathing. Everything is okay, what happened to you is over and you’re a free woman.
But I’m not. I’m afraid the people who still haunt me are alive out there, enjoying their fucked-up lives. One thing I do have to look forward to is babysitting Ryan and Myra’s little girl. This is what I live for—I love kids so much. I run my hands over the blankets covering my hips, trying to soothe my nerves, something that has become a habit over the past couple of months.
When I first got clean, I never had nightmares. But as my mind cleared, horrible memories started to surface.
Stop these thoughts, Adeline! You’re not usually this bad, get over it, I scold myself. I turn over onto my side, my back to the wall, and relax.
I wake up the next morning, my neck hurting from sleeping in a cramped bathtub with only a blanket under me. I sit up, rubbing my face, staring at the faucet. What would it be like to have one full night of sleep? If I see a doctor they will prescribe sleeping pills and, since rehab, I don’t take any drugs stronger than Tylenol.
Gripping the sides of the bathtub, I push my sore and tired body off the bottom of the tub just as there is a knock on my door. My body freezes with absolute terror. My first thought is, He has found me.
But that’s not true; he is dead. I close my eyes, shaking my head, trying to calm myself and my racing heart.
I go to the door after the second knock and peer through the peephole. I let out a huge breath when I see that it’s Techy.
I unlock my many locks and pull the door open. When I see his grim expression, I know that we are going on lockdown. “A down-low lockdown?” I ask. This means there is danger and the club wants to keep everyone close.
He nods, stepping into my apartment and shutting the door behind him. I walk into my bedroom to get some clothes. “Techy, how many days do I need to pack for?” I grab my bag from under my bed.
He doesn’t answer me. I peer out my bedroom door, and I don’t see him. Weird.
I walk out of my room, and he is looking into the bathroom. Please tell me that I remembered to close the shower curtain. I twist my hands behind my back, a nervous habit. He finally looks away from the bathroom. I see sadness in his eyes.
“Adeline, why didn’t you tell me you were struggling?” he says softly.
I sit on the edge of my couch. My stomach is in knots. I never wanted anyone to know that I was anything but okay.
Techy sits down beside me. “Adeline, are you okay?” He stops for a minute, touching my back. “You always seem so happy, like it radiates off of you.”
I look at him. “I am happy around you guys, you make me happy. I don’t want Alisha to think, for one second, that I live with these demons. And I don’t want her to know about the guilt I feel over what she suffered. She doesn’t need that burden.”
Techy shakes his head. “You can’t have this guilt inside of you, Adeline, you were a victim. I know horrible things have happened to you but don’t, for one second, have guilt about Alisha, it was out of your control.”
I lower my head, crying, the pain in my heart easing just a little. I never knew how much I needed to hear those words. It’s like a balm over my heart.
“Thank you, Techy,” I whisper. His arms are tightly around me. “You’re so good to my daughter.”
“I love her, she is my world.”
That brings a smile to my face. My life before all of this was a blur. It didn’t even feel like my life; I was just going through the motions.
“Come, let’s get out of here and to the clubhouse.” Techy helps me off the couch, and I walk into my bedroom. I shut the door behind me, giving me a few seconds to myself.
I look into my vanity mirror and smile at myself. I opened myself up just a little bit. I feel like this is a huge step in the right direction for me.
I feel much lighter after letting him know the guilt I struggle with. Who wouldn’t feel guilty? But I am starting to realize I was a victim too. My life was stolen from me.
Not anymore.
Adeline
The moment I walk into the club, all of the kids look up. One by one they run in my direction, screaming, “Gigi!” They run into my legs and wrap their arms around my waist.
“How are my little babies?” I coo, bending down to give every single one a hug and a kiss on the cheek. They jump up and down, wanting me to pick them up. I’m with these babies almost every single day—they are my life. The only time I let myself have a moment of happiness is when I’m with these kids, but I don’t deserve it. Even though I was out of my mind with drugs, so doped up I had no way of comprehending anything, I still carry guilt over what my daughter suffered.
That will live with me forever.
Kyle, the president of the Devil Souls MC, takes my bag, which is lying on the floor by my feet. “How is Gigi?” he asks, kissing my cheek.
“I am okay, Kyle.”
He laughs and motions for me to follow him, and he sets my bag in a room beside the kids’ rooms.
“Mom?” Alisha says, standing behind me, and I close my eyes.
Please tell me that Techy did not tell her about my breakdown. Kyle touches my shoulder and walks out of the room, leaving me with her. I hear the door click, and I slowly turn and face my daughter. Her eyes are filled with tears. He told her. Why would he do that? She doesn’t need this on her mind.
“Mom, why didn’t you tell me you felt so much guilt?” she whispers, taking a small step forward.
I hang my head; I don’t want to do this.
“Sit down on the bed, Mom, we need to talk.”
I sit on the bed beside her.
“You should not feel one ounce of guilt, Mom. What happened to me is nothing compared to what happened to you. He put so much stuff through your veins that I am not even sure how you’re alive. I went through hell, but you were in hell for years and years. You are just as much as a victim as I am, but more so. You suffered so much. I remember you, Mom, before he came at you. You should not feel the slightest burden of guilt for what happened. I could have been strong too, Mom, and gotten us out. You had horrible things happen to you, and you deserve to be happy and live your life. You may have gotten out of that situation, but you’re still in hell.” She touches my head. “In here.”
It’s like something has been lifted off my chest; my heart lightens. I realize, again, how much I needed to hear these words. “I am starting to remember,” I tell her.
She closes her eyes, turning away from me. “I never wanted you to know what you went through, Mom.” A tear slowly falls down her face.
I smile and pull her to my side. “I am okay, baby. It’ll all be okay.” I kiss the side of her head, and she hugs me back.
I hear a light knock on the door. My grin gets bigger and Alisha laughs. I get up and open the door, and I see all six of my grandkids sitting on the floor waiti
ng for me.
Kyle’s son Greyson stands up first and takes my hand. “Come on, Gigi, let’s make some cookies.” They all swarm me and take me to the kitchen.
I think that it will take a long time for me to be okay with myself —I have many demons to fight—but I know one thing.
One day I will be happy.
All hell breaks loose a couple of hours later. The kids are down for a nap, and Shaylin, Butcher’s woman, bursts into the clubhouse carrying a scared little girl. A bunch of club members are coming in behind her. I catch a few details—someone tried to kidnap her child.
My fingers are immediately itching to take the little girl. Shaylin is the daughter of the ex-president of the Grim Sinners. I have never met him, but I have heard that he is one person you do not want to mess with.
Shaylin’s eyes are wide with fear and anger. “They are after Tiana. Those men are still fucking alive, and I want a piece of them once you bring them here.” Her whole body radiates anger.
The door is almost ripped off its hinges, and Butcher walks in looking massive and scary. “Shaylin!” He inspects Shaylin; she has a cut on her forehead. “Who are they? They are fucking dead.”
Tiana climbs into her father’s arms, and Shaylin follows her into his embrace. I can see the pure bliss and safety she feels in her man’s arms. I am happy that all of these women feel this, that they have this kind of love. I never knew this kind of life existed.
“They were after Tiana,” Shaylin tells Butcher, and he stiffens.
Uh oh.
Shaylin steps back and tells Butcher something I don’t catch. Mind you, I am in the next room with the door open. But you can’t blame me for being nosy.
They walk into the room where I am. “Is Myra here?” Shaylin asks me.
“I can watch her. I watch Mia all of the time,” I inform her. I reach out for Tiana, and Butcher gently lays her in my arms. She is such a beautiful little girl.
She is looking up at me with her large eyes, and I can tell that she is still scared. I sit down on the couch, reach behind me, and grab a small blanket that I bought for Mia, and I wrap it around her. Rocking side to side, I sing to her. I want another baby; I want a baby of my own. Maybe someday I will adopt one. So many kids in this world need a home.
