by T L Swan
I roll my eyes. “Ben…” I hesitate. “She rattled me.”
He shakes his head in disgust.
“She… she told me that you and she go way back,” I stammer. “That you would get sick of me.”
“Do my words mean nothing?” he cries. “I’m with you! I’ve never lied to you once. Not once!” He drops his head. “I left you so I never had to.”
“What do you mean?” I frown
“I knew I couldn’t look you in the eye and lie every time I went on a mission. I couldn’t do it. I knew that.”
I watch him, unsure what to say.
He gets out and wraps the towel around him then walks out of the bathroom in a rush and begins to dress. I run after him like a puppy.
“I’m just…” I hesitate and put my hands on top of my head in confusion. “You scare me, Ben.”
He turns to me and he shakes his head. “I scare you?”
I nod.
“Well, join the fucking club, because you scare the fuck out of me!” he cries. “I don’t know what kind of douches you have been with in the past, but when I say I love you, I fucking mean I love you, Bridget!”
I watch him as guilt washes over me.
“I’ve never loved anyone. Those words have never left my lips since the night my mother died, and to have you throw them in my face—” He hesitates. “Fucking hurts.”
Damn, that makes me feel like shit. Tears fill my eyes.
He pulls on his runners.
“Where are you going?” I ask.
“Out.”
“Out where?”
“The gym.” He walks up the hall and disappears out the front door. It slams shut behind him.
I blow out a deflated breath and walk back up the hall to get back into bed. I punch the pillow in frustration.
“Good morning, Bridget,” I say out loud to myself. “Give yourself an uppercut.”
I pace back and forth in the kitchen. It’s 10:00 a.m. and Ben hasn’t come home. Is he still angry with me, or is it something more sinister?
I can’t find where I threw the damn napkin this morning during our fight, so I can’t even Google it or anything.
But I have two questions.
One: who is Jason Steel?
And two: is he setting Ben up to go to that place so that they can kill him for real?
It sounds obscure to me that he would ask him to go somewhere. Why would he trust Ben with information? Why Ben?
I make myself a cup of coffee and hear the front door open. My heart drops in relief.
Ben walks in. “Hi.”
“Hi.” I smile awkwardly.
He reaches around the back of the waistband of his track pants and then pulls out a small hand gun, placing it down on the table along with a large, yellow envelope. My eyes widen.
“I bought this home for you,” he murmurs as he taps the gun.
I frown. “Why would you think I need a gun?”
He shrugs. “Just to be sure.”
I watch him for a moment. “Where have you been?”
He tears open the envelope. “I went to the safety deposit box.” He pulls out a wad of paper and studies it. He frowns as he reads the writing.
“What is it?” I ask.
He sits down. “Not sure.” He flicks the page over and frowns harder. “It’s written in some kind of code.”
“Let me see.”
He hands it over and I stare at it. Letters, all in some kind of weird order, not making sense at all. I flick through the six pages, and they’re all the same. “What does this mean?” I frown.
He shakes his head. “I have no idea.”
At the top of the page there’s an arrow drawn in blue pen, pointing up. “What’s this arrow?”
He shakes his head and takes the pages from me again to study them. “It’s not any code that we use. I can’t read it at all.”
“You know who could read this?” I say.
“Who?”
“Joshua.”
Ben continues reading.
“This is Joshua’s thing. He loves mind-fuck things like this. He could break the code.”
Ben frowns. “I don’t want to get him involved.”
I shake my head. “As if he’s not safe with the security that he has. You should send it to him, he would break it in two days.” He runs the backs of his fingers through his stubble as he thinks. “Yeah, maybe.”
“Why did you go and get it now? I thought he said only if something happened to him,” I ask.
His eyes rise to meet mine. “Once he’s dead, it will be too late. I wanted to see what it is before then.”
“Are you in danger because you went and got this?” I ask.
“I don’t think so. They would be after him first if this is anything important.”
Her stands and gets a bottle of water out of the fridge. Then he sits on the lounge, and it’s obvious he is still angry with me. I follow him.
“I’m sorry about this morning,” I say.
His eyes meet mine, and he nods as he sips his water.
“What was I supposed to think, you know?” I pace. “She told me you and she go way back and that I should be worried, and then I see you get a napkin out of your pocket and sneak out of the room to read it.”
He shakes his head in disgust. “Why do you think I came to Australia to get you, Bridget?” He pats his lap.
I sit down on his lap. “I don’t know, why did you?”
“Because something was missing.”
My eyes search his. “Missing?” I ask.
“I’m not like you, Bridget.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t…” He pauses as he searches for the words.
“You don’t what?”
“I don’t… I’ve never… Since I left you, I haven’t found anyone I want to spend time with.”
I raise my eyebrow sarcastically.
“Half an hour having sex is a lot different to spending extended time with someone and building a relationship. I don’t know these women and I don’t want to. I always left straight after.” He shakes his head, as if disgusted. “Ten minutes wasn’t worth the way I would feel after.”
I look away angrily. “Stop talking about it. I hate the thought of you having sex with other people.”
“So do I. And every time I would do it I felt guilty, as if I was playing up on you.” His eyes drop to the floor. “It was like I was still with you, but …” He shakes his head as if confused.
I watch him.
“It wasn’t the same. I never had the same connection that I had with you.”
I smile softly and kiss his big, stupid lips.
“I came and got you because…” He pauses and frowns as his eyes hold mine.
“Because why?”
“I knew you didn’t need me, but—” His eyes drop to the floor again.
I lift his face to meet mine. “But what, Ben?”
“But I needed you.”
Our eyes are locked.
“I kept thinking that you were better off without me and that I couldn’t give you the normal that you deserved.”
“Ben,” I whisper.
“But I had to be selfish.” He shakes his head sadly. “I had to come back and give myself a chance at happiness.”
I smile softly. “You’re an idiot.” I kiss his lips. “Why didn’t you just tell me back when you left me?” I ask.
He frowns. “Bridget, you were twenty-two at the time. You would have handled it a lot different to what you do now.”
I frown.
“Maybe I had it all wrong, and maybe you would have understood.” He shrugs. “But at that time, I was away a lot. I would have had to lie to you all the time. I couldn’t stand the thought of it.”
I watch him sadly, and finally I’m getting some insight to what happened.
“I watched you grieve when that all went down back then.” He pauses. “I couldn’t help you.”
“You just had to
be there, Ben,” I whisper. “I didn’t want your help.”
His eyes meet mine. “I know what it’s like to grieve deeply, Didge. I know what despair feels like, and I didn’t care if I died. I knew what I signed up for.” I kiss him softly. “But I couldn’t put you through it.” He rubs my leg. “You have this snarky, tough exterior, Didge, but deep down you’re sweet and gentle. I couldn’t knowingly do that to you.”
My eyes lose focus as he hits a raw nerve.
“Don’t ever think that because I wasn’t with you it meant that I didn’t love you,” he whispers. “It was so hard to stay away.”
I lean my face against his, and I feel overcome with sadness for what we have both been through.
“It’s completely ridiculous that you would feel the slightest bit insecure,” he whispers as his eyes hold mine. “You are the only woman I’ve ever wanted. Ever loved. Do you really think that after the hell I went through without you that I would fuck it up now?”
I smile despite my tears. “You know, you can be quite romantic when you want to be Mr. Statham,” I whisper.
He smiles, and shakes his head.
“What?” I ask.
“Everyday you say something to me I have never heard before.”
I smile. “Really?”
“Yes, really.”
I kiss him softly. “Do you know how much I love you, Ben?”
His jaw clenches, as if he’s overcome with emotion, and his eyes search mine. “Not half as much as I love you.”
“Take me back to bed,” I whisper.
He kisses me and stands while holding me like a bride. “Yes, ma’am.”
I walk around Ben’s room naked as I look at his bookshelves. He has photographs and memorabilia things everywhere. It’s like a treasure trove. He is in bed with his hands resting behind his head as he watches me. I point to a photo of three men. “Who are they?” I ask.
“They used to live with me in my barracks.”
I nod at another old picture of a good-looking man in his thirties “Who is this?” I ask.
“That’s my dad.”
I pick up the frame and study it, a smile spreading across my face. “He’s handsome.”
Ben smiles.
The next is an image of a woman with an elderly woman. “Who are they?” I ask.
“That’s my mother and my grandmother.”
I smile as I study them. “They look kind.” I run my finger over his mother’s image through the glass. “Where is your grandmother now?” I ask.
“She died of a heart attack the year before my mother.”
I frown, and then keep looking. I get to a picture of our gang and I study it. We were in Kamala at Joshua and Natasha’s wedding. Ben and I are at standing at opposite ends to each other. “I know them.” I smile sarcastically. “Good-looking people.”
He rolls his eyes.
An old wooden box is on the bottom shelf, and I slowly open it. It’s filled with little trinkets. I pick it up and go sit on the bed next to him.
His face falls serious.
I pull out a string of pink beads and I frown. “What are these?” I ask.
“They’re Meika’s.”
“Who’s Meika?”
“My sister.”
My heart drops and I force a smile. “Pretty.”
I look back in the box and I find a rock with a face painted on it. “What is this?”
He chuckles. “That’s Fred.”
“Fred?” I smile.
“I made that for my mother when I was in kindergarten. It was her prized possession.”
I giggle. “Cute.” I kiss the rock in my hand and he smiles broadly.
I pull out a heart-shaped chocolate wrapped in gold paper. “What’s this?”
His eyes hold mine. “You gave me that.”
“I did?” I ask in surprise.
He nods, as if embarrassed.
“When?”
“We were at the hospital when your grandmother was sick. Someone handed out chocolates, and I wasn’t there, so you got one and saved it for me.”
“And you saved it?” I frown.
He nods. “It meant something to me. It was the first time I realised that you thought about me when I wasn’t there.”
I bite my bottom lip to hide my goofy smile. I pull out a passport and I open it.
My heart drops as a small blonde girl stares back at me.
Meika Rose Statham
My eyes meet his and he drops them, unwilling to hold my gaze.
“She’s pretty,” I whisper.
He nods.
I read the details and frown as I do the maths. Her birthday is tomorrow. Oh, my God, that’s Ben’s birthday, too.
“It’s your birthday tomorrow?” I ask.
“I don’t celebrate my birthday,” he snaps way too quickly.
“Why not?”
“Because Meika doesn’t get one.”
“Oh, Ben.” I sigh sadly.
I continue looking through the box and find an old postcard from New York. I turn it over to read it, but it has no writing on the back. “What’s this?” I ask.
“Meika always wanted to go to New York.” He smiles as he remembers. “That was hers; she used to say one day she was going to take me there.”
I imagine a little twelve–year-old girl, with all these hopes and dreams that she never got to have, and I get this really big lump in my throat. “You’ve never been?” I push out.
He shakes his head.
“We should go,” I say.
He frowns.
An idea comes to me. “Yes. We should go to New York tomorrow… for Meika.” I smile. “On her birthday.”
He shakes his head. “I-I couldn’t.” He climbs out of bed in a rush and goes into the bathroom. He gets into the shower to avoid this conversation.
I pack up the box, put it back on his shelf, and follow him. Once in there, I sit on the side of the bathtub as I think. “How long since you’ve celebrated your birthday?”
He washes himself, but doesn’t answer.
“Ben?” I ask.
“Not since she went,” he snaps, annoyed.
My heart falls in my chest. Oh, this is so sad. “Ben, you know how we’re starting a new life together?”
His eyes find mine, and he nods.
“Well, I want to start with new traditions now. Traditions of our own, and I want to celebrate you being alive because it’s…” I shake my head as I search for an excuse. “It’s a miracle.” I smile.
“I know what you’re trying to do.” He pauses. “Just leave it, babe.”
“Please, Ben,” I plead. “I want for you to move forward and be happy.”
His head drops in sadness.
“And we can do it together.”
I take my clothes off and climb in under the water with him. Luckily, he wraps his large arms around me and holds me tight, inhaling deeply as he presses himself against my hair.
“Can we do this?” I smile up at him.
“Didge.” He sighs. “I don’t think I can.”
“You can if I’m with you, Ben. We can do anything as long as we have each other.”
He smiles against my lips as we kiss.
“Please?” I beg, I jig up and down on the spot a little to prove my point.
“Bridget…” He sighs.
“Please…”
“Fine,” he snaps.
I smile broadly. “I just happen to know a great travel agent.”
He grabs my behind. “Who is also a pain in my ass.”
19
BEN
We walk down the street in New York and Bridget takes my hand in hers and then raises her eyebrow. This is her new thing, to try and hold my hand in public and see how long I can take it. It’s a struggle.
We arrived in New York yesterday afternoon, and then went out on the town last night. We ate, we drank, and we laughed. I haven’t had so much fun with a woman before—ever.
But, today is a di
fferent story. Bridget has taken me to every tourist attraction known to man.
I’m trying my best, I really am, and I know she’s trying to cheer me up, but I can’t stand it.
I can’t stand being here without Meika.
Happy Birthday, sis.
Everything that I look at reminds me that she is never going to see it.
That she never got to experience it.
We make our way up the elevator to The Empire State Building and I watch the doors as we wait for them to open.
I often wonder why it was her that was taken and not me. She was so good.
And me… I’m not. I never have been.
How is it fair that I get to live and she doesn’t?
I grip my beautiful Bridget’s hand that bit tighter.
How she loves me, I will never know. She smiles up at me lovingly and my breath catches. She is the most perfect thing that has ever come into my life. Just being with her and having her look at me the way she does is all I I need. I lean down and kiss her softly.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“For what?”
“For doing all this.” I gesture at our surroundings.
“Anything for my man.” She smiles up at me.
The elevator arrives and we get in and rise to the top. We eventually walk out onto the viewing platform. The lump in my throat becomes unbearable and, as if sensing it, Bridget grips my hand that bit tighter.
We look around and Bridget goes up to a lady who is beside us. “Excuse me, can you take a photo of the two of us, please?”
“Of course.” The kind lady smiles.
God… I fucking hate this.
We pose for the shots, and then Bridget says, “Can you put it on movie now, please, and film us for a moment.”
Huh?
I glance at Bridget.
Her eyes glow up at me and I smile.
“Ben.” She pauses, as if nervous. “I want to give you something else to celebrate on your birthday from here on in.”
I smile down at her “What would that be, Miss Bridget?”
“An anniversary.” She kisses me softly. “Marry me.”
I frown. What the hell? I stare at her, shocked.
What? Is she joking?
That is the last thing that I ever expected to come out of her mouth.
“Ben?” she asks, her voice filled with hope.
