by T L Swan
I stare at the carpet as a clusterfuck of emotions run through my head, but somehow I stay silent.
I have no words. What do you even say to this?
My blood starts to run cold, as if someone has me on an intravenous ice drip. All the warmth and love I felt for him is being slowly frozen in time.
I can feel it as it happens.
It’s fucking breaking my heart. My nostrils flare as I try to control my tears.
“I left you before because I didn’t want to involve you,” he continues. “I didn’t want to have to lie to you every time I got a new assignment.” He drops to the bed beside me. “I didn’t want you to be at home waiting for me, in case I never made it home.” He gently tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear.
My vision blurs, and the lump in my throat begins to really hurt.
“I did what I had to do, Bridget. I owed the army—they looked after me.”
What the fuck!
I stand up, filled with outrage. “Bullshit. You owe them nothing!” I cry. “What about what you owe me?” I shake my head, as words fail to explain my feelings. “You absolutely broke my heart five years ago—”
“I broke my own, too,” he interrupts as he stands, sensing that he is losing control.
I push him hard in the chest. “You lied to me in the Sydney airport. Just yesterday, you told me you were going home to tie up loose ends, yet you knew you were coming to Prague to kill someone. What would have happened if you’d gotten yourself killed? I wouldn’t even know about it.”
“Yes, you would. You would be the first to know,” he fires back.
“How the hell would I?” I scream.
“You’re listed as my next of kin.”
I drop to the bed and shake my head. Dear God.
He watches me.
I look up at him. “How deep is your deception, Ben? How can I trust anything that you have ever told me?” I frown as a painful thought runs through my mind. “Is your name even Ben?” I whisper.
“Yes, of course it is,” he says softly as he takes my hand in his. “I just want to start my life with you.” His eyes search mine. “I just want to be a normal person in Sydney with you. I left all this behind.”
My eyes fill with tears because I want to believe him. I so desperately want to believe him.
He shakes his head. “I’ve taken indefinite leave.”
“Why?” I whisper. “Why didn’t you just leave completely?”
“Because if things don’t work out with us…” His voice trails off.
“What?”
“If things done work out with us, then the army is the only home I’ll ever know.”
My heart sinks and my eyes fill with tears. God, what a mess. He thinks the army is his only home.
I drop my head and stare at the carpet again as I swipe my tears away angrily.
This is fucked up.
Suddenly, my exhaustion kicks in. I’ve been worrying myself sick for thirty hours straight. I can’t take any more. I feel overwhelmed and fragile.
I can’t deal with this. I have no idea what to make of any of it.
I want to leave, but I have nowhere to stay and it’s late at night.
I tear back the blankets on the bed and I climb in. “I haven’t slept in thirty-eight hours. I’m hungry and I’m furious with you. I’m leaving in the morning,” I tell him.
“Let me get you some food,” he says softly.
“I don’t want fucking food.”
He stays silent, afraid to speak.
“I’m going to sleep,” I announce.
He smiles softly, as if relieved, and he nods. “Okay, angel.” He comes over to kiss me, but I turn my head.
“Don’t,” I snap.
He grabs my hand and squeezes it, and I close my eyes. “I don’t like you.” I sigh sadly.
“That’s okay, Didge.” He brushes the hair back from my face. “As long as you still love me.”
I move my head away from his hand. “Don’t push your luck, Ben. Those men aren’t the only ones who want to kill you tonight.”
He smirks as he gets up, walks over, and flicks the lock on the door. His eyes find mine across the room. “I’d die happy in your arms.”
I shake my head into my pillow. “Cut it out. If you say one more sweet thing, I will end you.”
He goes to get in the other side of the bed.
“Don’t you dare get into this bed with me,” I growl.
Honestly, I don’t want him anywhere near me at the moment.
His face falls, and I pull the covers up around my shoulders and close my eyes.
I’ve had enough of today.
That’s it. I’m out.
I wake in the dimly-lit room to the sound of a trolley outside in the corridor. What time is it?
I frown and sit up to look around the room. Huh? Where’s Ben.
Oh there, I see him.
Curled up on the floor.
His head is resting on a cushion from the chair and he has no blanket. He’s fast asleep on the carpet, lying across the doorway.
Why is he asleep there? It’s an odd place to sleep. Then it comes to me.
Oh, no.
He’s asleep across the doorway so I can’t leave without waking him up.
I get up, go to the bathroom, and come back and sit in bed and watch him in the darkness.
I notice an extra blanket on my bed, and I screw up my face as my sadness takes over.
He got the spare blanket and put it on me, while he slept on the floor without one for himself.
Damn you, Ben. Put yourself first, for once.
I hop up, grab the blanket, and put it over him. He stirs but doesn’t wake.
I get back into bed and take out my phone to text Mum and Tash.
Arrived safely
Call you later. Jetlagged.
I sit and watch Ben as my mind starts to tick over. I’m his next of kin.
I’m the person he cares about the most. I didn’t realise it, but for all these years he’s been just as connected as me.
I lie back in bed and stare at the ceiling for half an hour as my tears run down into my ears.
I’m beyond devastated. We could have been so good together.
Next of kin stand by their family, but I can’t stand by this. I can’t stand what he does—I can’t stand what the army has done to him. They’ve brainwashed him into hero-worshiping their institute.
“I’m a soldier first, Bridget.”
The army has been his family up until now, and I get that, I really do… but just when he comes back to me, I find out about this?
Why didn’t he just tell me? I put my head in my hands.
Because he knew how you would react, I tell myself.
He knew that I would leave him.
Sadness fills me. He’s missed out on so much and sacrificed so much for his country.
Am I really going to leave him now?
I take out my headphones, plug them into my phone, and go to search through my playlists. I need to think.
I put on some background music to drown out my thoughts.
Baby, I am right here,
Baby, I am right here,I'll hold you when things go wrong.
I'll be with you from dusk till dawn.
I listen to the lyrics. Who sings this song? I’ve never heard it before.
I look it up and find it’s by Zayn and Sia, and it’s called ‘Dusk till Dawn’.
I smile sadly. It’s fitting that I should listen to it now.
For half an hour, I sit and stare at Ben on the floor all alone. For half an hour, I search my soul for an answer as to what I should do.
For half an hour, I listen to this song on repeat.
Things have gone wrong—really wrong—all along for Ben.
He left me because he was trying to protect me.
He does what he does because his country asks it of him.
He didn’t know that they were going to come back.
; He didn’t know that I would get dragged into this.
If I’m his next of kin, then I should start acting like it.
I walk over and watch him for a moment. Without a thought, I drop down and lie beside him on the cold, hard floor. I get underneath the blanket and wrap my arms around his broad chest.
I’ll be with you from dusk till dawn, baby.
You’ll never be alone.
“I’m here, baby,” I whisper. “I’m here.”
BEN
I stir, and feel warm arms around me from behind. I turn in a rush to see my girl on the floor asleep with me. My heart sinks. I take her into my arms and hold her tight. I kiss her hair and close my eyes. Everything with Bridget just feels so right.
Last night I had to keep her here at all costs. She shouted and cried, and I could do nothing but watch her, petrified that she was going to rush out the door and leave me.
I couldn’t ensure her safety last night, but I need to now.
I exhale as I try to steel myself for what I’m about to do. I’ve walked away from her once before, and I’ll do it again if that’s what it takes to ensure that she’s safe.
I stare at the ceiling above us and listen to her breathing peacefully as she sleeps. Who knew such a simple sound could be my medicine?
The Holy Grail of happiness is having Bridget asleep in my arms.
It’s back.
That dreaded feeling.
I think back to last night and what could have happened if they were, in fact, after me instead of the target. Would they have killed her if she got in their way?
I’ve never dealt with rogue agents before. I have no idea what to expect here, but I know it isn’t good, whatever all of this is.
I owe Bridget my life… in more ways than one.
I need to get back to Washington and find out what the fuck is going on.
She rustles in my arms, and I know it’s time—time to let her go.
I close my eyes and hold her for one minute more, and then I stand and walk into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I take a shower and dress. I then lift her into my arms and place her back on the bed, gently covering her body with the blankets.
She’s exhausted. “Sleep, angel,” I whisper as I kiss her forehead and lie down beside her. I watch her as I lean up on my elbow.
Her honey-brown hair is splayed across the pillow. She’s still wearing her clothes from last night, too tired to have changed into her pyjamas. Her dark eyelashes fan out across her perfect olive skin. My eyes roam down to her chest and her small hands. Unable to help it, I take her hand in mine.
“I can’t be with someone who does this, Ben.” That’s what she said.
I close my eyes, filled with regret.
This is why I didn’t tell you. I never wanted you to find out this shit about me.
She’s not going to accept it. She never will.
Why would she?
She stirs and her eyes slowly open. I smile softly. “Morning,” I whisper.
She looks at me, her brow furrowing before she glances around the room. “Ben?” she whispers.
“I’m here.” I squeeze her hand.
“Please tell me that I had a really bad case of jetlag and that was all a nightmare.”
I smile sadly. “I wish.” I swallow the lump in my throat.
She cups my cheek in her hand as her eyes search mine. “What’s going on?” she whispers.
I drag my eyes away from hers. I can’t stand that she can sense how I feel.
“Nothing.”
Get up. Get up and do it.
I inhale as I try to make myself get up off the bed. Finally, my body concedes and I stand.
“Talk to me,” she pleads.
“We should go out for breakfast, angel.” I fake a smile.
She frowns. “I want to talk about last night.”
“And we will. But you have to eat first. You’ve hardly eaten for days.”
She lies still for a moment, as if contemplating my offer, until she finally stands and disappears into the bathroom.
I zip up my bag and pull it close to the door. It will save time later.
This time will hurt more than the last—I know it already. This time it’s goodbye… forever.
13
BEN
I watch Bridget eat her poached eggs on toast. “You’re really not eating?” she asks.
“I’m not hungry,” I reply as I sip my coffee.
We are in a small restaurant that sits a few blocks away from our hotel.
“So, this is the job you’ve been so secretive about?”
“Yes.” I sip my coffee again and put my hand up for another cup.
“How long have you been doing this?” she asks.
“Six years.”
“How many people have you killed?”
My eyes hold hers. “Too many to count,” I reply, monotone.
Her face falls and she drops her head.
“It’s okay, Bridget.” I roll my lips as I force the words from my mouth.
She frowns as her eyes rise to meet mine. “What’s okay?”
I shrug and sip my coffee. “I understand that you don’t understand.”
“Do you?” She frowns.
“I don’t expect you to.”
She narrows her eyes as she watches me. “You said you loved me last night.”
I bite my bottom lip and drop my eyes to the table.
“Look at me,” she demands.
I drag my eyes to hers.
“Well?”
“I do love you,” I murmur.
“Why do you only tell me that you love me when something bad is happening?”
I frown.
“The first time you told me you loved me was when you were leaving me.”
I swallow the sand-like feeling in my throat.
“Last night, you told me because you thought I was leaving you.”
I sip my coffee.
“Ben?”
I exhale. “What do you want me to say, Didge? Meet me in the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for board games?” I shake my head in disgust. “I’ve told you before… I’m not wired the way you are.”
Her eyes hold mine. “That wasn’t what I asked. Although, while you continue to act like Goofy, I will meet you in the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse to strangle you.”
I sip my coffee again.
“Why don’t you tell me you love me when you make love to me, or when we have happy times?” she asks.
I scowl. “What the fuck are you on about? Who cares when I tell you I love you?”
“I do, Ben.”
I roll my eyes. “It doesn’t matter anymore, anyway,” I mutter under my breath.
“Why doesn’t it?”
I shrug. “You know why. Last night was the beginning of the end for us.”
She shakes her head subtly. “Was it? ” She flicks her hair angrily over her shoulder. “Why do you say that?”
“You can’t live with someone like me.” I raise an eyebrow sarcastically. “Your words, not mine,” I add.
“I was in shock, Ben.”
I sit forward in my seat. “Fucking bullshit. You knew what I did. You pretended that you didn’t know, and whether you did it unconsciously or not, all the facts were there. I told you that I had a past and that I didn’t want you involved in it.”
She folds her arms in front of her. “Oh. So all this is my fault now?” she sneers. “You’ve got a fucking hide. You told me you were a soldier.”
“I am a fucking soldier,” I growl.
She leans in. “You are a glorified assassin.”
I sit back, smile, and with a shake of my head, I hold my hand out. “And there it is.”
Her face falls.
“That’s what you’re going to be throwing in my face for the rest of my life,” I reply.
Her eyes hold mine.
I sit forward in my chair. “You listen here, Bridget, and you listen good. I have no regrets for what I’ve done.
None. I work for the United Nations Intelligence and I look after national security, and if you can’t live with what I am—with what I have done—then you should leave now.”
She chews her bottom lip as she considers what I have just said. “You said you left the army.”
“I did. You know I did. The last thing I would ever do would be to put you in danger like you were last night.”
“You… you could have died,” she stammers.
“So, I die. That is my job. You don’t interfere.”
Her face falls. “Your life is more valuable to me than national security, Ben. I don’t give a fuck about national security if it takes you away from me,” she whispers angrily.
I drop my head and frown. “Bridget…” I sigh. “I’m wired differently. My personal needs don’t come into this. Any serviceman who defends his country doesn’t get to have personal needs. We band together for the greater good. Nobody ever wants to leave their families to go defend and fight, but we do what we have to do.”
Her eyes fill with tears. She frowns as she grabs my hand over the table. “I want you to fight for me.”
I pull my hand from her grip. “Do you? Do you really? Think long and hard about that, Didge.”
She watches me, as if not understanding.
“I have a specialised skill set, Bridget. I’m a sniper. If needed again I may have to go back, and I would need to know that you would be with me on this. I’d need to know I could kiss you goodbye and know you were proud of me and of what I’m doing. Could you honestly do that?”
She stares at me blankly.
I smile sadly. And there is my painful answer. I exhale heavily. “I don’t expect you to understand. Not everyone can be with a serviceman.”
“Why are you turning this back on me now?” she asks.
“Because I want you safe. Because I don’t know what the fuck is going on in Washington at the moment, and I have to go back there and find out.”
“What are you saying? You want me to leave you so that I’m safe?”
My eyes hold hers. “Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
She shakes her head. “You may be brave on the battlefield, Ben, but you’re a goddamn coward when it comes to me.”
